It was only the second time she could ever remember it snowing in California. The fragile crystal flakes danced through the dark night sky, dissolving instantly as they landed on her warm tongue. The mounds of snow covered the cemetery in a serene white blanket, and it almost looked peaceful.
*A winter wonderland for the undead*
She let out a snort.
The snow glimmered at her, taunting her. She wanted nothing more than to run home and force Dawn to make snow angels with her. Patrolling in the midst of this miracle seemed almost reprehensible. It was almost her duty to go home and enjoy this unexpected phenomenon.
Spike’s crypt caught her eye, and an image of Spike’s cocky face covered in snow floated through her mind. Snowball fight first, and snow angels later. Bending down she scooped a pile of snow into her gloved hand and began to form a solid ball.
Her footfalls were silent as she trudged hurriedly toward her enemy’s lair. Stealth was the key here; she had to take him by surprise.
“Watch where you’re going!” a high pitched scream filled the cool night air.
“UMPHHH!”
Her shins and something, no someone collided. There was a shriek of pain, and then she was flying.
The snow bank wasn’t injured in her fall, and responded by whitewashing her.
“What the…?” she rolled over, and sat up. Snow slid off her head and landed with a “plop!” on her shoulder. Her lips parted, and she stared at the creature she had run over.
This was unequivocally the best moment in her entire life.
“What the bloody hell are you staring at?”
***
A Few Hours Earlier
It was sodding snowing. Huge, wet flakes fell onto the worn leather of his duster. California was the sunshine state, not the bloody snowflake state. He reached the home stretch to his crypt and the paper bag that held the blood and cigarettes was already becoming soggy.
The sounds of the struggle reach him before he saw it. Two fledgling were tossing a midget back and forth. The hilarity of the scene rivaled the funniest movie moments, and he had to hold back a chuckle. The midget was screeching, its high pitched voice wailing over the calm night air.
Dropping the paper bag, he rolled his neck letting it crack. Saving the midget might not gain him Brownie points with the Slayer but….Hell, it wasn’t his problem. Why in the bloody hell should he get involved?
His shoulders sagged.
*’Cause you’re love’s bitch you git*
He strolled up and casually lit a cigarette. The fledglings notice him, and stopped dropping the midget who let out another angry screech.
“Hey look Sean it’s the Slayer’s pet vampire!”
The other smirked. “Such a shame really; hear he was pretty bad back in the day.”
The pair continued taunting him like he wasn’t even standing there.
“That’s the problem with the old ones; they’re out of date, and rather kiss a Slayer’s ass than act like vampires.”
Spike’s approach went unnoticed as the fledglings continued to heckle him.
“I’m touched, really I am,” he drawled.
Their eyes widened, and both looked down at the stake’s sunk deep into their chests.
“Ho bloody ho.”
Their dust scattered over the gleaming white surface, and he turned flicking his cigarette.
“Got a flare for the dramatic don’t ya?”
He stared down at the midget, whose mocking smile glared up at him.
“Saved your wee little arse didn’t I ‘Dock’?”
“Barely,” the tiny voice scoffed. “And I’m not a dwarf.”
“Shoulda just let ‘em have you; vampires’ love a good midget,” he chuckled.
“M’ NOT A MIDGET,” he screeched puffing out his chest, “I’m an elf!”
“Right, just on holiday from gluing together wooden ponies and putting pretty dresses on dollies then?”
“I AM TOO AN ELF!”
Spike’s laugh echoed through the empty cemetery. “Right, and I’ve got a bleedin’ soul.”
The elf smirked, and the little bell on his green hat jingled. “It is my Christmas duty to help those in need of holiday cheer and spread joy and laughter where ever I go.” The “elf” was holding up his hand as if reciting the Boy Scout oath and the words made Spike’s skin tingle.
“What’s that the elf code of conduct?”
The elf narrowed his green eyes. “Not exactly, but you are definitely lacking the cheeriness department mister.”
“I’m a bloody vampire you git, I don’t need to be cheery.”
The elf brushed the snow off his shoulders, and raised his head and looked down his pointy nose at Spike. “Never the less, I am bound to by oath and in reward for,” he paused and forced out the last few words, “saving my life I will grant you one wish.”
Spike began to laugh hysterically. “Oh this is great. Had one to many candy canes Dock?”
The elf frowned. “If you don’t make a wish I shall have to do it for you.”
Picking up his bag of groceries Spike began to walk away. “I wish the Slayer could get a look at you mate, bloody priceless her face would be seeing an elf,” he chuckled.
The bony face of the elf began to puff up as he filled his cheeks with air. He let out an enormous laugh for his size, and fell to the ground clutching his stomach. “Oh...boy…you asked for it...” he gasped between chuckles. “Wish granted.”
“Now wait a soddin’ minute….”
“CRACK!”
“Oh bugger.”
***
Buffy rubbed her eyes a few times; she had to be sure. She grinned. Yup, Spike was positively, with out a doubt, an elf.
“You better not start bloody laughing or I’ll beat the piss right out of you.”
“What are you going to do, tickle me to death?”
He narrowed his eyes, and scrunched up his face. Oh, and what a cute face too. It was Spike, dressed head to toe in his normal attire, his hair was bleached and his blue eyes bore down on her in warning.
He was only about 2 feet tall, and he had pointy ears.
Spike was an elf.
“I can’t…oh my God…” the laughter burst forth from her lips and she fell back into the snow bank.
Spike let out a roar; well she assumed that was what he was going for, but it came out more like a high pitched shriek. Bounding forward he pounced on her and began “pummeling” her with his fists in the stomach.
She laughed harder.
“Spike…” she choked out between spurts of laughter, “that tickles!”
She grabbed his leather coated shoulders, and effortlessly tossed him off her and into a parallel snow bank. He disappeared completely.
The mound of snow had swallowed Spike’s elfish form in one gulp.
“Spike? Oh Spikkkkeeee…where are you?”
“SPLAT!”
The snow hit her square between the eyes.
“Who’s soddin’ laughing now Slayer?”
He’d burrowed his way out of the snow from the bottom, and was standing there grinning at her.
“If you weren’t such a cute little elf I would seriously beat the crap out of you.”
“M’ NOT CUTE!”
She wiped the cold snow off her face, and smiled softly at him. “Oh yes you are, and I’m going to make sure everyone else gets to bask in the splendor that is Spike the Elf.”
“I just want to see you try that Slayer.”
They were grinning at each other like a couple of idiots.
“Oh this is the best Christmas present ever.”
“Well, I don’t know about that pet.” A sly grin tugged at his lips, and her mouth opened in a small O. “I think I can come up with something better.”
Her eyes were glued to his crotch, which apparently hadn’t shrunk like the rest of him. The combination of the mini Spike, and the….not so mini Spike…it was wrong. Oh god, it was so wrong.
“Guess some things don’t change,” she managed to choke out. He grinned.
“You know it luv; wanna have a go then?”
He was so damn cocky, and it was pissing her off that he was turning her on. He was a midget for fuck’s sake. She really needed to get new friends.
“I don’t sleep with the vertically challenged.”
“It’s not the size of the man that matters, it’s the size of the…”
“Oh God, enough with the visuals please.”
It was the high pitched voice that brought her sanity back. A not so pleasant vision of, “ohh…fuck Buffy you’re so wet…” in the Chipmunk like voice erased any desire that may have been. And for the record, there hadn’t been any, not really.
“So, is this permanent?”
He was trying to pull his regular sized pack of cigarettes out of his elf-sized jacket; it wasn’t working. “No. Sodding elf said it was only for tonight. He better be telling the truth though or I’ll make him wish he stayed in the bloody North Pole.”
“Do I want to know how this happened?”
“Doesn’t matter, m’ going to tell you.”
“Jerk.”
“Heinous troll bitch.”
She choked. “That was a little random.”
“What can I say I’m inventive.”
She finally got her to her feet, and towered above him. He gave her “a look” and took a few steps forward. “I think I could get use to this.” He was eye level with the place her pant legs met. She flushed bright red.
“So not going to happen.”
He shrugged. “Don’t really wanna stay like this anyway. Not good for the image ya know. Wouldn’t even wish this upon the poof.” He paused, thinking for a moment. “No I take that back.”
The smell came first, the stench of stale garbage mixed with Old Spice. Buffy just about vomited. “What is that?”
“Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!”
“Please tell me that is not the real Santa?” she whispered desperately to Spike.
His growl sounded more like a meow. “No, that’s a chaos demon pet.”
It was the most disgusting thing she’d ever seen. The goo dripped from its antlers, which were poking through holes in the Santa hat. The gop slid off the demon in clumps, and landed in the snow, which promptly began to melt. The white beard it was wearing was more of a brownish color, from the slime covering it. And the suit, the red suit was soaked through.
“Aren’t you two cute!” the demon chortled merrily.
“Not cute,” Spike muttered under his breath, but the creature heard him.
“Hey, I know you! You’re Spike aren’t you?”
She couldn’t imagine how Spike could see his eyes were narrowed so tightly.
“Yeah mate, whatsit to you?”
“The way Dru describe you, I thought you’d be bigger.”
Buffy’s breath caught in her throat; now that was a mood killer if there ever was one.
Dru.
A pang of unexpected jealousy cut through her. And the word popped out her mouth before she could stop it.
“Bitch.”
Both Spike and the chaos demon turned to stare at her, and she ducked her head.
“That’s not very nice.” The demon commented.
Spike just stared at her and at that moment he though he could read her thoughts. He turned away from her.
“Just bugger off mate.”
The demon laughed. “Oh no, I think I’m going to take you home so Frank can have a look at his competition.”
“HEY!” Buffy pointed at the demon. “No one gets to pick on him but me. Got it? And he’s not going anywhere.”
“Wow, you really do care.” Spike muttered sarcastically.
She shot him a look, and let out a scream as the gooey demon charged forward towards her and Spike.
“OHHHH DON’T LET IT TOUCH ME!”
“Slayer, Buffy! BLOODY HELL, watch out!”
She turned, and began to run away from molasses covered demon. Her head twisted backward on the demon as she ran, smack into a tree.
***
“Ohhhh…did it eat me?” She was covered in slime, and lying in the snow. “Spike?” Shit. She sat up. She’d really done it this time. Her freak out was really ill timed, and she’d left tiny Spike alone to fend off the demon.
“Not your day Slayer, M’ still here.”
He stood above her, cocky grin and all. He was back to normal.
“Damn,” she mumbled.
He frowned. “Well gee, you’re welcome pet.”
She wiped a glob of slime off her face. “No, not that. I wanted to show you to the Scoobies.”
His frown melted away. “The elf decided that I’d learned my lesson, turned me back just n’ time too. Was havin’ a bugger of a time trying to beat that beast off you.”
“Hence the covered in slime?”
He smirked. “Yeah, well that happened after I got turned back. Just wanted to see you sticky.”
“Pig.”
He pulled her to her feet, and she rubbed herself against him. “Just sharing the wealth.”
“Bloody hell.”
Buffy giggled, and ran her gooey hand down the side of his face leaving a brown trail. “Can we do this again next year?”
“Not bloody likely.”
The pout came out, and she shuffled looking at the ground. “But, I didn’t even get to take a picture.”
“A blessing that is.”
She turned her back to him, and bent down like she was picking something up. She turned, and threw snow in his face.
The white flakes stuck to the goo, and she began to back away at the menacing look in his eyes.
“I guess I’ll just have settle for Frosty the Vampire Man instead.”
Author's Chapter Notes:
Hope you enjoy! Very big thank you to Cobweb for proofreading and collaborating with me on this!