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Although Buffy had been gone for a while now, Spike had not finished his first beer. His mind was racing, but he found that he didn't want to stop himself from thinking, from feeling. All of this—the final fight with Wolfram and Hart, the Shanshu, Buffy—had his thoughts in a jumble, and he knew that numbing them wouldn't make them go away. Maybe it was this whole being human thing, making him see the world in a different light.

Or in a light at all, for that matter.

Spike strummed the top of the can with his fingers, replaying Buffy's exit in his mind over and over again. She'd kissed him. She's smiled at him. She'd promised to come back. Could it be possible that she did still have feelings for him? Could they have something now that everything had changed between them?

Spike frowned, forcing that bit of hope away. He couldn't honestly let himself believe that being human would get him Buffy. It wasn't that simple. This wasn't a fairy tale. She didn't bring him to life with a kiss so they could live happily ever after. He'd been brought to life in the wake of horrible, bloody death and destruction, and the fact that the Powers that Be had seen fit to keep him in fighting form led him to believe that there wasn't a happily ever after in the offing either.

He still wanted her, Spike was sure of that. He wanted Buffy more than he'd ever wanted anyone, anything. He wanted to spend what existence he had left at her side, finally able to touch her world of warmth and light. But what was left for them? She had moved on, started a life that didn't involve him. He'd seen only a brief glimpse of her in Rome, but she'd seemed carefree. Not the broken, tired warrior he'd known back on the Hellmouth. She was clearly happier without him, and Spike felt a pang of regret that he was keeping her away from that now, even as it mingled with his selfish desire to keep her here with him forever, no matter what the cost.

He wondered now why he'd even been turned human. What sort of reward was it anyway? He didn't get the girl, didn't get a normal life. He was in the same place he'd been before, only now without the eternal youth. Maybe Angel did get the better end of the deal…

Spike slumped in his chair, staring at the can still on the table. Redemption really was overrated.

*** *** ***

As soon as Buffy walked into the lobby of the Hyperion, Willow spotted her. "Buffy! You're here!"

Buffy smiled as the redhead approached her, meeting her halfway. "Yep. I wanted to check on the Slayers, make sure everything was going well."

"It is," Willow said. "I've been supervising the healing, and all the Slayers are going to be fine—the ones who made it here, that is."

Buffy felt a twist of guilt at the thought of how she'd essentially led those who didn't make it to their deaths. She knew that was what a general did, and had known going into this battle that some of the Slayers would die. It was what a Slayer was destined for, after all. None of that made it any easier. "How's Kennedy?" she asked, not wanting to dwell on what had been lost.

"Fine. We're going back to Brazil tomorrow morning."

"Good. I meant good that Kennedy's okay. Not in a 'get out of here now Willow' kind of way."

Willow chuckled. "I knew what you meant. Besides, pretty much all the Slayers should be fine within the next could of days, and you'll be able to head back to Italy. Looking forward to making with the smoochies with that hot new boyfriend you keep telling me about?"

"Yeah. Well, maybe." Buffy sighed, running her hand through her hair. "I don't know."

"Let me guess—Spike's making things all muddled."

"He's human now, Will. That's enough to muddle things on its own."

"Do you need to talk about it?"

Buffy blinked, surprised that Willow was even offering. In all honesty, she probably did need to talk it out with someone, but at the same time she didn't know what she could even say. "Don't you have Slayer healing to be supervising?"

"I told you, everything's fine in that department. A lot of them have already headed back to the Council. My biggest problem now has been keeping Angel's little blue friend busy."

"Illyria? Is she causing some sort of trouble? Because if she is, then we need to…"

"No. No avoidy Buffy. We've barely seen each other in over a year I know, but I'm still your friend, and I'm here for you." Willow sat down on the round couch in the middle of the lobby and patted the cushion beside her. "Come, sit. We'll have friend time."

Buffy wasn't sure she could do this now. Things were too much of a jumbled mess. How could she discuss her feelings with Willow when she couldn't even put them in words in her own mind? "What about Illyria?"

Willow shrugged. "I gave her a Rubik's cube. When I left she was still pondering why a human would find such an object appealing. She hadn't even gotten to the sticking it in her mouth phase."

"Surely she can't stick a whole Rubik's cube in her mouth."

"You'd be surprised. But sit, tell me the current drama that is the life of Buffy Anne Summers."

Buffy sighed, knowing Willow wasn't going to give up. Besides, maybe this could help her sort things out. She sat down beside Willow. "So what do you want to know?"

"Does Spike think you're getting back together with him? Or getting with him at all. I'm still not sure if your past involvement with him requires me to now use a 'back.'"

"Huh?"

"You seem all out of sorts, and I figured Spike, being Spike, would be all over you. Especially since he's human. I bet he's bringing that up every five seconds as the reason why you should be falling all head over heels in love with him now."

Buffy didn't say anything for a moment as she tried to come up with an answer to that. Is that what Willow thought of her relationship with Spike? Something one-sided, something Buffy only fell into because she wasn't thinking clearly and would never, ever go back to again? "No," Buffy said finally. "Really, we've barely even talked about where we stand now romantically. I mean, sometimes I think the feelings are still there for him, but then he pulls back. Which is probably good, because I'm so damn confused right now. I mean, I thought I was moving on, that I'd worked through the pain of losing another person I love, and then he's just here again. How do I reconcile that with the life I've built since Sunnydale? And...and what if we do start again, and I throw away everything I have in Rome only to find out that we still can't work? Can I take that chance?" Buffy stopped, taking in a deep breath.

Willow blinked. "You actually think you might want to be with Spike?"

"That's my problem, Will. I don't know."

"Wow."

"Wow what? Why are you wowing?"

"I'll be honest, Buffy. I never understood why you slept with Spike in the first place, and I didn't understand why you seemed to be letting him close again when everything was happening with the First. I mean, yeah, he had a soul then like Angel, but…"

"He is not like Angel," Buffy snapped. Willow looked at Buffy in surprise at her vehement response, and Buffy had to admit it had shocked her, too. The words had come more like a reflex than a conscious thought. "I…I just mean their two very different men," Buffy said. "And Spike's soul—it wasn't a curse. He earned it, and he did it for me."

"He couldn't have realized the magnitude of what he was doing, Buffy. He just knew that having a soul had worked for Angel, and he figured he'd try it, too."

Buffy's jaw dropped. "How can you say that?"

"Because it's Spike! I mean yeah, as far as evil vampires went, he wasn't one of the worst—well, aside from the whole homicidal rage, likes to kill Slayers thing. But he's still Spike. He's…you're better than that, Buffy."

Buffy pulled back from Willow, her body going rigid. "I used to think that, too. But I was wrong. Spike is one of the most amazing people I know. He'd do anything for someone he cares about, even let himself burn to death in a hell cavern. Tell me what's so unworthy about that, Willow."

"Buffy, I…"

"You don't know him, Willow. I do. I didn't let myself for a long time. I was too afraid of what it would mean to open myself up to him, to let myself know the man that struggled to co-exist with a demon. But I do now, and he is anything but beneath me." Buffy noticed her hands were trembling, a strong emotion coursing through her that she wasn't quite ready to put the name to yet.

"I didn't realize that things were like that between the two of you. I guess… I don't know, I just always thought Spike had some sick fascination with you, and I never quite got your part in it."

"It's not sick. Okay, so maybe he can be a bit of a pervert sometimes…" The corner of Buffy's lip tugged up in a small smile, but she kept from going much further, sobering again instead. "But he loves me, Willow. Or at least he did. Even when I tried to deny it, I knew it. And he proved it to me more than once."

"So what do you want now, Buffy?"

Buffy took a deep breath. "I want…"

"Buffy!"

Buffy felt her insides clench with dread as she saw Angel walk down the stairs towards her and Willow. A voice in the back of her mind informed her quite loudly that that was what she didn't want. She stood, smoothing her clothes with her hands. "Angel."

"I'm just gonna go and um, make sure Illyria hasn't choked on the Rubik's cube," Willow said as she made a quick exit.

Buffy's eyes darted around the lobby. She knew the hotel was filled with people, yet at the moment, she and Angel were alone. She didn't think that seemed quite fair. "Hello, Angel," Buffy said, keeping her voice steady, even.

"Hello, Buffy." He stopped in front of her, his arms crossed, and suddenly Buffy felt very small. She pulled herself up as much as she could.

"I was just here to see how the Slayers are holding up. Willow says they're fine, so I'm going to go…" Buffy didn't want to do this. Not now, not here. Every muscle in Angel's body was tensed for a confrontation, and she didn't have the energy. She started to walk away, but Angel grabbed her arm.

"We need to talk."

"About what?" Buffy asked. His cool fingers felt strange against her skin, and she noted that this was the first time Angel had touched her and she'd felt no spark.

"You know what."

"The weather?"

"Don't try to be flippant about this, Buffy. We need to talk about Spike."

Buffy sighed, pulling herself out of Angel's grasp. "There's nothing to talk about."

"Spike's human."

"Gee, Angel, that's for the newsflash. I hadn't picked up on that."

"I wasn't finished. Spike's human, and that's a bad thing."

"How? How is it bad? The Powers that Be made him human, Angel—I think they knew what they were doing."

"It wasn't them! Dammit, Buffy, you're acting like a child."

Buffy gaped. "Me? I'm acting like a child? What about you? You're sulking like a five year old who had his favorite toy taken away!"

"I am not! You're being incredibly naïve about this. Have you learned nothing in your time as the Slayer? Between Spike and the Immortal, I'm seriously beginning to question your judgment, Buffy."

"Oh my god. I can't believe you're being such an ass because you're jealous. No, wait, I can. This isn't about you. It's not about us. It's about Spike."

"That much we agree on—just not what it means. You may think you know Spike, but I've seen sides of him you've never seen. The Powers that Be never would've given him this. There's something sinister behind it. And if he's willing to just sit back and let himself be human now, well, shows how much he really cares about you."

"What in the world are you talking about? What do you expect him to do, go find Drusilla to re-sire him? The Powers did this, Angel, end of story. It seems to me like what you really care about is that he's the one who was made human and not you."

Angel gritted his teeth as he made his decision of what to say next. It wasn't something he'd ever planned on sharing with Buffy, but he had to say something to make her see reason. "I was human once, Buffy."

"Well, duh. I didn't think you were born a vampire."

"No. I mean a few years ago. My blood mixed with the blood of a demon with regenerative powers and I was human."

Buffy took a step back from him. "When? Why didn't I know about this?"

"You did."

"I did not! I think I would remember it if you were human, Angel."

Angel shook his head. "You don't remember it because I made sure you didn't. As a human, I was weak, and I couldn't protect you. I went to these oracles, asked them if me being human could hurt you. They told me you were going to die, and if I was a vampire, I might be able to protect you. So I had the day erased. We were together for that day, and it was the best day of my existence, but I loved you enough to realize that protecting you was more important than anything else."

Buffy walked backwards, sitting back down on the couch as the world spun around her. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. Why had Angel told her this? Did he honestly think it would make her distrust Spike? "How…could you have done that?" Buffy asked.

"I had to! They told me you would die." Much to Angel's surprise, Buffy began to laugh, although the sound of it bordered on hysterical. He frowned. "What?"

"I did die, you bastard. I faced a hellgod who wanted to bleed my sister dry, and had to throw myself off a fucking tower. You didn't protect me, Angel. You sat back and ignored everything while I died."

"Hey, I had things going on here that…"

"Were easier if you were still the vampire with the soul. The great champion of the people. If you gave up your humanity, it wasn't about me, so don't pretend like it was."

"You don't get what I'm telling you, Buffy."

Buffy stood again, and the look in her eyes was enough to almost scare Angel. "Then explain it to me. Since you apparently know what I need so much more than I do. You just tell me right now what I'm supposed to think."

"Buffy…"

"No! Don't you talk to me like I'm a fucking child! You don't get to do that, Angel. Not anymore." Buffy knew she was crying, and she hated it, but she couldn't stop. She took some solace in the fact that at least they were primarily angry tears. "You tell me what the fucking point is to all of this!"

"Spike accepting this the way he is is dangerous! Vampires don't just become human. There has to be consequences—bad ones. I realized that, and I gave up everything to make things right again. The fact that he isn't willing to even consider any of this shows that he has to have some kind of ulterior motive."

"Can you hear yourself? Do you realize how convoluted that logic is? Or the lack of logic anyway."

"It's the truth, whether you want to face it or not."

Buffy balled her fists beside her, trying to calm herself enough to come up with something to say. She felt as if her whole world had been turned upside down, and she didn't know how to deal with any of it.

As it turned out, she didn't have to. Right as she opened her mouth to speak, the doors to the Hyperion burst open, and a young man she didn't recognize came in.

Angel, on the other hand, obviously did. His eyes widened, and he stepped back from Buffy. "Connor—what are you doing here?"

Connor said nothing. Instead he responded by punching Angel as hard as he could, sending the vampire flying backwards.

Buffy watched as Angel landed sprawled on the ground, Connor standing beside her, seething with rage. She stepped back, realizing things were about to get ugly.

At least she'd have something else to focus on than the day Angel had taken away from her.

*** *** ***

Thank you so much to everyone who has reviews. This story has been really difficult for me to write, and the encouragement has helped so much.

I do want to note, however, that a few people need to read a little more carefully. It seems that some people are putting season 6 style intentions on Buffy, and that's not what I'm doing here. Pay close attention to her thoughts and her actions, not what Spike has to say about her. They're both misinterpreting things, and letting their own insecurities color their reactions to each other. Buffy is not expecting Spike to follow her around or be at her beck and call. Quite the opposite, actually. She hasn't rejected him, nor has he rejected her. They're both very unsure of themselves, and they're treading lightly. This isn't the kind of story you can skim. I have a lot of subtle, little details that point to their actual emotional states, and that's what's most telling right now. Although hopefully Buffy's conversation with Willow in this chapter made what she's feeling a little more clear.

Also, just to clear something up, Spike was never suicidal. He thought he would die in the battle with W&H, but he didn't want to. There's a difference.





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