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Chapter 23 – Why Now?


Trying to unwind from the talk with her father, Buffy sat in her apartment, letting her head roll along the back of the couch as she kept her eyes closed. Not surprised to hear the knock on the door, she didn’t bother getting up to answer it. Knowing who was on the other side, she merely waited until the door opened.

“Why bother knocking?” she asked, never turning to face the him as she heard the soft click of it closing behind him. “Knocking is simply a way of asking for an invitation, and you’re going to do whatever the hell you want anyway.”

Slightly disconcerted when he didn’t say anything, Buffy fought the urge to turn around, not wanting to give him anymore power in the situation.

“I didn’t call him, Buffy,” Spike said from behind her, watching as she turned her head slightly, but still refused to face him. She didn’t have to look at him to know his hands were shoved in the pockets of his duster and he was nervously waiting for her to turn around. “I guess Aubrey did.”

“Have you talked to your girlfriend yet?” Buffy asked, standing up from her seat on the couch and ignoring him as she walked past, into the kitchen area.

“She’s not my girlfriend,” he said with a sigh. “We work together.”

“Cozy,” she muttered, grabbing a bottle of water out of the refrigerator and slamming the door shut.

“Bloody hell, woman! I stayed here last night, or did you forget that little piece of information?”

“I didn’t forget,” she said softly, still not turning to look at him as she fought the tears in her eyes, trying to distract herself by playing with the cap on the bottle. “But you shouldn’t have.”

“And why’s that?” he asked, anger tingeing his voice.

“Because she’s in love with you,” Buffy replied, finally looking into his eyes and seeing the confusion in them. “And I was in that position…I know how it feels, and I know how much it hurts when you used to choose her over me.”

“So…what then, Buffy? I’m supposed to go shag her because you don’t want me here?”

Carefully hiding her reaction, she shook her head. “Do what you want to do,” she muttered. “Just don’t use me as a pawn in whatever you’re trying to play.”

“And what’s that?” he growled.

“How the hell should I know,” she said in a soft voice, clenching her jaw while she stared at him before walking back into the living room. “Maybe you do love her and want to make her jealous. Maybe you decided that I was a good ‘shag’ and wanted to try it again. Maybe, in some weird way, this is your plan to get back at Angel, since he actually had a relationship with Lucy before she died. I don’t…”

Trailing off when her shoulders were grabbed in a brutal hold, Buffy kept her calm mask firmly in place as Spike looked at her.

“It’s not any of that and you know it,” he said in a dangerous whisper before giving her shoulders a strong shake. “You know it, Buffy.”

The emotion in his voice shocked her as she looked into his pleading eyes. Tearing her gaze away, Buffy took a deep breath, trying to control her emotions.

“Go home, Spike,” she whispered miserably. “Just go home. I told my father and now I’m telling you…I’m not going to run- I have a life here and I’m going to stick with it. At least for a little while longer. I promise not to disappear again- just…just go home.”

“I can’t,” he whispered, turning her gaze toward him, looking at her through pained eyes.

“Why not?” she asked, fighting the tears that were threatening to emerge. “Why stick around? What’s the point, Spike?”

Gasping when she felt his lips on hers in a surprisingly tender kiss, Buffy felt lightheaded as his tongue gently swept along hers, eliciting a soft moan when his hands abandoned her arms to thread through her hair.

Enjoying the simplicity of the kiss for a moment, she slowly broke away, feeling a profound sense of loss when she saw him staring at her. His eyes were the most expressive that she had ever seen. Pulling herself away before she gave in to her desires, Buffy avoided his gaze as she stepped back.

Looking at her for a long moment while he gasped for unneeded air, Spike closed his eyes, realizing what he had to do.

“I’ll go,” he said softly after a moment. “I’ll go back to Sunnydale… give you the space you need, but you’re not going to shut me out, Buffy. Sooner or later, we’re going to work this out.”

Hearing him walk toward the door, she closed her eyes, battling the tears that were fighting to make themselves known. Letting her weight fall to the couch, she dropped her head into her hands, letting her palms put pressure on her forehead as she tried to stop the ache that was forming.

“Why now?” she whispered miserably, almost to herself, not bothering to look up as Spike turned back to face her. “Why did you have to come back now? Why did you have to want me now?”

Slowly walking toward her with a heavy sigh, Spike pulled his duster around him as he sat down on the coffee table in front of her. Nervously running his tongue along his bottom lip before answering, he took a deep breath as he hesitantly reaching forward and tilting her chin up until her eyes were looking into his. “Because you were too young, pet,” he whispered. “And I wanted you…God, how I wanted you,” he muttered to himself, running his hand over his face. “But it wasn’t right. Even when we actually…lost control…it was too soon. I wanted to wait. I wanted it to be right, and when it actually happened…I panicked. Wanted to take a step back, Goldilocks, but I never thought you would run off when I was trying to get some space.”

“What did you expect?” she whispered, once again avoiding his eyes as she looked at the floor in misery. “That you could ignore a seventeen year old girl and the problem would just go away?”

“Should have known better,” he said with a soft smile. “Too little, too late, eh, pet?”

“I’m still young, Spike,” she said softly.

“You are,” he agreed with a nod. “But things are…different…now.”

“Yeah,” she replied, taking a deep breath to steady her nerves and gain the courage to say what she needed to say. “Things are different…and I think it’s time for you to leave.”

Turning away so she wouldn’t have to see the hurt look on his face, Buffy bit her lip, wondering if she was making a mistake.

Seeing him stand up and walk toward the door, she could feel the tears that were burning her eyes, knowing that it was going to be a long night of sobbing into her pillow.

“Spike,” she whispered, watching as he paused with his hand outstretched to the doorknob. “I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know if you really want me or if you just want me because I’m unattainable now. I’d like to think it’s because you want me. But…maybe…someday, maybe this can be more. I just need some time.”

Slowly nodding, Spike glanced over his shoulder, giving her an understanding smile. “Not gettin’ any older, luv.”




Thanks so much to: spuffette, erin, daisy, Ariel Dawn, PK, Melissa, Sevvy_O, Kar, Cordykitten, Kimber, gypsy_jin, Caitie, Franchesca, Tasha, Jessica, Amanda, stace, Brunettepet, baby spikes, Crystal Pegasus, blondiebear, shelly, BuffyRat, pj, & BuffyandSpikeForever for reviewing!





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