Buffy woke up and slowly opened her eyes. She looked around the room that was dimly lit by a couple of candles. She imediantly recognized that she was not at her own home.
She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
As she did, she felt something close behind her move slightly. A small smile played on her lips as she wriggled her way back against a cool, soft body.
In his sleep, Spike tightened his arms around Buffy. The gesture making Buffy relax even more.
One of Spike's arms was stretched out under the pillow that they shared. And he was resting his head on it, making Buffy positive that it would be numb by morning. His other arm had somehow found its way under Buffy's tank top, lightly cupping one of her breasts in his palm. Not in a sexual way. Just in a content way. Buffy knew that Spike was unaware of where his hands were because he is a very heavy sleeper.
She had shared his bed with him, like this for two weeks now. Every night she would wake up in his arms for a few minutes or hours and just take in everything about her life and the world that went on around her. Then she would drift back to sleep for a few more hours.
Tonight her thoughts were on her first nights back.
She had felt so lost and alone when she had finally managed to crawl out of her own grave. Not to mention terrified. She spent so long afterwards feeling disorientated. Even after Dawn had found her and brought her home. Buffy just felt empty.
Until she saw the look in Spike's eyes when he had realized that she was the real Buffy.
Six thoughts at once I can't focus on one
Seven days a week but my life has just begun
So caught in emotion and I'm overcome
As I'm falling down I come undone
Spike saw how badly bruised and bloody her hands were and he straight away went to help her with them. Buffy noticed how he seemed almost scared to touch her. As if he were still uncertain that she was real and not some dream. Or maybe Spike knew that she felt crowded and was willing to give her as much space as she needed.
They sat down together and he took her hands in his. Buffy felt so much safer when she was with Spike. He made her feel normal again and all he did was look into her eyes. Like he was searching her soul.
Sometimes I feel like I'm alone
Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong
Sometimes I feel so frail so small
Sometimes I feel vulnerable
Sometimes I feel a little fragile
A little fragile
Spike didnt her like the others did. They had brought her back. If it wasn't for them she would still be in heaven, feeling at peace. Instead she has been forced back on earth to go on like she normally does.
Un-like Willow and the others, Spike knew that she wasn't the same. She was still Buffy, but not completely adjusted to everything yet. Her friends however expected her to be the same. To get over being dead as if it were nothing more then a common cold.
When they had barged into the house, they swarmed around her and asked her stupid questions. They didnt even notice when Spike slipped past everyone and went out the door. Buffy noticed.
She can remember feeling a little scared that he would leave her so easily. Sure he only left because of the others, but it still hurt. How her friends could cause so much pain and damage to so many people and not know it was beyond Buffy.
When it became to much, Buffy quickly excused herself and went upstairs to her bedroom. Which thankfully was still hers.
In six thousand years what will this mean
Words from the heart or a melody
So caught in emotion and I'm overcome
As I'm falling down I come undone
He doesn't know. And she'll never tell him. But she saw him crying that night. She watched him from her bedroom window as he sobed behind a tree in her front yard. The sight caused a few of her own tears to fall because she knew that he was crying for her.
Buffy had accepted that Spike loved her before she died. Yet seeing him so torn up because of her pain only proved it more. If only he would come back to her so that they could find strength with each other.
She watched as he pushed Xander into the tree. She couldn't hear what was being said but she knew that Spike was angry that they had brought her back. Not because he wanted her to stay dead, or that he wasn't thrilled to have her back. No he was mad because they had used black magic to do so. And not one of them really thought about where she had been or what happened to her.
Sometimes I feel like I'm alone
Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong
Sometimes I feel nothing at all
Sometimes I feel vulnerable
Sometimes I feel a little fragile
A little fragile
Buffy watched as Spike struggled to keep his emotions under controll before he got on a motercycle. Which she was a little suprised to see. She watched him drive off and when she couldnt see him anymore she turned around and layed down on her bed and tried to find some peace in sleep.
Buffy was still getting used to everything. Now she could laugh and love with her friends and she could do her job with Giles. All this was because of Spike.
She remembered when she had first come to Spike.
It was the same night that she had killed the hitchhiker that had followed her back. She had gone to bed that night but couldnt get any sleep. Everytime she tried, she would fear that she was back in her coffin. Or that she would open her eyes and find out that she really was in hell.
She made up her mind and got out of bed. Putting her boots on and grabbing her coat, she climbed out of her window. Like she had on many nights to go out on patrol. Once outside she started walking in the direction of Spike's cemetary.
When she reached his crypt door, she hesitated for a minute and just stood still. Finding the courage that she needed she opened the door and let herself in.
Spike was sitting in his arm chair, drinking what she asumed was whisky or some other achaolic drink. He looked over at her and was suprised to see her. He got to his feet and stood still, waiting for her to do something.
" 'Ello Luv" he greeted her
Buffy pulled her coat tighter around herself and moved closed into the room. Keeping her gaze off him.
"You alright there Pet?" He asked. Concern deep in his voice.
Finally she looked up at him and shook her head.
"C'mon sit down" he gestured to the now vacant chair.
Buffy sat down and Spike kneeled infront of her. He reached out and gently pushed her hair behind her ear.
"What happened?" he asked
"I nearly died tonight" She replied in a soft tone "A demon attacked me"
Spike's eyes went wide with shock. Not at her nearly dying by a demon attack. What scared him was the fact that she could be taken away from him and he might not even know it.
"There was this thing that came back with me" She explained "It needed to kill me so that it could stay here"
"What happened?" he asked "Did you..."
"I killed it" she replied
They stayed silent for a few minutes. Buffy was looking down at her lap and Spike was looking at his forgoten bottle of whiskey.
"Did this thing come from the hell you were in?" Spike asked carefull not to sound to eager to know incase the topic still stung for her.
Buffy shook her head and looked up at him. Tears filled her hazel eyes.
"What is it?" he asked as he watched the tears form.
"I - I wasnt in Hell, Spike" Buffy replied
Spike looked confused so Buffy quickly continued.
"I was in Heaven. They took me out of Heaven" She said before breaking down into sobs.
Spike took her into his arms and craddled her as she cried. He didnt say a word. He just held her. After Buffy's tears had stopped, she stayed in Spikes arms.
"Do the others know?" Spike asked softly into her ear. Her head shaking was his only answer. "I new something like this would happen" he muttered to himself
Buffy pulled back and looked at him. "New what would happen?" she asked sniffling to keep away more tears.
"Red used some pretty big bad magic to..." began but trailed off "...She just didnt think about every possibility. Didnt think that you might not actually be in, you know? She didnt think that you might come back wrong, or if you'd be different" said Spike getting annoyed at Willow all over again.
"Where did you think I was?" she asked
Spike smiled slightly "I liked to think you were with ya Mum up in Heaven"
"I think I was"
"Do you remember anything?" he asked "About where you were?"
She shook her head "It gets fuzzier the longer i'm back"
Spike nodded his head once to show that he understood.
"But I know that I was happy. I was happy and at peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time..." she stopped and looked down again.
"Hey" he said, placing a hand on her knee. She looked back up at him "S'ok Buffy. If you dont want to talk about it you dont have to. I'm not forcing you"
This was why she felt safe when he was around. He never pushed her. If she wanted to talk he would let her talk. If she wanted to keep silent then he would let her do just that.
"Time didn't mean anything" she continued. Glad that she could finally let this burden off her chest. "Nothing had form...but I was still me, you know?"
"I get it" he replied
"I was warm... and I was loved... and I was finished. Complete" she continued, looking deep into his blue eyes. The tears came back and began to roll down her cheeks. "And now I'm not" she sobbed
Spike kept his distance and didnt hug her this time. he knew that she needed to say this. Needed to stop living with this burden.
"I was torn out of there. Pulled out...by my friends" she stopped and looked around the room while she continued "Everything here is..." Buffy found each word harder and harder to say "...Hard, and bright, and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch..." She looked back at him "This is Hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that..." she paused and then whispeared "Knowing what I've lost... Its just really hard"
If people can see right through my eyes
Like an open door that I can't disguise
I won't be afraid from the tears I cry
I'll not run I'll not hide this is how I feel inside
A little fragile
A little fragile
"No one would expect you to be alright after that Buffy" said Spike "Are you going to tell them?"
"What would I say?" she asked
"I have no clue" he admited "Why - why are you telling me?"
Buffy shrugged slightly "I needed to tell someone"
"Im so sorry you had to go through all of this Buffy" he said saddly "I wish I could make it better for you. Wish I could change things"
Buffy nodded "Do you think its wrong of me to want to go back?" she asked
"Not at all Luv" he replied "But you know you cant right?" he asked "Not yet anyway"
"Why?" she challenged
"So many reasons" he replied "Theres Dawn for one. She'd be cut to pieces if she lost you again. Everyone would. Rupert, Red, Xander..." Spike turned his head away from her and whispered "...Me"
"Spike?" She called out his name and he looked back at her "You really love me dont you?"
Suprised by the question, Spike slowly nodded his head "More than anything in the world" he told her.
Buffy closed her eyes and leaned back into the chair.
"You should get home to bed" Spike suggested "Your tired"
Buffy opened her eyes and shook her head.
"No" she said "I want - I mean can I - " she babbled and trailed off
"Anything you want Buffy" he replied
"Can I sleep with you, Spike?" she asked looking into his eyes.
Thats when she new that Spike had changed. The old Spike would have made some smart remark. But this Spike simply nodded and stood up.
He reached a hand out to her and she accepted. Spike slowly led her to the lower half of his home. He took her to the bed and she sat down on the edge.
Spike took her shoes and coat off. Then he pulled the blankets down and helped her get under the covers. Taking off his own boots and jacket, Spike crawled in next to her and wrapped his arms around her. He didnt get any sleep but was happy that she could.
When Buffy woke up that morning, Spike was looking at her. Feeling shy, Buffy thanked him and left.
She came back the next night. And the next. After awhile Spike began to fall asleep along with her. They wouldnt say much. Just curl up against one another and rest. Sometimes Buffy would bring or wear her own pajamas and other times she would borrow one of Spike's shirts to wear.
Spike never once asked for anything. He never tried to turn what they had into something sexual. He was just content to make her happy, anyway that he could.
The fact that he was a Vampire, who was sleeping at night got Buffy a little upset at one stage. She was convinced that she was ruining his un-life. But Spike completely disagreed with her.
"Your not making me stay with you" he had told her.
It was weird. But the only time Buffy could truely find peace was in his arms at night. She cared about Spike deeply. It wasnt love. At least not the love he had for her. But it was something. Spike was her friend. Her sanctuary. No one knew that she spent every night here. If they did they hadn't said anything.
One night, Spike sang to her, to lull her to sleep. She cant remember the song. Only that it sounded beautifull coming from him.
Buffy turned over so that she was now facing him. As she did, his hands moved and wrapped around her back. Pulling her closer.
"Thank you" she whispered.
She kissed his lips softly then rested her forehead against his own. Her hands resting against his chest. She closed her eyes and drifted back to sleep, in his arms.
Sometimes I feel like I'm alone
Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong
Sometimes I feel so frail so small
Sometimes I feel vulnerable
Sometimes I feel a little fragile
It was going to take a long time for her to feel normal again. But with Spike's help she knew that she could do it. Maybe her Heaven was right here on earth. In his arms
THE END
Author's Chapter Notes:
Based on the song "Fragile" by Delta Goodrem. This story came to me in a dream and it suites the song so I put the two together. Some dialoge takin from the end of "After Life"