It was the summer the people in California should remember for a very long time.
It had not rained for more than three months, the grass changed its colour into an unhealthy brown, and the earth was rough, dry and thirsty for moistness.
Spike relived that year often in his mind, and he realized that when he did, he always felt a strange mixture of joy and sadness.
Sometimes he tried to choke the sadness, but for some strange reasons he knew that his memory might loose the joy as well, and so he accepted all the feelings impinging upon him.
In that summer the world had changed forever and always not only for him.
********
Music, laughter and shreds of conversations pervaded the air while he was slowly approaching the hall.
He had hesitated to come, being aware what it would mean to him seeing her that day.
After so many years in which the remembrance of her was not more than an image in his mind, deeply buried feelings aroused again. Till now he has been sure of having them successfully erased from his memory.
A few days ago he had read it in the local newspaper.
It was a simple, plain advert announcing that she was going to marry.
Miss Summers would become Mrs. Robert Sherman and although he had always expected to hear such or similar words sooner or later, feelings believed forgotten long ago flooded him with an intensity that could have surprised him, if... well, if it had not been her.
How could he ever believe it wouldn’t touch him?
He decreased his pace and hesitated while he was reaching the windows through which he saw many guests coming to the wedding.
He hardly knew anybody of those dolled up people, but as he dared to draw closer to one of the windows, he was sure to recognize Dawn in a tall and chubby woman.
He screw up his lips to a faint smile while he was realizing how much she had changed.
Nibblet, he thought, grinning to himself. No name could have been more unsuitable.
He watched her for a while thinking of the girl she used to be so many years ago, but his thoughts broke away as he saw her.
In her white wedding dress she strode through the hall, accompanied by admiring glances following her slender shape.
The other people became blurred to an unrecognizable grey mass, she was everything of what his eyes were aware.
Unconsciously he pressed his lips together and forced his eyes not to blink, fearing he could miss her view for a fraction of a second.
His brains were desperately searching for words but the only sentence which came into his mind, was: God, she is so beautiful .
The dress she was wearing was not pompous or extravagantly, it attracted attention because of its simplicity.
But the way she moved and danced let it become the most valuable and sensational dress he had ever seen.
He knew a band was playing and he also knew the guests were chatting and laughing, but no single noise reached him while he was watching her with his eyes wide open.
It seemed that every disturbance would have been faded out so that he was able to absorb her image, sealing it deeply in his soul.
To see how happy she was and how her eyes sparkled from inside made him swallow and he clung to the window sill not trusting his legs to keep him upright.
That was what he had always hoped to see. That was what he had asked from a God that had damned him: she should become as happy as she deserved it.
The magic of the moment was broken when he felt a hand lying on his shoulder and a happy voice shouted: „What are you doing outside, man? C’mon , join us!“
Spike turned around and found himself opposite a man of middle age, slightly drunk.
“I…, “ began Spike, but he was interrupted by that man immediately.
“The bride and the bridegroom are going to make their speech now, you really don’t wanna miss that, do you?“
Forcefully he shoved Spike away from the window and approached the entrance with him.
Spike tried to protest, but the drunken man was too insistent. He took Spike with him and Spike let it happen.
Fortunately the man released him as they were entering the hall and turned into another direction.
Spike remained at the door and watched the bridal couple climbing the little stage.
Nobody cared about him, all eyes were fixed upon the two.
Robert, the bridegroom, took the microphone and welcomed the guests before he finally said:
“My wife,“ he smiled at these words and turned towards his bride, “would also like to say a few words.“ He reached out his hand to her which she seized, slightly smiling, and thrust the microphone into her hand.
“Well… hey,“ she started shyly and Spike closed his eyes at the sound of her voice.
He knew pretty well that he was running the risk of looking like an idiot, but he couldn’t help it.
“I’d like to give you a warm welcome and to thank you for celebrating our wedding with us. That means so very much to Robert and me.“
She took a short moment to gather herself and then continued:
“When I look around, I can see so many people meaning everything to me.“
Although his eyes remained closed Spike knew somehow that she was looking into Dawns direction.
Her voice sounded soft as she continued her speech:
“And there are people who cannot be here today, but who should be here.“
There was complete silence in the hall. No harrumphing, no rattling of dishes, not even the slightest whispering could be heard. Everyone seemed to hold his breath, as she said with a trembling voice:
“I wished you could be here, Mom. I wished you could see how happy I am. You have always told me about your great wish that this day in my life would be absolutely perfect. And now you’re not here any more to be with us.“
The last words were swallowed by her tears.
Nobody spoke, nobody moved.
Spike lowered his head, his eyes still closed, while tears left wet streets on his cheeks and dripped on his chest.
“I miss you so much, Mom,“ he heard her weak voice. He raised his head and opened his eyes, realzing that she was looking directly at him, while Robert embraced her with a gesture half helpless and half in despair.
She wiped her tears away without averting her gaze of Spike and spoke on:
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to… I…“
She took a deep breath and started again.
“I didn’t mean to rain on your parade. Today is one of the happiest days in my life and I’m glad for you coming to share in our joy.“
She began to smile clinging tightly to her husband, and the sad atmosphere faded away like a fog to give room to a relaxed and joyful mood.
While Robert was kissing her, Spike turned around to disappear. And although he was sure to make a calm impression, a rough ocean was raging inside of him.
The lemon trees in the garden shed lavishly an intensive, fresh smell. The sky was free of clouds and with each step on the dry grass he heard a faint cracking sound. Fast steps joined the sounds he was causing and he stopped as he heard her voice shouting behind him: “Wait!”
He turned round slowly.
There she stood, only a few steps away from him, breathing heavily, the cheeks reddened, her dress gathered up with both hands, and her gentle blue eyes on him.
So they faced each other while the moon was guarding them silently and bathing their faces in pure silver.
*********
She was the first to move.
She came up to him at hesitant pace, but before she could ask anything she heard his hoarse voice saying:
“You are so beautiful, Katie. You… look like an angel…“
He was struggling for words but couldn’t manage to keep on talking.
She paused.
Nearly anybody called her Katie.
Everyone called her by her real name, Kate.
But the way he spoke, so soft and smooth, made her try to swallow the lump in her throat that had suddenly appeared.
They faced each other at arm’s length.
He reached out his hands to her and although she couldn’t tell why, she laid her hands into his and allowed him to caress gently the back of her hands gently his thumbs.
When she raised her head, she saw his eyes shining wet.
“They look just as the hands of your mother“ he said barely audible.
He raised his face, too, released her left hand and tucked a stray strand of her hair carefully behind her ear, as if he was afraid of hurting her by this soft movement.
“You resemble her so much, Katie…“
The dreamy way he said this words and the somehow absent expression on his face told her that his thoughts had travalled into the past, to a time to which she had no access.
„You have her smile, her hair… You are moving in the same way as she did. You have the same habit to put hair out of your face although there aren’t any disturbing strands. Just the eyes… your eyes are those of your aunt Dawn.“
„You… you knew my mother?“ She was aware that her question was superfluous but nevertheless she expected his answer with a surprising painful tension.
He bent over her, brushed her forehead with his lips and whispered with his face lying on her forehead:
„I loved your mother.“
********
She stared at him and her mouth opened to a dumb expression of surprise, while her fingers clung tighter round his cold hand as if she was afraid of him to leave her alone with those strange feelings overflowing her.
He didn’t look at her as he drew back, freeing his hand.
And while he was still wondering why he couldn’t control himself, why he confronted her with something she might have never wanted to know, he heard her soft and hesitant voice calling his name, as if she was talking to herself:
“Spike.“
And before he was able to realize what it meant that she knew his name, she asked with breaking voice:
“You… are Spike, right?“
He could not have said what he had expected.
Maybe that she would ask him where he had Buffy known from or what the connection between them was like. But whatever he had expected, the fact that she knew who he was made him feel dizzy and he hardly managed to nod.
The seconds passed by without any of them speaking a word. Finally it was Katie who said: “Mom had told me about you.“
It was a simple statement, just a sentence which did not seem to express very much.
But to Spike these words meant more than he could ever have imaged.
********
They sat side by side on a bench and shared a silence that was not embarrassing in any way, but expressed a kind of connection between them.
Without Spike having to ask her, Katie began to narrate everything about the morning, as her mother came to her bed to tell her about Spike.
She described her eyes filling with dumb tears, while her hands had played restless with a small, silvery lighter.
“Your mom, did she… did she love your father,?“ stumbled Spike while he was trying to hide his feelings at this question.
Katie looked at him with a faint smile, seized his hand and answered:
“No, she didn’t. She’s never lived together with him and their affair ended as she told him that she was pregnant. He didn’t want me.“
She said these words without bitterness, without pain, whereas Spike clenched his free hand to a fist and hissed furiously. But before he could answer, she continued:
”She told me once that he had meant nothing to her, but she was nevertheless grateful to him, because she got me. No, she didn’t love him. She could never have done, because she has always loved you.“
Spike turned towards her and pressed her small, dainty hand more tightly than intended as he asked with a shaking voice:
”Did she say that?“
Katie shook her head, saw the expression of disappointment in his eyes and hurried to explain:
”You know… a few months ago, just before there was that accident… well, we talked about my wedding. She was so excited and helped me with all preparations. I’ve asked her whether she had an idea for our wedding spell in the church and she answered that she wished I would take a quotation of the song of Solomon.“
She paused for a moment and then continued:
”I’m sure she was thinking of you. She had that expression in her eyes as she read from the bible and afterwards I heard her in her room... she was crying.“
Spike closed his eyes and Katie could hardly understand the words leaving his mouth:
„What is that quotation?“
The young woman seized his other hand, too, and repeated the words which had been spoken during her wedding ceremony:
”Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.“
He tried to speak, but no word left his shaking lips as he listened to Katie’s voice.
“She has never stopped loving you and although she didn’t say it, I know that she loved you and that she was waiting for you to come. Someday.“
He tried to suppress the feelings raging inside of him, but he couldn’t hold his tears back. He felt her small and childish hand on his cheek, and he whispered:
“I was there.“
He felt her body wincing beside him, but he spoke on before she could interrupt him. “I’ve always been there, Katie. I’ve watched you both…have watched you growing up… I saw the little girl becoming a teenager. I know, I had no right to do that… but I wanted to feel it... to feel that I belong to you.“
She shoved herself more narrowly to him and a somehow warm feeling spread in his inside when she put her head on his shoulder.
Hesitantly he stroked her hair and continued listening to her heartbeat:
”I know it’s kinda ludicrous, but I had this feeling of belonging to you... and your Mom... while I was watching you. I wanted to protect you and to be near you.“
He stopped frightened as he heard her quiet sobs. But as he wanted to abate she clung even more tightly to him.
So he talked calmingly to her until she stopped crying and raised her head slowly to look at him:
“Why did you never come?“
There was nothing accusing in her voice, no trace of blaming him, but he could feel this question burning in her soul.
He tried to find an answer for her, to explain her something he couldn’t explain to himself, but everything he finally said, was:
”I guess I was afraid that she might not want me.”
She put her head on his shoulder again, and let out a sound that was more laugh than sob, though it was composed of both, as she heard him mumble:
“Bloody idiot!”
They sat there for a long time without moving, without speaking.
A smooth wind rustled in the leaves of the lemon trees and mixed up with the muffled noises of the feast.
”Mom has loved you… thought of you every single day of her life. If only she would have known that you were there.“
He tried to response, but he couldn’t manage. Just the pressure of his hands told her what he was not able to express in words.
She wiped her tears away, seemed as she wanted to say something, hesitated, and finally said:
”There’s a thing… a wish I’d love to be fulfilled.”
He pressed a quick kiss into her soft palm and whispered:
“Tell me about it, luv.”
***********
She would never forget the expression on his face as she asked him to dance with her… the dance which the bride’s father normally danced with his daughter.
She could never forget his eyes filling with tears as she told him:
“Couldn’t imagine anyone else than you for this.“
And she would always remember him looking at her so full of pride and love, with his tears running down his cheeks, while he placed his arms around her.
*******
It was the summer the people in California should keep in mind for a very long time.
In that summer a man learned how much he meant to a woman who had been his life
In that summer a daughter got to know the man that her mother had loved more than everything.
In that summer the world changed for two people, who were remained every day on what they had lost forever… and who were thankful for what they have won.
FIN
Author's Chapter Notes:
I'm not a native speaker, so please be gentle ;)