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Chapter 19 – Feeling Broken


Walking into the house, Spike suppressed a sigh when Buffy immediately began walking up the stairs, obviously feeling uncomfortable and wanting to be alone for a while.

“How did it go?”

Turning to his right, he saw Angel and Faith watching Buffy with identical somber expressions. He knew that they probably matched his own.

“She’s working through a lot,” he murmured, turning his gaze back to the stairs and barely catching a glimpse of her as she rounded the corner. “It’s going to take some time, but she’s getting there.”

“Maybe you should go check on her,” Faith said, gesturing toward the stairs.

“I think she’d rather be alone,” Spike said softly.

“I think that’s just a cover. Trust me, when girls give off one vibe, they’re actually screaming at you to do the opposite. Go check on her, Spike.”

Wanting nothing more than to walk up there and take Buffy in his arms, he finally gave in. Making his way to the second floor, Spike turned the corner and relaxed a little bit when he saw his door was slightly ajar.

Walking through and closing it behind him, he passed through the small sitting room and into his bedroom. Seeing Buffy curled up on his bed and looking so tiny, he wanted nothing more than to take her into his arms and soothe away everything until she had no worries.

He saw her shoulders tense when he slowly sat down on the bed, letting the soft mattress shift under his weight. Not wanting to startle her, he gently ran his hand along her lower back, rubbing in small circles until he felt her muscles slowly give way under his touch. Hearing the breathy sigh escape her lips, he took it as a sign that he could move a little farther.

Laying down next to her, he let his hand put a little more pressure on her back, smiling at the nearly inaudible moan. Moving upward, he gently massaged the knots from her shoulders, feeling a moderate sense of satisfaction when she leaned more heavily against his touch.

Lowering his hands once again, he wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him, careful to avoid letting her come in contact with his erection.

‘Can’t even touch her without getting hard,’ he thought, still trying to keep her relaxed as he traced small patterns along her stomach.

“Spike?”

Hearing her soft voice enter his subconscious, Spike’s movements stopped for a brief moment before he continued. Nuzzling her neck for a moment and gently kissing the line of her shoulder, he moved upward until he kissed the sensitive skin behind her ear.

“Yeah, luv?” he breathed, feeling a small shiver run through her.

Waiting for a moment, Spike frowned when she didn’t say anything. Slowly turning her over, he was surprised when he felt her soft lips on his. Feeling her body meld to his, he frantically tried to think of a reason why this was wrong. A moment later, his eyes rolled back when her hands ran up his arms to settle on the back of his neck while her lower body pushed against his.

‘That’s why,’ the warning voice in his head suddenly screamed at him.

Slowly pulling his lips away from hers, Spike moved his body away a little bit at a time until they were only connected by their hands.

“Did I do something wrong?” she asked, looking at him with pure fear in her eyes.

Feeling his chest constrict as he witnessed even more of the damage that Parker had caused, Spike shook his head. “No, sweetheart,” he whispered, cupping her face in his hand and letting his thumb gently brush along her cheek. “You did everything a little too right, and that’s why I needed to stop.”

Expecting to see a hint of a smile on her face, Spike was surprised when she bit her lip and avoided his gaze.

“What’s wrong, Buffy?”

“Am I too messed up?” she whispered, not raising her eyes to his.

Spike hooked a finger under her chin and restrained the anger that filled him when she turned her head so that he wouldn’t tilt her eyes toward his. Of course, the anger was, once again, directed at Parker.

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “You just need some time. You’re healing and you’ll keep seeing the therapist, and eventually, you’ll feel as good as new.”

“No,” she replied, shaking her head. “I’ll never be as good as new.”

“Why?” Spike asked, silently willing her to look at him.

“Because I feel too broken,” she murmured, finally raising her eyes to his.

Seeing the tears that were shining in them, begging for release, Spike pulled her to him. Swallowing the lump in his throat after a moment, he pressed a kiss to her forehead, letting his hands gently run through her long hair, holding her close to him.

“You’re not broken,” he said softly, pulling back to look into her eyes again, slightly relieved that the tears seemed to have subsided for the moment.

Both stayed quiet for several long minutes, simply enjoying the simple act of being so close to the other.

Spike felt a smile pull on his lips when her hand began rubbing circles on his stomach, much the same way his had been minutes before. He watched her eyes as she studied the black t-shirt he was wearing. He could see the soft smile that was threatening to form as her fingertips traced the line of his abdomen, through the thin material.

The ticklish sensations almost had him laughing, but the softness in her eyes kept him grounded as he watched her.

Her hand slowly moved downward, running along the flat expanse of his stomach. Her face seemed to take on a more serious expression that had Spike arching an eyebrow.

Feeling her hand travel even lower after a moment, he sharply inhaled when her fingertips brush along his belt buckle. Knowing that he wouldn’t be in control much longer, Spike intervened.

“Don’t,” he whispered, shaking his head and catching her hand in his, intertwining their fingers together.

Seeing the crestfallen look on her face and the slight quivering of her chin, he felt like an ass but knew that he would have to be firm to make her realize that he wasn’t after her for one thing.

“Buffy, I’m not here with you to see what I can get out of you,” he said softly.

“All the more reason to give it to you, right?” she murmured, avoiding his gaze.

“No,” he whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead and relaxing when she looked into his eyes again. Shaking his head to re-emphasize his point. “No.”

“I’m sorry,” she said in a choked voice. “I shouldn’t just keep assuming that you want to be with me-”

Cutting her off with a passionate kiss, Spike let his lips claim hers, not wanting to hear anymore of the doubts that Parker had put into her mind. Breaking away breathlessly after a moment, he shook his head.

“I want to be with you,” he murmured against her lips, rolling them so he could have a little more control. “God, do I want to be with you, but we need to wait until this is right.”

“When is that?”

“When it’s what we both want,” he replied. “And not because it’s what you think I need from you.”





Thanks so much to: Reciprocity, lindsay, spufette, Caitie, melissa g, Crystal Pegasus, Jess, Tasha, BuffyandSpikeForever, gypsy_jin, willowmouse, Lyns, Amanda, BuffyRat, Seraiza, Mariana & Sevvy_O for reviewing!





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