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Chapter 14 – Wanting to be Wanted


Spike was practically growling as he walked toward the Bronze. It had been a week since he’d seen Buffy, and when he finally got the nerve to stop by her house and talk to her, Willow had informed him that she’d barely been home over the past week, simply stopping by to change clothes before leaving again. Completely ignoring Willow and Tara and evading Giles when he stopped by to see what was wrong.

‘She’s uncontrollable.’

This time, Spike did growl as Willow’s voice filled his head.

‘Something’s wrong and she won’t talk to anyone. She’s angry all the time and we don’t know where she goes or what she’s doing.’

Storming through the alley, he had just reached the door when the familiar scent of honeysuckle floated toward him, along with a sense of power that always seemed to accompany it. He knew that scent better than any other. It was permeated through his brain, making him always be away of her presence.

Barely turning his head to look over his shoulder, he gritted his teeth when he heard her soft voice drift toward him. Letting go of the door handle, he walked toward the shadows, feeling rage rush through him when he saw Buffy pressed against the side of the building by another man as his lips practically attacked her neck. Her eyes closed- whether it be in pleasure or restraint from pushing him away, he didn’t know, but she didn’t look like she was enjoying herself.

Spike didn’t mark her neck, but it still didn’t stop the possessive feelings to take control or the word that repeatedly flashed in his mind.

Mine.

Feeling the urge to torture someone for the first time in years, Spike noticed as one of the man’s hands steadily slipped under her shirt and climbed higher while the other hand began reaching for the hem of her skirt.

Stalking toward the couple, Spike brutally grabbed the man by his neck with a ferocious roar, barely resisting the urge to snap it like a twig as he tossed him against the wall. Feeling moderately satisfied when he slid down the wall in an unconscious heap, he slowly turned his gaze toward Buffy. Mildly surprised to see her angry expression, he breathed heavily, trying to resist the urge to beat some sense into her.

“What…the hell…are you doing?” she asked in a low voice, her eyes flashing as she stared at him.

“Watching out for you,” he said in a low voice, narrowing his eyes as he advanced on her as if he was a predator. Except he wasn’t the only one.

Taken by surprise when her fist connected with his nose, Spike restrained himself from returning the favor, already ashamed for his out of control behavior the other night. He refused to hit her again.

“So what’s the plan?” she asked angrily. “You don’t want me, but no one else can have me either?”

“I never said I didn’t want you,” he replied, his tone softening as he looked at her.

“It doesn’t change the facts, Spike,” she spat out at him angrily. “I’m not going to stop enjoying myself just because of what happened between us.”

‘Liar,’ her inner voice told her as Spike’s expression went from hurt to angry. She didn’t even want to be here, and she sure as hell wasn’t ready to move on, but she couldn’t go to Spike’s and she couldn’t go home and…she really shouldn’t have accepted the drink from the other man, further lowering her damaged inhibitions.

She knew it wasn’t the right thing to do, but…someone had wanted her. He had wanted her, and in her dejected state of mind, it felt good to be wanted. Even if it wasn’t by the right man. Even if it was just for a few moments, because in those moments, she could pretend he was someone else. Someone who clearly didn’t want her.

“I’m taking you home,” Spike finally said, reaching for her and frowning when she evaded his touch, stepping out of his reach.

“Take yourself home,” she said angrily, walking away from him. She didn’t know whether to be happy or hurt that he didn’t follow her.

* * * * *

Cutting through the cemetery on her way home, Buffy rolled her eyes when she felt an unfamiliar vampire presence make itself known. Spike’s signature was practically burned through her, letting her know when he was close, but this feeling definitely wasn’t familiar. Turning around to face the idiot who was stupid enough to cross her path tonight of all nights, her jaw tightened when she saw the group of six vampires behind her.

“You shouldn’t be here, Slayer,” one growled in her direction.

“I’m not the Slayer,” Buffy said through gritted teeth.

“You kill our kind. That makes you a Slayer in our book.”

“Yeah, well I’m not. I’m just a girl who’s able to kick your ass before you’re dust in the wind. Any takers?” she asked, holding her arms out beside her as she looked around the large group, refusing to let the tremor of fear she was feeling let itself be known as a chill crept up her spine.

Seeing the leader and two other vampires step forward, a stake practically materialized in her hand. Buffy immediately launched into her attack, staking one of the fledglings and battling the other two, sensing that the others were eager to jump in as well.

Hearing a roar behind her, Buffy flinched and did a quick flip along the grass, taking out another vampire as she stood up, surprised to see Spike fighting with the ones left over.

“Should have known you would have reinforcements, Slayer.”

“I told you,” she said through gritted teeth, landing a solid hit to the leader’s jaw. “I’m not the Slayer!”

Seeing the vampire explode into dust, she breathed heavily when it cleared, revealing Spike on the other side, clenching his jaw as he tried to control his anger.

Glaring at him for a moment, Buffy turned on her heel and began walking away. Turning to follow, Spike stalked after her through the dusty remains of the half dozen vamps that had dared to take her away from him.

“I’m not done with you!” he yelled.

“Well, that’s just too damn bad!” she cried, stopping a few yards away and spinning around to face him, her hair flying around her shoulders with the momentum. “You’ve done all you’re going to do to me!”

Ignoring the pain and regret that flowed through him, Spike closed the distance between them and grabbing her forcefully by the arms, holding her firmly in place. Seeing the stubborn look on her face and trying to ignore the throbbing in his jeans, he gritted his teeth to suppress his desires. “Do you think you can just voluntarily decide you have a death wish?” he asked angrily. “Do you think you can just say, ‘I’m finished- to hell with destiny, to hell with who I am’? You don’t have it in you to be taken out by a vampire. It’s not who you are- it’s not what a Slayer is!”

Realizing a moment too late that he’d said the wrong thing, Spike briefly saw her chin quiver as she broke his hold and slammed her fist into his nose- again.

“I’m not the fucking Slayer!” she screamed as tears slipped down her cheeks, making his heart ache to take her in his arms. “Don’t you get that?! Maybe if I was one, you’d give me the time of day rather than treating me like a bratty kid sister or a girl to be fucked!”

“Buffy, I never-”

“And don’t even try and talk your way out of it. It was a mistake, remember?” she spat out, looking at him contemptuously as she threw his words back at him. “I’m too young! You’re so afraid of who you are or who you can allow yourself to be that you don’t even stop to think about what you could have.”

“I’m a vampire,” he said softly, trying to make her understand. “It’s not exactly written in the stars that demons get a happily ever after. It’s all about violence and death.”

“You’re such an idiot,” Buffy said, shaking her head and ignoring the tears that were falling freely. “Don’t you get it? Vampires may represent death to everyone else, but for me they mean life! Can’t you understand that?! They’re life…eternally. That’s what I was given by two of them and that’s what I’ve grown up with. Life and pain- that’s all I know and that’s all I’ll ever know as long as I stay around here!”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Spike asked in a softer tone, loosely grabbing her arm as she tried to walk away, tightening his grip when she moved to pull away from him.

“Let me go,” she said, struggling to break his hold on her.

“Not until you talk to me.”

“Fine, you want to know?” Buffy challenged, standing up straight to look into his eyes. “You’ll never have to see this mistake again!”

“What the bloody hell are you going on about?”

“I’m leaving. I’m getting out of here- away from this Godforsaken town and most of all, away from you!”

“Buffy-”

“Get your hands off me!” she screamed, renewing her struggle as he tried to pull her close, wanting nothing more than to fall in his arms, but feeling pain rush through her the closer she got to him. “I don’t want you touching me. God, don’t you see how much this hurts?” she asked tearfully. “Don’t you care that every time you come near me, it feels like you’re ripping my heart out all over again?” Finally freeing herself to step back and look at the shocked expression on Spike’s face. Seeing his watery eyes, Buffy stood in front of him trembling, wishing that she could make it all go away. Wishing that she could rewrite history and be a normal girl with normal problems. Wishing that she didn’t have to deal with the fact that she was in love with a man who was old enough to be her ancestor.

Turning on her heel and walking away, it took everything in her not to turn around when Spike called her name. He had no idea the agony that he caused her. He had no idea about the hundreds of nights that she had cried herself to sleep with her pillow muffling her sobs, because he couldn’t be hers and then cried even more when she realized that he didn’t want her.

“Buffy, don’t leave it like this, pet,” he called after her, watching after her until she was out of his sight.

Rubbing the back of his neck, Spike sighed heavily before letting his legs give out and dropping to the ground, allowing his hands to cover his face as he suppressed the tears he wanted to shed.

Why couldn’t she understand? Why couldn’t she see that if she was with him there would be nothing but sadness and pain? Feeling a tear slip down his cheek, Spike sighed when he realized that’s all he caused her anyway.

Feeling that the sunrise was approaching, he slowly got to his feet, deciding to wait and talk to her tomorrow after they’d both calmed down. He didn’t want to risk following her now and having to spend the day cooped up in the house, running the risk of getting thrown outside if it became too much for Buffy to handle. He didn’t seriously think she would do that, but there was no doubt that she was angry and she deserved a chance to cool off.

They both did.





Thanks so much to: PK, spuffette, Ariel Dawn, starhawk, Laine, cordykitten, daisy, Kimber, Rana, Caatje, pj, Brunettepet, gypsy_jin, Cynthia, melissa g, Amanda, Elanor, Carrosparro, Tasha, shelly, Caitie, Lala, willowmouse, Jamie C, H, stace, Beth, Adriana, Bleh, Annette, BuffyandSpikeForever, Sevvy_O, Celestria, samica, blondiebear, Jessiesaly, dreamgirl4eva, Jessica, Mali, Beasleysmom, sandradee & BuffyRat for reviewing!






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