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Author's Chapter Notes:
This chapter was greatly inspired by Saber’s story- “Please Don’t Go”. It’s an excellent story, so make sure you read it, if you haven’t yet!
Chapter 18 - Undoing the Damage



“How are you feeling, Buffy?”

Looking up at her therapist Dr. Holden Webster, Buffy felt her heart racing in her chest. “I don’t want to be here,” she said softly.

“That’s understandable. Most people don’t want to be here. Do you understand why you’re here?”

“Yeah,” Buffy said slowly. “Dr. Webster-”

“Call me Holden,” he said with a gentle smile. “I like all my patients to be comfortable with me. Or you can call me Webs. That was my nickname in high school.”

“I think I’ll stick with Holden,” she said with a nod.

“Good. Now tell me why you’re here.”

Pausing and catching her breath after a moment, she finally felt a moderate amount of strength to begin. “Because my boyfriend…ex…my ex-boyfriend was…hurting me.”

Knowing most of the information from reading her file, Holden merely nodded, encouraging her to talk.

“I-I wanted to leave and…I wasn’t strong enough,” she whispered.

“And he forced you to do things against your will?”

Feeling the tears spring to her eyes, Buffy grabbed the edges of the couch, trying to control her breathing. “Spike,” she whispered. “Can Spike please come in here?”

Holden nodded before getting up and walking out to the waiting room, returning a moment later with Spike, who immediately ran over to Buffy and tenderly cupped her face in his hands. “You alright?”

“I am now,” she said softly, her voice filled with relief.

Sitting down next to her, Spike pulled her close, holding her hand tightly in his and offering his silent support.

“Can you tell me about the first time, Buffy?” Holden asked. “Because if you don’t feel comfortable…”

Swallowing hard, Buffy grasped at the man who had turned into her lifeline, looking over at him and feeling relief at the support she saw in his gaze before turning back to Holden.

“W-we had a date and we went back to Par…his room. It was…nice…I guess would be the word,” she whispered, feeling ashamed as she avoided both men in the room.

“And after that?”

“I-I didn’t really know how it worked…I sought him out,” she said in a choked voice. “I asked him for another chance and he…it didn’t start right away,” she finished in a whisper.

“The abuse?”

Flinching at the term, Buffy nodded.

“How did it start?”

“We were…we were arguing and he…hit me.” She could feel the tension in everyone as she continued. “I left. I always told myself that I wouldn’t be that girl. That I wouldn’t put myself in that type of situation.”

“But he got you to give him a second chance.”

“Yeah,” Buffy murmured, fighting the tears in her eyes. “Everything was okay for a while and then it happened again. H-he didn’t just threaten me- he told me he’d hurt my mom or my friends if I didn’t do what he said.”

“And what was that?” Holden asked softly.

“Anything,” she whispered, closing her eyes. “I had to stay quiet about the…pain that he was causing me and I had to…”

Trying to keep her mind from shutting down against the horrible images, Buffy took a deep breath.

“…I had to…perform…whatever he wanted.”

Feeling Spike flinch as he sat next to her, Buffy practically jerked her hand out of his grasp. She could see him seeking her out again, but she was already retreating into herself, only believing that he wanted to pretend it was okay, when it really wasn’t.

‘He thinks you’re disgusting,’ she thought, turning away from him a little bit and running her hands through her hair.

“What are you thinking, Buffy?” Holden asked.

“It’s not important,” she whispered, letting her hands fist in her hair.

“Why?”

“Why…what?” she asked, suddenly unsure of this entire situation.

“Why do you think your thoughts aren’t important?”

“Because they’re not,” she said softly.

“Is that what Parker told you?”

Buffy looked down, nervously running her hands along her pants as she took a deep breath. “Parker told me a lot of things,” she murmured.

“Such as?”

“I…I can’t,” she choked out, feeling the sobs that ran through her, shaking her shoulders as she covered her face with her hands, trying to control her tears. Feeling Spike move closer, Buffy pushed all her thoughts aside and didn’t hesitate to lean into him when his strong arms encircled her small body, pulling her against him and stroking her hair as she cried.

Finally letting herself calm down, Buffy took several deep breaths to calm her nerves before sitting up and turning toward Holden. “I’m sorry,” she mumbled.

“Nothing to be sorry about,” he replied with an easy smile. “Are you okay?” Seeing her tentative nod, Holden continued, “Can you tell me about the other night.”

Nervously tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, Buffy tried to control the trembling that was running through her body. “I was in my room,” she began in a whisper, trying to find the strength to go on as the memories assaulted her from every direction. She shied away from Spike at the mention of Parker’s name, not even wanting to associate the two of them through simple words. “I…wasn’t doing anything. There was a knock on the door and...”

“Take your time, Buffy,” Holden said softly.

“H-he came back and…and I wasn’t expecting him…I didn’t know it was him,” she continued in a choked voice as tears clouded her vision. “He asked me…”

Taking a deep breath, Buffy closed her eyes for a moment, trying to keep her emotions under control.

“He figured out that I wasn’t waiting for him,” she whispered, the misery rolling off of her in waves.

“How did he figure this out?” Holden asked, knowing what she was talking about.

Shooting a nervous glance at Spike before looking at the doctor, Buffy took a deep breath. “Because I opened the door, thinking that he was someone else…and he knew.”

Spike felt as if his heart stopped when he caught the look she sent his way. The fearful gaze spoke volumes- wanting to hide the fact that she had been waiting for him and that was what made Parker so mad he had taken it out on her. Guilt shot through him at the idea that because of him, she had to suffer.

‘If I had just gone over there earlier…this never would have happened to her. It’s all my fault.’

Buffy could feel every muscle go on edge as Spike realized what she was saying. His body was so rigid, she felt the need to move away from him, sitting in the corner of the couch as he tried to come to terms with what he’d learned.

“And what happened after that, Buffy?”

Turning her attention back to the therapist, she took a deep breath. “He…he told me that I would remember who I belonged to. That no one would ever want me.”

Leaning back in his chair, Holden seemed to be contemplating something for a moment as he looked at his desk. “Do you consider what he did to you to be rape?”

Wrapping her arms around her body in an effort to ward off the chill that was spreading through her, she shrugged.

“Is that a yes?” he asked softly.

“I considered it to be normal,” she murmured.

“What do you mean?”

“He just…he always took what he wanted. Whether it was to take out his aggression or frustration or…or anything else. He was more violent the last time, but…but it really wasn’t out of the ordinary.”

“Did he use sex to control you?”

“I don’t know,” she whispered after a moment. “That was always for him. Never for me.”

“Never for you?”

Spike was watching her, surprise written all over his face.

“It just…it was never about me.”

* * * * *

Walking out into the waiting room, Buffy hugged her arms around her waist, thankful for Spike’s support but wondering if it was too much for him to absorb. Turning toward the door that led to the hallway, she jumped when she felt his arms encircle her waist. “You okay?” he whispered.

“I’m glad you’re here.”

Letting his lips brush over her shoulder, Buffy finally relaxed against his touch, hearing his comforting voice behind her, “Me too.”



Thanks so much to: Seraiza, PK_, Reciprocity, melissa g, Caitie, Amanda, gypsy_jin, Franchesca, jade2099, willowmouse, BuffyRat, BuffyandSpikeForever, lindsay, baby spikes, Crystal Pegasus, Sevvy_O, & phantomwriter for reviewing!





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