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Author's Chapter Notes:
I know I may have lost a few if not all of my readers for this fic. I lost my drive for this fic and took me so long to get back to it. But its my main focus now, the only WIP I have and I am determined to finish it. So I hope you stick with me to the end.

This chapter is shorter and is done in Buffy's POV. If you don't understand what is going on, I suggest you go back and read chapter 3.
“What do you mean Will? What do you mean he’s not there? He has to be there. Where else could he be? Willow!” I was hysterical, my mind racing a mile a minute. Spike wasn’t in the amulet. My body was suddenly shaking and I could feel hot tears flowing down my face. My best friend was at my side in an instant.

“Shh shh Buff. It’s going to be ok.” She crooned at me. Her words didn’t soothe me, instead I felt anger boil to the surface.

“OK. How can it be ok? He’s not there!” I stood abruptly, almost sending Willow flying backwards as I did so. But at that moment the only thing I felt was my heart breaking. Spike was gone. I couldn’t get him back. I stormed out of the room and down to the basement to the kick bag Giles had insisted that I get put in. Screaming, I kicked the bag, sending it flying back. As it swung back towards me I let my fists fly, hitting it over and over until sobs took over my body. I collapsed to the ground in one big Buffy mess, not thinking of the bag, not thinking that it could come back and hit me. My heart ached and that’s all that mattered. My Spike was gone. I would never have the chance to tell him that I loved him, to tell him that I really meant what I had said before he had saved the world. I knew he didn’t believe me when I told him, thinking I was saying it because he was about to die. But now I would never have the chance to make him understand I truly meant those three small words that he had been waiting so long to hear from me.

“Buffy.” I looked up and saw Willow holding the kick bag with both hands. She let go of the bag gently before crouching to my side.

“Buffy…”

“He’s really gone Will. He’s never coming back.” I whispered.

“He’s gone.” The words seem to echo around the basement. They seemed so false, so hollow. I fell into sobs again. All Willow did was hold me, occasionally stroking my hair as she always did every other time I had cried in her arms. I don’t know how long we were sitting on the basement floor but I must have fallen asleep at some point.

When I awoke, I felt something familiar close by. But not Willow, she wasn’t there. It was someone else. Must have been the dream I was having about Spike. I was curled up on the floor with a blanket snugly wrapped around me. Willow had even put a pillow under my head. God, I love that woman. I sat up and blinked my eyes, trying to clear the sleep from them. My hair fell forward, swishing in front of my eyes. Spike would have loved that.

I got up, trying to push thoughts of Spike out of my head. I wrapped the blanket around myself and trod up the steps, squinting my eyes from the harsh light of the hall above. I have to get that bulb changed. It was too bright. I could hear Willow talking to someone in the kitchen. Curious, I crept silently to the corner. Listening a little more intently, her voice clearer now, I realised she was on the phone.

“No, sorry Faith. Buffy’s not here at the moment….mmhuh, yeah she’s out patrolling…..Giles?....No…..Yeah try him there.”

Not long after Sunnydale made itself into the new Grand Canyon, Faith and Wood had volunteered to take a handful of the potentials, mostly the ones that survived the battle in Sunnydale to Cleveland to set up base around the other Hellmouth. It had never really attracted as much attention as the Hellmouth in Sunnydale for some reason. Faith had decided she wanted to see the world a little more now that she had her freedom and this way she could work and play at the same time. Of course Wood had leapt at the chance to go as well and from passed on information I knew Wood had a job working as a school principal in the area. Getting a call from her wasn’t unusual as Giles liked to keep tabs on everyone.

“Ok Faith, I will pass it on….yep you too….bye.” I stepped into the kitchen, rubbing my eyes a little as Willow placed the phone back into its cradle.

“God, how long was I out?” Willow turned to me and smiled.

“Not long, about an hour I think.” She scratched her head, a thoughtful expression lighting up her features. “I thought I better leave you to it.” She bustled around the kitchen, trying to look busy, and a guilty expression played on her face.

“Want a cup of tea? Giles always says that tea always helps.” I know, haven’t I heard that a million times before. I knew she was babbling, not knowing what to say to me.

“Yeah sure. I suppose it might help a little.” Who was I kidding? Like honestly. Spike was gone. I directed my attention back to Willow who moved around the kitchen, getting everything she needed. Before long she had two steaming cups of tea ready.

“Buff, you going to sit down?”

“Huh?” I realized that I hadn’t moved. Blushing slightly, I quickly moved to the kitchen table and sat down. I watched again as Willow she placed a cup of hot tea in front of me before taking a seat near me with her own cup.

“Faith just called.”

“Oh.” I kinda figured that.

“She wanted to speak to you but I told her you were out.”

“Yeah, not so much with the talking at the moment.”

“Figured. Told her Giles would probably be at the office and to try him there.” She paused, taking a sip of her tea. I knew what was coming. Willow was never one to disappoint. “So how are you feeling, I mean really?” She looked at me with those concerned eyes of hers. What was I suppose to say? I felt like I was dead inside.

“I don’t know how I feel.” I looked vacantly down at my tea, wishing that everything was a misunderstanding. I knew I needed sleep. Lots of it. Sleep was comforting, I could find Spike in my dreams at least.

“I need to go to bed Will, sure you still wanna stay? The offer still stands you know. Dawn is over at a friend’s house.”

“Yeah why not? I’ll crash in Dawn’s room. I’m sure she will be thrilled.” Willow let out a small, light laugh. Dawn had always looked up to Willow although she could never really pinpoint why. Maybe it was the fact that she packed some serious power when she needed to or the fact that ever since Tara had passed away being close to Willow meant still having a bit of Tara around.

I wasn’t going to worry about it now. It hurt my head. Everything hurt my head. Thinking hurt. Discarding my full cup of tea on the bench I headed towards the stairs.

“I’m off to bed. Thanks for the tea.” I heard Willow moving around the kitchen again. No doubt she was emptying and rinsing the cups they had used. I paused at the front door, checking to see if it was locked. Sliding the second lock into place, I started up the steps, the light from my room lighting up the small area just enough to see.

I sighed as I remembered the old house in Revello Drive. There were pictures of all our family lining the hall and stair case. Hell, when the whole place went down we didn’t even get time to grab anything. I didn’t even think to throw even a few things into a bag and get Dawn to hold them for safe keeping. I would give almost anything to have some of those things again. Pictures of mum. Pictures of Dawn and me growing up. Pictures of everyone we loved and lost. I stepped into my room and shut the door softly, hearing Willows footsteps on the stairs.

Slumping into the softness of my mattress I heard Willow call out goodnight. I shouted goodnight in return and tucked the covers around me. It made me feel snug and safe. Tonight felt like it was going to be a long night. I needed all the comfort I could get. Although my eyes were heavy, my mind was plagued with memories of Spike. His eyes, his smile, even his God forsaken smirk. I missed it all. All of these things danced in front of me making my heart ache for him more. Finally I slipped into sleep, taking my memory of Spike with me.


Chapter End Notes:
I hope you liked, please review and make my muse happy :D



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