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Author’s Note Thank you to everyone who has responded with feedback on my fics. I really do appreciate it. And if you've left a review, I WILL be responding. This week has been really busy and I will do it this weekend when things are a little quieter. But until I do, just know that I appreciate it.



Chapter 4



Trying to find distance from the source of his turbelent emotions, Spike had retreated to the verandah at the back of his house. But he was leaning against the railing so that he was facing his bedroom. From there he could gaze upon Buffy sleeping soundly in the middle of his bed. She was still wearing the corset and stockings from her wedding attire. Somehow neither of them ever got around to removing them while they shagged and after the last time she fell promptly asleep.

Sleep was an elusive being for him that night. His thoughts were tangled around emotions that he was unable to explain. So, he stood on outside in the chill of the night while he held either his second or third cigarette since he’d left her side. He inhaled the last bit of nicotine deep into his lungs then flicked the butt out into the sand. The burn felt good, almost as good as the sex they’d been indulging in all night. His body was humming from the pleasure it had received. Something it had almost forgotten about in the last few years.

Celibacy was his chosen lifestyle. There were a few attempts at sharing his bed in the years since the time spent in Los Angeles. All beautiful, passionate creatures that easily succumbed to his looks and charms. There was even another Slayer. One of Buffy’s girls who wanted to experiment with the dark side. She bored him with her hero worship and was quickly sent on her way. The rest of them were unable to handle who he was and none that he could unleash his demon side on. All human, all weak, not at all like his Slayer. Even broken she was more woman than they would ever be. This night with her had made up for every moment he’d spent alone.

Spike studied the woman in his bed. He knew why he was where he was at the moment. The reason why he’d gone to take back what was his. But he still wondered why she was with him? What had happened to her during the last few years? What had happened to bring her to this state? The day he sacrificed his life for her in the cave he’d seen the power in her eyes. The hope flaring in those emerald depths that was as bright as the flame that took him. She should have been happy. Taking the world by the tail and living life the way she wanted.

It certainly couldn’t have anything to do with him. She moved on after his death and even after his resurrection. She was dating the Immortal then the boy at the altar. She helped Giles rebuild the Council and became a momma hen to all the new Slayers. When had things changed? What catastrophe occurred to bring her to her knees? He almost wanted to call them and ask? But that would only lead to more fighting which was something neither of them wanted.

Needing answers, Spike wandered back to the bed, sitting on the side rather than crawling in beside her. He was impatient to have her attention again. There were too many questions that he didn’t have answers for, but she could provide him with everything he wanted to know. He just needed to ask her and like a child he pulled the comforter away from her legs to see if she would wake up.

“Spike, I’m cold,” Buffy mumbled without opening her eyes. She fumbled to find the covers that he kept out of her reach. In uncovering her, he remembered she was still partially dressed in clothes that had to have been binding her.

“Just a minute, pet,” Spike said, pulling her stockings down her legs. They were dropped over the side of the bed without a second thought. He covered her legs back up then pulled the comforter away form her torso. This time her eyes fluttered open. “Trying to make you more comfortable.” He kissed the curve of her hip letting his lips drift across her bottom before he undid the ties to her corset. She sighed in obvious relief when he peeled it away. Indentions burned bright pink against her flesh from where it had pinched her. “Do you feel better now?” He asked, sitting next to her again.

“Yes,” Buffy said, rolling onto her back. “I feel like I can breathe now.”

His fingers traced the horizontal patterns along her ribs then her abdomem. She inhaled when he tickled the spot just below her breasts. He glanced up at her but he didn’t stop the path his fingers were making. It was amazing what women would do to be beautiful, but then he’d enjoyed Buffy in the purely feminine garb.

But there was a price payed for that enjoyment. At least that price was temporary. The marks would fade in a little while leaving no reminder of where they’d been. Her skin would return to the creaminess that it always was. He noticed that her breasts hung a little looser now. They were still beautiful though and he cupped one. Squeezing the softness, watching the way her body grew restless under his ministrations. The nipple pebbled beneath his palm begging for his attention. He rolled the nub between index finger and thumb. He was entranced by the reactions she gave to him.

“How many, Buffy?” He asked out of the blue, not even realizing he was going to ask until the words tumbled from his mouth.

“How many what?”

Her face scrunched up. She knew what he was asking for but she was going to make him beg for it. Force him to draw blood from them both. It would be better to let it drop. Her spreading her legs for anyone else only made him want to kill. To demand retribution from her. It wasn’t his place though. Not yet.

“How many have you shagged since me?”

“Does it really matter?” She asked, raising her arms above her head. His eyes flickered upwards to find that she knew what she was doing. Letting herself be submissive for him. He shook his head. It was time for truth. Not forgetting.

“To me it does.”

Buffy shoved his hand away and sat up. Annoyance flashed across her face. “Two…the Immortal and…him.”

“The boy?”

She nodded.

“Doesn’t he have a name?” Spike laughed, wondering why she refused to name him.

“Yes, he does,” Buffy said. She pulled the covers over her nakedness. Her head turned away. “I…I don’t want to tell you.”

“Is he the reason you have no spirit left?”

Anger was stirring in him. It was there on her face. The harmless boy that stood beside her at the altar was the one who had broken her. Spike knew he wasn’t a demon or a mystical being of any kind. He cocked his head to study the woman before him. Tears were running down her face. He cupped her cheek forcing her to face him.

“What happened, Buffy?”

“Make love to me,” she pleaded, drawing her hand down his leg. “Just forget it, please.”

Enough was enough. This time it would be different. He would no longer be her whipping boy, charmed into not asking questions or for anything, just so he could have the pleasure of her body. His hand went to her throat, shoving her against the headboard. She struggled, gasping for air. Her hands grabbed his wrists trying to pull him away. It was only when she was on the verge of passing out that he relented. She fell to the side, holding her throat, and raggedly drawing in needed air.

“Are you going to tell me now?”

His voice and demeanor were calm but inside he was raging. Buffy was his. No one accepted that fact and everyone tried to take her away from him. But yet they wanted her with a monster of some sort that had taken away her very soul. The boy was accepted because he was human. It made no sense to him. He was tired of playing by their rules.

“I can’t,” Buffy said. “You don’t…you wouldn’t understand.”

He grabbed her by her hair and pulling her up so that she was forced to face him. She was sobbing by now. Her body hiccupped with the force of them. A part of him only wanted to coddle her. And another wanted to beat her until she understood that he was her master. His actions didn’t make sense because he didn’t want her fear, he wanted her respect. Yet, he couldn’t stop the demon, didn’t want to stop the demon from taking control.

“Tell me anyway,” Spike growled. “If you are going to be with me then I need to know the truth of everything. What did he do to you?”

“He loved me,” Buffy gasped. “He loved me and I was so fucking lonely. I believed him. I believed it all. Oh, god, everything and everyone was gone. I didn’t want to wake up alone anymore or sleep alone.” She struck his chest with her open hand. “Damn you for making me feel again. Damn you for leaving me. I hate you,” she screamed. “Do you hear me? I hate you for ever loving me. You made me crave something I could never be. And I had to tear my soul out just so somebody would want to be with me. No normal man could handle me so I lost me so I wouldn’t be alone.”

He released her in disbelief. Watched as she tried to run in panic, but there was no where for her to go. The only clothing available was the dress on the floor. Besides, she had no idea of where she was. She was trapped and she knew it. She moaned deep in her throat, wrapped the comforter around her, only to trip on it and fall to the floor. She lay there weeping. Her heart shattered for something that only he could give her and he’d taken it away from her.

Spike scooped her up and returned her to his bed. He wrapped his arms, tight around her.

“Shush, pet, it’s going to be all right,” Spike whispered, kissing her shoulder. “You’re with me now. You’re safe.”

Was it all right? He knew it wasn’t. Buffy had been trained well. By every man she ever loved. Her father who thought women were disposable, by Angel who only wanted her when she was a little girl and dumped her when she wanted womanly things. By Parker who taught her not to trust her own feelings. By Riley who taught her that she was too strong, and by him who taught her that loving her was conditional. On whether or not he felt the time was right. And they all taught her how to say good-bye.

She was trained to become what the man wanted her to be and maybe he’d stick around. The boy had done well. She denied her true self and she was rewarded with a wedding.

Spike hugged her tight, whispering words of love to her. Making promises of forever. But he wondered if he loved her enough to make her whole again, patient enough to see it through, and strong enough to do what needed to be done.


to be continued…





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