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Both Gunn and Lorne had declined the invitation. That was fine with me. I really wanted Fred and Wes to…cough…connect on this little trip, so the less distractions, the better. Not to mention Willow and Oz had a lot to catch up on…a romantic castle getaway might be just the ticket.

I had avoided talking to Angel, although I would, just last. I wanted time with him. Time in which he could explain in great detail why he thought it necessary to alter my mind. I was going to give him the chance to explain himself and he’s be damn lucky if I didn’t stake him on principle.

I slumped into the chair behind Wesley’s desk. I pinched the bridge of my nose between my fingers. My life was so ridiculously complicated. Cerulean eyes flashed in my mind. Damn. It was so worth it. No question

I dialed Giles’ number. It rang a good many times before he answered. He sounded tired and sad. “Giles, are you alright? What’s wrong?” I was thinking perhaps something had happened to one of the girls.

“I…uh…don’t worry about it, my dear,” he said softly.
I shook my head. “Giles, I have always been able to come to you about almost everything. You’ve always listened and helped me through things. I’m not a kid anymore. Let me help you.”

I heard him sigh heavily. “You’re right. Last night, some Simiqua demons attacked the Council.” I started to interrupt, but I thought better of it and waited patiently. “The were dispatched without incident, but…” I could hear him clean his glasses, “Olivia was here at the time. She and I had been trying to reconcile our relationship, but what with the demons laying siege, she decided that my life really is too dangerous and she doesn’t want to be put at risk anymore.”

“Oh, Giles,” my voice constricted with sympathy for him, “I’m so sorry.”

“I truly think I lost any chance I had to be happy when Jenny died.” His voice was thick with emotion.

I had almost forgotten about Jenny Calendar. Clearly, Giles had not. And while I blamed Angel for her death, I also blamed Jenny herself, and to some extent, myself. Angel had a very long time to research his curse and since he was such an egotist, I guess he hadn’t found that to be a relevant use of his time. Jenny, of course, knew everything about the curse and had chosen not to tell us until to late, thus sealing her own fate. And, more importantly, I blamed myself for not seeing Angel for what he was. A very real danger.

I’m not sure, nor do I want to be conceited about it, but I’m guessing if you asked Spike what the happiest moment of his life was, he would tell you it was when he realized I really did love him back, or something very similar. Of course, Angel’s was deflowering a seventeen-year-old virgin. Go figure. Apparently, not even the birth of his son had made him as happy.

“I don’t believe that, Giles. I believe that if you are meant to be with someone, then nothing will stop you. I think there is something amazing out there for you, and maybe you haven’t found it yet, but I have faith that you will, Giles. You are a wonderful caring man and whatever woman you choose will be lucky to have you. Do you have any plans for Christmas?” I asked. I wasn’t trying to change the subject, but what could I really say to make Giles feel better about Miss Calendar’s death? Lord knows he had said all the generic sympathy statements to me after Spike’s death. But I knew better. There was nothing I could say to take away the pain.

“Uh…no…I don’t, Buffy.” The change of topic seemed to catch him off guard.

“Good,” I replied. “A few of us are flying out and spending the holidays in that castle near Surrey. You’ll join us, won’t you? Since my mother died, you are the closet thing I have to a parent and it won’t feel right if you aren’t there.” Okay, I was playing to his need of being needed, but I didn’t want him to be alone and depressed for Christmas.

After a little begging, I had him talked into it. He only agreed after I assured him that Angel was in no way invited. I planned to sit Giles down and tell him about the memory altering spells he had put on everyone and get his advice. There had to be some sort of punishment for him for messing with our minds.

I was on the phone with a cleaning crew when Spike poked his head into the office. He held out a small takeout box. I lifted an eyebrow in question.

“Club sandwich,” he whispered. From his duster pocket he pulled a bottle of diet Coke. He put them both down on the desk and kissed my forehead. “I’m going up to spar with the Cheerleader. I’ll see you when you’re finished.” He said quietly. I nodded and blew him a kiss, mouthing ‘thank you.’ He smiled and retreated, leaving me to book the cleaners. Giles had already agreed to drive out and let people in to clean. Of course, he would also be staying while they were there. House full of stuff. I didn’t want any of it stolen.

Xander was next on my list. He answered almost immediately. “Buff!” he exclaimed when he realized it was me. “What’s the what?” When I told him, he eagerly agreed to fly out and meet us in merry ol’ England for Christmas.

When my sandwich was eaten and the coke gone, I knew I had wasted all the time I could and it was time to face Angel. I wasn’t sure if I had ever been this nervous to speak with him. Shake it off, Buffy!
I knocked on the door to Angel’s office. When I heard him say ‘enter,’ I walked in.

“Can we talk?” I asked stoically.

He looked up in surprise. “Buffy? What do you want?”
I raised my eyebrows at the venom in his voice. Undeterred, I sat down in the chair across from his desk. I had already decided to talk about some other things before I launched into my attack about mind raping.

“So…Fred and Wesley are coming to England for Christmas with me and Spike and Cordy. I figured they hadn’t gotten the chance to tell you yet since we all just decided this a few hours ago, but I wasn’t all that worried about rushing off to tell you,” Big Lie, “because, hey, I’m sure your team already had the holidays off.”

Angel’s nostrils flared. “So, you just thought you’d take half of my team and fly halfway around the world?” Angel’s anger was palpable.

I was pissed. “You’ll still have Gunn and Lorne here, plus you highly trained staff of blood sucking lawyers, no pun intended. Don’t Fred and Wesley need a vacation? Or aren’t they allowed to have fun or leave this godforsaken evil empire? They’re people, Angel. They haven’t been chosen for this like me, or Spike, or you. They chose this and now they choose to take a vacation. They can take time off,” I exclaimed vehemently.

“No, I know that…it’s just…” Angel stammered.

“What? That we didn’t invite you? Or that we didn’t ask for your permission?” I sneered.

“No, not that. They are my employees…never mind. I’m sure you’ll all have a great time. Was there something else you wanted, Buffy?” Angel was trying to dismiss me, like that would work.

“Yeah, there is. Why did you tell Spike I would never love him because he isn’t you?” His eyes grew impossibly wide as I continued. “I mean, that’s arrogant even for you. And how dare you assume that you comprehend my heart?” I hissed at him.

“Buffy,” he sounded exasperated. “We all know that the only reason you’re with Spike is that you can’t be with me. He’s just the closest…thing you can find.”

My jaw dropped. How pompous and self absorbed could someone get? “Listen, Angel. This is the last time I will try to explain this to you. When you and I dated, if you could even call it that, all you did was pop up with cryptic warnings, not real info. You hardly ever tried to help me patrol, you had me break into an ice rink for a damn date! You tried to make decisions to for me, like I was too dense to think for myself. And to top it all off, you had the Powers-that-like-to-mess-with-us take back a day and decided for me that I shouldn’t remember it.” Angel’s mouth opened and closed like a goldfish but I wasn’t finished. “You adjusted the memories of all your so called friends so they won’t remember your son, Conner, either. There are always consequences with magic, Angel. Always. I hope yours doesn’t cost you everything you hold dear.” He knew better than to break my rant now.

“Riley was just like you, only human. He thought I was a little girl that needed protecting. He, too, like to make decisions for me, and like you, he wanted to me more important than my Slayer calling. He wanted me to be ashamed of it, of the kill, of how much I relished it sometimes. And when he realized that I didn’t really need him, he took off. Just like you.”

I took a deep breath before continuing. “With Spike, everything is different. He sees me as an equal. Being the Slayer just one of the things he loves about me. He loves Buffy the Slayer and Buffy the Girl, just as I love Spike the Vampire and William the Man. He respects me as a warrior and understands my calling. He doesn’t try to make decisions for me. I love him, Angel. I love him and it has nothing to do with you. I love him for who he is, how he loves with all of his being, and how he went against his very nature to help my friends and me. He stayed to protect my sister even after I had died because he made a promise to me. He fought for a soul and so he could be the kind of man he thought I deserved and, contrary to what you may believe, he didn’t do it so I’d sleep with him. Until I came back here, I hadn’t in over a year. Pre-soul. You never have to be okay with me and Spike. I’ll never ask you for your approval. But I won’t allow you to use me as a weapon to hurt him anymore.” I had kept my voice calm, but I felt like screaming at him. A soft knock at the door stopped my tirade…

“Spike, get out of my office,” Angel snarled.

To his credit, Spike ignored him and came to kneel in front of me. “I’m takin’ off. Got some errands to run. Are you going to be much longer here? The watcher and the Cheerleader want you in the training room.”

I looked up at Angel and narrowed my eyes. “I’m thinkin’ I’m almost through.”

“I’ll meet you back at the hotel then? Maybe for dinner?”

I smiled warmly at him. “Sounds wonderful.”

He stood up and looked at me seriously. “Did you bring a coat today, pet?”

“No,” I said confusedly.

He nodded toward the windows. I turned and looked. It was pouring rain. Silly L.A. weather. I hadn’t noticed. He slipped out of his duster and handed it to me. He ran his thumb down my cheek and across my lips. “I’ll take the diaries to the room. See you in a little bit, yeah?”

I nodded and watched him leave. I turned back to Angel. “I’ve never seen Spike give that coat to anyone before,” Angel whispered. He turned his eyes to me. “I don’t doubt that Spike cares about you, maybe even loves you. But I don’t and never will believe that you love him.”

“You arrogant son of a bitch.” I stood and strode to the door. “I’ll give you until a week after we come back. Fix everyone’s memory by then, or I’ll do it for you.” With that, I left.

When I got to the training room, the looks I received from Wes and Cordelia showed that my anger was written all over my face. “I need to go kill something.”

“You wish to patrol now?” Wesley asked me. “There’s still two hours until sunset.”

“Well, I’ll hit the storm drains then. There are always demons there. It was true for Sunnydale, it’s true in London and I’m guessing it’s true here. I just really need to beat the shit out of something and sparring isn’t going to cut it. ” I grabbed a large axe from the training room wall. “Anyone coming?”





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