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AN: alright people, here's another chappy!
thanks to Allison for betaing this chapter and making me feel good about my work ;) Luv you!

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Chapter 17: Digging up the past

Spike was sitting on his bed, looking at the box that held all the answers next to him. He knew that it would explain a lot about Buffy, but he didn’t know if he wanted to know all about her past.

‘But if I do, maybe I can help her. She’s not alone in this- I just need her to see that,’ he thought to himself. And with that said, he grabbed the box and opened it.

Inside the box was a smaller box, so he opened it and saw a couple of tapes. ‘This is it, mate.’

He grabbed a tape and walked towards his CD player. He put the tape into the recorder and sat back down on his bed before grabbing the remote and pushing the play-button.

He turned up the sound until he heard his uncle talking.

”So, Buffy. Tell me what you did today,” he heard his uncle say.

“Nothing really, Giles. I just did some homework, cleaned a little bit, and wrote some stuff in my diary like you said,” Buffy told Giles on the tape.

“What did you write?”

Buffy gave him the diary, hoping that she wouldn’t have to tell the story. She knew she could trust Giles, and she also knew that talking about it made her feel better. But she hated to dig up the past. She wanted to move on, not look back.

Giles shook his head. “No, Buffy, I want you to tell me. Please tell me?” Giles asked her. Buffy looked at him with her big, sad eyes. “You can also read it to me if that would be better.”

Spike heard Buffy sigh.

“Alright. Uhm... Dear diary,
I know it’s been a while, but Giles told me that it was better for me to write about what happened. I think I should start from the beginning then.

It all happened when I first went to my new school in L.A. I made a lot of news friends there. My best friends were Carrie, Eliza, and Jack. We did everything together; shopping, homework, talk about boys. Well, me and the girls talked about boys. I remember my first real boyfriend. His name was Ford, and I really loved him, and he loved me, too. I thought that we were going to live happily ever after. But that only happens in fairy tales. The thing is, he did what every other man has done to me- he left, in one way or another. I remember, it was on a Thursday, somewhere in the afternoon. We were walking home, and he told me that he had to pick up some stuff from a friend. I asked him if I should go with him, but he kissed me and told me that I would see him that night. We planned a little movie night, just the two of us. At his house, of course- my father would’ve never let him in the house. He didn’t like Ford at all- he said that he was a piece of shit and that we were perfect for each other.

Back to Ford. After he kissed me and told me to go home, I walked towards my house, away from him. I heard him yelling something, so I turned around. I was standing across the street, looking at him. He yelled at me that he loved me, and I smiled, yelling back that I loved him, too. I thought he was standing too far away, and something told me that I should bring him with me and keep him safe, but I dismissed the thought, thinking that I was just missing him. But that turned out wrong...

A car came by and the windows were open. Before I knew it, my boyfriend was lying on the ground, blood all around him. I can’t even remember the gunshots. Everything happened so fast.
I ran to him and kneeled next to him. I remember looking at him, crying so hard that I almost couldn’t see him anymore.”

Spike could hear Buffy crying, and it broke his heart. A part of him was jealous of the guy, but his heart was breaking for his girl.

“I looked at him and told him that he shouldn’t be scared, that everything was going to be alright. And he smiled, saying that he wasn’t scared, that he was with me, and that was all he wanted. He brought my hand to his lips and kissed it, saying he loved me before he closed his eyes. I wanted him to be safe, so I laid down next to him, his arms around me. The ambulance and cops found us this way. Some neighbor must have called them- I didn’t know. They had to use 4 men to get me away from Ford- I didn’t want him to be without me. I didn’t want him to be scared.

The police brought me home, and my mom and I sat on my bed and cried all night long.

Four weeks later, my mom and dad divorced. It all went so fast for me- I wasn’t even paying attention to anyone anymore. I could only think of Ford, his face when he said that he wasn’t scared.

My friends and I brought flowers to Ford’s grave every Friday, and we would talk to him, crying together.

Then three weeks later, we moved to Sunnydale. And when we lived there for three months, I heard that Ford’s death was a mistake. They thought he was someone else, some gangmember.
The murderers were killed a couple of weeks later, I think by some other gang, and I cried for that. I was crying tears of joy because the murderers of my boyfriend got what they deserved... Does that make me bad? Being happy that someone is dead? Sometimes I think so, but then sometimes, I think I was being happy that justice was served.”

Spike heard the click of the tape, indicating that that was it. His eyes were red from crying. He didn’t understand everything now, but he understood more. And that was enough, for now...




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AN: thanks to Bint, Carri, Allison, Caitie, BuffyandSpikeForever, Gypsi_jin, Phoenix and Seraiza for reviewing, you guys make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside ;)

Don't forget to review for this chapter!

~ Spikegirl





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