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Chapter 26 – A Night of Questions


Watching as the coffin was lowered into the ground, Buffy stood next to Spike, holding his hand as the service came to an end. She had been by his side since it began, giving her silent support when he needed it.

It was decided that the funeral would be at night so Spike could attend. Willow and Tara had cast a protection spell around the rest of the Scoobies in case any vamps tried to take them by surprise.

Never letting go of her hand as Buffy turned and said a quiet goodbye to her friends, Spike continued to stare straight ahead, not really seeing anything as his thoughts drifted.

‘She loved me,’ he thought to himself, remembering Aubrey. He hated that the thought of that love didn’t cause any type of reaction. No hope, no despair, just a void of nothing. ‘She told me that…on more than one occasion, but I just couldn’t reciprocate…not like she wanted. Not in any way. I couldn’t willingly use her and end up hurting her. But I also hated to hurt her unknowingly. I should have handled it better…I’ve been on the receiving end of the situation, I should have…’

What would have been worse? Having to live with an unrequited love? Or getting what you wanted, but never actually having it?

His relationship with her had been merely a shadow of what he had with the other blonde in his life. He didn’t try and delude himself into thinking that he wanted to be with Aubrey. She was simply a poor reflection of the woman he loved now, and that was another reason why he couldn’t just use her.

It was too late now. He had made the right decision- he was certain of that fact. She had been his partner for over a year, and he didn’t regret not taking her up on any offers. But why the hell did it always work out this way? Was he destined to fall in love with those who didn’t want him and gain the love of the ones he didn’t want?

It was a never-ending cycle.

Spike’s thoughts were chaotic as he thought of the differences in this Slayer and the one he had once loved. Aubrey was willing to love him and let him love her, even though he would never feel the same about her. Something that Lucy would have never allowed. She had made it known, repeatedly, that Angel was her one true love and Spike would never have a chance. That he would always fall short of being whatever she needed him to be, because he wasn’t his grandsire.

And now, here he was with Angel’s daughter.

‘No wonder she thinks I’m just using her.’

Glancing over at Buffy, Spike was suddenly aware that they were alone. Gently squeezing her hand in a silent thank you for staying and letting him take his time getting through his emotions, he felt his heart tighten when she turned to look at him, offering him a soft smile. Continuing to stare at her, he felt mesmerized as he looked at the moonlight shimmering over her hair. Her expressive eyes, showing the pain that she was feeling, reflected from him, wishing that she could take his pain away.

How did he get here? How did it come to this?

A year ago, Buffy would have given him anything.

Spike knew it.

There wasn’t a question in his mind of that fact. But now…now, she had changed. She wasn’t the same girl that she had been a year ago. What Spike wouldn’t give to have that girl back.

Especially now that he wanted her more than he’d ever wanted anyone in his life.

“Want to sit down?” he quietly asked after a moment, pulling her closer to his side and leaving a lingering kiss on her forehead.

“Yeah,” she murmured, slowly pulling away and tugging on his hand as she guided him a few yards away from the fresh grave.

Sitting down and leaning against a nearby tree, Spike pulled Buffy onto his lap, banding his arms around her waist as he breathed in the lavender scent of her hair.

“I did miss you,” he whispered, closing his eyes when he felt her relax against him.

“I know,” she said softly, letting her head rest against his shoulder. “I missed you, too.”

Sitting in comfortable silence for several long minutes, Spike let his eyes close in exhaustion and relaxation when he felt her gentle touch against his skin. His hand was resting on her thigh, and he smiled when her hand began to gently caress his own, idly brushing her fingertips over the exposed skin.

“What happens now?” he asked after a moment, almost scared to break the tranquility between them.

Pausing in her movements for a brief moment, Buffy soon resumed what she was doing as she looked around and breathed a heavy sigh. “I don’t know,” she murmured.

“But you’re not staying,” he said, trying to keep the accusation out of his voice as he turned his eyes away when she glanced back to look at him.

“I don’t live here anymore,” she said gently, trying to make him understand. “I have another home.”

“Without me,” he muttered.

“What do you want me to say, Spike?” she asked, pulling away from him so she could turn and look him in the eyes. “That I’m going to move back here and you can resume the role of ‘protector’? I don’t need one.”

“What if something happens to you?” he asked, grabbing her wrists when she tried to pull away and jerking her back toward him, ignoring her feeble attempts to put distance between the two of them and inadvertently causing her to straddle his lap. “What if you need a protector?”

“I don’t,” she whispered, relaxing her body until his grip loosened. “But I do need a friend. I’ll always need you as a friend, Spike.”

“Don’t want to be your friend, Buffy.”

“But I need you,” she murmured, looking at him with wide eyes, hoping he would see the truth behind that statement.

Seeing the need in her eyes, he tried to give her a smile as he nodded. “You’ll always have me.”

Visibly relaxing, she gave him a soft smile as she played with his leather duster. “Could have its advantages.”

“What’s that, pet?” he asked, raising an eyebrow when she moved her body closer to his.

“Certain…benefits,” she whispered, gently brushing her lips against his before pulling away to study his reaction.

“Weren’t you the one who ran out of my crypt earlier this morning, virtue fluttering?”

“Yeah,” she murmured, briefly casting her eyes downward. “But that was about something different.”

“That right? And what would the difference be?”

“This isn’t about me being a replacement-”

“Buffy-”

“This is about,” she continued, cutting him off as her hands ran along his shoulders. “The two of us having something that’s familiar.”

“And what does it entail?” he asked, tilting his head to study her, trying to suppress his body’s reaction to her hands running across the leather of his duster.

“Us,” she whispered, stopping her movements and looking him in the eyes. “Us…being there for each other. Being friends. Not much more,” she continued, brushing her lips against his again, pulling away before he could deepen the kiss and turn it into something it wasn’t. “But ‘friends’ can be a comforting thing.”

“And if I want something more?” Tilting his head to study her as Buffy stared at him, Spike sighed before nodding. “Right. So, I get to act like a teenager and chase you around, stealing kisses whenever I get a chance?”

“Play your cards right,” she said with a smirk that Spike returned.

“Just what I’ve always wanted,” he said with a playful roll of his eyes, smiling when she giggled.




Thanks so much to: ProphecyGirl, Caitie, spuffette, Cynthia, Sevvy_O, tina, Cordykitten, Juanita, Reciprocity, pj, Crystal Pegasus, daisy, Franchesca, Panta_Rei, H, gypsy_jin, phantomwriter, Amanda, blondiebear, Kimber, Annette, baby spikes, BuffyandSpikeForever, Jessica, BuffyRat, shelly, starhawk, willowmouse & Melissa for reviewing!





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