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Chapter Fifteen

What the bloody hell is going on? Why am I so confused? Time to make a list of the things I remember.

One. I made a deal with Buffy to get Dru away from Angel so she could stop Alcathla.

Two. I didn’t have the heart to let Angel kill Buffy, at the time it was simply because I wanted to reserve that right for myself. That’s changed and I don’t remember why. Could it be the soul? How did I get a soul anyway?

Three. Dru, loving dear that she is, pushed me through the statue instead of her darling daddy and I guess that closed the damned thing. Go me. I’m a soddin’ hero.

Four. Things get really blurry after that. I keep getting glimpses but I have no real memory of where I was or what I did until I woke up in the Slayer’s bedroom. I can now tolerate sunlight, though it’s no pleasure. I can see myself in a mirror and I can sometimes light up like Disco Stu when Buffy and I hold hands.

Five. I’m soddin’ head over heels in love with the Slayer and I feel like I have been for a long time. I know I didn’t feel that way before Acathla so when and how exactly did that happen?

Six. It seems Dru can now teleport and cause me to see visions. She’s always had the ability with humans but she’s never been able to use it on me before. Either she’s gotten more powerful or I’m goin’ stark raving bonkers.

Come to think of it, was Dru even really there? I thought I’d stood up and I thought Buffy was in the cage with Himself but if she was and if I did why did I end up flat on my back again on Buffy’s lap? Could it have been a dream?

I guess it’s possible.

With a sigh I realize there’s only one thing to do.

I gotta go back to the library, hat in hand, and ask them for help tryin’ to figure this out.

I hope Buffy isn’t mad at me.

~~~~~

I’m mad at Spike! I have to keep telling myself this since it seems to be the only thing able to keep me in my chair researching rather than running through the town in search of him to beg him to forgive me.

I’m mad at Spike, dammit! I haven’t done anything that warrants forgiveness! Stay focused, Bufster! Angry Slayer! Pissed off! MAD AT SPIKE!

I wish he were back.

“Buffy,” Giles’ voice rudely interrupts my inner monolog, “would you mind sharing why you can’t seem to keep still? Your squirming has knocked several extremely rare and fragile texts onto the floor and I’d like to know whether or not I should get a book trolley to salvage the remains of my collection.”

I blink at Giles. Unfortunately this brings Angel into my line of vision. Something I’d been striving to avoid almost as much as I’ve been trying to stay angry at Spike. He stares sadly at me like a kicked puppy.

I know at some point I have to deal with this. I just have no idea what to say.

Again my inner monolog and I are interrupted. This time by Angel. “Buffy, could I talk to you.”

Damn! Not only do I have to make an appointment to monolog, now I have to deal with my feelings for Angel, which - let me just say - not easy to explain.

I follow him to the hall outside the library like a death row convict on her last, long walk.

“Buffy, what’s going on?”

“Whaddya mean? We’re researching. Ergo, research is going on.”

“You know what I mean, Buffy! What’s going on between us? Why were you kissing Spike of all people? Was it to get back at me?”

“Wow, ego much?” Ooops. That slipped out.

“Then explain to me what’s going on, Buffy! Don’t you love me anymore?”

I stare at Angel quietly for quite some time. I’ve been avoiding this conversation successfully for almost a week and I’m frustrated that I can’t think of a single way to stay avoidy.

I finally take a deep breath. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know.” Angel looks like this was exactly the answer he was expecting. Not!

“Yes, Angel. I have no idea. Less than ten days ago I was reconciling myself with the necessity of killing you! Seven days ago you tried very hard and almost successfully to kill me. I can’t go from needing to kill you back to everything is lovey-dovey between us just like that! It’s not that simple! I still don’t understand why you couldn’t love me without a soul!”

“I explained that!” Angel’s frustrated now. “Vampires don’t love! The have no souls!”

“Spike did.”

I say it so quietly that I don’t think Angel hears me until he explodes. “Is that what this is all about? Spike hasn’t always had a soul, you know!”

I stare at Angel once I realize what he just said. “How did you know he has a soul? I never told you and you weren’t around when I told Giles and Willow.”

I could just tell. Ever since he reappeared. I can’t believe you’re punishing me with Spike because I made you feel unloved when I had no soul!”

Tears are running down my face as I once again struggle to feel anger towards a man in my life. “No! God! How can you think that? Have I ever manipulated you like that? Isn’t that more an Angelus thing?”

Angel has the good grace to look chagrinned. “No, you haven’t...but Buffy, I don’t understand what’s going on between you and Spike!”

“Join the club. Angel, I’m sorry if you’re getting hurt and I wish I could tell you exactly what I feel and why. For all I really know everything Spike and I feel right now is all because of some spell. All I can say is that right now I have feelings for him and I need to act on those feelings.”

Angel runs his hands roughly through his hair which makes it stand up more on end than usual. “Okay, Buffy, but you can’t expect me to sit and watch you figure out your feelings for a guy I can’t stand. Give me a call when you figure yourself out,” and just like that he takes off down the hall in a flurry of self righteousness.

I stand stunned like a deer on the highway as I realize that Angel must have known about Spike’s soul when he tried to convince me to stake Spike right after he reappeared in the living room of the mansion. Luckily this time there’s no inner monolog to interrupt when Spike’s voice drifts over my shoulder.

“So that’s it then, there’s definitely a spell makin’ us have feelings for each other?”

I whirl around at his voice, which makes me want to cry it’s so dejected. “No!”

“Spike, I...we don’t know what’s going on. Giles hasn’t actually found any evidence of a spell affecting our emotions and it doesn’t feel like a spell to me. It feels real and old like I’ve loved you for a long time even though I don’t remember it.”

I’m crying again. So much for not being a little Cry-Buffy.

Spike opens his arms and I throw myself into a long, strong hug before I can blink.

So much for being mad at Spike.





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