Buffy's Diary by spike4buffy

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Chapter Notes: Hey my second entry yaya... i really enjoyed writint buffys feelings in this and maybe a sequel if u guys ask nicely lol

IMPORTANT NOTE: Buffy didnt die at the end of season 5. this is my take of what may have happened without the angst of her death. It fits somewhere in between season 5 and 6.
Disclaimer: i do not own BTVS it all belongs 2 Mutant Enemy and Joss



*WHY?*

Why, when we know love can cause us so much pain do we still strive to find it?
We all know no one can ever promise never to break our hearts. Then why do we still want Love?
WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

I wake up every morning asking myself these questions over and over again in my head.
I’ve felt the pain love can cause. I know it all too well.

Angel. The first man to ever-holey have my heart. As soon as i saw him i was infatuated. I can still remember our first meeting.
I was on my way to the Bronze, when i felt like i was being followed. I jumped up onto a bar and as the strange man was walking below me i swung and did a flip, which knocked him to the ground.
I saw something in his eyes then. MYSTERY. I'm fairly certain that was what it was. I was young and still quite naive.

I'd never met anyone like him. I felt like i had to know everything about him.
In some ways we grew closer but there was always this wall between us, like we couldn't be with each other completely.
He wouldn't open up to me and i tried so hard. I even dressed up as an 18th Century women to impress him. Little did i know he hated the women of his time.

Then it happened. My 17th Birthday. The thought of Angel leaving nearly killed me, but it didn’t end that way. I keep thinking now, imagine how much easier it would have been for everyone if he had of left that night. All of Angelus' victims that would have been saved, but I mainly think of Jenny. Because of that night my father lost the love of his life.

I wish I could take that pain away from him. I know he still hate’s Angel for this and who can blame him. I still blame myself for Jenny’s death. I kept thinking what if I had of investigated Angel’s curse more, could I have stopped Angelus from being released?

Killing Angel was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. He was my first love, and to know that he was then back with his soul made it all that harder. Seeing his eyes as I stabbed him through the gut was one of the most painful experiences of my life.
But when he came back from hell only to leave me again, which only hurt me more then I thought possible.

The first time he left me he didn’t have a choice. But the fact he was too weak to stay and try to salvage our relationship was the hardest. He was leaving me because I wasn’t worth the effort.



One night stands. What are they good for? Nothing especially if you don’t know you’re about to be part of one.

Parker. He seemed like such a sweet caring guy. Who had a lot of pain and was willing to open up to me. Maybe that’s why I was attracted to him. He told me things. I needed that in a relationship, instead of what I had with Angel. But of course this didn’t end well.
I was just another conquest. Another name in his Black Book. Another number under S.
I was just fun to him.

I sometimes wonder what he’s up to now. Has he settled down or is he still playing with these young girls hearts? Lord knows if I ever see him again he’s ganna get a piece of my mind. But that was the end of Parker which takes us to…

That guy. You know the guy I mean. The one who tries to give you everything his has. But you just don’t return the feelings with that much intensity. Well that guy to me was Riley.

I was his first love, and in that way it sort of reminded me of my relationship with Angel. I was willing to put everything into that relationship and to risk everything, but this time I was Angel and Riley was the young naïve Buffy.

I tried I really did. The first few months’ I was really into him. He was sweet and normal, or so I thought. The fact he was a soldier didn’t really bother me that much, but I suppose in the end it had a part in our relationship break down.

Riley was use to order’s and seeing only Black and White. Absolutely no tinge of Grey in Riley’s perfect world. But I was surrounded by grey. I wonder if he had of stayed and found out Dawn isn’t not really pure human, what would he have done? Would he have treated her differently?

Of course Riley’s views weren’t all to blame for our break-up. I shut myself off to him especially when my mother was sick. Riley wanted me to be the girlfriend who cried on his soldier. But that’s not me. That’s not how I was taught to be.

I was taught to be the Slayer, which didn’t mean crying on you’re boyfriends shoulder. I had to save the world. And in the end he couldn’t really handle the fact I was the Slayer. I was more powerful then him. Also the fact he had been bitten by vampire whores didn’t help.



But now the question is can I risk it again? Can I open up my heart to another man again?
Do I even want to? *

Buffy quickly closes her diary and shoves it under her pillow as she hears the front door close.
Slowly making her way down she hears muffled talking in the lounge room.
“ OH my god, how hot was Tom Cruise in that movie!”
“ Jesus Bit, I figured you’d have better taste then that. There’s only been one decent movie that mans made and that’s…”
“ Let me guess… Interview with a Vampire.” Dawn asks and quickly follows it with a snort.
“ What, NO… TOPGUN! Bloody fantastic movie that was. The first soundtrack I legally bought. Of course I had to find a way to get some money for it first. Which wasn’t easy I’ll tell you. I had to try and rob at least 5 people because bloody crazy Dru kept saying ‘The Sunshine’s coming and she’s ganna swallow you whole’ which scared the buggers off before they new I was there. I tell you that was the last time I took Dru out robbing with me”.

As Spike continued rambling on about his experiences with Dru, Buffy had moved to lean against the door from watching Spike closely when she realised she had the answers to her questions.


‘YES'

'I am Ready. Now I’ve just got to tell him that’


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