Days bled into weeks as the leaves of autumn gave away to the dustings of early winter. Despite how she wrapped her body in layers of cable-knit sweaters and woolen coats, Buffy always felt a chill that was bone deep.
The month of December offered a grateful distraction. As she let herself be swallowed among the faceless, nameless crowds of shoppers. Despite being jarred by shoulders and bags swollen with gifts she felt nothing.
Anya opened her home to everyone for Christmas. Just like Halloween, her home was picture perfect. Small white lights twinkled like stars in the desert sky as they were weaved through the rich fresh garland that trimmed all the doorways, fireplace and banisters. A large white fir tree stood proudly in the corner of the living room opposite the raging fire. The tree was trimmed with more small white lights, various sized silver balls and eloquent hand-blown figurines. A plethora of gifts in colorful wrappings flowed from beneath the tree.
The cozy rooms were filled with laughter and cheer as old and new friends came together to welcome the holidays. Despite the warmness that enveloped her as she walked from room to room her arms remained wrapped around herself to keep out the cold.
When Willow finally found Buffy in front of the fire, her gaze was transfixed as the flames licked and consumed the logs that lay inside the belly of the inglenook. Willow placed her hand gently on Buffy’s shoulder as she spoke.
“Buffy, sweetie, are you alright?” Buffy blinked several times, after the walls of her mind were breeched.
“Huh?” As she turned her head upward, she continued to speak. “Oh….hey Will. You want to sit down.” Buffy asked as she slightly shifted to allow some space for Willow on the settee was placed before the fire. Her stare returned to the flames. After several moments of quiet Willow spoke.
“Buffy, I’m, well actually we, we are really worried about you. You’ve been in a haze since, well since….”
“Since Spike left? It’s ok Will you can say his name.” Buffy whispered as her gaze left the golden blaze and fell upon her friend.
“Buffy, please we want you back.” Willow pleaded as the fingers from her right hand weaved with Buffy’s icy left digits.
“Will, I want to be back. I just don’t know how. It feels like he took a piece of me when he left. I feel so lost without him.” Buffy stated as her eyes filled with tears. “I broke his heart and he left. There’s nothing else to say.” Buffy leaned her head on Willow’s shoulders as soft sobs broke from her body.
“Buffy, honey you need to stop beating yourself up over this. I believe that the both of you needed time apart. Spike made the difficult decision to leave.” Willow explained. Buffy pulled away from her shoulder and looked at her with wide, pleading eyes.
“No Will, you don’t understand. It wasn’t a joint decision for this time spent apart. I told him that I didn’t want him anymore. He left! The only person that could tell me where he is can’t or won’t. I’ve been calling Clem since Spike left after Thanksgiving. I call him like clockwork, same time, same day every week. At first he would laugh and tell me that ‘no, he didn’t know where he was.’ It was almost like a running joke. Three weeks in he told me that he can’t help me, don’t call again and hung up. The only connection I had is now gone!” Buffy explained with newly formed tears as they tracked down her face.
“Buffy, all I can say is this, there’s an old Polish proverb that says “To believe with certainty, we must begin by doubting.” I think that after you’re finished your doubting phase you’ll be able to move forward with certainty. Buffy, while he is gone work on yourself. Become the person that you want to be. Trust that he will be back. If you keep running in place you’ll find that he has passed you by when he does comes back.” After Willow spoke, she stood then placed a chaste kiss to Buffy’s golden crown as walked away. Buffy watched her departure whispered a soft ‘thank you’ as she wiped away her tears. After she collected herself, Buffy stood and joined the festivities with a newfound optimism.
The next month passed in a blur of bridal fittings, bachelorette parties and bridal showers. Anya’s wedding was the last Saturday in January. The wedding proceedings and reception were to take place at a castle-like mansion in Lenox Massachusetts, Cranwell Resort.
The couple treated the six members of their wedding party to a full weekend of being pampered before the wedding that was scheduled at six p.m. After a day in the spa; for facials, massages, manicures, pedicures, hair and makeup, the ladies made their way to their rooms to get ready for the ceremony.
Anya chose a beautiful shade of deep jade green for the simple yet eloquent strapless, floor length, empire waist dress. The flowers were a simple bouquet of bright persimmon colored gerbera flowers. As Buffy placed the silken fabric on her bronzed skin, complimentary of sunless tanning from the spa, she felt goose pimples erupt along her skin. Despite being in numerous weddings before Buffy felt that this was going to be a monumental day.
She couldn’t explain why she felt this way. She just chalked it up to the first of her friends getting married. This in itself would change her relationship with Anya forever. Not in a negative way, just a transformation from the past to the present. They were no longer college buddies who kept in touch. She and Willow were now friends with a married woman. After Buffy placed another thin layer of gloss on her full lips she placed the tube into her clutch and headed off to Anya’s room to help her into her gown.
Willow and Buffy helped Anya into her elegant, form-fitting, mermaid gown, with a small train that trailed behind her. A simple veil held by a silver comb was placed in her golden hair. As Anya stared at her reflection in the full length mirror her eyes shimmered with tears of joy that threatened to spill. With reassurances from her friends she was able to hold them back. A knock announced it was time. The small wedding party of Buffy, Willow and Tara followed Anya out of the suite. They entered a private elevator that would take them to a small room off the reception hall where the vows were to be exchanged.
The wedding itself was small, less than one hundred people. From Xander’s side, most of his family arrived that morning, including his mom and dad. Friends from Xander’s construction business also filled the groom’s side of the room. The bride’s side was filled with mainly friends, as both Anya’s parents were deceased and she was an only child. The three women that surrounded her on this monumental day were her only family.
Willow and Tara were escorted by two of Xander’s relatives and his best friend, Jesse, walked with Buffy. Soon the Wedding March filled the room as Anya’s arm was linked with an old family friend of her father, an African man named, Ta’Hoffren.
The ceremony was simply beautiful. Once Anya and Xander read their own vows there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. As the Justice of the Peace pronounced them man and wife a thunderous applause filled the room as Xander pulled his new bride into his arms and kissed her passionately. Here Comes the Bride filled the room again, as the newly married couple floated down the aisle arm in arm. Sheer bliss filled their features. The only two people they could see were each other.
Once each pair of the bridal party was announced the new Mr. and Mrs. Alexander Harris were presented to the room of joyous family and friends. After they were seated and toasts from Willow and Jesse were given, Anya and Xander had their first dance. As the music of ‘Amazed’ by Lonestar (1) filled the room tears of joy filled the majority of the female persuasion eyes. As the couple danced their first dance as man and wife Buffy’s feelings were conflicted.
She was elated that her friend had found a partner such as Xander to share the rest of her life with. For the first time since Christmas she felt sorrow. Buffy wished that she would find be blessed again to find that kind of love. She knew that she would never find another love like Spike. He was her true love, her match in every way. She could only hope she would find happiness again. After their first dance the couple took their seats and dinner began.
As the conversations and champagne flowed, everyone was immensely enjoying themselves. After dessert was served the DJ started to play more music so the guests could start dancing. Buffy had many dance partners throughout the evening. As the smooth baritone voice of Luther Vandross filled the room Buffy was approached by Xander’s uncle Rory to dance.
As the lyrics of ‘Here and Now’ (2) filled her mind Buffy closed her eyes and blocked out the incessant slightly drunken babbles of Uncle Rory. When the song reached its second cluster of lyrics, Uncle Rory’s motions halted as another deep baritone voice was heard
“May I cut in?” Buffy’s eyelids fluttered as this voice washed over her senses. When she realized who this voice belonged to her lids snapped open. There, standing before her with his hand outstretched was William…..Spike. He was dressed in tailored burgundy dress shirt that was tucked into black tailored trousers. His hair was still bleached and slicked back in his usual style. But the best accessory to his outfit was the fire that was housed in his cerulean gaze.
Buffy moved as a heavenly drawn to the sun, she placed her hand in his. Sparks of electricity flared at the minimal connection. As Spike pulled Buffy into his embrace and the entire world fell away. Stormy emerald met passionate blue. Their bodies swayed in synchronization. Buffy laid her head against Spike’s muscular chest as the lyrics filled her mind.
“When I look in your eyes, there I'll see
All that a love should really be
And I need you more and more each day
Nothin' can take your love away
More than I dare to dream”
I need you” (2)
As the last line rang through the room Buffy burrowed her head into his chest, as silent tears started to fall.
Spike could feel her quiver as he felt her tears stain his shirt. He gently stroked her golden mane as he continued to hold her close. Spike placed a sweet, loving kiss upon her crown as he tried to soothe her. No words passed between them. There was no need they both knew how the other felt. When the last baritone ‘yeahs’ rang through the hall Spike tilted Buffy’s chin upward. He placed a soft yet passionate kiss upon her lips. With that he turned and walked away.
Buffy stood in the middle of the dance floor, eyes closed, her chin still tilted heavenward. As her eyes fluttered open she noticed that Spike was gone. Her mind questioned if she had just imagined him there. Then she heard his deep, penetrating laugh float towards her ears. Buffy turned her head towards this beautiful music and saw him with his left hand in Xander’s right as it appeared that he was congratulating him for his beautiful wedding and more so, exquisite bride. After Spike placed a chaste kiss to Anya’s cheek he turned and headed out of the hall.
Buffy shook her mind out of its stupor as she ran. Well as fast as you can in a dress and heels, to the foyer of the mansion. After she finally found her voice she called out to him
“Spike…..Spike! Please wait!” He stopped in his tracks, but remained facing away from her. Buffy walked slowly, almost like she was approaching a scared animal and tentatively reached out. Before she could touch his back she pulled her hand away and spoke. Spike stood rock-steady despite the flurry of feelings that filled his mind and body.
He wanted to turn, pull her into his arms and passionately kiss her until they both only chose to pull apart based on necessary of air and nothing more. But Spike held steady. All these months apart, would be for naught if he gave into his desires.
“Spike, I’m…..I’m….I don’t know where to begin. Are you back in the states? If so, is it permanent?” Then after a few beats, her last question was whispered, “Were you here to see me?” After several moments Spike turned and looked upon her.
His eyes thoroughly studied her. Her lower lip was fixed firmly with her teeth, as she bit into it nervously. Her eyes were hopeful and at the same time fearful to what his response would be. Salty tracks of her tears were still damp upon her flushed cheeks, as her breaths were shallow she appeared to be trying to calm herself.
“Yes…yes and yes…..well partly. Was also here to see the blushin’ bride.” Spike answered. Buffy stared at Spike with a confused expression. After a few beats he clarified.
“Just answering your questions luv.” Buffy’s heart fluttered as he used this term of endearment. As the pair continued to look intently at one another, Spike spoke first to break the stare down.
“Well, I’ll be headed out. Bye, Buffy.” Before he could leave, Buffy’s voice stopped him.
“Spike, do you think…..well maybe….we might be able to….I don’t know….talk?”
“I don’t know…..” Spike retorted with hesitation.
“Look….I’m not expecting anything Spike. I just feel that we left things unfinished. I would really like to sort them out. Please?” Buffy asked as she moved two steps closer. Her essence filled his mind as it overpowered his senses. Following some slow blinks to clear his hazed mind, Spike spoke.
“Just as long as there are no expectations, that’s fine. How about next Saturday afternoon sound?” Buffy’s heart sank since she wanted to bring him up to her room and talk to him now. Reality kicked her hard when she really understood that things were truly different now.
“That sounds great. How about noon? I’ll bring lunch?”
“Brilliant, I’ll see you then. Good night, Buffy.” With that he turned and left the mansion. With a soft response Buffy responded “Good night Spike.”
(1) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJyJwbAa1i8 Amazed
(2) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A31u-dIMT-4
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I hope everyone enjoys this chapter! Thanks again Sanityfair!
Chapter End Notes:
Here and Now is my wedding song. Needed to add this beautiful song to my special story.