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Chapter 20


Entering the apartment, the first thing Buffy noticed was the eerie silence. Fear coiled inside her. Had Tara gotten to them while she'd been gone?

"Hello!" she called.

Then, there was Spike, at a full gallop into the kitchen to greet her. Joyce
and Giles were right behind him.

"Buffy, we were starting to get worried, you've been gone for so long,"
Joyce said, wringing her hands together.

Buffy was trying to avoid the intense gaze Spike was directing at her. It
was making her nervous. She'd learned a lot and seen a lot, and was still
trying to process a lot. She felt as if she were going to collapse. And having
to face Spike and what happened. . .

She looked at him. And he crumbled. Sobbing, he came over to her and fell
to his knees, wrapping his arms around her. She stood, frozen, unsure of
what to do and unable to move.

"Spike," she started.

"Buffy, please luv, forgive me. I thought it was you. . . I didn't know. You
tried to tell me and I didn't listen. I failed you. Please luv, don't leave me.
Please…Please…" he was sobbing so hard she could barely understand the
words.

"Spike—"

"I'd never leave you or the baby. Never. I love you so much, more than
anything in this world," now he was leaving kisses on her belly. In a roomful
of people. She pushed him away, more forcefully than she had intended, but
she couldn't think of any other way to knock him out of the daze he was in
sobbing against her. His eyes widened as he knocked back on his elbows
and beheld her. His face wet and his eyes red. He'd been crying for a while
it seemed. His body was tense, waiting for what she was going to do and
say.

"Spike," she started again. "We've got a lot of talking to do." She looked up
at Giles and Joyce. "All of us."

"Will you be staying Whistler?" Joyce asked the demon behind her who
didn't seem to know what to do with himself either. She could feel the
uncertainty in him.

"Uh, yeah. I can always find a hotel though, Joyce. No need to worry about
me—"

"Nonsense. The couch pulls out. We'll set you up in there. Why don't you
uh, come with me. Giles, what are you doing?"

"I'm uh, I'm helping you," Giles said nervously and the three of them
practically ran from the room.

She didn't even have it in her to make a sarcastic remark. Spike stayed
where he had fallen, still staring up at her, waiting. Keeping her eyes on
him, Buffy sank to her knees before him and held out her hand. With a
shaking hand, he took it and brought himself back to his knees, facing her.
She let go of his hand and looked down, unable to meet his eyes.

"Buffy, talk to me. Please, tell me. . . "

Her head popped up. "What do you want me to tell you?"

"That you still love me. That you're not . . . you're not leaving me."

She shook her head, "I'm not leaving you."

"And you still love me?"

She nodded, "I still love you,"she whispered.

"Except you can't look at me."

She stood then. "Spike I'm not going to lie to you. What I walked in on
wasn't the easiest sight to behold," she drew a shaky breath, giving in to
her own tears. "And I know that it wasn't you. That she put a spell on you
and her and that you thought it was me but I can't lie that every time I
close my eyes, I see you with her."

Tears leaked from his eyes silently.

"Please get up; I can't stand to see you like that on your knees."

Spike stood, facing her. "Tell me what I can do to make it better," he
whispered.

"Can you trust me? Have faith in me?"

He nodded. "Anything."

"There's a lot I need to tell you."

"You look so tired baby. Let me take care of you. How about a bath? A
bath, you need a bath. Let me, please?"

"Spike just stop with the over compensating. You know I don't do well with
smothering."

He took a full step back. "You're right."

Suddenly the distance she thought she needed was too much. She burst
into tears. "But I really need you to hold me right now."

In a second, she was in his arms and he was holding on to her as tight as he
could without hurting her. He was murmuring words of love in her ear as
he held onto her and she clutched at him, crying. She started to feel the
tension of the day start to release through her tears. It felt like the whole
day had been leading up to the moment where she could release the
tension, the worry and the fear of what was going to happen to them.
Everything she'd learned tonight was all coming out in her tears, a whole
new set of worries were taking place over the ones that were dissipating.

"I love you Buffy. I always have and I always will," Spike whispered as he
nuzzled her cheek and started dropping kisses along her jawline. He cupped
her face in his hand and gazed at her tenderly, adoringly. "You're mine
baby. You always have been. Made for me, you were."

She couldn't help the laugh, the nervous ironic laugh that escaped at that.
"Oh, you don't even know the half of it."

He looked at her in question and she shook her head. "Soon. I want to tell
you everything—"

"Is that why Whistler is here? He had something to tell you?"

"Yes. He did. But, I'm about to drop. Pregnant women can only stand so
much. Even Light Bri—Even Slayer-like pregnant women like me."

"Bath then, yeah?"

She nodded, "but maybe not with—"

"I'll draw it for you. Help you get ready."

She nodded. "Okay."

Wrapping his arms around her and bringing her into his side, he walked
with her to the bathroom, seeming unwilling to lose any contact with her.
Even bothering her mother for some night clothes, Spike still stayed by her
side.

Spike helped her undress, even though she didn't need him to do it. It
made him feel better, she could tell. It was if he was reassuring himself that
she was there as he uncovered her body. She could see the bulge in his
jeans from the act but knew it was just his body reacting to hers and that
he wouldn't try anything. And as the last article of clothing was discarded
and she stood naked before him, steam seeping from the running water and
the fragrance of the bath being lifted and curling around them, Spike stood
in reverence of her. He placed a hand on her belly and then leaned in and
kissed it tenderly. "Love you nibblet," he whispered.

"Girl."

He looked up, eyes wide. "Girl?"

She nodded.

"How do you—"

"Like I said, lots of things."

"Buffy, just tell me pet. Tell me that you're not going anywhere."

"Spike I already told you—"

"No, I mean. . . you're not dying are you?" he looked positively terrified at
the idea.

"No," she shook her head, a wry smile on her lips. "I'm going to be around
for a long time."

"So you're healthy, the baby is healthy and you're not turning into a
demon?"


"No."

"Buffy, I'm dying to know."

"I know. I just . . . I need it to settle for right now. My brain needs to shut
off."

"Okay, baby. Come on, in with you." Taking her hand he helped her into
the tub. He knelt by her and dunked the washcloth in the tub. Buffy
watched him as he lifted the wash cloth and ran it up her legs.

"Just . . . just come in with me," she finally blurted out.

"What about--?" he nodded toward the door.

"I don't care anymore. Please?"

His clothes were off in record time and he slipped in behind her, pulling her
against his chest. He held her close and between soft words and silence,
they rested and bathed. When they were done, they dried off and made
their way to the bedroom they'd be sharing. Slipping under the covers,
Buffy's limbs felt like weights. She watched as Spike slid in next to her,
naked, and immediately brought her into the circle of his arms.

"You're my girl?" he asked tentatively, hopefully.

"Yes, Spike. I'm still your girl."

"And you'll tell me everything tomorrow?"

Her eyelids had weights on them. "Everything."

"And you're healthy?"

"Mmmm…"

"I love you Buffy."

"I love you too."

She never heard Spike cry one more time from the fear he'd held since
he'd learned of what he'd done. In his arms he held his world: Buffy and his
baby. He'd once condemned Buffy for running away from her problems—
namely her problems with him. Now he felt from her that she was fighting
for them and had been all this time. She was his mate in every sense of the
word and he was going to make it up to her, going to make up the fact that
he'd failed her.





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