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Dawn crossed her arms as she headed to the magic shop. If she was lucky, Xander would be there, but she could live without telling him right now. She had to find a way to get back at Buffy. Buffy deserved whatever she got. It wasn’t fair that Buffy had come between her and Spike, then treated him like she had.

The bell tinkled as Dawn walked into the shop. Anya looked up at her but didn’t say anything. Good. Dawn didn’t want to be bothered. She looked around the shop before heading over to the bookcase. She discreetly nosed through the bindings before she saw one that caught her eye. White Spells: Magic for Love and Happiness.

She peeked over at Anya, who was helping a customer, before sliding the brown leather book into her jean jacket. It was a small book and fit in the inside front pocket easily. After getting what she came for, she left the shop quickly.

She didn’t want to run into Buffy on her way home, so she took the long way back to Revello drive. She had nothing to say to her sister. She didn’t want to have the talk right now. She couldn’t stand to talk to her sister. But everything was going to be fine very soon.

On her way home she stopped to gather the ingredients, after picking out her spell, but there was one that she couldn’t find. There was a lithium quartz crystal that she needed, and she knew Spike had one. She rushed to his crypt, knowing Spike wouldn’t be there, so she would be safe. She could do the spell and clean up before anyone knew anything and she could go home.

She closed the door behind her and headed downstairs. She found the crystal in the trunk in the corner of his crypt, and she set up the spell on the other side of the bed. She sat in the circle of yellow, smelly powder and turned to the page that she needed. Problems Silenced. She chanted the spell and she had a little trouble pronouncing the words, but she didn’t think that would matter, and when she finished there was a crackle of energy and a purple flash of light came out of the circle.

Dawn panted slightly and she wobbled as she got to her feet, but she smiled. Everything should be fine now. The problems should have gone away and everything was back to normal. She cleaned everything up and put Spike’s crystal back. She dumped the rest of the ingredients in a garbage can outside of Spike’s crypt and she pocketed the book before heading home.
***

Buffy could feel the tension rolling off Willow as they headed to the Magic Shop. Buffy wanted to stay home and talk to Spike more, but she couldn’t risk something happening to Dawn. She wanted to say something to Willow as well, but she didn’t know what. She wasn’t going to let anyone tell her what to do anymore. She just wasn’t sure how she was going to tell everyone that she wanted to be with Spike.

The entered the magic shop where Anya was now dusting. “Hi Anya,” Buffy said. “Have you seen Dawn?” If Dawn wasn’t here, she didn’t know where else to look. She would have to wait until sunset to get Spike to help her, if he would.

“She was here not that long ago,” Anya said. “She wasn’t here for long, but she looked upset. Came in, went to the back of the shop and left.”

Buffy sighed and sat at the table. “I did not expect her to be like this,” she whispered. She thought Dawn would be happy that she and Spike were together. She didn’t count on Dawn resenting her for taking him away from her. She didn’t even think about that. She really hadn’t thought about anyone while she was fooling around with Spike. Of course she didn’t think of anything while she was with Spike. She was just feeling.

“What happened?” Anya asked.

Willow looked at the girl. “Buffy’s having sex with Spike and Dawn didn’t take it well.” Buffy heard the bitterness out of her voice, and almost winced. She knew Willow wouldn’t be able to be on her side over this especially since Buffy kept it from her so called best friend.

Anya giggled. “Good on you, Buffy.”

Buffy looked at the ex-demon with wide eyes. “Excuse me?” she asked in shock. Anya’s eyes twinkled in amusement and Buffy couldn’t understand that. Anya approved? What about Xander? She knew Xander wouldn’t go for that and he would resent Anya for being on her side.

“I’ve just been waiting for you to actually come at say that Spike gives you orgasms,” Anya said.

“You knew?” Both girls asked.

“It was hard not to,” Anya said. “You mean you didn’t notice the difference in Buffy? She was glowing sometimes. So she was happy. What’s the big deal?”

“It’s Spike,” Willow said. “He’s tried to kill us so many times.”

Anya raised an eyebrow. “For the past year or so, he seemed more interested in Buffy then killing anyone,” she said, putting her duster down.

Buffy folded her arms over her chest. “But he’s a vampire,” she mumbled. “It doesn’t matter anyway. He wants to be left alone.” She let out a soft breath. He deserved to be left alone. After what she had done to him, she deserved whatever treatment he gave her. She just hoped that he would forgive her soon and she could make it up to him.

Willow rolled her eyes. “Buffy, he’s a vampire,” she repeated.

“I don’t care!” Buffy screamed, glaring at her friend. “I care about him, Willow. There’s nothing you can do or say to change that.” She held her stomach as it knotted up. “Anya, if you see Dawn, can you just ask her to call home.” She chewed on her lip as she left the shop. She really needed Spike right now, but she couldn’t push. What should she do now?

She headed home, hoping to see Dawn on the way, but no such luck. She closed her front door wearily, and rubbed her face. She was tired. She went towards the stairs, but paused because the T.V. was on in the living room. She saw Spike on the couch and she met his eyes. “I guess Dawn’s not here huh?” She asked.

Spike shook his head and took in her appearance. “You look tired,” he said. “You okay?” She knew she had dark circles under her eyes, and that she looked like crap. More so then she usually did nowadays.

Buffy opened her mouth to say something but closed it. “I’m fine,” she said, putting on a fake smile. “If Dawn comes home, let me know.” She turned on her heel and trudged up the stairs. She wiped a lone tear that escaped from her eye and made her way to her room. Who knew that it would be this hard to stay away from Spike? She had always told him she couldn’t stand to be near him, but she knew she had been lying to herself. Feeling like her bones were made of lead, she dropped her tired body on top of the covers. She almost wished Spike wasn’t here. Having him here was making it all the more harder for her to deal with.

She looked up as she heard someone on the stairs. Spike appeared in her doorway, and he raised an eyebrow as he leaned against the doorjamb. “Buffy?” He was breaking his own rules by coming up here, but she didn’t know what that meant.

“I’m fine,” she repeated. “Just want to lie down.” She was quickly learning how Spike felt every time she walked away from him. It was not fun to be alone. Right now, that’s what she wanted. Just to be alone. She knew Spike was just up here to make sure she was okay. He was still pissed at her, and he would be for quite some time. But she couldn’t deal with that right now. She could deal with him being mad at her, but not right now.

He raised an eyebrow and approached her. “Buffy,” he said, softly. He sat next to her on the bed. “What happened?”

She sniffled and looked up at him. “You’re making this hard on me,” she said. “You wanted me to leave you alone, and I’m trying.” She pulled her knees up to her chest and shuddered slightly. The tingles that she got whenever he was near started on the back of her neck were already spreading over her skin. Her body was already calling for his. Stupid body.

Spike went to reach for her but she pulled back. “Buffy, I’m just worried,” he said, in a quiet voice. “And I didn’t say that you had to leave me alone. But you really hurt me and I just needed to figure things out for myself.”

“Well don’t be worried,” she grumbled, before she started coughing. She felt like she was being suffocated as she pushed herself up into a sitting position. Blue smoke filtered into her room and her eyes widened as the smoke slithered into her mouth. Spike was trying to talk to her as she grabbed at him for support, but apparently he couldn’t see the smoke. She finally stopped coughing and rubbed her watery eyes.

“You okay?” Spike asked, his hand gently resting on her back.

She nodded. “I’m fine,” she said. Or at least she thought she said. She tried again, but no words came out. She pushed Spike out of her way and she ran into the bathroom. She looked at herself in the mirror and watched herself as she tried to talk, but no words came out. Not again!

Spike joined her in the bathroom with concern. “What’s wrong, Buffy?” He asked.

She looked at him and rubbed her throat, trying to convey to him that she couldn’t speak. This was the worst time for her lose her voice. How was she going to fix things with Dawn or Spike if she couldn’t talk? Great. This was just what she needed. She wouldn’t even be able to tell her friends to get lost when they pissed her off. She would have to suffer through the arguments that she knew would be coming with out a peep.

“You can’t talk?” he asked and she nodded. “How did that happen?” He held up his hand. “Don’t answer that. Come on pet,” he said, grabbing her hand gently. “Let’s call the witch.” Not like she could answer any questions he asked her.

Buffy followed him down stairs and sat on the couch while Spike went into the kitchen to call Willow. She could almost hear him start to yell into the phone, but he never did. He came back into the living room and joined her on the couch. He slid his arm around the back of her shoulders and kissed her temple. “We’ll figure this out Buffy,” he said, softly. “Red and Demon girl are on their way over now.”

Her body had tensed and relaxed quickly when his arm had gone around her. If he was offering it, was she supposed to take his comfort? She leaned into him a little but kept her eyes on the carpet under her feet. She couldn’t say anything, just sit here with him. She could see everything falling apart already. Without her voice, she couldn’t tell him how much he meant to her or what she was feeling, and she sure has hell didn’t know how to show him with the rules he had set.

“Buffy,” he said, softly, turning her head toward his. “It’ll be alright.”

She rolled her eyes. It was not going to be alright. Not if she had no voice. Didn’t he remember what that felt like? It was hard not to have a voice, and with everything she was going through with him, it was going to get worse. She got off the couch and went to the kitchen to dig in the drawers. She found what she was looking for when she pulled out the wash board and marker from the first time she had lost her voice. She went back to the living room and sat next to him before she began to write down what she felt she needed to say.

‘Spike, without my voice, nothing is going to get fixed.’ She held up the board for him to see with a raised eyebrow.

“Red will fix it,” he answered, meeting her eyes. “And we can continue to work things out.” He reached out to cup her cheek but the door banging open startled them both.

Buffy stood up as Dawn came into view. She tried to say her sister’s name right off the bat forgetting she had no voice. She looked over as Spike came to stand next to her. “Buffy lost her voice,” he said, crossing his arms.

“What?” Dawn asked, mirroring Spike’s pose, with a tilt of her hip. “How did that happen?”

Spike glanced at Buffy who was staring at the floor. “We don’t know,” he answered. “The witches are on their way over to figure out what happened. You okay?”

Buffy wanted to talk to Dawn desperately. She wanted to explain to her what had been going on, but she couldn’t right now. She reached out to touch Dawn’s arm, but Dawn flinched away from her. “Just because you lost your voice doesn’t mean I’m going to forget what you did,” Dawn said, shooting daggers at Buffy. “As far as I’m concerned, you deserved what you got.” With that, the teenager turned on her heel and went upstairs.

“Buffy,” Spike said, moving into her line of vision. “I’ll talk to her. Make her understand.”

How would he do that? Buffy wondered as she watched his form slink up the stairs. No one would be able to make Dawn understand and she knew it. Her sister hated her for taking Spike away from her. And right now, it would very hard to fix. With everyone.
***

A week later, Buffy’s voice still hadn’t returned, but Tara had determined that it was a spell. Even more so, things between herself and Spike had gotten considerably more difficult. He wanted to help her through what she was going through, but it was hard on her. All she wanted to do was crawl into bed and hide, and Spike seemed to want to do that with her. But they hadn’t worked things out. It was impossible to when she had no voice.

Spike was staying with them, just to make sure everything was okay. He was staying in her mom’s old room after a fight with Willow and Xander had resulted in Willow moving out. That was a day that Buffy couldn’t believe. She couldn’t even put in her two cents for the fight, and all her friends did was criticize her about how big of a mistake she was making. Spike had come to her rescue however and told them that what she wanted out of life was her choice. If she wanted to be with him then they would have to get over it. But then he told them that they weren’t together anymore so they could relax. It felt like a knife to the heart that she couldn’t explain to them in front of Spike that she wanted to be with him. All she had been able to do was grab his hand in front of her friends as she wrote down on her board that she wanted to work things out with Spike.

Willow and Xander had continued their lecture and Buffy had all but lost her mind. She wrote down on her wash board for Willow to move out and she wasn’t joking. Since then she had given Willow the cold shoulder.

Dawn was still not speaking to her, but Buffy felt like something was wrong with sister. Something was off. What hurt even more was Spike and Dawn had seemed to be rebuilding their relationship. They spent time together and they talked a lot more then Buffy ever did with either of them. She felt very left out.

Now, she was standing in the kitchen doing dishes and Spike was upstairs helping Dawn with her homework. She wasn’t surprised. That was like a routine most nights. She finished her last dish and placed it in the drain before drying her pruney hands. She almost felt like crying as she headed upstairs for a shower. On her way to her room she crashed into Spike.

“Sorry Pet,” he said, helping her to her feet. “You okay?”

Buffy stared at his hand where it was stroking her arm. What was he trying to do to her? She nodded in response to his question as she looked up to meet his eyes. She really wished she had her voice, because her wash board was in her room. Their bodies were so close that Buffy could feel desire swirling in her blood. Why did he keep doing this to her?

“You sure?” he whispered, moving closer to her. “Should have been paying attention to where I was going.”

Buffy mouthed the word yeah as her eyes darted around. Her heart was racing, and she felt a blush creep up her cheeks. She thought he was going to kiss her, but he didn’t. He gave her a sexy smile and moved around her to head downstairs. She shuddered and went to her room to gather things to take a shower. She really needed one now.

After a hot shower, she went back to her room and pulled out her sign language book. She wasn’t sure if Tara would ever be able to break the spell and to be honest, Buffy was terrified of never getting her voice back. Her stomach rumbled as she ran through the alphabet, and she picked up her book to take it downstairs to the kitchen.

She set it on the counter, open to the page she had left off on, and opened the fridge. What to eat, what to eat, she said to herself. She shut the fridge only to open the freezer. She smiled and pulled out the carton of chunky monkey ice cream. She grabbed a spoon before sitting back down to study. She hadn’t been looking at the page and practicing her signs for more then five minutes when she noticed Spike standing next to her.

“Pet?” He asked softly, as he sat next to her. “What are you doing?” He peered over to stare at the page and then he looked at her. “You’re going to get your voice back.”

She looked at him with a cocked eyebrow. How did he know that? She picked up the pen and paper from the counter and placed it in between them so he could read while she wrote. ‘What if I don’t?’

“I’ll love you anyway,” he said, softly.

Spike hadn’t said that to her since their fight and it was enough to make her heart lurch. Her eyes met his and she could almost feel as if they had made a breakthrough. She went back to the pad. ‘Well if it’s permanent, then I need to adapt.’ She hadn’t gone on patrol since she lost her voice, only because Spike had said that since they didn’t know the after effects of the spell it wouldn’t be safe.

“Buffy,” Spike said, in that voice that she knew he was going to try to talk her out of it. He turned her on the stool and cupped her face. “We will fix this and you will be back to normal.”

She turned her head slightly to write on the pad, ‘But we won’t.’ She could feel a lump forming in her throat as she wrote that, but she continued. ‘I don’t know how fix the mess I’ve made without my voice. I don’t know how to show you.’

He turned her face back toward his and stroked her cheeks. “You had to know that it was going to be difficult even with your voice,” he said. “And I think we’ve already made some good steps. You’re friends got your message right?”

‘But you’re not touching rule makes it even worse,’ she wrote. And he kept breaking it. They didn’t have any real sexual touches, but that was what was making it harder. He was giving her little touches, tender touches that she had never allowed before. And she felt like she would be breaking the rules or she would scare him off if she broke the rules like he did.

Spike dropped his hands and sighed. “I’m sorry, Buffy. I’m probably confusing you right now,” he said, as he stood up. “I wanted some space from what was going on with us to try and figure out what I wanted out of life or unlife. But I’ve been thinking. You and Dawn are fine, and I think it would be best if I went back to my crypt.”

Buffy shook her head vehemently as she stood up. She grabbed his arm with a firm grip as she shook her head no. She pulled him back over to the counter so she could write on the pad. ‘I like having you here. And I want you to be happy. I want to be that one to make you happy.’

“Oh love,” he said, sadly. “I get that. I do. But I can’t go back to what we were before. If we are going to have a solid relationship, a real relationship, then we have to trust each other. If we don’t have that, it’ll never work. It’ll never be different.”

‘I can’t show you that things are different if you keep me at an arm’s length’ she wrote before putting the pen down. She knew he needed space, but how long would this go on? Did he want to be with her or not? She’d rather him tell her right now that she had messed up so badly that it was beyond repair then give her false hope. She sighed and bit her lip before picking up the pen. ‘Want to go to the movies or something? At least to see how it goes?’

Spike smiled and reached out to cover her hand. “I think that would be okay,” he said. “And if it helps, I do miss you.”

And she was right here. That sucked. But at the same time, he said they could go out on a date kind of thing. She smiled up at him before taking her book and her ice cream to her room. She sat on her bed with a goofy grin on her face. But how could she take the next step with him? She had to figure out how to make it a good date for the both of them without pushing him too far.
***

The date for the movies had finally come and Buffy had butterflies in her stomach. Spike had asked her what day she thought she’d like to go out and they had decided on a Friday. The entire week before their date, Buffy had been going crazy. She didn’t know what they were supposed to do with each other or more importantly what to wear. She didn’t want to wear something that looked like she was desperate.

There were clothes all over her room and she stood in the middle trying to decide. Finally she decided on a pair of pale blue jeans. But that was it so far. She changed into them and looked at herself in the mirror. They were low rise and showed off her legs very nicely. And now for a top. She had so many shirts it wasn’t funny. She crouched down to dig through a pile and found the perfect one. It was black, sheer georgette top with sparkly beads trimming the V-neck and ruche shoulders with fluttery short sleeves. She smiled happily as she slid it on over her black bra. It was perfect. She pulled out her black pumps and slid them on her feet. She applied a little make up and pulled her hair back into a barrette. She thought she looked good for a casual date to the movies.

Heading downstairs, she tried to calm the butterflies in her stomach. She kept playing with the sliver bracelet on her wrist as she came all the way down to where Spike was waiting for her by the door. He had on his blue button down shirt over his black t shirt but it was buttoned up. He had traded in his tight jeans for some black trousers, and Buffy couldn’t help but notice how good he looked.

She smiled at him as she came up to him and he helped her put on her short leather jacket. “You look beautiful Buffy,” he said in her ear as he slid the smooth leather over her shoulder.

Her heart did a flip as he opened the door for her and she heard the jingle of the keys in his hand. That meant she didn’t have to walk in these shoes, thank the lord. She felt like an uninterested girlfriend, being unable to talk to him properly as he opened the door to the jeep. He was being such a gentleman if he was going to be like this all night; he was going to make her fall for him even more. And she couldn’t even tell him that. She didn’t want to write on a piece of paper that she had stronger feelings for him then he realized. She wanted to tell him herself, so she hoped she got her voice back as soon as possible.

Spike pulled into the movies and when she got out of the jeep, he grabbed her hand. She looked up at him with questioning eyes and he smiled back at her. He didn’t say anything about it, just asked her what movie she wanted to see. She stood with him at the movie posters before she pointed to the one she wanted. She had thought about what movie they were going to see before, and she wanted it to be something that he could enjoy as well. She squeezed his hand as he paid for their tickets as she headed over to look at the consestion stand. She was hungry.

He joined her a few seconds after, slipping his arm around her waist. “Usual Coke, Pet?” He asked and she nodded. That was so sweet that he knew that. She pointed inside the candy case at some skittles with a smile. He paid the woman then handed her the soda and her candy as he picked up his own soda. He took rested his hand on her back as they went to their theatre.

Buffy lead them to the middle so they had a perfect view of the screen and she seated herself in the fold down chair. She hadn’t been to the movies in so long, and being here with Spike meant so much to her. Her heart was pounding in her ears as his arm went around the back of her seat. He wanted to be close to her and she thought that was a step in the right direction. The lights dimmed and the credits started to roll so she opened her skittles. She giggled silently when his fingers went inside her candy bag. He was definitely a silly vampire, but she was okay with that. The movie itself began to start, and she tried to focus, but she knew it would be hard. Especially since his hand had started slight caresses on her shoulder shortly into the movie. She would have to find out what his intentions were before things got out of hand again.

*

The movie had gone smoothly, and the car ride home had been made in comfortable silence. Spike opened the door for her, like he had all night, and gripped her hand as they walked up to the front porch. Before they went in he stopped and turned her toward him, and she thought he was going to kiss her.

“Buffy,” he said softly. “I know you said that I was making things hard for you by breaking my own rules, but I wanted you to know that it was okay.”

Buffy thought that her heart would burst as a smile came across her face. Was that permission? She shifted closer to him and she leaned forward to kiss him. However, what she got was unexpected.

Spike placed his finger over her lips. “Buffy,” he said. “I didn’t mean…” He sighed and backed off. “Maybe this was a bad idea.”

Her smile faded instantly as she swallowed past the lump in her throat. She opened the door and went inside, leaving it open for him to come in. She headed upstairs, taking off her shoes on the way. She got her room and threw them in the corner before going to the bathroom and locking the door. She slid to the floor as tears welled in her eyes. They had a beautiful night together, just doing something normal for once, and it had been ruined. In the back of her mind she should have let him explain himself downstairs, but the rejection she had felt had just about killed her. Why could they ever get anything right? Maybe she hadn’t… maybe she still hadn’t shown him that things were different. She needed her voice back.


Chapter End Notes:
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