Chapter 18
Buffy was clutching Spike’s ass in both hands. Anything to assure that he didn’t move away, that he didn’t take away her support, and move his erection away from her bottom. Even through both their jeans she could still feel every inch of him, rubbing against her, making her wetter with every stroke. She never thought of Spike as a dancer. His arms were wrapped tight around her waist, his face buried in the crook of her neck, while they swayed to the bluesy beat of the jazz band playing in the corner.
The other patrons of the small bar in the Gas Lamp district were openly staring at them. Spike was making love to her in every way he could, considering they were both completely clothed and in public, but Buffy didn’t care. For once, she was completely lost to the sensual side of her nature. A side that needed a creature as strong as she was. She rubbed her cheek against his jaw.
“I love you,” she whispered.
“Love you, too, kitten. Always going to love you.”
“I know.”
“You might want to pull those talons out of my flesh though.”
Buffy immediately unclenched her hands with a chuckle, and then softly rubbed the offended piece of his anatomy. “Sorry, about that.”
“It’s okay. I like it when you get rough.” He practically purred the words into her ear while one hand ran down her hip. The caress continued until he was almost stroking her between her legs. Buffy tensed, and then relaxed when she felt his fangs drag along her shoulder. She was his, whether they were in darkness or light. Unlike the last time he’d made love to her at the Bronze, they were currently surrounded by strangers. She was also more receptive to the invitation he’d extended then. Turning to face him, she slipped her hands around so they were resting on his hips. He slipped back to human visage as he stared down at her in curiosity.
“What would you say…,” Buffy kissed his jaw, and then nipped it gently. “If I asked you to turn me?”
This time he tensed, his eyes widening as he almost stumbled away from her. There was no immediate answer. Only bewilderment mixed with a strange wonder on his countenance. His eyes searched her face looking for something. She wasn’t sure what he wanted to know. She just waited while her stomach pitched in fear that he would say yes, because she wasn’t sure what she really wanted.
“No, is what I would say,” Spike finally responded with a long unneeded exhale. “I hope you were bleedin’ joking.”
But she could tell from his words that it wasn’t really a statement, but a question. It wasn’t a joke. Nor was she even sure she was serious. She just wanted to know if he wanted her to be his in every way. If his love was as unconditional as he said. “What if I could get my soul back?” She asked with tentative words, while she stared at a spot in the middle of his chest.
“Have you gone completely daft?” He spat the question out as he threw his arms out before letting them drop to his side. “Forget it. I think you’ve had too much to drink. Come on.”
Grabbing her arm, he yanked her off her feet before leading her through the crowd without thought to the people around them. He slammed out the front door and in the cool night air. Once they were free of the crowd of people waiting to get in, Spike dropped his hand from her. Turning away, he reached into his pocket to pull out a squashed pack of cigarettes. He lit one without even glancing back. Buffy shivered, wrapping her arms around herself to ward off the chills. It didn’t help.
“Hold me,” Buffy asked, stepping in front of him. For a second she thought he would refuse, but then he pulled her against him. He ran his hands along her back, creating warmth from the friction. “Thank you.”
“Buffy, please tell me that you weren’t serious.” His voice cracked under the anguish he must have been feeling. He tightened his grip on her, burying his face in her hair.
“I don’t know,” she whispered honestly. “You once told me that I belonged in the dark with you. I wanted to be then,” she looked up at him with a smile. “Actually, I wanted to be anywhere you were, but…”
“You couldn’t be with an evil thing.”
“Don’t,” she begged, squeezing him tight. Burying her face against his chest, she asked for something she never had before, while taking all the blame for their past relationship. “Forgive me, Spike. Please?”
“There’s nothing to forgive you for,” Spike said with a sigh. He kissed the top of her head. “Loved you then and I love you now.”
“If it doesn’t then why are you so upset about me asking you to turn me? Isn’t that what you wanted?”
“Not really, Love, I wanted to kill you for a long time. It’s two different things.”
They shared a smile. Maybe it was time to give up the whole question-and-answer game. Spike wasn’t sharing anything that she didn’t already know. Leaning against him, she looked up at him provocatively, “I know what you want to do with me now.”
“You think you do, huh?” He ran his tongue along his upper teeth, while his hand slipped under her blouse to tickle her back. Leaning a little closer he whispered, “So, tell me what I want to do with that luscious body of yours?”
Buffy pulled away, laughing she took off down the street. It took only a second before she heard his boots pounding against the pavement behind her. The streets were crowded, but she easily darted between people. Her body surged at the unexpected exertion until she felt like she was flying. She took a deep breath, filling her lungs as she tore around a corner, picking up speed on the nearly empty side street. There was no open clubs blaring music, or shops hoping for a few late night spenders. The doorways were darkened, with the only illumination from the streetlights dotting the sidewalk.
“Buffy wait up,” Spike called. He muttered something she couldn’t hear, but it didn’t make her stop. Freedom was beckoning her to keep moving. There were no friends, no father figures, suppressing fiancés, and no lovers trying to bring back a part of her soul that she would rather stay dead. The sound of Spike running behind was getting closer, which only made Buffy speed up as she turned toward a grassy space ahead.
She should have known. It was a cemetery, and through her sobs, she laughed. Always it came back to this, and death. Stopping suddenly she dropped to her knees, and let the tears come. The heartache from the ironic twist racked her body as she buried her face in her hands.
“What the hell is going on?” Spike asked, dropping down on the grass next to her. He ran his hand through her hair with a tenderness reminiscent of her mother’s touch; it only made her cry harder. It all came crashing back to her…the pain, the loneliness, the depression, and she instinctively turned to Spike. He pulled her close, rocking her back and forth; as he reminded her of how much she was loved. “Its okay, Buffy, I’m here.”
Never before had she cried, not like this, not even when her mother died. There was always something to take care of, or something that needed doing. Crying was something she’d never taken the time to indulge in before. In this place of death, she let herself go, let herself become the child that was so lonely within her heart. And as always Spike was there to take away the pain. His hands ran along her back, while he planted gentle kisses on her head. This was safety. She couldn’t imagine ever existing without him beside her again.
“I love you,” she hiccupped. She held his arm with a death grip. “Don’t ever leave me. I don’t think I’d survive.”
“You would. You’re stronger than you think.”
“Bullshit,” she retorted, twisting in his arms until she was facing him. She pet his face with loving strokes until she gave up and leaned her forehead against his while her arms wound around his neck. “It always comes back to this. I’m a mess, and I use you to make myself feel better.”
“Are you using me? Is this all you want?” His words were so soft they almost became lost in the breeze that was tangling them in its sweet scented grasp. “Don’t you love me?” It was a question from her poor, forlorn William. Still so insecure even after a century of being one of the best vampires in history.
“Yes, I love you.” Buffy reassured him with kisses to his cheek. “Always. What are you going to do without me?”
“You’re leaving me?” His voice held not only surprise, but also a desperation that ripped her heart in half.
“No…baby, I’m not.” The unfamiliar endearment tripped on her tongue, but yet, it felt good to give something to Spike that she’d never given to anyone else. It was something unique and special just for them. “Never going to leave you…but what if I…die?”
“I’ll call Willow.” He chuckled but she could hear the agony in his voice. Quickly kissing him, Buffy tried to take the sting of her words away. She slid her tongue along his, while her fingers tangled in his hair. He eased her down onto her back in the damp grass. The blades scratched the exposed skin of her back making her want to push him away. She didn’t. He was taking her to that special heaven that existed when only he stoked her fires. His leg slipped between hers as he broke away from her mouth to burn a trail of kisses along her neck. “Oh god, Buffy, don’t ever leave me. I need you so much.”
“I won’t…I won’t,” she promised, even though she knew it was a lie. One day, either in battle or by disease or age she would abscond to death. It was inevitable. Maybe that was why she’d asked him to turn her to a vampire. A part of her subconscious knew that no matter how much they bonded, or how many promises they made, one day they would be separated again. The cycle of life didn’t care how much love they had for one another, or how much they depended on the other to be whole. It only cared that the seasons passed. “I don’t want to ever be apart from you. I love you…love you,” she sobbed.
How was it fair? Nothing was, and she wondered if maybe it had been a mistake for Spike to take her away from her wedding. They were both surviving without each other. Of course, he had been doing so much better then she, with a home, friends, and a purpose. She was so weak. Not worthy of someone who was so willing to put so much of himself on the line for what he wanted.
“You won’t pet, you won’t,” he reassured, returning to her mouth for hard, fast kisses that left her yearning for more. She threaded her fingers into his hair, holding him close so that she could run her tongue along his lips. He grabbed it with his teeth, biting gently down on the tip. “I’ll always be here.”
Buffy turned her head to the side, exposing her neck to him. The last bite that he’d left was still a dark bruise against the golden tone of her skin. “Take me,” she whispered. “Make me feel it.”
It was the most she could offer him. All of her, and it was up to him what to do with it. It was also trust. Since coming with him, she’d made him prove that she could trust him, now she offered it to him as a gift. His eyes clouded with confusion for a moment then shifted to amber. It only took a second before he was fang deep into her flesh. She arched her hips upwards as she felt the burn all the way down to her cunt. Pleasure, plain and simple, and she knew it was part of the seductive lure of the vampire. He drank with a reverent slowness that was purely sexual as he pressed her into the ground with the strength of his hard cock.
Closing her eyes, she let herself drift away to a place where she was warm and safe. At peace in a way that only he could make her feel, and she let go of everything but him. Her hands fell away to lie on the ground beside her, and her body went limp. He was taking too much, but she didn’t fight back. It was over, and Spike knew it, too. Soon she would drink from him, and then they could disappear forever just the two of them.
to be continued…
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Author's Chapter Notes:
After much thought and consideration, I am putting this story on hiatus. It is becoming a story that deviates from all original intention and plot. Once I have more time, I will give this fic the attention it deserves, rewrite it and post it once again. Thank you to everyone who has been loyal in following this story, I really appreciate all the time you’ve invested and the comments you’ve made. When it comes back it will be better than ever. This is the last chapter I wrote before making this decision.