“Just call the bloody shot, will ya?”

“Oh, nonono--this is way too rich.”

Spike propped his elbows up on the table and rested his forehead in his hands. What was it with him and his big mouth? Why had he never, not in well over a century, ever learned to zip it when it counted? What the hell had prompted him to confide in the whelp, anyway? Maybe it’s because we’ve been on actual speaking terms since that night at Buffy’s, when he found out about us, or maybe it’s because we’ve been getting together for these billiard games, or hell--maybe it’s because he’s the only other bloke around. Ok, so there were lots of reasons, which was perhaps the reason why Xander’s mirth was so hard to swallow.

Xander was beside himself with glee--finally, something was off in the Buffy/Spike lovey-dovey-athon. He’d never seen anything like it before--sure, they bickered, but from what the vampire had been saying, theirs seemed to be a match made in heaven, with no drawbacks. Until now, that was...

“What’s the matter, Spikey? Feeling... stressed?” When the vampire looked up at him, scowl on his face, he decided that that was enough teasing. He’d had his fun, but Spike seemed to be taking his ribbing a bit too seriously. Stick in hand, he walked over to the table and hopped up onto the free stool. Taking a sip of his beer--damn, but hadn’t the vampire gotten him addicted to that Irish Ale--he put on a serious face.

“Look, I’m sorry about poking the angry bear--but you’ve gotta see it from my angle. You and Buffy--man, you guys are, like, made for each other. Everything’s always hunky dory--either you give in or she gives in, but you’re always... I don’t know, it’s like you guys are always perfect. Then I look at me and Anya and--don’t take me wrong, I love her more than anything--but she’s a high maintenance gal. She’s always begging me to buy her stuff, or pay all my attention to her--you know, I actually have to bribe her to let me out of the house for these guys nights out...” He sighed, realizing that he’d been babbling. “What I mean to say is that although I don’t want to see you guys hit any bumps, there’s some personal satisfaction at seeing your relationship finally take a more normal turn. Capisce?”

Although the whelp seemed to be more verbose than usual, Spike had hung onto every single word of his diatribe. He slowly blinked before taking a long swig of his Guinness. “Yeah, I kinda see where you’re coming at. Doesn’t make me feel any better, but I get your point.” He felt so weird having someone to talk to. Who had the vampire, in his century-plus of existence, to confide in? Angelus? Not bloody likely. Drusilla? Uh, no. Crazy women don’t make good sounding boards. Buffy? Yes, but this was about her, so he wasn’t going to talk to her about it.

So he had Xander. The boy-wonder whom he’d so often ridiculed--useless, really, compared to the others; so blatantly following Buffy because of some hopeless crush, like a puppy dog following its master. But he had his strengths--you couldn’t discount a strong heart and valiant effort. In battle, so many men of stout character had performed greater feats than the best swordsmen, or the sharpest marksmen. And now, he felt comfortable in saying that he had the whelp as a friend.

Which led him to the issue at hand. His sex life. Not something he’d ever shared with anyone, but recently there had been dry periods. Ok, more like intermittent oases in the Gobi desert. Sure, Buffy was pregnant--well, very pregnant--and that was a valid reason, no arguing with that. But up to a short while ago, she’d been just as into it as he was. He’d walk into the kitchen after patrolling and find himself with the Slayer wrapped around his waist, kissing him like he’d been off to war for years; they’d go to a movie, and she’d want to sit in the back row, just in case the urge befell her to lean over and... well, you know. But the surprise attacks lessened, the urges to be naughty became fewer and far between, and now it was mostly him and... himself.

“Uh, Spike? Anyone in there?” Xander had watched Spike’s eyes glaze over as his mind went bye-bye for a while. Yeah, he was mulling things over, but it was just plain creepy, with the lack of life signs and all.

The vampire shook his head. “Sorry ‘bout that.”

“Have you tried to talk to Buffy about this? I know it sounds dumb, but I’m sure you guys talk about things, right?”

“Dunno. Well, yeah, we talk about stuff, like the baby, and what she wants to do with her life, and that sort of stuff. Truth is, I’d feel like a prat bringing it up. ‘Pet, I know you’re tired, and your back hurts, and your ankles are swollen, but how ‘bout a roll in the hay?’ I don’t think it’d go over too well.” Spike’s attention was diverted for a moment as he motioned a barmaid over for refills and a basket of onion rings. When she had left, he muttered. “Can’t believe they got rid of that bloomin’ onion. Best thing the place had going for it, if you ask me.”

The brunette snickered. Nice try to steer the conversation, Deadboy... “Spike--it’s bothering you. I mean, look--you’re talking to me about it--that’s a sign that this... glitch... is really working one on you. When I say talk to Buffy, I don’t mean saying something like ‘hey I’m horny--give me some’, ‘cause I think that, honestly, you try that and it’s hellooo dustbuster. What I mean is just... I don’t know--it sounds gay, but just talk to her about it. Let her know that you’re frustrated. Maybe you can find other ways of dealing with it.”

The vampire’s brow went up. “Other ways? What, you mean find myself another bird or something? Don’t think Buffy’ll go for that, mate.”

“Uh, no. Other ‘birds’ are definitely out of the question. I meant... you know “other ways”...” Xander couldn’t bring himself to actually volunteer the information--he may be with Anya, but there’s no way he could be as upfront as she was when it came to talking sex.

Spike let out a frustrated sigh--he wasn’t in the mood for games. Imitating Xander’s quotation mark hand signal, he growled. “What the hell kind of “other ways”, Harris? I’m not in the mood for twenty questions.”

Shit. The young man leaned over and tried to keep his voice down. At least Spike had vampiric hearing, so he knew he could hear loud and clear. “I can’t believe I’m actually going to talk about this...” He paused and leaned back as their drinks and food arrived. “Thanks, Angie.” He pulled out some money and paid the barmaid. After all, Spike had taken care of the last round.

Munching on a ring, he leaned back in. “Look, I’m sure you’ve got a good imagination--I mean, you were with Drusilla for what, a hundred and twenty years? Don’t tell me you guys stuck to missionary sex, cause I won’t believe you.”

The vampire’s words were laced with sarcasm. “No, we didn’t stick to the missionary position. But I don’t think that Buffy’s either gonna be in the mood to try what we got into, nor is she in shape to try some of it.” Stupid wanker--what did he think he was, anyway?

“I’m not talking bondage, here. I’m talking...” His voice got lower, if possible. If anyone heard him, he’d probably just crawl under the table and die. “Uh. When Anya has her period, we don’t have sex. Doesn’t mean we don’t do anything, though. We get around the whole penetration bit.” He narrowed his eyes at the vampire’s look of unabashed hunger. “Not that you would care any with the period and all, but for us non-vamps, it’s kind of a messy deal, ok?”

Spike’s hands shot up. “Hey, didn’t say a word.” Great, talk of sex and blood. And a low prospect of getting any action when he went home... “Keep talking, though.” He popped an onion ring in his mouth and talked around it. “I’m dying to find out what your secret is...” A teasing smirk pulled the corner of his lips up.

“Just don’t tell anyone I told you any of this...”

“Don’t you think our birds talk about this kind of stuff all the time? I betcha the Slayer and the two witches know everything it takes to get you off, Harris. Anya isn’t exactly the buttoned lip kind of gal.”

Spike was right--why was he nervous about this? Anya’d probably been telling everyone about this stuff forever. Maybe it was because he didn’t know how the vampire would react to it. “Fine. You could try masturbating on her. I mean, she doesn’t have to do anything, but it’s better than doing it alone, or in the washroom...”

“You mean tossing off on her?” At Xander’s blushing nod, the vampire pursed his lips together. “Never thought of that, really. Be better than the alternative, that’s for sure. And you say Anya’s ok with that?”

“Yeah, it actually excites her, in some demented ‘only Anya’ way.” He was really, really talking to Spike about this. This was definitely a Hellmouth moment.

“Well, makes sense, in a way, dunnit? Tell me you wouldn’t like watching your bird get herself off?” This man-talk was kind of fun, Spike decided. Especially the ‘whelp-turns-a-deeper-shade-of-purple-as-we-go’ part of it. When it came to sex, Spike was definitely unabashed. “So, how do you do it, does she just lie there and you kneel beside her, or does she help?”

Xander’s face paled. Now he was the one who regretted opening his big mouth. “Why don’t you use your imagination, huh? I don’t think I need to go into details.” Please let him leave it at that...

So he no longer went around killing people. Somehow, this was much more pleasurable to the vampire at the moment. Trying his damnedest not to let his smirk show, the bleached blonde pressed the issue. “No, seriously. I just want to make sure that I do this right. And I can’t do that unless you let me know exactly how it is you ‘pull it off’”

The bleached wonder was having all too much fun at his expense. Here he was, genuinely trying to help--but dying of embarrassment along the way--and Spike’s jumping in his seat, gleeful as can be. “Look, we’ve got a game of pool that’s only halfway done. Why don‘t we work on pulling that off, huh?” There. He threw the towel in, gave up, whatever you want to call it. God knew how much Spike wanted to get out of him, but there’s only so much one poor guy can take.

He jumped off the barstool and took a swig of his beer. Before he was able to take a step away, his arm was held in the vampire’s iron clutch.

“Look, Harris. I really appreciate all this. I know it’s awkward for you, ‘specially with us not being best of buddies, but you did good. I’ve never had anyone to talk to before--of the male persuasion, mind you--so all this is a bit strange for me. But, for all it means, thanks.” He removed his hand from the brunette’s grip and stood there, not really knowing what to do.

Xander made that decision for him. Nodding, he smiled. “Actually, I’m with you on that. It’s good to have a non-Giles kind of guy to hang around with. And it’s no big. I guess we all have stuff we need to sort out, every now and then.” Turning back to the table, he looked at it for a few seconds.

“Green in the far corner pocket.”

Author's note:Yay! I actually got another chapter in before Christmas! I know it doesn't have the Spuffiness you're all craving, but this was an important chapter to me, in regards to character development. Now, I did have a Christmas chapter I wanted to get out in time, but I doubt that I'll be able to pull it off. Oh well, guess it'll be a post-Xmas Xmas chapter.
A safe and happy holidays to all, best wishes (and all that rot, as Spike would say) :)