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Author's Chapter Notes:
Special thanks to my friend Bridget for reviewing my language...and thanks to all my friends for Supporting me.
love ya, guys :D
Buffy was standing still. Staring at the empty place where Spike was standing a few moments ago. She didn't move, didn't think, didn't even breathe until she heard the back door slam shut behind him. Part of her wanted to run after him, the part that used to watch him while he's sleeping peacefully, the part that keeps pulling her to him no matter how many times she told herself that this is wrong, the part she liked to call 'weakness'.
With shaking hands, she took off her bathrobe and stepped under the warm water of the shower, placing her hand on the shower handle, she absently started to turn the water colder and colder. Cold reminded her of him, this is what he feels like. She told him she didn't trust him, and told him he was a soulless evil vampire! The soulless evil vampire who almost died in order to save Dawn. Who kept his promise to protect her, who was always there when she needed him. The only one who never demanded any thing from her…all he asked for was love…and that's the only thing she never gave him. Hot tears started falling down her cheeks and her body started to shiver due to how cold the water became, she stopped the water and stepped out of the shower. Drying herself and wearing her bathrobe again, she stood in front of the mirror and stared at her own reflection. She wasn't surprised at how miserable she looked. It would've been easier if he just punched her or told her that he hated her…but no…he always chooses times like these to go all 'insightful Spike' on her and give her long speeches. And her problem was…he was always right. She turned quickly holding her breath when she heard footsteps outside the door. Is he back?!. A knock on the door told her it wasn't him…he would've just walked in.

Xander opened the door, anger clear in his face and voice when he asked, "Buffy, didn't you say you stopped seeing Spike?" Buffy wasn't looking at him, her eyes were hung on Spike's duster that Xander was holding in his hand and she didn't say anything. Studying her face, Xander noticed the red teary eyes and miserable look. He asked with concern

"Are you OK? ...were you crying?!"

Buffy tried to say something but couldn't. Her mouth felt so dry, she was so tired and all she needed was some time alone to try to understand her feelings. She wished Xander would leave her alone.

"Oh my God, Buffy…did he hurt you? ... That son of a…"

"He didn't." Buffy said with a weak and shaky voice, but that was all she could manage right now. She pointed at the duster and asked, "Where did you find that?"

"It was hung on the stair rail." He said handing it to her. Buffy took the duster trying hard not to hold it close to her as she left the bathroom heading to her room. She closed the door behind her and took a deep breath as she made her decision, she'll take the duster to Spike's crypt tonight and try to talk to him. She wasn't sure exactly what she was going to say, but she told herself that once she sees him she'll find the right words. Of all people, Spike was the easiest person she could talk to. She dressed in pair of jeans and a light top. Holding the duster, she went downstairs and left the house ignoring Xander's questioning eyes. She messed things up… and somehow, she's going to fix them.

Walking through the dark streets of Sunnydale, Buffy tried to figure how she's going to fix her relationship with spike. She still can't be with him and she would sound so ridicules if she told him she wants to be just friends, he'll probably laugh at that. She entered his cemetery and headed to his crypt. Her heart beats faster and faster with each step. What will she say to him? How will he react? She stopped right outside the crypt's door. She was so nervous and totally not ready to face him right now. She was actually considering leaving and coming back later

"Calm down, Buffy" she told herself, "It'll be OK…it's Spike!"

Buffy opened the crypt's door slowly, her heart bounding against her chest and her mind still trying to figure out what she should say. She heard the TV and the sound of someone eating.

"Spike!" she called. She took a step back when someone jumped from the chair cursing and popcorn flew all over the place...but it wasn't Spike!

"Where did you come from?" Clem asked, Placing his hand on his chest and breathing hard to calm himself down. Buffy remembered the demon who came with Spike to her birthday.

She smiled as she greeted him, "Hello, Clem!" Clem seemed happy she remembered him and smiled as well.

"Buffy Hi, it's nice to see you...What are you doing here?"

"I'm looking for Spike, actually." Buffy said glancing around, looking for a sign of the vampire.Clem looked a little confused when he asked,

"He didn't tell you?!" Buffy frowned wondering what was he talking about and shook her head 'no'. "He left...town"

Buffy felt her heart dropping to her stomach. She looked at the demon with wide shocked eyes and hardly managed to ask, "He just took off?!" Clem looked even more confused, he smiled as if that would make the news sound a little better.

"I'm surprised he didn't tell you...kind of left in a hurry, I guess."

Buffy swallowed hard trying to fight back her tears and asked, "Did he say when he'll be back?"

"Spike?!... No...I don't think he's coming back." Clem said sadly and Buffy felt thousands of sharp knives cutting through her heart. The idea of Spike leaving her and never coming back made her feel sick and her head started spinning. "He asked me to tell you that the crypt is yours in case you needed it...burn it if you want." Clem barely finished his words when Buffy threw a very angry look in his direction. He said in a small voice, "Those were his words!"

Buffy couldn't take any more, she ran out of the place and didn't even stop when Clem called after her saying something about gathering his stuff and leaving the crypt tonight. She kept running all the way back to her house, and stopped at the front door to straighten herself and wipe her tears before walking into the house. She was grateful no one was awake to see her like this and headed straight up to her room. She changed her clothes and went straight to bed.

Two and half hours passed when she finally gave up her attempts to convince her self that she is sleepy. She got up and got dressed as she decided to take a small patrol. She only walked for thirty-minutes -all she could think of was Spike- when she found herself standing at his crypt's door. Buffy pushed the door of Spike's crypt –her crypt- for the second time this night, only this time she knew it was empty…because spike wasn't there. She always thought there must be something wrong with the people she loved, something that makes them leave her. Now she knows that 'something' was her. Even the one, who she thought would never leave, walked out of her life tonight. However, unlike the others, she can't blame him. He did everything he could to win her heart but failed…or so she told him. The truth was he did, didn't exactly win her heart…he conquered it, invaded it, and owned it. Down to that small place that she never allowed any one –not even Angel- to see, the part of her that no one ever knew…no one but Spike. And she's not allowed to love him back…even when she felt something for him she had to hide it. She can't even show her grief and pain for losing him, at least not in front of her friends.

She walked through the crypt that held most of her good and bad memories of Spike, every memory in each corner made her smile or frown, and every memory brought tears to her eyes. She didn't bother trying to stop them this time...maybe tonight –since no one can see her- she'll allow herself to cry for him, she'll dry her eyes of tears tonight, alone in his…no, in THEIR crypt. And tomorrow she'll be ready to face her new world…a world where she'll never see all the love in his beautiful blue eyes again…ever again. Even when he decided to leave her, he left her the one thing he owned…his home. She headed down to the lower layer of the crypt. Her eyes roamed around the place and stopped on the bed. She slowly walked towards the bed; the tears that stopped a few moments ago…welled in her eyes again…stronger with each step. The moment she reached the edge of the bed, she collapsed and started sobbing hard, she cried out of anger, hurt, and loss. She was angry with her friends for controlling her life, angry with herself for letting them and angry at Spike for leaving her. Why it had to be him that made her feel again?!!, Why not someone she could actually be with?!!

She cursed the hard and cruel world a million times…she didn't want to be here …she didn't choose to be here. Only he could make her go through the day, only Spike gave her part of the peace and happiness she lost when she came back. Just then, the answer to her previous question, the one that she asked Tara before and asked herself every day became so clear, and it hit her that she didn't realize this earlier. She held his pillow and breathed in his scent as she sobbed even harder until there were no more tears she could cry...he has been gone for less than a day and she already missed him so much! She was starting to fall a sleep when his voice echoed in her head,

'you're my soul, Buffy!'

One last tear slipped from her eyes as she finally said the words,

"And you're my heaven, Spike!"

She was happy…and she was warm…and she was loved, she was in heaven…and now she's not. Only this time her friends didn't tear her out. This time…she walked out of it on her own.

"I'm sorry!" she whispered as she fell a sleep holding his pillow…in his bed…in his crypt. Where no one could see her.


Chapter End Notes:
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