After several hours of destruction, Spike sat in his demolished room as he seethed, still not feeling any better. During his rage, he attempted to demolish the room that Buffy had destroyed his heart in.
When this didn’t work, he drowned his sorrows in pints of any spirits that he could get his hands on. This ended when his throat heaved, as he tried to drink cooking Sherry. Being out of liquor, Spike decided to head out to a local bar. He chose a seedy bar that was in walking distance from his condo. He didn’t want to go to Willie’s because he just wanted to be left alone.
He continued to become completed obliviated, in hopes that his alcohol-laden mind would numb his pain and anger. Well his inner pain was eventually repressed. His outer pain, well, that was another story.
SATURDAY EARLY AFTERNOON…….
As Buffy laid on the floor between the realms of asleep and awake, she heard voices as they called to her. Due to the haziness of this state, the voices were muffled, like when your head is underwater, as they filled her ears. Buffy continued to keep her eyes closed in hopes that these murmurs were her inner voices that berated her for what she had done, not someone from the outside as they attempted to breach her walls of numbness. When touches came in addition to the murmurs, Buffy realized that someone was there.
“Spike?” Buffy rumbled in a war-torn voice as she tried to open her swollen, reddened eyes. Since last night, she had remained on the floor as she cried and screamed, while her heart shattered over and over again. Only when the abyss of sleep over took her exhausted body did this cycle end. In the light of day, her self-loathing pushed forward to reclaim its domain in her heart and mind.
“Buffy…..oh my goodness…..what happened sweety?” Willow asked as she knelt next to her broken friend. Anya and Tara stood on the threshold on Buffy’s apartment as they witnessed Willow approach Buffy who was curled in a fetal position on her living room floor. They quickly entered into the apartment, gently closed the door behind them as they watched Willow try to speak to their slightly disoriented friend.
When Buffy didn’t show up for they’re scheduled Saturday brunch, and there was no answer on her cell nor home phone, the ladies because extremely worried. They rushed over to make sure Buffy was ok. Luckily, Willow had the extra key that was given to her, since the trio exchanged keys with each other in case of emergency. Right now was definitely one of those times.
“ Willow …..is that you?” Buffy asked as she tried to blink pass the haze that coated her sight, due to her puffy eyes.
“Yes honey…..we’re all here. We were so worried about you. Here……let me help you up off the floor.” Willow reached forward to aide Buffy to stand. Anya and Tara rushed forward to help her to her bedroom, which the ladies silently decided was the best place for her. Once they arrived to her bedroom, they gently lowered Buffy to her bed. Willow removed her shoes as Tara lowered the comforter for her to enter. As a small child that just had a nightmare, Willow help Buffy get under the covers and then she sat on the bed’s edge as she lovingly brushed stains of golden hair off her forehead. After several moments Anya spoke
“Buffy, what happened? Are you hurt? Who did this to you? Was it Spike?” Anya asked her questions in rapid succession. Willow looked at her with a gaze that screamed ‘shut up’, and then she spoke
“Sweety I know that you’re upset, but we need to know what happened. Do we need to call….ummm….somebody?” Willow asked with apprehension. Buffy looked lost in her words for a moment then her eyes snapped wide open as she sat up.
“No…..no….don’t call anyone! It was my fault! I brought this upon myself! I deserve everything I’m going through now and more! If you knew…..if you only knew…..what I did….you would hate me too.” Buffy declared with strength until the end, when her voice broke as tears flooded from her eyes and tracked down her swollen, tear-battered cheeks.
“Buffy….we would never hate you….never! There is nothing that you could have done that should leave you this torn up! Now tell us what happened!” Anya declared as she stepped closer to the bed. Buffy could see fear as it filled Anya’s eyes as she spoke.
“I….I broke up….with Spike.” Buffy explained as fresh tears traveled down her face. The trio released a breath, that none of them knew they held, with her statement. Anya looked at Willow, then back at Buffy before she lunged forward to grab Buffy in a crushing hold.
“Anya….Anya….” Buffy stammered as she was taken back by her behavior. Well that was until Willow joined in the group hug.
“Guys…guys…..airs becoming…an issue here….” After each lady placed a chaste kiss on one cheek, they extracted themselves from her. Tara stood in the bedroom’s entranceway, until Buffy opened her arms, and Tara came forward for a warm embrace. After several beats, the hug ended with a sweet kiss from Tara upon Buffy’s forehead. Tara stood next to Willow ’s seated form before she spoke.
“Buffy…..you had us so scared….we thought….ummm….we thought…..well never mind what we thought. What’s important that we are here for you.” Willow stated with care. Buffy’s eyes widen and her jaw went slack when Willow ’s words sunk into her mind. She went to say something until Anya interrupted her and spoke
“No….don’t say a word. Please…..let’s move on.” Anya stated brusquely. Buffy nodded, before she asked
“I guess you guys were really worried, huh? I’m sorry. It seems I’m saying that word a lot lately. But I am….I’m truly sorry for making you guys worry. It’s just…..Spike and I….we…no I….broke up with him last night. I’ve been like this ever since. I don’t even know how I got home, nor what time it is. All I know is that there’s a massive hole in my heart that I dug out with my own two hands!” Buffy then started to cry in earnest. Willow leaned forward as Buffy threw her arms around her, to cling to body as she cried. Willow tenderly ran her hand over her golden tresses, as she started at the crown of her head, to where her hair ended mid back.
“I…..I….can’t breathe….it hurts so much. Why? Why…..did I hurt him?” Buffy bawled as Willow continued to stroke her hair in attempts to comfort her distraught friend. Tara quietly left the room to make Buffy some tea to possibly aide in comforting her. Tears welled in Anya’s eyes as she watched her friend break down. After several moments Buffy pulled from Willow ’s embrace and spoke
“I told him that I hate him…..hated him for what he stood for. I told him that he sold his soul for the almighty buck since he works for that…that firm.” Buffy spat as she thought about Wolfram and Hart.
“Buffy…..you know that’s not true. He’s a lawyer just like you. You know that even the seemingly guilty has the right to representation.” Anya appeared as a total contradiction at that moment, her voice sounded strong, as tears rolled down her cheeks.
“But that’s the thing Anya, I know this. I made myself sound like a modern day superhero saying some bullshit that I fight for justice or some such. I know just because I represent the state, that there are still guilty ‘victims’ that we represent. There are people who break the law all the time, but when someone violates their rights I fight for them. The same people that at one time were defended by lawyers like Spike in one case, can be victims in another.” Buffy explained as she slowly sipped her tea that Tara had brought them.
“Then why….did you?” Tara asked hesitantly.
“I don’t know. Over the last few weeks this case has been weighing on my mind. I have been trying so hard to keep my personal life with Spike and professional life with Attorney Eros separate. It worked, for a while. It was like that old adage….out of sight out of mind. But now with the trial weeks away….I don’t know…..I can’t see past it anymore.” Buffy explained as her eyes misted again.
“You can’t or you won’t?” Anya asked boldly. Buffy looked at her with blurry tear-filled eyes and then spoke.
“I guess….both.” Buffy responded as the flood gates of her tears flung open, as the saltwater burned her battered cheeks once more.
SUNDAY…….
After Spike awoke on his living room rug, among the broken shards of glass and wood, a pain that encompassed his entire head, throbbed to enormous portions. This pain blurred his vision, while his eyes fought to open. As he tried to stable his spinning mind, the thoughts of the last few days, rushed forward.
His stomach lurched as he struggled to his feet as he staggered into his bathroom. After the entire contents of last nights alcohol binge emptied into the toilet, Spike dragged himself into his bedroom, as he sought the comforts of his bed.
Once cherished, now painful memories flooded into his mind. Memories of them as their bodies, minds and souls intertwined with passionate embraces, touches and words. A newfound fury blazed forward as Spike started to rip the sheets from his mattress in attempts to clear away any reminisce of her.
With the flurry of his movements, his long forgotten guitar, fell from the corner of the room. The distinctive ‘twang’ of the metal strings as they vibrated off the wood, jarred Spike from his fury. He slowly approached his once main outlet for his emotions. As he picked up his solid black, steel-string acoustic guitar, memories of how he came to this place in his life, rushed forward as the damn that held his past back finally burst.
Throughout his life, Spike would play music to release all the emotions that swirled in his mind. Despite his father’s protests, his mum cultivated his love for the arts; music, poetry and the like. After his mum passed when he was 18, his music was now the only outlet he had. His father didn’t show his emotions nor speak of his feelings of his wife’s passing. This also held true to what he tried to strongly instill in his grieving son. Since his mum, who was the center of his world was now gone, he was left with only one way to express himself that wouldn’t make him be considered being a ‘Nancy boy’. It was his music.
Overnight he transformed himself from a straight ‘A’ college student, whom wore polo shirts and chinos to a ‘punk’ with bleached hair, dressed head to toe black and indulged in life’s excesses; drugs, alcohol, fights and women. This is when his ‘Spike’ persona was born. His father threatened to kick him out or stop paying for school. Spike being who he was, beat him to the punch and in his second semester, he dropped out and threw himself fully into the seedier parts of his new life.
This is when he met Drusilla. His life truly went straight to hell from there. Despite all his problems, Spike was the saner of the two. Drusilla was heavily into drugs and had schizoaffective disorder (1) that would make her at times hallucinate. She professed that she was able to see into the future and claimed that her dolls, especially one named Ms. Edith, would tell her secrets that only she could hear.
Spike was on the path of total destruction, until one night a once-time friend of his saw him in a local bar. Spike was smashed as always. This old friend told him that Spike’s father had cancer and had tried to find Spike for the past two years.
At that moment, Spike made a decision to straighten out his life and go back home. He broke completely from the world that he had known for the last two years. He knew that he broke Drusilla’s heart and when he found out that she had overdosed a year later, Spike was devastated. But he knew that if he had stayed, it would have been both he and Dru found dead on a flophouse floor, with a hypodermic needle suck in their veins.
Spike finished school, went to college and then eventually law school. His father passed away in Spike’s last year of law school, after battling lung cancer for over eight years. His passing was difficult for Spike, but it also made him more determined to become a barrister, which for generations all of the men in his family had been.
Spike graduated valedictorian of his graduation class. He then attended all three levels of training; BVC, vocation, and pupillage(2). After he completed this, he had passed the bar on his first attempt. He practiced several years as a barrister in London, then decided to practice overseas, Boston Massachusetts to be more exact. His thoughts had come full circle as he opened his eyes as calmness filled him. He thought about where he had started out and how he ended up.
‘It’s not the end of our journey that shapes us, it’s the steps that we take to get there.’ Spike thought to himself as he sat upon his stripped mattress and started to strum the strings on his guitar. His eyes slowly closed as the music and lyrics filled his head. His deep baritone voice filled the room as he sang as the memories of the night flashed in his mind’s eye as moving pictures.
* Gone Forever: Three Days Grace http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQk9T_Khd2g website for the song
“Don't know what's going on
Don't know what went wrong
Feels like a hundred years
I still can't believe you're gone
So, I'll stay up all night
With these bloodshot eyes
While these walls surround me
With the story of our life
I feel so much better
Now, that you're gone forever
I tell myself that I don't
Miss you at all
I'm not lying, denying
That I feel so much better now
That you're gone forever
Now, things are coming clear
And I don't need you here
And in this world around me
I'm glad you disappeared
So, I'll stay out all night
Get drunk and fuckin’ fight**
Until the morning comes
I'll forget about our life
I feel so much better
Now, that you're gone forever
I tell myself that I don't
Miss you at all
I'm not lying, denying
That I feel so much better now
That you're gone forever
First time you screamed at me
I should have made you leave
I should have known
It could be so much better
I hope you're missing me
I hope I've made you see
That I'm gone forever
And now, it's coming clear
That I don't need you here
And in this world around me
I'm glad you disappeared
I feel so much better
Now, that you're gone forever
I tell myself that I don't
Miss you at all
I'm not lying, denying
That I feel so much better now
That you're gone forever
And now, you're gone forever
And now, you're gone forever”*
As the last note left his guitar and reverberated through the silent room, Spike let the tears that he held back for the past two days, flow freely. An hour later, among his tears and sorrow, Clem found him.
Clem entered into Spike’s apartment without knocking. Well…..he had knocked, almost non-stop for two days. Since Spike’s noisy neighbor stuck her head out of her door with her nasty rat dog, Muffin the killer Chihuahua, every time he did so, he decided to give breaking and entering a whirl. As he entered into Spike’s apartment, the niggling feeling that something was amiss raised the small hairs on his arms.
Clem looked around the room as he cautiously stepped over the remains of Spike’s once classy living room. Under Clem’s shoes, he could hear glass and wood crackle from his weight. As he walked further into the condo, he could hear the agonizing sound of pain.
“Spike…..hey buddy…it’s me….Clem. I’m comin’ in.” Clem called as he tried to give Spike the space and time he needed to collect him self. As he entered into Spike’s bedroom, he could only see the outline of Spike as he sat on the floor with his back to the wall.
His head rested on his chest and it almost appeared that he was sleeping. With a few deep draws of breath, Spike raised his face and looked upon Clem.
“Spike….ummm….whatcha doin’?” Clem asked cautiously since he didn’t know what to say to his fallen friend. After several moments, a forced chuckle emerged from his throat as he responded.
“I wanted to know what it was like to have your heart ripped out of your body while it’s still beating…..it’s exactly what I thought it would be.”
“So I can assume that you redecorating your living room is part of this little experiment?” Clem asked with a light tone, in hopes to bring his friend out of his slump.
“What can I do for ya mate?” Spike asked harshly
“Me…nothin’. The better question is what can I do for you?” Clem asked with concern.
“What makes you think that I need your bleedin’ help?” Spike growled.
“Oh….I forgot about sarcastic, fucking asshole Spike. Long-time no see.” Clem scoffed back. Another forced bark of laughter filled the room as Spike struggled to stand from his position on the floor. As he stepped into the light that came from the demolished living room, Clem’s voice caught in his throat before he spoke.
“Shit….Spike! What the fuck happened to your fuckin’ eye?” Clem exclaimed.
“Me and a bloke had a disagreement last night. I gave him my opinion he gave me a black eye. I’ve had worse.” Spike scoffed as he tried to pass Clem and enter into the hallway.
“Fuck…..did he also give you a pile of shit to roll in?” Clem exclaimed as he waved his hand in front of his nose in attempts to disperse the foul stench that came off Spike’s form.
“Bloody ha….fuckin’ ha!” Spike growled as he dropped himself on his battered couch. Clem followed him as he finally got a full look at his friend. In addition to his eye that was swollen shut, there was dried blood on his forehead that appeared to come from a gash that was housed in his bleached locks. His lips was slightly swollen and there was a large scrap that adorned one of his sculptured cheeks, which appeared to be road rash.
The collar of his black tee shirt was torn, as if someone held him by it while the placed all those love taps to his battered face. As Clem looked down to his hands, the knuckles of his left hand was bruised, cut and tinged with blood.
“Man…..are you sure that you’re opinion was all you gave him?” Clem asked as he continued to stare at his battered friend.
“I know this sounds cliché, but you should see the other bloke.” Spike jested
“So….can I safely guess that all this (as Clem swept his hand over Spike’s form and then the living room) is due to an argument with Buffy?” Clem asked with trepidation.
“I wish it was just an argument mate. She broke up with me…..Friday night. Been on a bender ever since. Nothin’ else to say.” Spike responded nonchalantly.
“So it’s just over? And you’re fine with it?” Clem scoffed. Spike flinched as his words seeped into his mind. His head fell down in defeat as his cerulean eyes welled with tears.
After several moments, he looked up at Clem. What Clem saw there scared him. His strong, confident and full of life friend…..was reduced to tears. The anguish that filled him, poured from his eyes as he regarded Clem.
“She’s gone…..one minute she was here…..now she’s gone.” With that, a grief-stricken sob ripped from his throat as he buried his face in his hands. Clem slowly approached Spike, sat on the couch next to him, as he placed a comforted hand on his shoulder. The two men stayed that way until the final tear was shed, an hour later.
(1) Schizoaffective disorder is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a mental disorder characterized by recurring episodes of mood disorder and psychosis. Distortions in perception alternate with and occur simultaneously with elevated or depressed mood. These perceptual disortions may affect all five senses, including sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch, but most commonly manifest as auditory hallucinations, paranoid or bizarre delusions, or disorganized speech and thinking with significant social or occupational dysfunction.
(2) The Bar Professional Training Course (Bar Vocational Course or BVC prior to the 2010-2011 academic year) is a graduate course that is completed by those wishing to be called to the Bar, i.e. to practise as a barrister in England and Wales. The ten institutes that run the BPTC along with the four Inns of Court are often collectively referred to as 'Bar School'.
This vocational stage is the second of the three stages of legal education, the first being the academic stage and the third being the practical stage, i.e. pupillage. No person can practise as a barrister unless she or he has successfully completed this course.
** change the lyric from ‘fuck and fight’ to ‘fuckin’ fight for this story
[Reviews - 173]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | 
Chapter or Story
Has been viewed 2449 times
- Text Size +
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | Chapter or Story - Text Size +
Author's Chapter Notes:
Hi everybody. If my understanding is correct many of you felt that Buffy breaking up with Spike came out of no where. I had placed several hints that this would happen, but they were subtle ones. Like from Chapter 10, First Date, when Buffy instructed Spike that they would not discuss the law or their jobs because it would cause an arguement. In the Chapter 21, All Hallows Eve, I put some more subtle hints.....that I guess were too subtle. I went back to All Hallows Eve and wrote a few sentences that expressed her concern with their relationship and if they could survive. I know this doesn't scream....break up.....but people don't always fight and hate each other when they break up. Sometimes different beliefs, feelings, and thoughts on life in general, pull people apart. Hopefully this doesn't turn you off from the rest of my story.
Chapter End Notes:
Thanks for all those that are reading and those that review my work. All your comments aide in my writing. Thank you again. Thanks Sanityfair for being my spellcheck!