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Angel had been given a small mission. The Council had decided that he should be the one to question Willy again as to the whereabouts of the vampires that had attacked Buffy. He had a wad of cash in his pocket to help sweeten the deal, courtesy of the Council, and a very large chip on his shoulder that guaranteed that when he found the vampires, they wouldn't have to worry about what the Council had in store for them.



He felt restless and out of sorts as he walked the streets of Sunnydale. Something was wrong - he could feel it pulling at him, vague and unidentifiable - but there, nonetheless. At first, he'd just chalked it up to finding Buffy and Spike together, and the feelings that his errant childe always managed to stir up. He'd decided to walk to Willy's to clear his head, but the feeling grew stronger with every step, leading him down streets that weren't even on the way. It was only when he reached the mouth of the alley that everything became crystal clear.



Cordelia's vision.



Small cries that reminded him of a wounded animal reached his ears, filling him with dread as he entered the alley. It was dark, but it didn't take him long to locate the figure lying in a heap against the far wall.



"Buffy?" He ran, dropping to his knees when he reached her. "Oh my God, Buffy, what happened?" He gently tried to pull her into his arms, but her body remained rigid, locked in a fetal position.



How had she gotten here? Everything was exactly as Cordelia had described it: Buffy's dress was torn, the paper thin fabric barely clinging to one breast, she was nearly catatonic, and the scent of blood was unmistakable. And underneath the blood, something Cordelia hadn't mentioned.



Semen.



Fighting the rush of fury that threatened to consume him, Angel took off his coat and slipped it around Buffy's shoulders. She continued to whimper and sob, rocking slightly with her arms locked around her legs. Helplessly, he wondered if she was even aware of his presence. "Buffy, c'mon, baby, talk to me..." he murmured, stroking her hair. "Who did this to you?"



She froze, as if suddenly realizing that someone was with her. "Angel?" she sniffled, making his heart break at the way her voice familiarly caught on the first syllable of his name. Her eyes met his and she shrank back from him, seeking the comfort of the wall behind her. "No...go away..." She struggled to get her legs beneath her, clawing at the wall as she surged to her feet. "Don't look at me..."



"Buffy!" Angel lunged forward to catch her as her legs buckled. She pushed him away and leaned against the wall, wrapping her arms around herself protectively.



"Don't touch me. Just leave me alone." She couldn't stop shaking, remembering the contempt in Spike's eyes as he left her. She couldn't bear to see that same look in Angel's eyes. Not now.



He stared at her in shock. "You can walk." He took a step forward and stopped when she recoiled. "How - when? Buffy, what happened here tonight?"



A single tear rolled down her cheek as she whispered, "Spike." She could feel a twin trail of wetness trickling down her thigh, a reminder of her lust and ultimate humiliation. "Spike happened."



Angel's reaction was violent and instantaneous. "I'll rip his fucking head off!"



Startled at his outburst, Buffy looked up, her eyes encountering the familiar fangs and ridges. She was at once touched and frightened by the fury she saw reflected in his burning yellow gaze. She shook her head. "It's not necessary, Angel."



"Not necessary?" he snarled. "That piece of filth raped you, and now I'm going to do what I should have done years ago, and wipe him from the face of this earth."



She blinked at him, fighting an inappropriate urge to laugh. Of course, Angel would assume that she'd been forced. How could he sweep into her life and rescue her otherwise? Only he didn't have that right anymore. He'd thrown it away the moment he decided to leave her. But now here he was, back in her life, and he looked upon her as someone who needed saving, as someone too pure and good to feel simple lust. She didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the absurdity.



How quickly he'd forgotten. Less than a year ago, she'd barely been able to keep her hands off of him. How many times had he had to restrain her from sliding her hands down his pants, from wriggling against him in desperation? How many times had he pulled away from her hungry mouth as it sought to taste his skin?



Buffy stood there trembling as anger threatened to engulf her. How dare he assume anything where she was concerned? A helpless victim? Unwilling? If only he knew just how willing a participant she'd been in what had transpired here tonight. Suddenly, she was stricken by the perverse desire to enlighten him. "Rape? Spike didn't need to rape me, Angel," she told him bitterly, pushing away from the wall. She slowly stalked toward him, not bothering to sugarcoat her words. "I wanted it, all of it. I *begged* him to fuck me," she felt a twinge of satisfaction when he visibly flinched, "up against the wall like some slut. And he did."



Angel shook his head, unable to believe what she told him. This wasn't *his* Buffy. She was pure - innocent - and she would never, ever, want Spike to touch her in that way. She was obviously in shock, which was the only possible explanation for her behavior. He spoke to her in a low, calm voice, the kind used to reason with ledge-jumpers. "No, you don't know what you're saying. You're a mess, Buffy - you're bruised, you're bleeding - this doesn't look the least bit consensual to me."



"Don't patronize me!" she hissed. "I know exactly what happened here tonight. Spike didn't make love to me, he fucked me, and what's more, I liked it." Her voice rose. "Is that what you wanted to hear? Do you want details? Do you really want to know how easily he made me come all over his big hard c-"



"Stop it, Buffy!" Angel yelled as he grabbed her upper arms and shook her. Her eyes were wild as she stared up at him, and he wondered briefly if this was really the same girl that he had fallen in love with. "If this was what you wanted, if it was so fucking wonderful, then why were you lying here by yourself in this condition?"



"Why?" She wrenched herself out of his grasp. "I'll tell you why...because as usual, no man can stand to be around me for very long. They all walk away - my father, *you*, Parker - why should Spike be any different? At least he didn't have the gall to tell me he loved me before he left."



Angel's jaw tightened. "You know perfectly well why I left - why I *had* to leave."



"God!" she yelled. "I am *so* sick of hearing that! You left so I could have a life, blah, blah, blah. Well, guess what? I don't have a life. I don't have anything."



"That's bullshit! You have a calling, a higher purpose than most people ever dream of - friends and family who love you -"



"Love? How dare you talk to me about love? I loved you with everything I had and you still left me, I still wasn't enough for you!" she spat out.



"You spoiled little brat!" Angel snapped, grabbing her again. "Don't you know what that cost me? Don't you have any idea how much I loved you, how much I *still* love you?"



Tears filled her eyes. "Then why, Angel? If you love me so much, then how can you stand to be away from me?"



Deep brown eyes stared down at her, filled with more sorrow than Buffy thought she could stand. "I can't," he said hoarsely, dropping her arms. He turned away and ran a hand through his hair. ""I thought leaving you was the hardest thing I've ever done..." Pain etched his features as he glanced back at her. "...until Giles asked me to come back."



Buffy couldn't breathe as the weight of his admission settled over her. All this time, all of these months of wallowing in self-pity, and she'd never even stopped to consider how hard it had all been on him. She'd been too consumed by her own pain to think about his side of it, and besides, it had been *his* decision to go. She hadn't thought of it as a sacrifice on his part, only as a punishment for her, the usual 'Buffy doesn't get to be happy' theme song of her life. Part of her had actually hated him for the misery he'd put her through.



And now he probably hated her right back for what she'd done tonight.



"Angel..." She reached out to him and stopped when he flinched almost imperceptibly. Her hand hovered in the air for a moment before dropping back down to her side. She was right, he hated her. Or at the very least, was totally repulsed by her.



Her gaze drifted over her surroundings and down at her torn dress. The very fact that Angel was seeing her like this, was standing here completely aware of everything that had happened between her and Spike... Could she really blame him for recoiling?



Her humiliation was complete. Not only that, but her sense of self-loathing had reached new pinnacles. She blanched as she recalled the hateful things she'd said to him, how she'd thrown her actions with Spike right in his face. What was happening to her? What kind of person was she becoming? And more importantly, how could two people who claimed to be in love keep hurting each other like this? And she did love Angel, that was a given. It wasn't something she could turn off, no matter how much Spike had come to mean to her.



"God, how you must hate me," she whispered.



"I could never hate you," Angel answered dully, without inflection.



"But you are disgusted with me." When he offered no denial, tears filled her eyes again. "I'm so sorry, Angel. I don't know what's happened to me, I keep doing...things. Things that I'm not very proud of." She took a deep breath. "Do you want to know why Spike left me?" Angel turned to face her once again. "I lied to him. About why I quit the Council...and about being able to walk."



His eyes narrowed. "What do you mean, you lied about being able to walk?"



"I got the feeling back in my legs the other night. I - I didn't say anything, I just kept pretending to be paralyzed." She watched his expression darken, a chill creeping along her spine. "I wanted to tell him, but Spike was taking care of me, and things were going so well, and I was afraid...I was afraid he'd leave me if he knew I could walk."



The muscle in Angel's jaw twitched as he ground his molars together. "Do you mean to tell me that earlier, at your house, you could walk?" She nodded almost fearfully. "When you dragged yourself out of the bathroom while Spike and I were fighting - that was all an act?"



"Yes."



He blew out a breath of air and turned away from her, hands clenching and unclenching in the pockets of his duster. "I can't believe you'd do something like that. That you'd deliberately deceive your mother and Giles...and me."



"I'm sorry, Angel-"



"Don't!" He held up a hand. "Just...don't, all right?" He looked at her with tormented eyes. "I feel like I don't know who you are anymore."



"That makes two of us, then," she sighed. "Look, I didn't plan it, it just happened! I got scared -"



"Come off it, Buffy! This is Spike we're talking about. He doesn't do anything without getting something in return. He stayed with you because it was safe, not because he cared about you."



"You weren't there, you didn't see the things he did for me. He made me stop feeling sorry for myself. He told me I was beautiful...he didn't treat me like a damn cripple. He understood what it was like to be in that wheelchair."



"Saint Spike," Angel sneered.



"I needed him, Angel. I depended on him, and the thought of losing him terrified me. He's the one who saved me from the vampires who attacked me. I'd be dead if it weren't for him."



"If he saved your life, then I'm indebted to him. I'll be sure to say thank you before I shove a stake through his heart."



"Angel, stop-" She reached out, only to have him pull away again.



"I left so that you could have a *normal* life!" he shouted. "That didn't include fucking vampires, and it certainly didn't include you falling for Spike, of all people! For Christ's sake, Buffy, he's not even human!"



"And neither are you," she answered softly. "All of this, it just happened. You weren't here, you were gone...and he was the person I spent the most time with." Her voice broke. "I'll always love you, Angel. I can't stop loving you, no matter how hard I try. But I had to move on, and I do have feelings for Spike - strong feelings. I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth." She looked up at him, willing him to meet her eyes. He tried to look away, but she reached up and turned his face toward her. "I'd give anything not to have hurt you, you must know that. But you hurt me first. You left me here, and for a long time, I thought I'd die without you. I don't want to feel that way ever again." Angel compressed his lips together, hurt and anger vibrating through every part of him.



"Things are different now," she continued. "*I'm* different, and so are you. I have a lot to deal with - namely, trying to stay alive and figure out just who my enemies are. And right now, you can't be what I need you to be. Spike can be here for me in ways that you can't. I'm going to need his help when I go up against the Council. If he'll ever speak to me again, that is."



"Spike doesn't forgive easily."



"I know that. I have to try though, I have to make him see -" Her voice grew panicky. "I need him, Angel."



"You don't need him, you have the rest of us to help you-"



"Don't you get it?" she yelled. "I'm *scared*! I'm terrified that I can't be the Slayer anymore. I think...I think that I've lost my nerve...and Spike might just be the only person who can help me get it back. He won't put up with any bullshit, he'll *make* me face up to things. He won't let me run away."



"And I would?"



"I don't know. But Spike doesn't have a soul, and he doesn't love me - he's made that clear. There won't be any soft feelings getting in the way, do you understand that?" Tears spilled over and ran down her cheeks as she reached for his hand. "Please, Angel...try to understand."



Angel closed his eyes, trying to escape the vision of her with Spike, trying to separate how he felt from what Buffy needed. He could feel the warmth of her hand in his, and it only served to remind him of what he could never have. Of what Spike would be free to enjoy, if he chose to come back. And all it did was fuel his overwhelming need to get as far away from Buffy and Sunnydale as possible, and never look back.



But it was a need he had to ignore for the moment.



There was no way he could abandon Buffy with everything she was going through. As much as it pained him, he'd have to stick around long enough to see that she was safe. He cleared his throat. "I'll help as much as I can, whatever Giles needs me to do. But I can't accept this, Buffy. I can't stay here and watch you be with *him*."



Buffy closed her eyes. "I understand." She opened them again and stared up at him sadly. "Thank you, Angel." He nodded, and she took a deep shaky breath, relieved that the worst was over.



Suddenly, her knees buckled, her legs unused to carrying her for such a long period of time. Angel caught her as she fell, and muttering a curse, swung her up into his arms. "It's almost dawn, I'd better get you home," he murmured, striding out of the alley.



"I'll be okay in a minute," she whispered drowsily. "I'm just so tired."



Feeling her nestled in his arms, just like old times, Angel couldn't stop the pang of longing that ran through him. He held her tighter, letting her scent wash over him like a narcotic, the way it always had in the past. For that brief moment, nothing else mattered. The Hellmouth could open up beneath them and he'd willingly jump in, as long as he could stay like this.



And that was exactly why he had to leave town as quickly as the situation would allow.



Buffy sighed and snuggled against him. "You always make me feel so safe. I've missed feeling like this." Angel stayed silent. "I wish...I wish..." her voice trailed off, leaving the obvious unsaid. In seconds, she was asleep.



Angel bent his head until it touched hers. "Me, too, Buffy," he whispered. "Me, too."



He walked on toward Revello Drive, unaware of the pair of eyes that watched from the shadows.





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