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For the longest time Spike and Buffy held each other, their reluctance at intimacy now completely gone. It was as though they had been transported back to those days where they had reached out for strength and comfort which the other was only able to provide.

Somewhere in the dark a hollow laughed echoed.

Eventually reality reclaimed them. Despite the darkeness of the alley their need to feel each other seemed excessive and awkward. They parted, each unwilling to catch the others eye.

To divert them Buffy tried to persuade Spike to come back to the compound. Now that she’d found him, she didn’t want to let him out of her sight. For once he stood his ground and refused to be cajoled no matter how much she demanded or pouted.

“Don’t you think I’ve done my bit with baby slayers pet? I’d be surprised if they’d welcome the enemy into the inner sanctum do you?”

She doubted that was the real reason. Even when they had all been forced together before the battle with the first Spike had deliberately managed to keep himself apart. When he wasn’t patrolling or training with the potentials he’d disappear into the cellar. He’d used the excuse that he couldn’t be trusted without her by his side. She would never let him hurt one of the girls. Buffy suspected she knew differently, this vampire didn’t play well with others.

“Dawnie would love to see you…”

He had raised a scarred eyebrow at that. “Low shot slayer.” He managed eventually. “As I remember it, nibblet kept her distance. Never sure I wasn’t going to lose the plot or something.”

Buffy had to concede that the trust between Spike and her sister had been somewhat shattered. The younger Sommers girl had become wary of him. She had seen first hand the violence of his demon and could not reconcile it with the Spike she thought she knew. Her teenage reaction had been to bottle it all up inside only lashing out when confrontation was inevitable.

Spike for his part could understand Dawn’s threat to kill him if he ever hurt Buffy. He would have killed himself! But Dawn’s rejection of her own blood when the Scoobies turned away Buffy? Peer pressure was alien to him, blood was blood. Because of that he had never tried to push reconciliation, despite how much their mutual coolness may have hurt him.

Buffy suspected that there may have been other factors in his reluctance. The presence of Giles and Robin for a start. He hadn’t asked about any of them, but she suspected the powers of Wolfram and Hart had managed to clue him in on the survivors from the hell mouth.

She decided not to push the point.

“You haven’t asked.” He said eventually.

Buffy lost in her own thoughts was momentarily confused. She had been wondering why no matter which side of the world they happened to be on; they always ended up with the gothica.
They had left the alley. Walking aimlessly through the streets of the city until they found themselves in a graveyard. Spike lolled against a tomb and lit a cigarette.

“Asked what?” She asked innocently knowing full well that she was wasting her time. He had always been able to read her.

His eyes narrowed as he regarded her. “About Angel.” He said quietly.

Buffy’s felt as though her heart had jumped up to her chest. It wasn’t that she had been thinking of her first love, it was the fact that Spike had called him Angel. In all the years that she had known him Spike had never acknowledged his sire by name. Not without muttering ‘wanker’ under his breath at least. That was all the announcement that she needed. Tears began to sting her eyes. She brushed them away.

“You never asked me about Anya?” She tried to divert attention, reverting to the petty, not wanting to hear what he might have to say.

Spike was not to be fooled. “Nice try, but we know that isn’t even in the same ball park…”

Buffy stifled the sob that had had been building in her throat.

In a heartbeat Spike had discarded his smoke and was holding her close to his chest. He stroked her hair and murmured ‘Shh’ as though she were a frightened horse. Buffy for her part could only cling to him as the tears fell.

Later as they walked back to the compound in silence Buffy felt the need to explain. She just was not sure how to begin.

“He was very special to me…” She began.

“I know luv.” He answered simply.

“It doesn’t mean…How did it…”Buffy struggled to string together a sentence. She wanted to know, but at the same time she knew Spike was still raw on anything Angel related.

“The big ‘I am’ to the end. He had to go for the bloody dragon…” There was a strange choke in Spike’s throat. Buffy could not work out if it was from his own loss or the fear of hurting her. She suspected that it was a mixture of the two.

“I did love him. Not the way I felt about you, but I did…” She finished lamely.

Spike stepped in front of her, forcing her to stop abruptly. “There is no need. I don’t want to know and you don’t want to explain yourself. That was a chapter. We remember, we move on. There are always casualties in war. We know that better than anyone. Right?”

Buffy nodded. She tried a watery smile.

“No need to be brave in front of me, kitten. You need to grieve.” Spike was looking at her so intently. “I’m not being all selfless and noble before you think I’ve turned into the poof. I’m here, he’s not. He deserves to be mourned.”

Buffy reached up on tip toes and kissed him gently on the lips. “Thank you.” She whispered. Turning she opened the gate and walked up the drive towards the main house.

Spike watched her go. His face seemed to grow dark, his eyes glowing momentarily gold.

“You’re welcome Buff…” He growled.





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