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Seven days had gone by while Buffy mustered up the courage to go and talk to Spike. The more days that went by without seeing him, the more her guilt grew. She couldn't face him. She wouldn't know what to say. Spike had constantly been on her mind for days now. She just couldn’t seem to figure out why this whole situation scared her so much. She'd been through so much, fought so many demons and had encountered the most frightening things that no one in their life should have to see. Yet, the thing that terrified her the most was a bleach blonde vampire with a soul. How does that make sense?

She knew she had to talk to him but every time she thought about it her heart would race and she would completely freeze up. She went by his crypt a few times while on patrol but she'd walk to his door and reach for the handle but just chicken out and walk away. No more hiding. She needed to see him now and get this over with. How bad could it be?

Buffy quietly opened the door to Spike's crypt and saw him sitting in his chair and looking completely exhausted. Poor guy. He must be having such a hard time with this. She noticed that his hair was different. He must not have bleached it in a while because there was quite a bit of his natural brown hair below the soft looking bleached curls that lay on top. She took deep breaths to try and slow her heartbeat down which she found herself doing quite often when he was around.

She sat down across from him on a small coffee table in front of his chair. She looked at him but he didn't move. He wouldn't look up at her. He wouldn't even acknowledge her.

"Spike I...... I'm sorry I waited so long to come and see you." She said.

Spike still didn't move. He just blinked and continued to look down toward the ground.

"Spike! Look at me!" she commanded.

He still did nothing. The tears that rolled down his cheeks were hidden by the shadows that covered his face.

Buffy stood up in frustration and started pacing.

"I shouldn't have run off like I did that night." She said, still pacing. "I just got scared. I couldn't handle seeing you like that knowing that it was all my fault."

"What?" he asked, finally looking up at her, "Your fault? You think this is your fault?"

"Well yeah. I mean, you did all this just to please me didn't you?" She silently hoped the answer was yes because she didn't want to appear self centered again.

"Yes. I thought it would bring me closer to you. I thought it's what you wanted. I knew how much it bothered you that I didn't have a soul so I decided to take a chance. But Buffy, you can't blame yourself for any of this. This thing that I'm going through with the nightmares and the visions is not your fault. I'm seeing the horrible things that I've done and there's no one to blame for that but myself."

"But you wouldn't even be going through that at all of it wasn't for me. I'm the one who made you feel like you had to change."

"Now I won't have you feeling guilty, pet. I don't regret getting back my soul for one solid second. It's worth every bit of hurt if it means I finally get a chance to be with you."

He walked toward her intending to put his arms around her but when he got within a foot of her she backed away from him.

"Spike, don't."

"What's the matter now?" he sighed.

"I really appreciate what you did for me. No one has ever gone that far to try and please me. It means the world to me. I need you to know that."

"But..." He said, knowing that this wasn't going to be good.

"But you know this could never work right?"

"So, we're back to that again." He ran his hands through his hair in frustration.

"Spike, you know that I have some sort of feelings for you. I have told you that before."

"So what's the problem then?" he asked.

"The same problem that there always was. You're a vampire. I'm a slayer. It was hard enough to deal with the first time.... with Angel. I can't do that again. And my friends, they couldn't handle it....I just....I can't lose them.

"Willow doesn't seem to mind and not one of your friends has been perfect. They have all made mistakes. You forgive them every time. Don't you think they could get past this?"

"That's not the point." She argued. This thing with us, it's wrong. It's not supposed to happen like this."

"So, what are you a psychic now? Then tell me pet, what exactly is supposed to happen."

"I'm supposed to find a nice, normal, sweet man with a sense of humor and a great career. We're supposed to have two point five children and a white picket fence and live happily ever after. But that's not gonna happen is it? I'm the slayer and I constantly save the world but for some reason I'm not allowed to be happy because of it. Being the slayer is all I am and all I ever could be. Nothing is ever going to change that."

"It can change if you want it to." Spike said. "Why can't you just let yourself be happy with what you've got?

"Because it's not enough!" she exclaimed.

"You mean, I'm not enough." He said, his voice shaking.

"Spike….I"

"Save it slayer. I get the point."

Spike felt a hurt that he had never felt before. He thought his emotions were intense before but with this soul they were ten times worse. He swore that he could actually feel his heart breaking.

"Look, I don't want to end up hating each other again. We've come to far for that." Buffy looked at him but he refused to meet her gaze. "We both have to move on now. I'm sorry but we just can't be together. It's not gonna happen."

They stood there in silence for what seemed like an eternity. When she realized that neither of them had anything more to say, she quietly turned on her heel and walked out once again on a broken Spike.

**************************************************************

Buffy made her way to the Magic Box. It was closed now but Anya gave her a key in case she ever had to get in for some emergency research while on her nightly patrols. Sometimes she went there just to be alone when life got to be too stressful. This was one of those times.

She sat at the research table reflecting on what had just happened. She didn't mean for their conversation to turn out like that. No matter what she intends to say when they talk, it always ends up coming out utterly brutal.

The bell on the door to the Magic Box rang as someone opened it. 'Damn I forgot to lock the door,' she thought. Buffy looked up to see Anya's vengeance demon pal Halfrek standing there.

"Anya's not here." Buffy said coldly, remembering how Halfrek had locked all of her friends and family in her house during her birthday party with no way of escaping.

"Oh that's too bad." Halfrek whined. "I so wanted to talk to her. I came by and saw that the light was on so I thought she might be here."

"Well she's not." Buffy replied in the same frosty tone.

"I'll just look for her somewhere else then. But before I go, since you're here, I wanted to ask you something."

Buffy just glared at her and waited for her question. Halfrek strolled over to the table and took a seat next to Buffy.

"How do you know William?" Halfrek finally asked. "He is a vampire. Isn't that right?"

"You're very observant" Buffy said sarcastically, not wanting to answer any more of her stupid questions.

"If he's a vampire, what was he doing at your birthday party?"

"To make a long story short, Spike was evil, the government put a chip in his head so he could no longer hurt humans, and he started helping me and my friends so he can feel useful again. Any more questions?" Buffy asked obviously irritated but Halfrek paid no mind to her attitude.

"Spike? Is that what he's calling himself these days?" the demon chuckled. "Well, his look has certainly changed since the last time I saw him, that's for sure."

"How do you know each other?" Buffy asked, suddenly interested.

"William and I go way back. It was the late 1800's if I remember correctly. That boy was madly in love with me." She said with a reminiscent smile on her face. "He was quite a piece of work. Always following me around with those bloody awful poems of his. All my friends thought he was such a bore. One day, at a party, a male friend of mine stole one of William's poems right out of his hands and started reading it aloud to all the guests. I was deeply embarrassed and ran off. I knew the poem was about me and my friends knew it too. He chased after me as he always did and started going on about how his poems may be no good but they were just words. He told me he loved me and said that he may be a bad poet but he was a good man. I replied to that by telling him that he was nothing to me. He was beneath me."

"Cecily." Buffy said. "You're Cecily?"

"So you've heard of me? I guess it's good to know I've been remembered. Although I'm not surprised he still carries that with him. People always tend to remember the bad things in life more than the good, don't they?"

Her last statement really made Buffy think. It was true. Buffy was spending so much of her energy remembering all the awful things that Spike had done that she just let the past two years and all of his heroic intentions fly right out of her mind.

"Boy, I really screwed that one up didn't I?" Halfrek asked, mostly to herself.

"What do you mean?" Buffy asked, now totally engrossed with their conversation.

"That night is the beginning of my story on how I became a vengeance demon. In a strange way, It was William that had led me to my decision."

"How so?" Buffy questioned.

"After the incident at the party, I told all of my friends about what had happened between William and I. We all had a good chuckle at his expense." Halfrek continued. "Later that night I met a ravishingly handsome man. He courted me for a while and was a perfect gentleman. However, his kindness didn't last very long. He beat me, cheated on me and belittled me every chance he got until I couldn't even remember why I was with him in the first place. One night he just stood there and watched while some thug manhandled me. He didn't even try to help me. He was a pathetic excuse for a man who was so overcome with fear for his own life that he didn't even think to try and protect mine. I finally got up the courage to leave him but that didn't stop me from running into the arms of at least three more men that ended up treating me the exact same way."

"So it was those bad experience that made you turn to vengeance?" Buffy asked.

"Yes. For fifty years I was part of the man haters club just as Anya is but when I heard of Anya and what a great job she was doing, I decided to let her take over completely. That's when I went in a different direction and started helping all the neglected children. I guess I just got tired of seeing all those poor women with broken hearts. Anya doesn't even know that I started out that way so could we just keep that bit of information between us?"

Buffy nodded. "So what does all that have to do with William?"

"After all of those horrible experiences I had with men, I couldn't help but realize how wrong I was to have let William go. I didn't even consider giving him a chance. All of my friends thought that I was way too good for him and could do so much better. I knew all along that if I gave him a chance and it didn't work out that my friends would never let me forget it and the words ‘I told you so’ would be forever implanted in my brain. The truth is that I probably wasn't good enough for him. I should have been honored to have a man like him love me. I was so stupid. I might have actually been happy."

"I'm sorry." Buffy told her with a blank stare as she was deep in thought.

"Don't be. That's just the way it goes sometimes. That's actually why I came here in the first place. I need to you tell Anya something for me."

"What is it?"

"Just tell her that I've left town and that I wish her and Xander all the happiness in the world. Before they were going to get married, I said some things to her to make her rethink this whole wedding thing. I guess my bitterness got in the way. I truly want her to have everything that I couldn't have. So tell her that I'm sorry. Xander is a good man. Tell her to never let him go. I better get going. It was nice talking to you."

Halfrek headed toward the door but turned around right before walking through it.

"By the way," she said. "Dawn is doing a lot better now. I no longer hear her cries. I just thought you'd take comfort in knowing that."

Halfrek walked out the door and out of Buffy's sight.

Buffy pondered everything that Halfrek had just told her. Then she panicked. A soft whimper left her throat and she held her face in her hands. Then she picked her head up and threw it back as if she were about to contact the heavens.

"Oh my God!" She cried. "What have I done?"

To Be Continued......





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