Everybody hurts_3
I sat outside the hospital for an hour and a half, crying and hating her, and myself for not knowing. When my tears had run dry I went home. I packed a bag and called my uncle.
“Hey Uncle Ethan. Could I come stay with you a while?”
“What’s wrong?” He asked.
“I can’t talk about it right now. I can’t…I’m just gonna hop on the next flight over. That be alright?”
“What about your parents? And that Girl of yours?” He asked.
“I…please…” I begged, breaking down again. “I…I can’t…”
“It’s ok son, come on. I’ll be waiting. You take a taxi to my flat. I’ll pay. Just be sure to tell them where you’re going okay? Don’t fancy your father coming here all angry at me…”
“I’ll take care of my Da. Thanks.”
I packed a small bag. I wrote a note to my parents.
Mum, Da
I had to go. I had to leave for a while. I can’t be here right now. Please don’t ask me what this is about. Please don’t ask Buffy either. It’s something between us, if in the future if we both want you to know we’ll tell you. I’ll call from Uncle Ethan’s.
Love Spike.
That was it. That’s all I said. I couldn’t say more, and from the tearstains on the paper, my parents found it in their hearts to let me be. I am thankful for that. I don’t think I could have handled telling them. I don’t think I could now, two years later.
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Jenny came to my house to see me one day. It was about two or three weeks after he left. I’m really not sure, all the days just seemed to blend together. But I know it was before I started Collage.
“Hey sweetie. I noticed you’re…you look like you aren’t eating Buffy. Is there anything I can do?” She asked in that gentle way of hers.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Jenny.” I sobbed wrapping my arms around her. “I…I can’t talk about it…but I hurt him. I…”
“It’s ok sweetie. Everybody hurts sometimes. Maybe you two were just too young. It doesn’t mean we don’t want to see you though. You’re like a daughter to us…we want to know that you’re okay too.”
“I love him so much…Oh god…why…”
“Shhh…” She sat and held me. I cried on her shoulder for I don’t know how long. She cried too as she held me. Finally as my crying started to slow she pulled back and looked into my eyes. “I’m going to leave his number for you okay? If you want to call him, you call. If not…well that’s up to you too…but please…don’t stay away okay?”
I nodded, not even looking at the number she left. I didn’t have the courage to use it just yet.
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I called home about once a week. My parents cried I cried, but they didn’t ask what happened between Buffy and I, and I didn’t tell them. I didn’t ask about how she was, I couldn’t. They never offered any information about her either.
They’d talk about Dawn, and Joyce, and Hank, but neither of them ever mentioned her.
I didn’t call any of my friends. What was I goona say? They wouldn’t understand. None of them. She killed a part of me. A part of us. How could I just let that go? She didn’t even try to talk to me about it. She just did it.
So with no news of her, except for the tearful phone call, I waited. Started going out to clubs, with much prodding from my uncle.
“You have written some amazing music William. Go and share it. Maybe start a band. You can’t sit inside my house and mope all your life.”
So I did. One night I took my guitar to amateur night and preformed one of my songs.
A couple of guys that were there asked me to join their band. I did, without giving it much thought. We played around the clubs in London. My uncle was so proud he came to every show.
After one of the gigs he came back to talk to me.
“Will, you’ve got to stop putting yourself through this. I know you loved her, and I know you’re hurting, but you’ve got to put it in the past where it belongs. You have to move on before it kills you.
That night I met Dru. Drusilla. My dark princess. What I felt for her didn’t even come close to what I felt for Buffy. We lasted three months Dru and I. Until one night, when we were fucking (Yes fucking! I only ever made love to Buffy.) Anyway, one night I called out Buffy’s name. Dru was livid!
“What the fuck is wrong with you? She did this big tragic thing to you that you won’t talk to me about, and it’s her you love. You still love her!” She slapped me across the face.
“Dru. I’m trying. It’s not that easy.” I clenched my jaw against the pain.
“You just have to push her away. Why won’t you push her away?” She asked tears streaking her thick black mascara down her pale face.
“I still love her. I…I think I always will.” I sighed. ‘I’m waiting for her.’
That was one truth I wasn’t ready for yet. And I sure as hell wasn’t ready for anyone else to know it either.
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It was the following February, one full year after her first phone call. I called my parents to tell them my band was recording a song.
“Hi mum. I just wanted to tell you we’re gonna record that single I wrote…”
“That wonderful dear.” Jenny said happily. “Any other news? Are you dating?”
I snorted. “No. No one compares mum. I can’t. I’ve tried…it just won’t work.”
“She…she feels the same way. She’s trying to date a guy from school…”
“I don’t want to hear about it!” I roared.
When my mum said that to me I lost it. I threw the phone against the wall, watching it shatter. My heart was ripped in two knowing she was sharing her life with someone else, while I was going to record a song about how I felt towards her. I wanted to fly back to sunnydale and viciously rip his head from his body one handed.
I don’t think I’ve ever been so angry in all my life. Not even when she told me she’d had an abortion.
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A year and a half after Spike left I started dating Riley. He actually asked me to go to the bronze on Valentines day. He knew all of my friends had dates and didn’t want me to feel left out. It was kind of sweet. No pressure, he’d said. I won’t even try to kiss you if you don’t want me to. How could I refuse?
So, we started dating. Nothing big, but he was such a nice guy. He didn’t push me. He just took me places. Like the Zoo. He took me on picnics. He didn’t try to do anything overly romantic. He was my friend first and knew that I wasn’t ready for any of that.
So we held hands. Kissed a few times, and went places together. He didn’t try to tell me he loved me, more like he was offering me friendship. I could accept that.
Everything was fine until Jenny brought Spike’s band’s new single to my dorm room four months later.
“Hey Buffy. I wanted to drop this off for you. It’s Spike’s new single.”
“He made a single?” I asked incrediously, not even knowing he was in a band.
“Yeah…he wrote it. I…I thought you should hear it…” She said softly.
I nodded. It was all I could do.
When she left I put the tape into my tape player and pushed play.
His soft melodic voice came out over the speakers and I cried.
There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There're secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away...
Maybe I'm just blind...
Maybe I'm just blind...
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone
Love me when I'm gone...
When your education x-ray
Can not see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my friends
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone
Maybe I'm just blind...
Love me when I'm gone...
Love me when I'm gone
When I'm Gone
When I'm Gone
When I'm Gone
I picked up the phone and dialed the familiar number.
“Hello?” He answered. I choked.
“Spike?”
“Buffy?”
“I heard your song.” I whispered.
“Did you now?” He asked. He sounded angry. Really angry.
“Spike I…”
“You and your new boy like it?” He growled. I was shocked. He was angry that I was dating Riley? What a joke. We weren’t even really dating.
“Yeah well…I’ve got to go Buffy…my girl…one I wrote the song for…she’s here…” I could hear the pain in his voice.
“Oh…I…Sorry I called and interrupted you.” I said softly. I hated the sorrow and regret in my voice. I hated that there were tears in my voice, choking me. I hated that he had a new girl. I hated that he hadn’t asked me to love him while he was gone.
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I sent the song to my mum. Don’t know why. I guess cause she’s my mum and I knew she’d be proud. I didn’t think she’d take it to Buffy.
I was shocked when she called. As soon as I heard her voice it brought back what my mum had said about her moving on. White-hot anger flashed through my veins and I wanted to lash out. I asked her if her and her new boy liked it.
Told her the girl I wrote the song for was here and I had to go. I didn’t mention the girl was her, and that she was here, on the phone. I also didn’t mention the fact that I had to go before I broke down and confessed how much I loved her and begged her to take me back.
I coulddn’t do that to her, not knowing she was finally moving on. It hurt to know she found someone new when I couldn’t, but I didn’t want to ruin something that was making her happy, no mater how much it was destroying me.
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A couple of months later, I called him because I needed him. I knew I couldn’t get through the heartbreak without him. I knew it. I needed him. Spike. I dialed with shaking hands, from the hospital, blood still drying on my shirt.
“Hello?”
“Spike.” I couldn’t have kept the tears out of my voice if I’d wanted to. “I…I need you. Can you come home?”
“I’ll be on the next flight.” He said softly.
“I…my dad…he was…he…there’s so much blood Spike…I…”
“It’s ok baby. Where are you?”
“I’m at the hospital.” I choked back a sob. “But I’m going home. They’re making me…your mom’s gonna drive me.”
“Ok baby. Just go home and stay put…I’ll be ther I promise.”
“And S..Spike?”
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“Yes?” I wanted to call her luv. I wanted to tell her that I loved her and that everything would be okay, but it wasn’t my place. She’d moved on.
“Please…don’t bring her…the girl you wrote the song for…I couldn’t take it right now…not on top of everything else.”
I sighed. “There was never anyone but you Buffy. No one could hold a candle to you. That song…everything….everything I’ve written is for you or about you luv.” I felt tears come to my eyes at the admission. But she needed to know. I never stopped loving her, even when I’d convinced myself I hated her.
“You just hold on now luv. I’m on my way.”
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TBC…
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