Chapter 4
The sunlight peeking through from between the houses across the street obstructed Buffy’s vision enough for a few moments enough so that all she could tell was that someone with a lot of bags was standing in front of her house.
Then, once her eyes adjusted to the bright light…
“William?!”
Logically Buffy knew she had to be going crazy; that the wine had gone to her head…hell, it was even possible that she had fallen asleep and this was all some sort of a dream.
What was not possible was the idea that William was standing on the sidewalk in front of her house.
Except that she was running down the walkway as Not-William stared at her in awe and now she was there and her arms were around his neck and…he felt real enough. Knowing that this would all probably end much too soon—that she would wake up or whoever this person was would shove her off them—Buffy held on tightly, concentrating on every little thing she could feel: from the ways his hair brushed against her arms to the way the button on his jacket was poking her stomach through the thin material of her t-shirt.
“Buffy?”
Why the hell was he sounding confused? He was the one who had showed up in front of her house, what did he have to be confused about?
“You’re the one that came here. Shouldn’t you know where here is?” she wondered, still not willing to pull away from him for fear that it truly would all have been an illusion.
“I’m just…this is real?”
“You’re not losing your mind on me, are you Will?”
“No,” he chuckled softly, tightening his arms that had somehow found their way around her waist. “Just knew I was standing out here trying to convince myself that it would be good to go to your door and then…you’re here.”
“I live here.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Yeah, but my mind’s a little jumbled right now, so…Do you want to come inside?” Buffy finally realized that their little display was likely going to attract attention—attention that would lead to everyone realizing that William was Spike.
Besides, she was just about ready to believe that he was really there, in her arms.
“If you want, yeah.”
Buffy wanted to tell him that things didn’t need to be so…stinted between them but she was still in a bit too much shock over his sudden appearance—luggage in tow—to formulate much in the way of words.
“Come on,” she said simply, helping him to carry his bags towards her front door.
“Buffy?” he said and she stopped but didn’t turn to face him; just the possibility that he was going to change his mind was too much. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too, Will,” she replied, a soft smile on her face and her worry eased somewhat.
***|***
Once they had sat his bags inside, Buffy had insisted on getting him something to eat and drink while he ‘relaxed’ in the living room. He had tried to argue with her but she was determined and he was too tired to fight her enough for it to be successful.
So only now, at seven forty three, after he had eaten his sandwich, were they getting ready to talk.
When neither of them had said anything for several moments, Buffy laughed nervously, “You know, this isn’t exactly how I pictured things when I used to imagine you coming back.”
Spike fought hard not to give any mind to how she had used the past tense in regards to picturing his return, knowing that he would lose hope if he did.
“Yeah? Then just how did you picture it going?”
“Bit less with the PG rating,” she confessed. “But things change.”
Spike knew what he had to say.
It was just a matter of saying it.
“Do they really?” he questioned.
“What?”
“Do things really change?”
“Of course they do,” Buffy interrupted.
“—Or do people just tell themselves that to make it easier when they’ve moved on…is it just a way for people to absolve themselves of guilt?”
“One: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Two: People are things, too so saying people change is the same as saying things change.”
“No, it’s not, Buffy,” Spike corrected, his voice gentle but unmistakably serious as well. “Saying ‘things change’ is a hell of a lot different than saying ‘I’ve changed’.”
“Fine, so maybe it is. What’s your point? And what’s it have to do with anything?”
“What it has to do with is…I’m here—“
“I noticed.”
“—and I’m taking a bit of a professional break—“
“I heard.”
“—and I need to know where we stand.”
“What?”
“I need to know where you and I stand with…everything.”
“I got that you meant that,” Buffy said slowly. “I just don’t know what you mean.” But before he could question what she meant, Buffy thought of something else. “I don’t need some apology like those twelve step things tell you to give. We said we would make this work but it didn’t and that’s that. There’s nothing either of us needs to apologize for.”
“Well,” he said slowly, “you might want to apologize for thinking the only way I’d ever take this break was if I were going to rehab.” He was angry. Being angry was good. Being angry didn’t allow him the displeasure of thinking how far he must have fallen in her mind for her to imply something such as that.
“That’s not what I was thinking—not what I am thinking. But, God, William, even if I were, what right do you have to be mad at me for it? Don’t you remember how you use to rant on for days every time some band broke up or some singer retired? You’d go on and on about how stupid the were to give it up and how you’d never do that when you got famous. You always told me that you were going to do it till they day you died,” Buffy hadn’t meant for her whole speech to sound so…passionate but William being back and her continued confusion over the whole situation had her a swirling mass of emotions.
“Bollocks!”
“Don’t call me a liar! I know you re—“
“And don’t tell me you don’t remember what happened that day you got tired of all my moaning,” Buffy knew that if it had been a different time and place, she wouldn’t have let that comment pass. But it wasn’t a different time or place; it was here and it was now. “You told me that you were sure there was something I would give all of it up for. Remember that?”
Buffy did not answer him though they both knew she remembered the event clearly.
“I want to hear you say it. Tell me what happened, Buffy. Tell me,” he ordered. Still she stayed silent, not ready to answer him for fear of what her answer would mean. “Dammit, Buffy, I’ve been up since seven o’clock this morning—and that’s fucking Copenhagen time—twenty one god damn hours and I’m too tired for this. Just tell me.”
Now if she had thought about it, she would have realized he had been awake a very long time—poor guy never could sleep on planes—but, she really hadn’t thought about it. Until now that is.
“You said,” she finally replied, “that you were sure there wasn’t and so I told you to think about it—mostly just because I figured it would get you to shut up, not because you’d actually think about it.”
“And then what?”
“You came over to my house in the middle of the night and told me.”
“Told you what?”
God, why was he making her do this? “You told me you knew something that you would give it all up for.” He just looked at her expectantly. “Me.”
“That’s right,” he said needlessly. “I told you that I would give it all up for you; to be with you.”
He stopped then, didn’t say anything more and it took a few seconds for Buffy to catch on, but when she did…
”What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I’m giving it all up.”
Several more moments passed.
“And what if I…” she trailed off, not even sure what she was attempting to ask.
“What if you don’t want me? What if you’ve got somebody else?” While each suggestion pained him to say, he knew he had to; he needed her to fully understand what this was. What he was doing. “Then I’m still here.”
“You wouldn’t leave?”
“No, love, I—“
“Don’t you remember how much you wanted to do all this—all that? How happy it makes you? That’s your life, William—we all have things from our past, but…you’ve got to live your life the way that makes you happy, Will and I know that makes you happy.”
“Did.”
“What?”
“It did make me happy. I’m lucky to have all of it, I know that. But…We used to talk about all of the stuff I would do; how I’d have a huge house with a pool, see Paris at night, vacation in Italy, all of that. But you know what? I always used to picture you there with me.”
“You know I said—“
“That you weren’t going with me. I know that and I got it. The thing is, though…I’m doing all of those things—all of those things and living the whole rock star lifestyle and… It doesn’t matter how long I was gone, how many places I went, how much I did, who I met, how many women I was with, where I knew I was going—None of it was what it should have been because you weren’t there.”
“Hate to break it to you, but I’m not going to be joining you and another woman in bed any time—well any time ever.”
“You’re not—you’re not getting it. I have more money that I need; women that every guy wants, want me; I have a huge vacation house—with a pool—in France; I’m up there on a stage and…I’m making my living doing what I’ve always wanted to do, Buffy.”
“Not really seeing the problem.”
“You’re the problem.”
“Gee, thanks,” she knew she sounded snide but she didn’t much care.
“You not being there is the problem. I get on stage and I want you there watching. I record a new song and I want to know what you think. I take two weeks to do nothing but hang around my house and I want you tempting me into the pool. I go back to my hotel room, back to wherever I’m staying and I want it to be you that’s going back with me. I’m having a shit day and I want you there making it all better just by smiling at me.”
“You could get Gwen to give me your schedule and the hotel numbers and I—“
“Yeah, you could call me. Or I could do what I’m doing.”
“What…exactly is that?”
“Coming home.”
***|***
TBC.......
more author's note...I'm writing some fics for the 'Art Before Fic' Challenge at Spuffy_Haven (on Livejournal)...once I decide just how much I want to break my 'finish writing fics before posting them' rule, I'll start posting here as well.......And no I have no idea if that had a point other than to let those of you who see the fics on LJ know when they'll be here
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Congratulations to everyone who won at LLGA (sadly doesn't include me but that was expected--at least on my end) :) and thank you to the person who added me as their favorite author, I believe it was pixiecorn but if someone else was the latest...well then I'm sorry for getting things mixed up :) ...more at the end of the chapter