A/N: Just to say thanks you for the reviews! =)
Chapter 11
They say love comes in all kinds of forms, sometimes we don’t even understand why we feel the way we do. Sometimes we don’t understand why we do the things we do when we feel this way. But is it really love? Or is it just mere infatuation… obsession… needing something and going for it.
“Morning…”
“Morning…” William smiled as he took Buffy’s hand and ushered her to sit next to him.
“What are you doing up so early?”
“Couldn’t sleep,” he replied as he sipped on his cup of coffee.
William had been up since dawn thinking about what had happened last night. They had kissed… more precisely he had kissed her. She had reciprocated his feelings… or rather his actions and he was more than glad about that. He definitely didn’t know what he would have done if she would have pushed him away. Soon kissing lead to other things and before it went into things they would both or rather she would regret in the morning, she had told him goodnight, saying that she had a nice time and needed rest. He had felt hurt by her somewhat rejection of him but she had consoled him by saying that they would talk about ‘this’, as she pointed between the two of them, tomorrow.
That had done it for him, he couldn’t get to sleep willing the sun to rise so that he might get to talk to her. He didn’t know when he started to feel this way, he didn’t even know when he first got attracted to her, all he knew was that he wanted her. Wanted her to be his, wanted to spend every moment with her. It had crossed his mind that maybe it was because he thought she would make a lovely mother for her daughter but that was soon dismissed when he saw her the other night in his arms. It felt good… like they fit… it felt right.
He pondered if it were wrong to be into another woman when the woman he swore he’d love for the rest of his days just died, would Dru be upset about how easily he have moved on after her… that thought was out the door when they kissed… but that didn’t mean it still didn’t bother his mind until today.
“Couldn’t take my mind off you,” William placed his finger under her chin and turned her face towards him as he said those words. Wanting her to know that he really meant it and wasn’t just another line that men have used a million times.
Flushed, Buffy tried to avert her eyes to the scenery outside.
Ever since she was a little she had always known what she had wanted and didn’t stop at anything to have what she wants. But right now, she’s having second thoughts. Second thoughts about doing anything with this man right beside her. A man she had once thought was a downright cruel man but now… she was thinking about having something more with him, more than an employee-employer relationship. She didn’t know what she was supposed to do; she didn’t know what she wanted to do. All she knew was that she felt something last night… she just didn’t know what it was.
“So…”
“So..” William echoed as he looked her way, “What are we, Buffy?” Buffy averted his gaze yet again mostly because she didn’t know how to answer the question. “Buffy…”
“I don’t know…” came her whispered reply.
“What do you want us to be?” Buffy finally let their eyes meet for the first time. She tried to open her mouth to say something and then the back door creaked open, causing Buffy to rise immediately from her position and quickly walked over to the other side of the kitchen busying herself with something as Joyce walked into the room.
“Buffy, what are you doing up so early?” She had asked as she heated a pot up for tea.
“Just wanted to get a head start just in case Prue wakes up early.” Buffy replied quite calmly as she sat on the island counter away from William.
“How about you, Will, dear?” Joyce asked as she saw William for the first time sitting on the breakfast nook all alone deep in thought.
“Couldn’t sleep, got myself a cuppa,” he replied as he raised his mug up to prove his words then went out of the room knowing that there would be nothing more said.
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He walked into his office, not really in the mood for anything. The drapes were closed shut, darkness engulfing the room. He walked over to the mantel, setting his empty cup on top, he then noticed a frame turned over. He couldn’t remember if he had left it like that or if maybe Joyce had been here cleaning and had knocked it over. Either way he picked it up and found himself holding the portrait of his wife. He traced the glass of the picture frame trying to remember what it was like to hold her, be with her, to love and be loved.
“To us.” Spike raised his glass as it clicked with another and he and Drusilla shared a kiss before drinking the contents of their glass down. They sat under the moonlight Drusilla enveloped in Spike’s arm. He knew how much she loved the water and she had very much enjoyed it when he took her to these trips out in the sea at night where they could be alone. He had especially picked this place because he wanted this night to be memorable for both of them.
“Spike?”
“Yes, my love?” he asked as he placed a kiss in top of her head, seeing her look up into the skies a thought seemingly bugging her mind. “What are you thinking?”
“The lighthouse.”
“The lighthouse?” she nodded her head in answer, “What’s so special about it?”
“I was just wondering… how important it is… you know?” Spike brows furrowed, he couldn’t quite understand what Drusilla was rambling on about. “You never know how important something is unless the times comes when you actually need it… do you understand me?” She turned her head back to him trying to see if she had understood what she had been trying to say.
Spike had shook his head to the negative and she had simply smiled up at him letting her hand caress his cheek.
“You’re not perfect.” She told him and Spike was trying really hard to find the good of what she had meant by that. “I know that…But I don’t need perfect. My parents may never approve of you but that doesn’t matter because I know what I want… and that’s you.”
Spike smiled at her not knowing how to respond how to react to what this goddess before him just said.
“Do you know how lucky I feel to have you in my life, William?”
“I’m the-“ Spike tried to interrupt but she had placed a finger on his lips to silence him.
“Shh… No man has ever made me feel this secure about myself, made me feel like I matter, made me feel… so loved and that’s more than enough for me.” She finished her monologue water welling up in her eyes.
“I love you...” Spike felt compelled to tell her as he wiped the tears that started to fall. “I didn’t, well actually I did...” he shook his head to clear his head, “Dru, pet… I need to tell you something.”
“Yeah?”
“I love you… you know that right?” He looked into her eyes for confirmation and she nodded her head in response. “I’m not perfect-you stressed on that well enough,” he tried to make a joke but she wasn’t laughing along with him instead she was waiting for him to continue. “But I’m willing to give up everything for you… try to be perfect and maybe if you’d allow me, I can work on that being perfect thing for the rest of my life… with you.” Drusilla tried to made sense of what he was saying but everything just seem to be pointing her to one direction and at that moment she couldn’t really believe it was happening. “Would you do me the honors of being my wife, my love?” and just as he said those words a diamond ring was right in front her telling her to take this man and spend the rest of their days together.
“Yes… of course!” Spike breathed a sigh of relief at hearing that as he seized her in a hug and kissed her as she slipped the ring on her finger. “I love you,” she heard him say as she flipped the ring over reading the inscription at the back, ‘forever and a day.’
“Forever and a day…” William whispered as he sat himself in one of the couches. “I miss you so much, Dru… Why’d you have to go away…” He closed his eyes as he held the image close to him. He’s so confused right now; words can’t begin to describe how confused he is. He claims to like another woman but still loves his wife. He wants to pursue something with Buffy yet he can’t let go of his past love. He wants a fresh start but he can’t because something is pulling him back. “Why can’t things just stay the way they ought to be?”
“Because it’s life.”
“What?” he asked out loud hearing a respond to his whispered question. He shook his head from the daze just as there was a knock on the door. He fixed himself up and placed the picture back on the mantle before calling for the person to come in.
“Umm…William. Joyce prepared you something,” Buffy came in tray in hand as she approached the sitting area and placed it on the coffee table. “Breakfast, just in case you’re hungry.” Buffy looked up but William didn’t seem to be paying any attention to her, “I’ll just be leaving then…”
“Buffy.”
“Yeah?”
“I need to talk to you about something, luv.”
“I’m not really in the mood to talk right now,” she replied knowing pretty well what kind of talk William was referring too. She didn’t understand why he had to make something big about just one little kiss. It was nice and all but she knows nothing can ever happen between the two of them. Not in the way she thought anyway. He was just probably just sad, missing Drusilla and seeking solace. She didn’t need that right now. She promised herself she wouldn’t get attached and if he kept insisting on things she didn’t know what’s gonna become on her.
“Buffy,” he held on to her shoulder, not making her take another step, “Please, I just want to talk.” She nodded her head in response as she let him usher her to the sitting area.
Silence feel as neither moved nor said a word.
“I thought you wanted to talk?”
“I did- I mean, I do,” William breathed out as he took a cup of coffee from the tray and drank it straight.
“So talk,” Buffy urge him on as she sat on the opposite side of him, hands on her lap.
William cleared his throat, set the cup down then cleared his throat yet again as if he was trying to buy time. Buffy was simply looking up at him waiting for him to speak up. “About last night… the kiss-“
Buffy interrupted before he could say anything more, “I know, it didn’t mean anything. You don’t have to explain.”
“Didn’t mean anything,” he echoed and couldn’t help but feel that it didn’t sound right. “Didn’t mean anything,” he said it again but more firmly this time. “Do you know I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about you? I couldn’t get you off my bloody mind. You’re all I bloody think about! Dream about.”
“Now I know you’re overreacting…”
William narrowed his eyes up at her and she just raised her eyebrow in response. “Okay… maybe not all the time but I couldn’t get you off my mind last night and that’s got to mean something right?”
“Yeah, it’s called loneliness.” William tilted his head as she continued, “You’re just lonely, that’s how you get this delusions that it meant more that it really did.”
“Don’t psychoanalyze me. I know what I feel and there was something there... You can’t deny that.”
“Yeah, there was solace, nothing else.”
“You didn’t feel anything?” he said in a voice so low as if he was pleading that she’d say she did.
“That’s not the point.”
“Of course that’s the point. You say I’m being lonely that’s why I have this images in my mind, then you answer me. Was there something there? Did you feel anything, luv? A tiny crumb maybe… the slightest smudge of anything real.” She looked at him from underneath her lashes her head bent down. “Then give me the chance you at least try to see if there might me something there. That’s all I ask.”
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October 5, 1996
Forever and a day, he said. As I look at the ring right now in my finger… it doesn’t feel like it’s gonna be forever. Do you know that feeling when you just know that some things are just not meant to last forever? It’s not that he does not love me, I know he does and I love him just as much it’s just the feeling at the pit of your stomach that you’re not enough for someone. I know he’d never admit it but I think he knows it just as well too. Someone’s gonna come around and he might feel a great attachment to her but he’ll never leave me. He’s noble that way, that’s why I love him so god damn much! He’d never leave me that I know for sure but even if I know that deep down inside it’s like I’m the one that’s holding him back from being happy. Forever? I doubt it.
Dried drops of water could be seen marring the old diary.
to be continued...
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