Finished
The night used to be my time. I was comfortable in the dark. I was the Big Bad. The Slayer of Slayers. One of the Scourge of Europe. There was nothing I was afraid of. No challenge I wouldn’t meet head on with fists and fangs. I gloried in the violence and mayhem. Even when I switched sides and fought with the White Hats, the night was my time. I just struck terror into the hearts of the demons instead of the general populace.
But that was then.
Now I hate it. I don't even know if hate is a strong enough word. Revile maybe? Despise? It might not even be the night. Just what it brings.
Sleep...I dread it.
That's when the memories are the worst, and the best.. Sad, I know. What can you do? The dreams are getting worse. There was nothing that I could do to save her. No, that's not right, there was one thing I could have done, but I promised her I wouldn't do that. Turning her was NOT an option. It was the one thing that she dreaded, the only thing that terrified My girl. To tell the truth it terrified me as well. What if she turned out the same as my mother? I couldn't bear to see that kind of hatred in her eyes. Oh I know that it would have killed me, it's bad enough that it is shown to me in my dreams, or nightmares as they are. They start out well enough, but, there's always a but isn't there. But they don't stay that way. It's much faster than it was in real life. The Cancer devours her right in front of my eyes. Literally. And every time I am forced to watch my Love die, one way or another. By a disease that no one can control or by my own hand. FUCK!!! You try making that choice. Not real easy is it? Even in a dream? Thought not. So I did the only thing that I could do, I held her hand and said "I love you more than anything in this world or any other” and let her go.
Fuck Off, I can cry if I want to!!
I'm trying to tell you why I'm sitting here at her grave waiting for the sun to come and get me.
I promised her that I would go on, fight the good fight, save the world for puppies and Christmas and all such rot, but it's too hard. Just too hard without her. She said she'd come for me when it was my time, said she just knew that we'd be together again in the end. She said all would be well in the end. But what if she was wrong? What if I never get to be with her again? Still couldn't be worse than my unlife now. Nothing could be worse than this. Nothing. I could end up in hell, and it still won't be worse than this thing that I call an existence for lack of a better word. She sang that she lived in hell cause she'd been expelled from Heaven? I now know what she meant. There is no beauty in my world anymore now that she's gone. No peace, no love. Only hate and rage and hurt and pain. And there is nothing that I can do to stop it. NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not. One. Fucking. Thing!
So I'm done. I've kept my promise for one hundred forty seven years.
Seems fitting doesn't it? 147 days, 147 years?
World can take care of itself now. I'm done.
God she'll be so disappointed in me. That I can deal with. The pain I can't anymore. She died and everything but this shell of a man, monster, whatever, died right along with her.
God I'm pathetic.
But I don't care; I can't bear one more day. I've done plenty of good. The Bit told me that before she left me. So did Red, HELL even the Whelp.
God I miss them so much.
Yes I am crying again, what's it to you? Then Fuck Off and let me finish, not much time left.
So yeah, Red said that I've balanced the scales. That I'm at least on even ground now, and if ever a vamp should get into Heaven it should be me. I'm still not sure. I hope and pray that she's right. Find out soon enough I guess. Sun's only about 3 minutes away. Guess I better finish my tale of woe right?
I fought the good fight, saved the world a few times, big fucking deal. Yoda over in L.A. has done it more times than me, he's still a fucking Neanderthal hair gelled ponce, but he's been there for me when I've needed him. Hope that if I get to heaven, he does too, would be fun to double with 'em, me and my goddess and him and the cheerleader. If you repeat that I'll find a way to fucking haunt your sorry ass!! Love makes you do, and apparently, say the wacky. God I'm channeling her now. Here it comes, it hurts my eyes as it comes over the horizon. Not seeing the sun for almost 300 years will do that to you, so I close them and wait for the burn that I know is coming, an outside pain to match the inner one.
It never comes though. Funny, I thought it would hurt more than this. I think about opening my eyes. Not sure if I should though, what if it's hell? A demon wouldn't feel pain in hell right? It'd be a nice comfortable caress like the one on my cheek right? So I tilt my head down and face my feet, prepare myself for damnation and open my eyes. And.
And the light is blinding. But I can't close my eyes. Because between my legs I see two feet that I know as well as my own. Small, golden and perfect. Attached to two of the most gorgeous legs in history. My head shoots up and there SHE is. My one, my only, my love.
"Buffy?" It's a prayer as it leaves my lips as a sob. And she smiles and nods as a tear slowly trickles down her cheek and she opens her arms to me. ME! I fly into her embrace and sob like a babe. As she holds me for the first time in 147 years three words flow like soothing balm through my being.
Buffy.
Home.
Heaven.
End
Author's Chapter Notes:
Just something I wrote a long time ago when I needed a happy ending.
Disclaimer: Joss owns all, I just borrowed them.
Disclaimer: Joss owns all, I just borrowed them.