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Chapter 11- Deep Down

The ride to Wolfram and Hart was a silent one for all. The two cars arrived in the garage simultaneously and the one sound in the huge expanse of a parking garage was car door slams and footfalls. Even the stifling closeness of everyone in Angel’s private elevator didn’t alleviate the obvious stress that the occupants were under.

Buffy’s eyes were closed and she tried hard not to think, she just wanted this whole trip to be done and over with, the further away she got from this place and these people the better, with the exception of Dawn. There were too many shared memories with some of them, memories that she didn’t really want to be reliving right now, it wouldn’t do to have the step-bitch’s see her emotionally wrought.

“The face that you’re making now, it might not be a bad thing to try to keep it for the duration, a little sympathy on the judge’s part right now wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing.” Gunn told her quietly from beside her.”

Buffy turned and looked at him, her face changing to that of a bemused expression.

“What look was that?” Buffy honestly had no clue that she had been making any kind of face, she was just trying to be blank and not show emotion.

“The one of despair, pain, and sorrow. Gee girl, I don’t think I have ever seen a face more pathetic than your’s just a moment ago.”

Charles was in fact trying to lighten her mood, but was obviously failing miserably. It was almost like he was talking to a brick wall, or a blank piece of paper. She was trying, he could tell, but the effort just wasn’t reaching, neither in her voice or her eyes. It was a little disconcerting how there was just nothing there. It was easy to see why Angel and Spike had fallen for her, she was a knockout. But like so many that dealt in death, sooner or later that was all you became an executioner who did the job, death having robbed you of everything but its black desolate void.

Charles looked at her one more time, again she was facing front, not smiling, not even moving her eyes, almost as if she was a robot. If only he would have known about Robo Buffy, then maybe he could have gotten a chuckle out of the picture, instead all he got was perplexity.

The door opened on the top floor, Angel feeling that it was best that the least amount of people that knew a slayer was in the building, the better, so Buffy and Dawn would spend the remaining hour before the hearing in the penthouse suite.

He hoped that the view alone would bring a smile to their faces, he hated seeing both of them so sullen, especially Dawn, she used to be so bright and cheery that just looking at her could turn a vamp to dust. This older Dawn was more mature, quiet, and had definitely seen to many things in such a short life.

Buffy he had seen like this before, after her mom died, she he just chalked it up to her taking the news badly about her father and now this whole mess with her’s and Dawn’s Inheritance, he never really thought for a moment that there could be anything else the matter. He had seen the most bright and vivacious person become hard and sullen because of too many battles, unfortunately this is what had happened to Buffy.

“I have some things I have to take care of down in my office. I’ll come up and get you when everything is ready downstairs. Please make yourselves at home, and once this thing is over I’ll take both of you out to celebrate.” Kissing Buffy on the cheek he joined the rest of the group in the elevator and went down to his office, never seeing Spike’s lingering shadow well hidden in a darkened corner.

Dawn went immediately to the wall of windows and stared in awe over the city, luckily it was a nice clear day and she could see as far as the ocean. The fact that the whole place was sunlit, puzzled her though, then she realized that Angel must have special glass installed if he was able to live her without being fried every morning. Glancing back at her sister, it troubled her to see that Buffy hadn’t moved at all, she was still a few feet in front of the elevators, looking dazed, if she didn’t know better she would have thought that her sister was drugged.

“Buffy, you have to come see this, I can see the ocean from way up here, it’s spectacular. Wouldn’t it be nice to go to the beach and get a tan before we head back to London. Everyone would be so envious of our tans.” Dawn was starting to get desperate to try anything to get her sister to snap out of the funk that she was in. It worried her to see Buffy like this, things hadn’t been this bad since Willow, Tara, Anya, and Xander had pulled Buffy from Heaven. Buffy had closed herself off from all of them except Spike and now he was gone.

“Do you think about him sometimes Buffy? Do you miss him?” Just thinking about her best friend being gone was enough to put a lump the size of a basketball in Dawn’s throat, but she had never really tried to talk to Buffy about Spike and the relationship that they had together before he died.
“What?” Buffy asked not quite sure if she heard her sister or her own mind asking her the question.”

“Do you think about him sometimes Buffy? Do you miss Spike?” Dawn sensing her sister’s need went to her and put her arm around her, trying to be at least some comfort even though what Buffy needed Dawn was unable to give her.

“It’s okay if you do, because I really miss him too.” Walking her sister over to the sofa was like walking an old woman. Sitting down beside her, she took Buffy’s hands in her own.

“I know about the relationship you guys had when you came back. No one ever thought that I saw anything, but like Xander I did, only I was more open to it I guess. I thought it was cool, because I liked Spike, he was fun and he took care of me. He never stopped loving you, not for a moment. Sometimes he would sit in his crypt and just stare out the door as if expecting you to fling it open at any moment. I also know that you loved him, you didn’t realize it at first, but I did. You leaned on him like you never did with anyone, not even Angel. You needed him, because he understood you like none of us ever did, he was your solace and your strength. He got his soul back for you, so you wouldn’t have to fight the darkness alone anymore, so that you could have someone to stand shoulder to shoulder with at the end. Spike gave his life so that you could live Buffy, just like you did for me. You have to live for him Buffy, he wouldn’t want you like this.” Holding her sister in her arms she felt Buffy shaking, but knew that no tears would come, Buffy’s pain was past that now, it was down deep in her soul.

Buffy clung to her sister, finally feeling someone who she could open up to about Spike. Dawn understood and accepted her, not because Dawn was her sister, but because Dawn had understood her love for Spike. She wanted to cry for him, now that she had a shoulder to lean on, but the tears wouldn’t come, instead it felt as if not only was her soul crying but it was bleeding for him.

“I loved him so much Dawn, I still love him. Why does it have to hurt so much. It takes all my strength to get out of bed in the morning because it’s one more day that I have to spend without him. It’s worse than when I sent Angel to hell, or when mom died, I wish that I had died with him. I shouldn’t have left him, even though he told me to. I told him that I loved him Dawnie, but after all of the horrible things that I had said and done to him he didn’t believe me. Spike died for me, never knowing just how much I loved him, how much I will always love him. Parts of me wish that I was dead so that I could be with him again, nothing seems worth it without him.” Sobs wracked her body, but still there were no tears just the gut wrenching sobs of someone who had known way to much pain in their life.

Dawn held on to her sister and prayed to whatever was above; that her sister would be better soon, that the pain would go away and Buffy could be whole again. Time stood still around them.

For Spike time was his problem, for he was living on small borrowed amounts. Invisible tears streamed down his face at Buffy’s declaration, he could feel the pain in his soul as if it was his own. It made hell seem almost like an oasis.

“I’ll figure this out Buffy, I swear I will. If not to bring myself back, then to end your torment. I’ll find a way love, I promise.” Not able to bear any more Spike vanished through the wall and immediately headed to the science department and to hopefully find Fred with some answers.





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