Chapter 8
Their long afternoon together had been near perfect bliss spent in each other’s arms. There was no counting how many times they had made love because they didn’t stop touching the whole time they were in bed. Never before had she been touched with such slow devotion that made every inch of her skin tingle in need. He made her feel like she was melting as he caressed her into a frenzy that left her dripping with desire for him. Kisses that burned their way into her soul and a taking of her body that made her weep with the love he burned into her heart.
Buffy knew she was completely in love with Spike. She would shout it from the rooftops if it would help to reach him. It was evident that he loved her, too. He wouldn’t touch like she was everything holy if he didn’t. She held onto that knowledge with everything she had knowing it would get her through the rough spots they kept having.
“What are you thinking about?” Spike asked, rolling onto his side and kissing her shoulder.
“About us,” Buffy said, smiling. “About how lucky we are to have been able to find each other again.”
“I’ll second that,” Spike whispered. “It’s going to be wonderful, Buffy.”
“It already is,” she said, almost wistfully. It almost was, she told herself sternly, and it would be. “I’m happy,” she reiterated. It was more for herself than for him.
“I won’t ever let you go,” Spike said, nuzzling her neck. He trailed kisses down to her naked breast where he licked at one nipple still tingling from his last bout of attention toward it. “You’ll never be alone again.”
“I know.” She arched, pressing herself against his questing mouth. She tangled her fingers through his curls that lay in twisted snarls against his scalp. “I don’t want to leave you,” Buffy whispered, hoping her constant declarations of her love would help him to overcome his insecurity about her.
One last kiss on the side of her breast before he looked up with a smile. “Where were you going on your honeymoon?”
“Why?”
The question startled her, but she forced herself to relax. He pulled her closer against him, hooking a leg over hers while his hand cupped her face. The intensity of his gaze made her nervous. He … no, she was on the edge again of facing the anger that seemed to have a life of its own within him.
“Buffy, I asked you a question,” he said, too pleasantly. “Please, answer me. Remember honesty?”
“Hawaii,” she said, trying to keep the quaking from her voice. “La…we rented a house there for a couple of weeks.”
“See, now was that so difficult?” he grinned at her. His thumb caressed her cheek. “I noticed that most of the clothes in your bag looked new.”
“Yeah, I bought them for the trip,” Buffy said, relaxing. Maybe she could learn this new game he wanted to play. Answer his questions, do what he said, and don’t try to change the rules, and there wouldn’t be any arguments. “I…wish I’d known that I was coming here instead…not that I would change how things happened, but…”
“You would have bought clothes for me, instead of him?”
“Yes,” Buffy answered, nodding.
“We’ll replace them,” he growled possessively. “It’s almost dark. We can go shopping and get some dinner in town. Would you like that?”
“Yes,” she said, giggling. It really wasn’t so hard to get along with him after all. “I love you, Spike.”
“Love you too, kitten.”
~~~~~~
The lazy afternoon heat had given way to a cool evening that was pleasant for a leisurely shopping excursion. His generosity overwhelmed her as he indulged her every whim. If she liked something it was added to the growing pile of clothes that he was paying for. He took her to stores that stocked everything she needed from panties to jeans to dresses. Not since her father tried to buy her love had she been so frivolous about choosing clothes. Sometimes Spike would pick something out, and it never surprised her that not only did it fit but it looked good on her. The smile he bestowed on her when she showed them off made everything worthwhile.
Within a couple of hours the trunk of the Lincoln was loaded with her new wardrobe. A new dress hugged her curves as they made their way to a restaurant for some dinner before heading home.
His hand held tightly to hers, leading her as she took in the party like atmosphere of Avenida Revolucion. It was overwhelming after being confined to the house for the last couple of days. People were everywhere, tourists and locals, all pushing along the crowded sidewalks. Vendors kept approaching them, offering the pretty lady jewelry, clothes, even drinks all at what they considered a cheap price. Spike ignored them, moving through the crowds with an intensity that made her a little uncomfortable. Gone was the playful meandering of before, but she continued to hold tightly to his hand, not wanting to get lost.
Sternly, she reminded herself that none of this was new to him. It was where he lived, an every day place that didn’t bring any new excitement to him. It was only when she slowed to glance wistfully into the window of a shoe store did he consider her feelings.
“Am I walking too fast?” Spike asked, glancing back but not yet slowing his stride.
“I’m fine,” Buffy said, trying to remember that this was where she lived now. There would be plenty of time for her to get to know the area and window shop.
Spike stopped suddenly as if he could read her mind. His arm slipped around her waist, while he bent to kiss her cheek. “I apologize. This is your first time here, isn’t it? We can do the tourist thing if you would like.”
Her heart thudded in appreciation as she looked up at him then shook her head. “I am a bit tired. Let’s get some food then head home.” A small thrill ran through her as she realized it was their home. This was her reality now. Not the life she left behind in Los Angeles.
He smiled at her, and then turned to start moving along the sidewalk again, her hand tucked back in his. This time his pace was a little slower allowing her time to look a bit more at the wares being offered. Buffy made mental notes on the shops she wanted to return to on another day. A smile danced across her face as she watched a small child dart in front of them. She was adorable with pink ribbons in her long black hair. It made Buffy wonder if she would ever have a child. A baby with dark curly hair and big blue eyes.
“What are you thinking about, pet?” Spike asked, startling her. His eyes moved from her to the little girl who was fast disappearing in the crowd. He tilted his head as he returned to study her.
“Just daydreaming,” Buffy replied, smiling. She hoped he wouldn’t force her to say what he already knew. It wasn’t time yet. “I never thought that I would live in a place like this or actually live…,” she sighed. “It’s hard to explain.”
“I understand,” he said stepping closer to her. “Thought you would do your slaying, then die and get to stay dead.”
“Something like that,” Buffy said. She was grateful that she’d been able to keep her fantasy to herself, then her mind tripped on itself and she remembered another time another place.
“Think I still dream of a crypt for two with a white picket fence.”
Her eyes filled with tears as the past surrounded her. All the times she broke this man’s heart, used him not only sexually but as a punching bag to relieve her frustration with herself and the world. She didn’t deserve his heart or his kindness, but it was hers. She slipped her arms around his waist. He smiled down at her.
“I love you,” she whispered to him.
“Love you, too.”
“Do you still dream?” Buffy asked. He froze as he looked down at her with a puzzled expression on his face. His head was tilted while his brows furrowed over those questioning eyes. “Of us…in a crypt with a white picket fence?”
“You remember?”
“Why wouldn’t I?” She asked, with a smile. She cupped his cheek, loving how he leaned into her palm. They both ignored the crowd that flowed around them. “I remember a lot of things,” she looked down. “Sometimes too many things. Things I wish hadn’t happened. It’s one of the reasons that I changed...to make up for all the times that I was less than kind.”
“When you were a bitch?”
“Yeah,” she laughed. “I was a bitch.” This time she stared straight into those eyes. “Especially to you.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Spike said, turning to start walking. “It wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle.”
“It doesn’t make it right,” Buffy continued, jogging to catch up. She clasped his hand. Thankful when he didn’t pull away from her. She hesitated a moment, afraid of angering him again.
“Let it go, Buffy,” Spike said. “It doesn’t matter now.”
“Doesn’t it?” She pulled him to a stop. “You asked me when I gave up. You wanted to know why I was dead inside. I told you for love, but that wasn’t all it was. I wanted to be someone that I liked. Someone I wasn’t afraid to face in the mirror everyday.”
“You were fine,” Spike replied. “This woman,” he waved his hand in the air around her. “I don’t know who she is. I don’t understand…why you want to be only half alive?”
“I’m not half alive,” Buffy retorted. “There are millions of women out there that don’t have to tear people apart to be around them. That work behind a desk and marry a nice guy and settle down.”
“You’re a bloody slayer,” Spike growled, his eyes flashing amber for a brief moment. He leaned closer to her. “You’re not like other women. You’re the one and yet you fight it so you can be like any other woman in the world. Why do you want to blend in when you can stand out?”
It came back to that. It always did. To be the one. To be the Chosen one meant being alone and she didn’t want to be alone. No one had ever stuck around. Spike coming back had given her hope that maybe there was someone who would be there for her through everything. She shook her head, fighting tears as she fought for her next breath.
“You love her, not me,” Buffy choked out. “You love this image of me that you see in your head, not who I am on the inside. The me that nobody sees. Oh, god, I’ve been such a fool.”
She turned, hurrying to lose him in the swarm of people. All of her doubts and fears crowded in on her. The voices of her friends and family jumbled in her mind, letting her know she was wrong. Only as a slayer did she excel. She wasn’t worthy of being loved. Her last dream was shattering around her as she fought the truth of who she was. Slayers were meant to stand alone. They always had before so why would she be any different?
A hand grabbed her arm; she turned to see Spike with a look of fury on his face. He dragged her toward an alley without giving any consideration for her. She stumbled once but he didn’t stop. Not until they stood in the shadows between two buildings. He pushed her against the wall so hard that her head snapped against the brick. Fighting to hold onto her bearings she felt him leaning into her so that she would have to fight him in order to get away. She didn’t intend to. She waited with eyes closed for him to do what he wanted.
“How dare you say that I don’t love all of you?” He snarled. “I’m the only one that has ever bleedin’ loved you without conditions. You didn’t need to be anything but you for me to be there. Yes, you were a bitch, but I loved you,” he shook her violently. “No matter who were or what you did. So, don’t go all pious on me.”
“Do you love who I am now?” Buffy asked, opening her eyes to find the demon staring at her. “Can you accept who I am now? Or is it that you need the bitch to justify your own insecurity?”
He stumbled back. His hands leaving her as he stared at her in confusion. Apparently she was right. She reached for him but he stepped back.
“I love you, Spike, William…demon or man, it doesn’t matter,” she told him beseechingly, in hopes of reaching him. “Please, love me, too,” she added when he still didn’t say anything.
“How can you love someone you’ve never met?” Spike said. “I’m not the puppy dog that you think I am.”
“I don’t think you are,” Buffy said. “And yes, I’ve seen the demon…remember…?”
“That was the First pulling my strings,” Spike said softly, advancing on her once again. “You’ve never met who I really am.” He took her hands, forcing her against the wall once more, and then lifted their hands to a spot on the wall on either side of her. “The man your precious Angel taught me to be.”
Buffy willed herself not to move. He wouldn’t really hurt her. Try to scare her, yes, but seriously hurt her, no, she trusted him with her life. She stared unblinking into amber eyes that studied her while his body leaned against her, leaving no place for her to go. Not that she wanted to go. She would see this through to whatever conclusion he saw fit.
She willed herself not to move when he nuzzled her neck with a soft caress. Maybe he was just going to let it go. She sighed when his tongue licked a spot on the curve of her neck. Then he pressed against her as she heard an unearthly sound emitting from his throat. A growl, she realized, that signaled the loosening of his hold on the demon. Still she stayed, until it was the feel of his fangs biting into her throat that made her finally react at all.
to be continued…
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