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Chapter 4

“Xander!” I panic when I realize I’m not fast enough to stop him. On the other hand Angel is twice as far from the table as I am and he has plenty of time to catch Xander’s arm and force him to drop the stake.

Xander starts yelling at Angel accusing him of being Angelus and coming to kill us all when Giles’ voice interrupts him, “Angel! Let Xander go now! Xander! Sit down and be quiet until we’ve had a chance to clear everything up! Angelus is in possession of his soul and I daresay he will be harming no one tonight.”

“But. . .” Xander starts to protest when Giles swings around and glares at him. I’ve never seen Giles look so scary before.

“I don’t understand, Xander.” Willow’s quiet voice floats up from the wheelchair Angelus’ minions put her in. I can’t help but notice Angel hasn’t looked in her direction since he walked into the library. “You know I was going to try the soul restoration spell last night. You were supposed to tell Buffy to stall to give me time.”

Shocked, I swing around to face Xander just in time to catch him trying to hide a guilty look. “Is that true, Xander? Were you supposed to tell me Willow was trying to restore Angel’s soul again? All I remember was you passing on her message to kick his ass.”

“I never said. . .” Willow sputters in indignation before Xander interrupts her.

“I didn’t want you to be distracted when you went up against Evil Undead!”

“Enough!” Giles’ voice echoes like a gunshot through the room. Continuing in a more reasonable tone, “Now, Buffy if you could review the events of last night’s apocalypse?”

I enlighten the group about Spike’s truce, his efforts on Giles behalf (which made Angel noticeably squirm), Whistler’s prophecy, the fight and Spike’s dependability as well as his actions to save my life. By the time I get to the part where Spike is sucked into Acathla my chest is tight and my eyes burn.

“That’s that part that confuses me, Giles.” I say “Whistler specifically said that only Angel’s blood would close the portal if it was opened. Why was Spike able to close it?”

“Well to be honest I’m not all that sure. . .” Giles gets out before Angel interrupts with the first words he’s said all evening.

“It’s the same blood.”

“Huh? Still not so understandy here.”

“The same blood. Dru’s got my blood because I sired her and Spike’s got hers. What I don’t understand is why Spike helped you in the first place.”

“Yeah, not something Angelus would ever consider, huh?” I blurt out before thinking. Off Angel’s devastated look I quickly say “Oh Angel, I’m sorry. . .”

“Why are you sorry Buff?” Xander spits out angrily. “It’s not as if you’re wrong; as Ms. Calendar discovered to her infinite regret.”

It’s Giles turn to blanch and I give Xander a dirty look that temporarily shuts him up.

“Well,” Giles clears his throat, “lets continue. I understand that Buffy was considered a fugitive by the police yesterday and I want to reassure everyone that the matter has been taken care of. Willow, Xander and I gave brief statements yesterday exonerating Buffy and all she needs to do is go down to the station and give a statement yourself.” Giles turns to me, “I understand your mother intends to take you tonight after we‘re done here, correct?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m expected down there some time tomorrow to give a more thorough statement as I believe are Willow, Xander and Cordelia. Is that so?”

There’s a chorus of affirmative responses.

“As for the dream you had last night, Buffy, I’ve researched the portal and Acathla but all I could discover is that Acathla sends anyone who enters its portal to a. . .” Giles looks down at some scribbled notes and quotes, “‘hell of their own devising.’ Unfortunately that doesn’t actually give us any concrete information on what could be happening with Spike right now. I assume the passage implies that the hell differs from person to person depending upon what that individual considers hell to be. If so, then only Spike can tell us how to find his particular hell dimension. As he’s not available, we’re at an impasse with regards to figuring out what the dream means. Hopefully it was just a simple nightmare and won’t reoccur.”

“I hope you‘re right. I can do without a repeat of Lynch-o-rama!” I turn to Angel, “What about Dru?” I admit. I’m curious what Angel did with his erstwhile lover.

“She won’t bother you ever again, Buffy.” Angel replies with an earnest puppy expression that would have melted my heart a few months ago. As it is I feel a twinge of affection, but I’m still having trouble separating Angel from Angelus. Maybe I would have had an easier time forgiving him if I’d had to send him to hell to close the portal, but Spike took care of that. Or, to be honest, Drusilla did. Either way, the fact remains that I don’t feel the same about Angel as I did before he lost his soul and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to feel that way about him again.

My reverie is interrupted by the most loathsome voice in existence.

“I thought I expelled you yesterday, Summers! What are you doing on campus?”

“Expelled!?!?!” My mom’s voice has that sharp brittle quality that means I’m in for it when I finally get home.

Oh shit! I totally forgot I was expelled! It says something about your life when being expelled is the least upsetting thing that happens to you in a day. I turn to Snyder and start to offer my most innocent smile when Giles speaks up.

“I’m sure you’re remembering incorrectly, Principal Snyder. After all, as I told the police last night, it’s likely neither Willow nor I would be alive today if it weren’t for Miss Summer’s intervention when we were being attacked. I’ll be at the police department tomorrow where I’ll give a more detailed account of Miss Summers bravery and if you want me to overlook the sad state of school security that made the attack on us and Miss Kendra’s death possible, especially when I’m speaking to the press that will most assuredly have gathered, then I suspect you’ll not only reconsider Miss Summer’s expulsion you’ll agree she deserve public commendation by the school.”

Snyder bristles like an impotent boar. “Don’t try your empty threats on me, Rupert. You’ll find I’m no pushover.”

“Why I’m quite sure I have no idea what you are talking about. I assure you,” Giles pulls himself up taller and the scary expression he aimed at Xander earlier returns, “If I were to threaten you it would not be an empty one and you would live to regret provoking my wrath.”

I’ll admit it’s fun watching Snyder visibly shrink away from Giles. He makes one or two empty threats but the end result is that although I shouldn’t expect any commendations in the near future; I’m free to return to school in the morning. Come to think of it, if I had only waited a day before sicking Giles on Snyder I could have had a three day weekend. Damn!

As soon as Snyder leaves the room I burst into laughter. “Way to go Scary Giles!”

“Buffy, it’s getting late and we still need to get to the police station. Are you almost through here?” I can tell my mom’s starting to reach the end of her wig quotient for the day.

“Yeah, Mom, unless you still need us, Giles?”

“What? Oh. . . no. . . I think we’re done here for now. Please call me at once if you experience any more odd dreams.”

“Will do!” I feel fairly good for a recently wanted, formerly expelled seventeen year old until I see Angel hovering by the door. Crap! There’s no way by him without an uncomfortable confrontation that I am so not in the mood for.

“Buffy, can we talk?”

Sighing I turn to my mother, “Mom? Why don’t you go start the car and I’ll be right out?”

“Okay Buffy, but don’t be long. Detective Stein requested that we be at the station by 8:00.”

“I won’t.” I turn to Angel expectantly.

Angel looks back at the Scoobs uncomfortably. “Do you think we can go someplace private?”

“I don’t really have time right now, Angel, what with the pressing police matter I have to deal with.” Once again the sad puppy face breaks my resolve and I sigh in defeat. “Why don’t I stop by the mansion tomorrow after school?”

“Alright.” Angel starts out the door before hesitating and turning back. “You know I love you, don’t you Buffy?”

He catches me off guard and there’s a split second before I manage to pin a smile on my face. “Yes, Angel. I know.”

Except I don’t, really. I’ve been questioning a lot of the conventional wisdom I was taught regarding vampires since last night. I believe Spike loved Dru. Why would he have done what he did last night if he didn’t love her. If Spike was capable of loving without a soul then why wasn’t Angelus? If Angelus was incapable of love did that mean that Angel isn’t capable of it either?

Unfortunately, I think my inner turmoil shows on my face and Angel sighs sadly before turning back for the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Buffy.”

“Yeah, see you then.”



Intense depression. Despair. Utter despair.

Something (someone?) I love has died and it’s all my fault. If I had only been smarter or faster or luckier. If I hadn’t taken something for granted there never would have been a threat. Someone, yes I’m sure it’s a someone, is gone forever and there are a million ways I could have saved them.

Self disgust. I was given a mission. I made a promise and I’d be expected to keep it. I deserve to have to stick around and keep it. They (she?) would have wanted me to. I have to protect someone since I failed to protect her. It’s no wonder I’m a failure I’m nothing. I’m no one. Everything I once was has been taken away from me. I’m not even the pathetic (ineffectual, feeble, low, useless, worthless) being I was before.

A brief moment of utter joy before happiness burns and scalds and becomes torment. Even happiness is hell in its brevity.

She’s back but it’s worse than when she was dead. At least dead she couldn’t look at me as if I were nothing. I am I am I am nothing how could I have hoped she wouldn’t see that. Beneath her. . .beneath them. . .beneath everyone and everything that at least knows its identity. Can’t be a monster (monster?); can’t be a man (man?). Good only for one thing. One brief touch of heaven before the rug is pulled beneath my feet (she liked the rug).

Confusion.

Does she care? (no spark) Could she love? (no trust) Confounded. Slip back into old ways. Force the square through the round opening. Force.

Horror! Run away! Run forever! Run and get the spark she needs.

Pain! Fiery pain. . .self loathing. . .immolation. They put the spark in me. Not enough - never enough. No love for me. Never love for me.

Laughter. . .bitter but pure. White hot burning like the sun taking the bastards with me. We’ll all burn in hell together to see how it ends.

I wake up with tears streaming down my face and soaking my pillow. Depression weighs my limbs down as if I were trapped under a mountain of pain that grows exponentially with every moment. A sob escapes my throat and the bedroom door opens as my mother rushes in.

“Buffy, honey, what’s wrong?”

I don’t know. I can’t think of anything I should be so upset about. Sure Xander lied to me and Angel has become something I don’t understand but neither event should cause this overwhelming despair.

“I don’t know” and I break into tears wrapped in my mother’s comforting arms.

After a few minutes I feel the weight lift. I give my mom a gentle squeeze and pull back.

“I feel much better, though.”

“What was it that upset you so much?”

“I still don’t know, Mom, but I think I had another dream. It was bad.”

“Oh,” Mom nods understandingly. I wish she’d share her wisdom because I have no idea what’s going on. I better report this to Giles.

“It’s time for school Buffy and if anything cures dream induced doldrums it’s pancakes so get ready while I make breakfast.”

“Can I have funny shapes?”

My mom smiles back in the way that makes everything alright again, “Of course.”



After reporting my dream to Giles I head to the mansion like a convict heads towards the electric chair. At least Giles is in a good mood. Research makes him happy and a mystery sends him into fits of joy. He hopes to have something about the dreams by tomorrow. My footsteps slow as I approach the door. Sigh. Once more into the breach. What! I read!

Angel is standing near the fireplace in standard brooding hero pose. I clear my voice and he turns.

“Buffy. Come on in.”

“Whadya wanna talk about?” The bright smile on my face is so wide I think my jaws will crack but I can’t seem to stop. I feel like the Joker. Angel seems to pick up on my nervousness and he directs me to a new couch placed, ironically, where Acathla stood two nights before. The realization makes my stomach clench and I think I may lose my lunch. I sit down

“Buffy, I wanted to apologize for everything Angelus did. I still don’t remember everything but what I do recall seems pretty bad.”

“It was.” I guess I should say more, but then I’m not the one who wanted this conversation.

“I wanted to make sure you knew that I still love you very much.”

The smile finally drops off my face. My cheeks hurt and I can feel my eyes start to water. “If you love me so much how come Angelus didn’t?”

Angel blinks in surprise, “Buffy, Angelus didn’t have a soul. Vampires can’t love without a soul.”

“Spike could.” Tears are falling down my face and I’m starting to get angry. “Spike loved Dru so much he made a deal with his mortal enemy and helped me defeat Angelus. Spike even saved my life even though it wasn’t part of the deal. How come Spike could love without a soul but Angelus couldn’t.”

I can see Angel’s starting to get angry as well. “What’s all this about Spike!?!?! What was going on between you two while I was. . .”

“WHAT?!?!?! Exactly what are you accusing me of, Angel? Spike and I made a truce so that he could get Drusilla away from you and so that I could save the world from Acathla. There was nothing else going on! Where exactly do you get off with this attitude after killing Ms. Calendar and trying to kill everyone else I love?”

“Buffy, you have to know that wasn’t me. . .”

“Do I?” Tears slip off my chin and fall to the scorched floor. “Why do I have to know it wasn’t you? Exactly what is a soul anyway? Why did you want to hurt me so much if you love me? Why couldn’t you love me without the soul? What’s wrong with me?!?!?!”

During my little freak out the place where my tears hit the floor start to steam; then start to smoke. I stop my tirade and jump back in surprise when the smoke bellows up into a swirling column which coalesces into a skeleton. A roaring sound erupts from the swirling mass as it seems to grow muscle tissue and skin. The roar increases in volume until it becomes a howl of pain as the form becomes recognizable.

As the clamor dies down a naked and badly burned Spike falls to the floor unconscious.





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