Twenty Five after NIne
Well I wonder could it be
When I was dreaming 'bout you baby
You were dreaming of me
She's thought of him every day—and night—since they met. But she never expected him to even look at her.
And in a way, he never did. They became friends a few months after he moved to Sunnydale, Buffy tried to push her feelings back, but she just couldn't do it. She'd been able to make it so that Will, or 'Spike' as he tried to get her to call him, never figured it out. As far as he was concerned, she was just the girl that hung around them…the girl, the friend, but never the girlfriend.
Which was actually okay with Buffy, she knew she wasn't in his league. She was just little old Buffy—honor roll and never skipping class Buffy—and he was the school bad boy—ditching class and in danger of failing…they wouldn't work together. Or at least that's what she told herself.
It still hurt though.
Call me crazy, call me blind
To still be suffering is stupid after all of this time
Hurt that he was gone. And that he had gone with her.
Did I lose my love to someone better
And does she love you like I do
I do, you know I really, really do
Buffy wasn't sure how much Cicely loved Spike…or if she even really did. But she knew she loved him. Knew she still wanted him back. Even now.
Well hey
So much I need to say
Been lonely since the day
The day you went away
So sad but true
For me there's only you
Been crying since the day
The day you went away
She never got the chance to really show him how sorry she was. Sorry for how their relationship had turned out in the end. She'd slowly pushed him away as he and Cicely grew closer.
He saw it as her being a bad friend. Only she knew she was doing it because it just hurt too much to see them together day after day and know that by her own choice they'd never have that.
In the end they were both hurt, possibly beyond repair—and it was all because of her. She saw that now, saw how her silence, her omissions had hurt them irreparably.
I remember date and time
September twenty second
Sunday twenty five after nine
In the doorway with your case
No longer shouting at each other
There were tears on our faces
It was the last thing she expected from her Will. He got bad grades in school, sure, but that was all by choice—he really was a good guy. The reliable kind. The steady, always there kind..
He was one of the smartest people she'd ever—or would ever—meet.
But there he'd been on that beautiful Sunday night.
He had a suitcase in hand and at first she thought he was just dropping by to say he was going away for a few days, but then she looked at him.
Saw it in his eyes.
His oh so beautiful eyes.
He wasn't coming back.
She begged him to stay, prepared to tell him that she was in love with him, that she could love him better than Cicely ever could.
But she didn't.
Once again, good-girl Buffy let fear dictate her life.
And lost everything she ever needed or wanted.
He explained that Cicely was moving to London and since there was really nothing keeping him in California—her heart had broken with that statement—he was going to live with his uncle. See if he couldn't get things back together.
She hadn't expected him to cry. Hadn't thought he had that much feeling left in him for her.
But when he did, her broken heart crumbled into millions of tiny little pieces.
In trying to do what was right, what was safe, what was easy, she'd hurt him more than she'd thought possible.
And we were letting go of something special
Something we'll never have again
I know, I guess I really, really know
Why do we never know what we've got 'til it's gone
They had the kind of love that could have been great. It was real and true. It was special, but at the same time, it could never be. She'd made sure of it. And she'd never hate herself for anything more. Ever.
How could I carry on
The day you went away
Cause I've been missing you so much I have to say
Been crying since the day
The day you went away
The day you went away
The day you went away
THE END
Author's Chapter Notes:
I tried posting at 9:25 this morning, but the semi far away Hurricane Rita was causing my internet to act up, so you get it now...it's 9:25 in Germany, I think;) And also, I don't know how much Learning Curve got lost in all the updates yesterday, so I thought I'd mention that it was updated yesterday.