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A/N Some of the dialogue in this chapter belongs to Drew Goddard, Doug Petrie and Joss Whedon. Another big thank you to Allison and pj for their suggestions!
Chapter 14 – Where Do We Go From Here?
“Spike.”
Looking up when he heard her voice, so soft and full of compassion, Spike let a gentle smile play on his features. Her mere presence did wonders to relax him.
“I'm in trouble, Buffy,” he whispered.
“I can help you.”
“I could never ask. Not after…”
“It's different,” she insisted, looking at him with hope in her eyes. “You're different.”
“I could never ask,” he repeated in a whisper.
“Spike, it's me,” she insisted. “It's you and it's me, and we'll get through this.”
“Never…”
He trailed off, nervously putting his hand behind his ear and nearly jumping in surprise when Buffy reached out to take it in hers.
“We'll get through this.”
Opening his eyes, Spike felt his entire body constrict with pain. Looking around the small room, all of the warmth was ripped from it when he didn’t see her. Feeling the sweat along his forehead and the uncontrollable shaking that ran through his body, he let his head fall back to rest against the wall, trying to conjure her face from his memory and ignore the tears that were streaming down his face. The only sound that filled the room was a soft whisper.
“Buffy.”
* * * * *
8 Months Later
Wiping off the tables in the club, Buffy looked at the clock for the third
time in ten minutes. With a heavy sigh, she continued cleaning the beer
bottles and napkins from the table before heading back to the bar.
“How’re you holding up, sweet pea?” Lorne asked when Buffy dropped her tray
on the bar.
“It’s been a long night,” she muttered, relieved when Parker walked over to
her.
“You ready to call it a night, Buff?”
“Yes,” she replied gratefully, untying the small apron from around her
waist.
“You know,” Parker said with a grin, looking her up and down. “The night
could just be beginning.”
“No thanks,” she said, restraining herself from rolling her eyes and walking
past her boss and into the nearby office.
“When are you going to take me up on my offer, Buffy?” Parker asked,
following her as she tossed her apron on a shelf and clocked out.
“I’m not interested, Parker,” Buffy said, not giving him a second glance.
“I’m not going to date my boss, and even if that wasn’t the case, I’m not
interested.”
Without waiting for a reply, Buffy was out the door and practically flying
through the club. She hated this job. The only bright spot was being able
to work with Lorne on a regular basis. The hours were horrible, and having
to avoid being sexually harassed every night definitely wasn’t high on her
list for a good time.
Shivering when she walked out of the club, Buffy paused, trying to clear her
lungs of the smoke that seemed to permeate her body. Staying still for a
moment, she suddenly got the distinct impression that she was being watched,
and there was only one person alive who could cause the feelings that seemed
to be washing over her.
Standing where she was, Buffy couldn’t bring herself to turn around and face
the man she hadn’t seen in months. The man who was now burned in her memory
for giving her one of the most terrifying experiences of her life…and also some of
the best ones.
Closing her eyes for a brief moment, she tried to stop the trembling that
seemed to take over.
“What do you want?” she asked quietly, not trusting herself to turn around
yet.
“I had to see you.”
Finally turning to face him, she gave Spike a long, hard look, taking in the
change in his appearance. The all-black look was gone, replaced with blue
jeans, a pale blue shirt, and a short leather jacket. His formerly white
hair was now a dark brown with pale blonde tips, and if it was possible, it
made him look even more gorgeous. The added weight was obviously muscle, and
his face wasn’t as gaunt as it used to be. Buffy had to remind herself that
they weren’t together anymore. That she couldn’t just walk up to him and
throw her arms around his neck and forget the past eight months with a kiss.
Nearly shaking her head to clear it of the disturbing thoughts, Buffy
crossed her arms over her chest when she noticed his eyes were perusing her,
much in the same way she’d been staring at him.
“You’ve seen me,” she muttered. “I’m going now.”
“Please wait,” he said in a soft voice, shoving his hands in the pockets of
his coat.
“For what?” she asked through clenched teeth.
“I…can we talk?”
Buffy looked him up and down for a minute before answering, “Are you
sober?”
“I am.”
“Are you on anything?”
“No.”
Glancing down at the ground, her arms tightened around her body. “Fine,”
she said softly, tensing when Spike approached her before taking a step
back.
Spike noticed and stopped. “Buffy-”
“Do not start by saying you're sorry,” she cut him off, her jaw clenching in
anger.
“I didn't come here to atone,” he said quietly.
“Then what the hell do you want?”
“I…I don’t really know. I guess I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“You did that already,” Buffy replied, turning around to walk down the
sidewalk. “You sent Angel to check on me eight months ago…I’ve had time to
get over it.”
“Have you?” he asked, falling into step beside her and watching her
intently.
“I’m fine,” she said through clenched teeth.
Spike stayed quiet for a few moments as they walked through the city.
“Buffy, the reason I came…besides wanting to check on you…I wanted to start
over.”
Buffy stopped walking, her eyes widening as she tried to control her
breathing before turning to look at him. “Are you crazy?”
“I don’t mean…start over, the way you’re thinking. I want to earn your
trust.”
“Look, this… it's not a way for us to get back together, if that's what you
want,” she said, still looking at him in shock.
“It's not. Look, I can't blame you for being all skittish.”
“Skittish?” she asked in disbelief. “That's not a word I would use for it.
You tried to rape me. I don't have the words.”
“Neither do I…I can't say sorry. Can't use 'forgive me'. All I can say is-
Buffy, I've changed.”
“The rehab,” she murmured in understanding before walking again.
“So you heard.”
“Kind of hard not to,” she whispered. “One of the biggest rock stars in the
world is getting treatment for two addictions, and it’s everywhere you look.
The news, magazines…it was all over the place.”
“Including what I did to you,” he said quietly, his voice filled with shame.
“No one knew it was me,” she said softly. “Xander and Angel kept quiet.
All anyone knew was that you had too much to drink and…almost took things
too far with an anonymous blonde.”
“I never meant to,” he whispered in a choked voice, tears already building
up in his eyes. “I never wanted to hurt you.”
Staying quiet for a long moment, Buffy could see her apartment building in
the distance as they continued to walk. “I know you didn’t want to hurt me,
Spike…but you did and that’s…”
“Unforgivable,” he murmured, unable to look at her when Buffy turned her
gaze to him.
Not knowing what to say, they continued to walk in silence until they
reached the steps that led to her building. Finally turning to face him,
Buffy felt tears begin to spill over when she realized that she wanted
nothing more than to let him take her in his arms and hold her.
“Why did you lie to me?” she asked in a trembling voice.
Spike watched the tears fall and felt as if his heart was breaking all over again.
“Because I knew I would lose you,” he replied, straining to speak against
the lump in his throat. “I didn’t think I could make it without you.”
Looking at the ground for a moment, Buffy bit her lip before turning her gaze back to him. “That night…would you have stopped?” she asked, her voice trembling with emotion.
Spike looked at her for a moment before realizing she wasn’t talking about
the drugs. “I don’t know.”
“That’s not true.”
After a long pause, Spike looked up at her with watery eyes. “I don’t think
I would have,” he said in a choked voice.
Buffy took a deep breath, unconsciously taking a step away from him.
“Points for honesty,” she murmured. “Points off for what you’re being
honest about.”
“I should go,” Spike whispered, trying to find the strength to turn away
from her and leave.
“That would probably be best.”
“I love you,” he murmured, raising his eyes to hers. “I love you so much.”
Tearing her eyes away from his intense gaze, Buffy took a shaky breath. “I
know.”
“Can I see you again?”
“I…”
“Not a date. I know you don’t want that, I just…I just wanted to see you
again, but if you don’t…”
“I don’t know what you’re hoping for,” Buffy whispered. “If you…if you stay like this, if you stay healthy I might be able to give you this,” she said, gesturing between the two of them. “But that’s it, Spike.”
Taking a shaky breath, Spike nodded. “I can live with that.”
Thank you so, so, so, so, so, much: Reciprocity, Jessica, gattaca, Amanda, spufette, captain peroxide, Mari, H, gypsy_jin, Stephanie, Erin, melissa, Caitie, kar, Sevvy_O, Juanita, Nyah Ambrose, Franchesca, Tahmoe, jenny, Seraiza, Crystal Pegasus, pj, dreamgirl4eva, spikes slayer, Laine, Caatje, Caroline, starhawk, Ash, Bint, Alicia, Cordykitten, CC, Mariana & Lacey Marsters for the wonderful reviews!!