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Hi, first I wish to thank whoever nominated me on the poll. I've never been nominated for something before. THANK YOU! And for those of you who have hung on, I promise it's about to get interesting.....


Buffy sat in the study and stared at the envelope. Not for the first time did she feel the regret of totally cutting her friends out of her life weigh heavy on her heart and mind. Now in her hands was the evidence of that mistake.

She reached over to pick it up and started to open it slowly. Inside she found two folded up letters with what felt like pictures inside. She closed her eyes and chose the one she'd read first.

Dear "B"

You know it now stands for bitch. Sorry, but I'm pissed at you and yet hope you call me after you read this. I hate you and I love you, but most important I miss you. I kind of know why you did what you did, but it still hurts and is hard to understand.

I went to see him, to kick his ass for making you leave the way you did. But, after seeing him, all messed up I didn't have the heart to kick a dog when it was down.

Just so you know, Robin is doing well, and has a few words to say to you as well. The only problem is he wants to say them to your face. He's not happy that I'm making first contact; he thinks you should be the one.

I hear you hooked up with Dr. Finn, and he's the one you ran away with. I hope you both are happy. I'm not sure how I feel about Spike, or should I say William. Robin stills calls him Spike and I see the blonde boy wonder cringe every time. The man is a shadow of his former self.

Inside I sent a couple pictures so you could see the new me. Maybe it will give you an incentive to call me and congratulate me on a job well done.

Your friend always, like it or not

Faith Wood.

Buffy sniffled as she then looked at the pictures, three exact. The first one was of what appeared to be a home bought pregnancy test, with a big plus sign in the middle. The second one was of Robin with a big grin on his face and daddy written across the bottom. The third and last one had Faith standing to the side, with her hand on her rounded tummy with a content smile on her face. Across the bottom was written, 'proud mommy to be'.

"Oh, Faith, I'm so happy for you." Buffy cried as she hugged the picture close to her chest.

*******

"Look at how adorable." Cordy laughed, as they watched the video of the twins sleeping in the nursery after they were born.

"I think they're ugly, they look like little old men." Angel teased.

"Shut up you, they are the most gorgeous babies alive." William growled playfully as he ate up the screen watching his children for the first time.

They laughed and teased as they watched the video and pictures being displayed chronologically of the twins on the TV screen. Everyone noticed, but didn't mention the fact that Riley had been missing. Buffy would be seen and sometimes heard, making it obvious that the silent portions, must have been shot by Riley and the commentary muted.

"Hey, look, action footage." Cordy waved at them to be quiet. "Oh, look how the baby's laughing as the swing is going. Angel, I want one of those, not two, just one to start off with."

"Marry me, baby and you can have as many as you want." Angel winked, and then sighed when the last of the documentary of the young babies lives came to an end.

"How about New Year's Eve?"

Angel smiled as he nodded his head yes, "Sounds like a great way to bring in the New Year."

Cordy noticed the melancholy look that came over William as she moved to sit next to him and say, "I want you to give me away."

He looked at her with a shocked expression and found himself unable to speak. The stunned blonde looked over at his cousin to see what he had to say and found the big brute smiling.

"Are you sure?" He finally found his voice and asked.

"Yes, you are the closest thing I have to a brother, and since my parents disowned me, you are it, the only other choice for me." Cordy answered as she lay her head on his shoulder, "besides, Peaches there figured it would kill two birds with one stone."

William became confused as he again looked over at Angel with a questionable look on his face, "Care to spill, cuz?"

"Well, I figured you can be the one to bring me my future, and then stand beside me and be my best man while me and Cordy exchange our vows."

William looked from one to the other, smiling. "I would love it, as you said, it would be a lovely way to bring in the New Year."

"Great, I was thinking about having you wear a dress."

"No, no, dresses. No razors will touch my pretty legs, and it would be too much torture to wax them. Then you also have the problem of me upstaging the bride on her special day. I mean, all the men would want me and the women would wish they could look like me."

Cordy laughed until she cried, "Oh, William, I do love you so, only you can make me laugh until I'm about ready to pee my pants."

He jumped up and gasped in mock distress, "That is just, gross, honestly, Peaches, can you make her wear a diaper or something."

Angel sat and watched two of the most important people in his life banter and joke with each other. His heart told him it would only get better, but he knew he'd have to warn his parents of the possibility that Abby would be placed for adoption.

A part of him thought it was wrong, where the other part agreed with his cousin's reasoning. How could a child grow up and live with the knowledge her father couldn't love her like she deserved because of what her mother had done.

*******

Buffy started to cry, as she picked up the letter she now knew would be from Willow. The one thing she knew without a doubt before reading it was that her best friend would forgive her. She understood their friendship would never have the same sense of closeness, but Willow would still be her friend.

Dear Buffy

First off let me say I'm disappointed in how little you thought of our friendship. Okay now that's off my chest I can tell you how much I have missed you in my life. There has been so much I wanted to share with you but couldn't. Why? Because, I didn't know where to find you.

I worried and worried you'd done something horrible. Even if my heart told me you'd never hurt yourself like that, but my mind keep whispering other things. It reminded me that I never thought you'd runaway without telling me goodbye, but you did.

Seth misses his Godmother, and so do I. There has been an addition to the family since you've been gone. Seth has a baby sister, Rebecca. Yes I have me a set of Irish twins, how about that. So much for the rhythm method, but I can't say I regret it. She's beautiful and Seth loves being big brother. His first word was Sissy, can you believe it. Oz is having a great time playing the proud papa bear.

Oz and the band is doing very well, which I'm sure you know, or maybe you don't? I'm thinking maybe you dropped out of the music scene all together. I mean if you'd drop your friends to avoid Spike, then I'm sure you haven't kept up with the band's success.

I want you to know I want my friend back. I know it will take us some time to work out the issues, but I want to at least a chance to try. I can understand the hurt and pain you went through to drop everything here and move on like you did. Do you love Riley that much, or was it he was right there to pick up the pieces?

I know, don't ask. But I just need to hear your voice telling me you are really okay. I'm just a phone call away and a plane ride will get me there pronto if you say the word.

Oz sends his love and wishes you would come back into our lives. I so want Seth to know his Godmother and Rebecca Elizabeth to meet you. I sent a couple pictures for you to look at, and don't mind the subliminal messages not so hidden throughout.

Love and miss you

Still your bestest friend in the whole wide world

Willow

Buffy lay her head on the desk and sobbed, hearing Willow's voice reading to her as she let the words to the letter filter in her brain. She had done her best not to think of what she had done when she'd left. How she must have hurt those that never would've turned their backs on her or betrayed her whereabouts. The fact of the matter was she knew if she'd kept in contact with them it would weaken her need to stay away from Spike.

After a while, she sat up picking up the pictures, amazed at how much Seth had grown. His hair was a blend of his parents, but his eyes were just like his fathers. His smile belonged to his mother, a perfect blend of both his parents.

Rebecca was the cutest little bald headed baby she'd ever seen. Her big green eyes sparkled for the camera as it captured the perfection of a happy baby. The next one was of both children wearing tee shirts with, 'call mom', on them. Then came the nice little family shot, showing how Willow's hair had grown, and Oz looked nothing but proud. The last one, again a family photo, had the kids wearing their tee shirts, and Willow and Oz wearing theirs that read, 'call us'.

*******

"Giles residence."

"Hi, Mom." Angel greeted his mother.

"Angel, how are you?" Jenny asked, as she watched her husband play with the baby.
"I'm great, Cordy finally set a date."

"She did? Wonderful, when are you both getting married?" The excitement in her voice made him happy and yet sad.

"Congratulations, son." Rupert called out as he tickled his great-niece, making her laugh.

Giles and his wife found it hard to comprehend how William could hold this innocent child accountable for her mother's actions. She was a sweet angel and such a good baby. He also realized he was not William and would never truly understand, having not walked in his shoes.

"New Year's Eve is when." He told his mom, and he smiled hearing his father's comment in the background, and Abby laughing as well.

"How's William?" She asked.

"He's dealing, and I have to warn you he is doing some heavy, hard thinking about Abby's future."

"Really, is he ready to see her?"

"I'm sorry Mom, but no, it's more of him thinking that she never knows him is more like it."

"Angel, talk to me, what is he thinking?" She asked, as she sat down knowing already what he was going to tell her.

"Mom, I hope you understand why he would think about putting her up for adoption."

"Adoption, he would really want to do that without ever holding her."

"Mom, his reasoning is having her grow up loved and untouched by her mother's sins."

"So she would never know her father and would be separated from those who love her." Jenny's voice filled with anger toward her nephew.

"Mom, Wesley warned you both this could happen. That once Will, started to heal and look at things he could wish not to keep the baby. He was even talking about never meeting the twins and making sure they never knew he was their father. Something about keeping them protected from the ugliness."

"You say he was talking about it? Has something happened to change his mind about the twins?" She asked sarcastically.

"Yeah, he talked to Buffy, and she gave him pictures."

"Oh, so they are good enough for him to meet and get to know? While, this sweet baby has been waiting for him to acknowledge her birth."

"Mom, try and see it from Will's point, I understand where you're coming from, but I understand his feelings too. Maybe I made a mistake with telling you, but I thought you should know what he's thinking."

"I guess I should tell you, we've been talking to a lawyer about getting legal guardianship of her anyway. Maybe we will see about adopting her instead." Jenny fumed.

"Mom, I know you mean well, but think about it. How do you explain to her when she's older why her father didn't want to keep her?"

"We will come to that bridge when and if we come to it."

"Oh, that bridge will come, it will happen. How will she react finding out her mother conceived her while raping her father?"

"Angel, really, I know Fred took advantage of his condition, but to call it rape?"

"Mom, you really haven't listened to Will and Wesley at all have you? If not for the drugs she used, on Will, he never would have slept with the woman. She had him so high and stung out he doesn't remember much of anything. I tried to tell Will you needed to read her journal; he won't let me read it. But Wes had no problem telling me that Fred chemically, mentally, and physically raped my cousin, your nephew. Yes, Abby is an innocent victim, but so is William. The problem is William is learning to deal with what happened to him, Abby has a chance at a fresh start." Angel explained, knowing he was being brutal in his explanation.

Jenny started to cry as she looked at Abby's smiling face, "But she is just a baby."

"A baby that reminds him of a time he was taken advantage of, abused, and violated. Wesley says that for Will to handle things with Abby, he first must come to terms with his own feelings about what was done to him and the price paid. He finds out that Buffy left carrying his children, and is now married to someone else, who is raising them as his own. I’m so proud of him, not once has he fallen back to the bottle or the drugs. He's let me in finally, and I think he'd let you in too if you'd not push him about Abby. Love him like he deserves to be loved, no matter if he decides to be Abby's father or not. He needs you, Mom, not your judgment of him."

Jenny stood quietly letting her son's words sink in. Slowly she realized that was what she'd been doing ever since Abby had come to live with them right after she was born. She had been judging her nephew by her standards of being a responsible parent and not taking in consideration his circumstances. Until Angel had be direct with using the 'R' word, she'd never really thought about how Abby's birth truly affected William.

"No, Angel you were right to call and warn us. Even more important was you telling me how you honestly feel. You are right he does deserve our unconditional love and support. I think I will call him tomorrow and ask him how he is, and only bring up Abby if he asks about her."

"I think that would be great, and I know he misses not talking to you and Dad like you guys used to."

"I'm glad he has you."

"Did I tell you that Will is going to give Cordy away, be my best man, and wear a dress?"

"Angel, William in a dress?"

"Going to try and get him to catch the bouquet and everything." Angel did his best to keep from laughing.

"I will tell your father, dear." Jenny giggled.

"I love you both."

"Goodnight, honey and I will call you soon."

Jenny hung up the phone sighing as she turned to her husband. "William is going to give Cordy away, be Angel's best man and I think wear a dress."

"I hope you are kidding." Giles looked at her with his eyebrows raised and a look of fear on his face. "About the dress that is."

Jenny shrugged her shoulders and replied, "You never can tell with those three."

Giles nodded his head and smiled, "No, you can't. I heard you mention adoption and lawyers."

"Be a dear, and get Abby ready for bed, I'll make us some tea and then we can sit and talk." Jenny suggested.

"Must be serious." Giles expression became determined, "I will tell you now I will not give her up to be sent to a house full of strangers."

She gave him an understanding smile as she said, "Let's get the little one off to bed."

Jenny watched as her husband gently cradled Abby to his chest. For the first time she questioned if they had been right in making William let them take the baby into their home. She knew it was going to be hard to let her go, and even harder to choose between her William and Abby if it came down to it.

*******

Wesley startled awake at the loud knocking on his door. He looked at the clock and noticed it was three in the morning. He reached grabbing his glasses and putting them on as he got out the bed.

"I'm coming." He said when the knocking resumed.

"Please, hurry."

The young doctor hurried and put on his robe and walked quickly toward the door. The desperation he heard in William's voice concerned him.

"William, what's the matter?" He asked as soon as he opened the door, noticing the red eyes and anxious look on his face.

"The dreams are back, and I hate it. I hate her. I hate what I've done, I hate me!"

Wesley opened his door and motioned for William to enter, "Tell me what about the dreams make you hate so much."

Wes watched as William walked over to the corner of the room and slid down the wall. The shadows made it hard to see his face, but the way he wrapped his arms around his legs and huddled was not a good sign.

He walked over sitting down on the floor in front of the tortured young man, and patiently waited to see if the man would answer the question asked of him. He could see by the shaking of Will's shoulders he was crying.

"I dreamed I liked what she did to me, that I craved her to make it hurt worse. Then my father takes her place and tells me I'm like him and the more it hurts the more I like it. That I will be just like him no matter what I do. Then she comes back and makes me beg for more, telling me we belong together." William explained, his voice ragged and sad.

"Did you like what she did to you?"

"I can't remember what she really did to me, I really can't."

"We could use hypnoses and try and bring back your memories, if you do have any, to light."

"Not sure I can deal with what they might reveal."

"Could be it's what you need to be free from all of this, knowing the truth, no matter how harmful. It might be better then trying to live with the what ifs."

William whispered, "What if I remember I wanted her to hurt me, that I craved her to do those things to me?"

"We would have to ask that question, if indeed you find out that is true. I will be honest William; I think if you wanted what she did, you'd not be so conflicted about it. I think with you not remembering and reading her words and not knowing how it affected you at the time is what's eating at you."

"I'm so afraid, I don't know anymore what is real and what is not when I dream."

"Maybe it's time we tried to open the window and let the truth come out. I think you're punishing yourself in your dreams for not being stronger. For not standing up to your father, and for being weak and falling into the life of drugs, alcohol, and being taken advantage of by someone that you should have been able to trust. In the long run you're letting them win, and you shouldn't. You, William, from what I've read from Fred's journal, and the year that I've been your doctor and friend, believe with all my heart you didn't want what Fred or you Father did to you." Wesley said, hoping he was ready to take the next step.

"Sunday, can we do it Sunday?" William asked, "I want to see twins first on Saturday, and then we can do the mind meld thingy on Sunday."

"I will have everything ready, and you come to me when you are ready." Wes felt encouraged, "and by the way, I think you are doing a great job here. I'm very proud of you and how far you have come this week."

William looked shocked as he replied, "I've come far, in what way."

"You came to me tonight, I didn't have to question you about the tired look of not sleeping. You've made decisions on your own, and so far you have handled things very well. Not once have you mentioned the need to have a drink or want to find something to help take the pain away." Wesley explained with a proud look on his face, since he sat in the soft glow of the bedside lamp.

"What about her, I'm thinking of putting her up for adoption?" William asked cautiously. Still, unable to say Abby's name aloud.

"As long as you truly believe that is the best thing you could do for you, then so be it. It is not a bad decision, William, as long as you are sure that is what you want to do."

"It will make Jenny and Giles disown me."

"They were warned of the possibility when they took on her care. It could be they will fight to adopt her themselves."

William sighed, "I hope not, it would defeat the purpose of giving her a chance to be free from all of this mess. I want her to have a nice family, a mother and father that can look at her and love her unconditionally. I want her to be wanted, no whispering behind her back that her father hated her and her mother was the reason."

"Do you hate her?" Wesley asked, since this was the closest the man had come to mentioning any emotion associated with the baby.

William looked up and said, "I don't know, and I don't want to know."

Wesley could see how William truly didn't know how he felt about Abby. "Let's see how things go on Sunday, then we can talk more about it. Just know I will support whatever decision you make as long as you are sure that is what you want to do."

"Thanks, Wes."

"You're very welcome. Now, if you don't wish to go back to your room, there's the extra bed here you can sleep in."

"Do you snore?"

"Kate tells I'm not too bad. How about you?"

"Buffy said it was more like a purr." William whispered, "I want her back. I want her and our kids, and I want more babies with her. I want me and my Goldilocks to be a family."

"I know you do."

"But they are dreams that no hypnotizing will make better or come true."

"No, it will not. Take one day at a time, William." Was all Wesley could say, he was sure if Buffy was truthful to herself, she'd see that it was what she wanted as well. Like he'd told Riley, he could read people very well, and he knew that Mrs. Finn was still in love with her babies father. "Get some rest, tomorrow is another day."

William stood up and made his way to the other bed. All he could think of was that during the last year he'd found someone he could trust with his darkest secrets. Wesley had turned out to be not only a great doctor, but a good friend as well.

*******

Giles sat stunned as his wife repeated what their son had told him. He had a different understanding concerning William now. No one had used the word rape before when describing what Fred had done. They had softened it by always using the words 'taken advantage of''.

"I had believed, or maybe lived in denial, that the sexual nature of their relationship was consensual. I never let myself think that she'd somehow forced the sex to happen." Jenny explained.

"He had to have known he was having intimate relations with the woman." Giles exclaimed, as he took off his glasses and cleaned them a bit harshly.

"Remember the mess we found him in. It all makes sense now, it really does. If she had not used those drugs would he have slept with her? Did she warp his mind into thinking it was what he wanted, when they had sex. Oh God, Rupert, that bitch raped our boy." Jenny started to sob, as her husband pulled her on his lap.

"We will get through this, sweetheart." Giles tried to console her.

Jenny pulled back and whispered, "You don't understand, he thinks we will choose the baby over him. We've judged him while wearing our blinders. I understand now, looking at it from Will's point of view, he is trying to do what is best for her, for Abby. You see, if she is adopted she has a chance to grow up with a clean slate, nothing about her mother or father's past will touch her. He has to live with it all for the rest of his life, including the part of giving up his own daughter."

"So, you will support him putting Abby up for adoption?" Giles sighed, wondering if he'd be able to agree to it.

"Rupert, think about it from William's point of view. Would it be fair for her live in the shadow of what Fred has done to this family? I don't think I could let my boy walk away from me while I raised his baby, the baby that would remind him every day of something that cost him everything. His self-respect, his future with Buffy and their kids, gone by what that monster had done." Jenny, knew soon he'd come to see it her way.

"You don't think we could protect her from it?" He asked, not wanting to give up the baby that melted his heart.

"Who do we tell her William is? How do we explain why he wants nothing to do with her, being family and all? Can we really walk away from him when he needs us too, maybe even more then Abby does? Will he think we abandoned him? As much as I've come to love her, I'm not sure we'd be the best parents for her. I'm not sure Anne would forgive me for forsaking her son when he needs me the most." Jenny tried to make him see her reasoning and understand where she was coming from.

"Let me sleep on it. I need some time to think it all out in my head." Giles sighed.

"Take whatever time you need. You don't have to agree, just try and understand the why of it all."

"I will try. I promise you this, my love, no matter what I decide I will make sure that William knows that I love him. Maybe I should make sure I tell him that tomorrow when we call."

Jenny hugged her husband and said, "Thank you for that. I think he needs to hear us tell him that."

"I have faith this will all work out for the best." Giles sighed, his heart already breaking at the prospect of losing that little one upstairs.

"I pray to God everyday you're right."

"Let's go to bed, Abby will have us up at the break of dawn." Giles said before he kissed his wife and led her upstairs to bed.





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