[Reviews - 72]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Microsoft Word Chapter or Story | ePub eBook Chapter or Story | Printer Chapter or Story

Has been viewed 2367 times

- Text Size +




Xander couldn't believe how he let Spike get to him. What made him think that he was so insightful? Spouting out opinions about him as if he actually knew him. Please, Spike wouldn't know a real human emotion if it jumped out and staked him. These thoughts of denial claimed Xander's brain trying to replace the thought that every single syllable that came out of Spike's mouth was the gospel truth. After he finally gave into the harsh truths of Spike's words, Xander spent the rest of his sleepless night trying to find a way to make things up to Anya.

***************************************************

Willow awoke from a wonderful dream about Tara slightly before the sun had risen. It was one of those dreams that had made you feel so warm and happy inside that when you woke up all you felt was calm and peaceful. Then reality set in once again when she realized that it was in fact only a dream and that Tara was really gone. Tears cascaded down her face and she buried her head in her pillow as she sobbed.

Willow spent the rest of the day sulking in bed. She felt no reason to get up or get dressed. The love of her life was gone now and things would never be the same again. How could she go on knowing that she would never again see the love in Tara's eyes or the looks that she gave her that made her feel like the most special person on earth? When you grieve, every day is supposed to get a little bit better, so then why did these feelings seem to be getting worse?

Willow finally decided to get out of the bed that Joyce Summers had once occupied. She was so grateful that Buffy had let her come back and stay with them. After everything that had happened she never thought that she would be forgiven. She never fully realized how wonderful her friends really were. For them to forgive her for her sins and continue to help her cope was priceless. She really loved each and every one of them but even that didn't seem to be enough to drag her out of her depression. To be without Tara was to try and live without breath. It was almost impossible to function on a daily basis and every time she smiled or felt happy even for a second, she couldn't help but feel guilty. How could she let herself feel any kind of happiness knowing that Tara was gone forever?

She finally decided that maybe it would make her feel better to go visit her at her grave for a while. She desperately needed to talk to Tara and knew deep down in her heart that she would hear every word. Walking across the moonlit cemetery, she stopped when she saw the large tree that stood beside her grave. It was a willow tree. She had purposely picked that spot as if it would somehow bond them together even when they couldn't be. Willow started walking closer to the grave but once again stopped when she spotted Spike sitting on the ground in front of it, curled up with his knees toward his chin. She could tell he was talking but couldn't make out the words so she got a little closer but hid herself out of view.

"...so that's how I got my soul, he said. I did it for her you know. She forgave me....for hurting her, even though I bloody well don't deserve it. She actually said she missed me, can you believe that? I almost felt my heart start beating when she said it. She probably still won't ever love me but I don't regret what I've done. Even though this bloody soul hurts like hell, it makes me feel like more of a man. Hopefully the kind of man that Buffy would some day want to be with but I won't hold my breath, not that it would matter much since I don't have to breathe,” he babbled. “Anyway, enough about me. Willow really misses you. I can really see the pain in her eyes when she thinks about how she's lost you. All of this is just really unfair. You had your troubles but you two always seemed so happy together. You were meant to be. I always thought that. Of course it's this soul that is making me actually admit it out loud. Otherwise I would have just kept it to myself in fear of sounding like a bloody poof."

Spike suddenly heard a rustling sound mixed with the faint sound of laughter. He turned around to see Willow standing behind him.

"Willow....how long have you been here?" he asked.

"Oh, since right before Buffy forgave you all the way through bloody poof." She smiled.

"I was trying to have a private conversation here, Red."

"Sorry." Willow sat down beside him. "I was just coming here to have a little chat with Tara myself. I didn't mean to eavesdrop. I just couldn't help myself."

"That's ok. I didn't say anything you haven't heard me say before." Spike shrugged.

"Well, except for you thinking that Tara and I were made for each other. I never knew you felt that way."

"Yeah, well I do." He looked down shyly and started playing with the grass. "Every time I saw you two together, I couldn't help but wish that someone would love me like that someday. It was different with me and Dru. We spent a lifetime together but I still don't think she ever loved me the way I loved her. I think she was just overly lacking in the sanity department to really know what she wanted. I knew she wasn't completely devoted to me and I was constantly reminded of that every time Angelus was around. She dumped me like yesterday's trash when he came around again, like the past century meant nothing. But it was different with you and Tara. You birds had the kind of relationship where you'd never want to be with anyone else but each other. I admire that." He looked at her with a respectful smile. "All I ever wanted was the kind of love that you two had. After 128 years you'd think it would have at least happened once but I'm starting to think that it just wasn't meant to be."

Willow studied him sadly. She had never really thought about it that way. She had never realized that Spike was never completely loved by another. What she had with Tara made her feel extremely lucky, even though their time together was cut short. Her heart ached for Spike. It must be horrible to think that you will never get the chance to have that kind of love. She could tell he loved with his whole heart and never having that love fully returned must be devastating.

"Well, I'll leave you two lovebirds alone to have your chat" Spike stood up.

"Thanks Spike. I'll stop by your crypt for a while after I talk to Tara. Is that ok?"

"Sure pet. We can talk more if you like."

Spike returned to his crypt and left Willow and Tara their privacy under the willow tree.

"Hey Tara." Willow greeted. "Things are so hard without you here with me. I really don't know how I've lasted this long. I miss you more than you could ever possibly imagine. I want you to know that I am doing well with the magicks. I've gone completely cold turkey this time. I know I've said that before and look what happened. But this time I truly mean it. No magical supplies will ever touch my hands. No chants will ever come from my lips. Never again. I love you too much for that. Spike was right; I have to do right by you. I have to make you proud."

Willow sat by the grave in silence after that as if awaiting a response. She just felt so comfortable there that she couldn't bring herself to leave yet. She felt warm and comforted as if Tara was right there with her.

***********************************************

Xander arrived at Anya's door with a bouquet of red roses and an apologetic smile. Anya wasn't sure what he was up to. She figured he just felt guilty and wanted to come over for some make-up sex.

He led her over to the couch while remaining silent. She sat down and he held her hands in his own while he sat down next to her on the edge of the sofa. He looked into her eyes and swept a strand of hair away from her face. She smiled at his gentleness.

"You know I love you right?" he finally spoke.

"Well, yeah I used to think so but..." Her voice faded.

"Well I do. I thought a lot about what you said and I understand why you were so angry with me. I do spend too much of my time and energy on Buffy. It's just that we've been friends for a really long time and I just don't want to see her get hurt."

"Xander, if you really love her I don't want you wasting your time on me. I promise I won't punish you by the way of vengeance. I'm over that now. But I don't want you to pretend to want to be with me if you really want to be with her."

"I don't want to be with Buffy. I want to be with you. There was a part of me that was afraid that I may still be hung up on her but every time I tried to let myself think about being with her, I just kept thinking about you. I love her. She's my friend but that's all she is. I couldn't bare it if I thought I lost you again."

With that he gave her hand a soft squeeze and lowered himself to the floor on one knee.

"You mean the world to me. I love you with everything I am and I was stupid to have ever had any doubts about us. I realize I'm not my father and never will be. My parents have a horrible relationship and it kills me to see how my father treats my mother. But that's not me and I won't let that stop me ever again from wanting to be with the one girl that has made me happier than I ever thought I could be. Anya, will you please marry me?"

Tears formed in Anya's eyes. She tried to stop herself from crying but finally gave up and let the tears fall.

"Are you sure Xander? Do you really mean it this time? Cause I couldn't handle having my heart broken by you twice."

"I've never been more sure of anything in all my life. I promise you that." Xander gave her a sincere smile. "I will never let you down ever, ever again. I want to be with you forever. I couldn't even imagine a life without you."

"If that's what you really feel, then YES! Yes of course I want to marry you!" she exclaimed.

She gave him a hug and held on so tight he thought she'd never let go. He pulled back from her just far enough to give her a very sensual slow and lingering kiss. She pulled back from him and looked at him with a very serious expression.

"There is just one little problem Xander."

"What is it?" he asked, his tone worried.

"This time, I want to have a small wedding. Without all the relatives."

He grinned. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

******************************************************

Spike sat in his favorite chair in his crypt trying to figure out a way to tell Buffy everything that had happened to him since he left. Should he just come out and say it? Should he start slow and give her every little detail first? Or should he just let her do the talking and answer her questions as they come?

He jumped a little as the door to his crypt opened and interrupted his thoughts. Buffy walked in looking a little nervous.

"Hey." She greeted him with a small smile. "Is it a good time for us to have that talk now?"

"Sure pet." He answered. "You know I always have time for you."

She sat down near him and took a deep breath trying to slow her heart rate down but it didn't work. She was a bundle of nerves and had no idea where this conversation was going to lead.

"So, where have you been all this time and why did you just leave like that? You didn't even let anyone know."

Spike sighed. He was relieved that Buffy was taking charge in this because he never would have known where to start.

"To answer your first question, I went to Africa. As for your second, who would I have told? In case you've forgotten everybody hated me, including you. I didn't even think it would have mattered to you that I left. I thought you would have been delighted to have me gone."

"First of all I didn't hate you. And as for being glad you took off, you couldn't have been more wrong. I did miss you Spike. You can't have someone be around as much as you have and not miss them when they're gone."

Spike was thrilled but tried not to show it. He didn't want her to see him grin like a bloody git. These crumbs of acceptance that she was tossing his way mean more to him than he would have liked. He didn't want to give himself the wrong impression again so he tried to bury his giddy feelings deep down and hoped they wouldn't resurface.

"What was in Africa? She asked, knocking him out of his dreamlike state.

"After what I'd done to you, I was disgusted with myself. I didn't fit in anywhere. I could never be the man you needed me to be and I knew I could never again be the monster that I was. Things needed to change. I....I was...Oh God."

He stood up suddenly and Buffy noticed a look of pain on his face.

"Oh God please not now!" he screamed in agony.

Spike crumpled to the floor with his head in his hands and started steadily rocking back in forth from a curled up position in the dark corner he had slumped into. Screams of pain and anguish escaped his lips, which turned into sobs. Buffy watched as tears invaded his face and whimpers escaped his throat.

"Spike what's happening?" she asked in a panic. "What should I do?"

She crouched down next to him and reached out to touch him but pulled back in fear. She started to cry, not knowing what else to do.

The door to the crypt suddenly whipped open and Willow came running in. She saw Spike slumped to the ground just as she had seen him that first night she returned from England.

Buffy stood up and looked at her. Her eyes pleading for help.

Willow knelt down beside Spike and wrapped her arms around him. She rubbed his back, trying to get him to calm down.

"Its ok, it's ok." She whispered to him.

Buffy felt that pang of jealousy hit her in the gut once again. Why couldn't she let herself be that way with him? It should be her down there soothing him, not Willow. She suddenly felt completely helpless.

"Oh God." He cried. "There was a little girl. I slit her throat. I've got blood on my hands." He continued rocking back and forth, tears still flooding from his eyes.

Buffy's eyes widened. She stared at him in horror as the realization hit her like a ton of bricks. She suddenly remembered everything that Angel had gone through and this was no different.

"Oh my God!" Buffy's hand shot up toward her mouth and tears started to once again form in her eyes.

She bolted out the door, desperately trying to catch her breath. She landed hard on her knees in the grass. With her face in her hands she uncontrollably sobbed. She felt completely horrified and touched at the same time. She knew he did all of this for her.

After Willow finally calmed Spike down she went outside to look for Buffy. She spotted her right away. She was still on her knees.

When Buffy spotted Willow she stood up and walked over to her. Willow looked at Buffy and her reddened face and puffy eyes.

"What has he done?" Buffy asked. "He has a soul doesn't he?"

Willow nodded.

"Are you ok Buffy?"

Buffy looked down. Confusion and fear were written all over her face.

"I might as well fill you in." Willow said. "He went to Africa to get his soul. He knew someone that could help him. He had to endure all these awful tests to get what he wanted. He only wanted you to be happy. Buffy, you need to go see him."

"I....I can't. How can I go in there knowing that he did all this for me? He's in there right now curled up in a ball, crying his eyes out, remembering every single awful thing he has done throughout his entire unlife and it's killing him. How can I look him in the face knowing that I did that to him? I can't do it. It's just too much."

Buffy ran off leaving a bewildered Willow and a tormented Spike behind.

To Be Continued....





You must login (register) to review.