The following Saturday couldn’t arrive fast enough for Buffy. She spent the morning indulging body, mind and soul. Completely pampering herself. After a long hot soak, she showered and donned her body with copious amounts of heavy scented creams. When she was done, she wrapped her glowing form with a thick terry-cloth robe padding toward her closet.
As she mulled over what outfit she would wear. She stood in front of her closet. A deep chord of sadness stuck her heart. It was less than a year ago she stood in this very spot deciding what to wear for their first date. Though she knew today wasn’t a date, she still wanted to look perfect for him. Hopefully, today was a chance to apologize for past wrongs so they could move on.
‘There’s that word again, “hope”, that four letter word with thousands of meanings. It hasn’t been to kind to me as of late.’ Buffy inwardly thought as she discarded another ‘no’ outfit in the ever growing reject pile.
Finally, she picked a cream colored cowl neck sweater and an ankle length chocolate brown, suede skirt. Carmel leather knee-high boots complemented the outfit. A simple pair of gold hoops graced her pierced ears. She wore her hair flowing golden waves down her back with two small plaits that ran from each temple and met in the back of her crown, held with an eloquent, yet simple golden barrette.
She kept her make-up minimal, a gentle swipe of bistre covered her lids and a light coat of midnight black mascara was placed on her upper lashes. Lastly she placed a sheer layer of gloss, to her full lips. Once she was through, she stood back and studied her reflection. With a deep breath and a solemn nod she grabbed her faux fur-lined, russet leather trench and headed to Spike’s.
Across town Spike regarded him self in his bathroom mirror as a hint of worry and pent up excitement graced his handsome features. His head was telling him that she was only there to talk about their past hurts and mistakes. His heart and body, on the other hand screamed that this was the woman he loved and desired. All this bullshit he planned to express with words should be expressed by his actions as he possessed her body with his. His impressive erection tented the soft terry cloth that donned his slender hips. As he looked down he casually remarked
“Sorry mate, your not invited to this party. I know you’re upset, haven’t been brought out to play in some time. Well, maybe some day soon I’ll dust you off and let you have some fun. But for now, be gone!” Spike chuckled as he stared at his willful appendage.
As he continued to slick back his bleached tresses, he tried to remember the last time he had sex of any kind. Not since Buffy. He hadn’t even had a proper wank since her. Nothing could replace being sheathed in her fiery depths. ‘No wonder you’re begging for attention.’ Spike thought as he finished his hair. He considered letting Mary and her five friends play. Spike quickly convinced himself that a wank was the only way to guarantee a fruitful discussion would take place. Which would not happened if he greeted Buffy at the door with the raging hard-on that he sported right now. He glimpsed at the time and changed his mind. Buffy was to arrive in a half hour.
‘Plenty of time to shoot my load, but not enough time to get rid of the goofy shite-eatin’ grin I have afterwards. Damn!’ Spike inwardly cursed. “Sorry mate.” Spike apologized to his fifth limb, as he walked towards his closet to get dressed for the ‘talk’.
Buffy arrived at Spike’s condo a half an hour early. She lingered at their favorite take out Chinese restaurant for some time, in an attempt to waste the minutes. After twenty minutes, she ordered then waited another twenty for the food. Afterwards, despite the brisk winter air, she decided to walk the five blocks to his condo. Her gait was casual, again, in an attempt to burn through the minutes. Even after all her efforts to pass the time, she was still at the landing of his building a half an hour before she was expected.
Buffy was tempted to turn and leave, but excitement drove her actions. She pressed the button to alert him she was there. Buffy bounced on the balls of her feet; first her actions were to bring some warmth into her frozen limbs, secondly in anticipation of seeing him again. After she waited several beats for him to answer a frown marred her once eager features.
‘Maybe he doesn’t want to see me. He could have just agreed to meet me so I would back down that night. Now he’s fled again, in order not to see me.’ Buffy’s mind raced with dread.
As she turned to leave, with the heavy weight of defeat and sorrow, his voice broke through the intercom.
Spike dashed from his bedroom as he heard Buffy’s sweet voice fill his apartment. As the towel hindered his mad sprint it fell from his hips, leaving him naked as the day he was born. With the gracefulness of an ox, he plowed into his couch and end table as he tried to reach the Holy Grail, the intercom. As he fumbled with the buttons, he prayed that she hadn’t left, thinking that he stood her up.
“Hello…..hello! Buffy is that you? I hope your still bloody there. I was just getting dressed and was all the way in my room……are you still there? Bloody ‘ell! Shite….where’s my bleedin’ phone so I can call her?” Spike’s voice was broken off as she assumed he was searching for his phone. As she wiped the small tear that had formed at the corner of her eye, she walked over to the intercom system. Buffy pressed the button and spoke
“Hey Spike. I’m still here. Can you ring me up?” Spike scrambled back to the intercom and spoke into the box.
“I’m glad that I caught you. Please come on up.” Spike pressed the door release button and spoke again “Just let your self in, door’s open. Need to finish getting dressed. Can’t meet you starkers, can I?”
As the words left his mouth, he inwardly groaned. He looked down to his exposed member as he thought, ‘my damn willy is overtaking my mind. Behave, or I’ll beat you.’ As his cock jumped in response, he continued ‘Oi, doesn’t help to threaten you with something you want.’
On the receiving end of this comment, Buffy stood as she processed what he had just said. Naked Spike. A flood of desire filled Buffy, her skin tightened, goose bumps erupted all over her tense body. Her panties dampened slightly as visions of him naked danced in her mind. All the sudden she felt extremely flushed, her clothes restricting. Buffy wanted to step outside to let the frigid January air cool her overheated body, but the buzz of the door as it unlocked changed her mind. As she headed towards the elevator, she tried to calm herself for the meeting ahead.
As she reached his door, Buffy’s nerves and mind were on fire. She stood on the threshold of his door taking a deep cleansing breath. Buffy tried to calm herself before she entered his home. The feelings of lust and desire were replaced with dread and regret as she thought about the last time she was there. When she broke his heart and tore a part one of the most important relationships she ever had. The destruction and pain she brought into their lives still burned paths of self-loathing and inner rancor throughout her.
As she hastily swiped away newly formed tears, she inwardly thought ‘This is why I’m here, to face the music of my wrong doings. I need to prove to him and myself that I can take responsibility for my pig-headedness.’ Despite his instructions to just come in, she placed a tentative knock on the door before she entered.
As she entered, the past rushed forward into her mind’s eye.
“We had a connection……but it was always based on lust! Outside the bedroom how compatible are we? Sure we like the same everyday things……like food and sports…..but that doesn’t mean we’re soul mates! Our view of the world in completely different! I fight for truth and the justice for the wronged…..you sold your soul to Evil Inc. for the all mighty buck, as you defend rich boys and girls that think that just because their family has money they’re above the law! We were fooling ourselves thinking we could blissfully ignore this pink elephant in our relationship! Everything that you stand for the minute you put on your suit makes my skin crawl! How could I truly love you, when who you are is all that I hate?”
Ghost-like whispers of these words pervaded her mind as they assaulted her ears. Buffy’s breath caught in her throat, her eyes slammed shut to push away the flashes of Spike on the floor, broken and defeated as he questioned why. Regardless of the words that spilled from her mouth, they never justified the anguish she caused this beautiful man. She knew this now, in a way, she knew it then. She was just was too scared to admit her thoughts and fears were unjustified.
The memories and voices cleared as she heard Spike’s footfalls as they swooshed along the carpet, walking down the hallway to greet her. She was brought into the present, tears stained her cheeks and her heart lay heavy in her chest. She needed to give herself a moment. On a whim, she hurried into the kitchen.
Spike walked into the living room, no sign of Buffy. Apprehension started to bubble forward, with this room being Buffyless, but the sounds of clinking glassware staunched his fears. He followed the sounds. Spike spied her, well most of her, that wasn’t covered by the kitchen cabinet. She was poetry in motion, on her toes, bottom swaying as she attempted to reach the upper shelves. Her muffled voice broke him from his ogling.
“Hey, just getting a few plates and things. Can you grab the take out by the front door? It’s by my coat?” Spike’s eyes blinked quickly as he tried to dispel the lust that permeated his azure eyes.
“Huh….oh yeah. Be right back.” With that Spike took his one last fill, and returned to the living room. Behind the cabinet door, Buffy quickly wiped the tears from her cheeks and eyes, with several damp tissues. With the brief reprieve she had, Buffy was able to collect herself to face him. Her mask of happiness hid the true sorrow she felt.
When he returned, Buffy was setting the table. The process felt so familiar, yet so different. Her thoughts returned to the last time they shared in this domestic activity. Her memories then led to how an hour later she had destroyed both him and their relationship.. Fresh tears welled in her emerald depths. With a deep intake of breath, she instantly pulled them back as she heard his approach.
“Foods a bit cold. Let’s nuke it a bit, and then we can eat. I got all your favs, General Gao’s chicken, spring rolls, pork fried rice, beef and broccoli, and my all time favorite crab rangoons!” After Spike placed the bag on the table, Buffy explained what she purchased as she removed each white and red cartons from the bag. She presented each of the cartons like Vanna White as she turned Wheel of Fortune letters. With a grand smile and a pose.
‘Behold this beauty before me. Has she always been this magnificent?’ Spike thought to himself. At the mere sight of her, his heart and soul was doing an internal Snoopy Dance. Then his mind spoke up. ‘Don’t look at her. Just listen and digest her words like all this food. Then after, if we like what we hear, we’ll pass judgment.’
“Yeah, it’s great. I’m feeling a bit peckish since I skipped brek this morn.” Spike stated as he collected some silverware from the draws. They scooped heaping rations upon their plates, in virtual silence. Both wanted to speak, but were unsure what to say. Buffy heated her plate first, then Spike. As they sat across from each other both started to toy with their food but not really eating. Spike decided to speak first.
“Alright, I guess I’ll go first. I propose that we keep our dinner conversation light. Let’s just catch up with each other. How were your holidays?” Spike asked as he lifted his beer to his full lips.
At first Buffy, wanted to yell ‘How the fuck do you think they were? I was depressed, alone and hurting!’ but she reined in her anger and self-pity and told her self ‘You can do this!’
“Went by pretty fast, always does after Thanksgiving. With the rush to get presents and then with Anya’s wedding, it was mostly a complete blur.” Buffy responded as she crunched into a crispy rangoon. After several chews she asked “Ewu?” and she brought her hand up to her mouth, to block out the mangled food inside.
After a slight chuckle he responded “Not too bad. Met up with a few mates, drank some spiked nog, listen to some Pogues…have you ever heard of Fairytale of New York (1)? Bloody brilliant Christmas song it is.” After Buffy’s head shake he continued “Besides that, welcomed in the New Year with the same mates. All and all, pretty good time.”
“Cool….New Years, just like Christmas, held at Anya’s. Besides nobody to kiss, it was a wonderful time. More General Gaos? Buffy stated as she held up the carton. Despite the small dig the conversation continued in the same manner. They talked but not really conversed. After they finished they cleared away the mess and headed into the living room. Spike sat on his couch. Buffy started to walk towards the love seat until he started to pat the cushions besides him. Giving her the ok to sit closer. After several beats of silence, Buffy spoke.
“Spike, let me say first off that I’m a control freak and a big-time bitch.” As she saw his movements to speak she interrupted “Look, we both know this is true, so don’t deny it.”
“Actually luv, wasn’t going to deny any piece or part of that, I was going to agree.” Spike responded with bluntness. Buffy’s eyes widen a bit, smiled and continued.
“Good, at least we agree on that. Now, I just wanted to tell you why I’m that way. This is not an excuse by any means, just an explanation. Well, if you want to hear it?” Buffy asked with reservation. She wanted to show him that she was trying to change her faults, and one way to do that was to ask, not assume things.
“You don’t have to tell me, but I would like to know.” Spike explained as he sat back to listen to her. Buffy stood as she started to explain.
“This is really still hard for me, even after all these years, but it needs to be said. I just have to move. Okay…..I am the bi-product of the American norm. Man meets woman. They fall in love. Get married. Buy house with white picket fence in the suburbs. Bring into the world, a product of their love and devotion, me. They lived in marital bliss, well until my father decided that work and other extracurricular activities were what he desired more than his established fam. He left my mom and me outright when I was nine. Now that I look back, he was already gone long before that; all the missed dinners, birthday parties, late-night meetings. Just at age nine, he decided to make it official. One day, a child of two parents. Next, another statistic, child of divorce.”
Buffy stopped briefly and faced Spike as he absorbed her words. With a brief nod, he urged for her to continue.
“Don’t let this fool you. Mom and I were a formidable team. We were not only mother and daughter, but also best friends. We faced everything together. Secrets didn’t exist; those were my father’s shameless foibles. That all changed when I was seventeen.”
“The beginning of my Senior year of high school, she started to complain of headaches. At first she chalked them up to the flu, allergies, or even good ol’ stress. After a few months, none of those excuses seem to be plausible anymore. One night when it was especially bad, I threatened to call the ambulance to take her to the emergency room. She talked me out of it, and promised that she would call her doctor in the morning. I stayed home that day to make sure she called. She did.”
“Later on that day, we went to her doctor’s office. After some questions, blood work and the like, he sent her home. That night, we received a follow up call from him. He instructed her to come to the hospital in the morning for some more tests. He told her that he wanted her to have a CAT scan, more blood work and for her to stay overnight for a 24 hour EEG workup. I was petrified. Mom just handed me a cup of cocoa and with some reassuring words, she set my mind at ease.”
“See, she never held anything back. When money was tight, because dear ol’dad forgot to send the child support, or when she was having an especially rough patch, like when my dad remarried and announced that his secretary, now wife was expecting their first child, she confided in me. I told her when I experimented with alcohol or pot. She even knew when I lost my virginity to my high school sweetheart, Angel. She knew it all.”
“Angel? We’re not talking about that poncy bugger from Willow ’s party are we?” Buffy stopped her movements and looked at Spike. A grin broke from her somber features as she responded
“No, first off that Angel was gay remember? Secondly, my Angel, that was his nickname. His real name was Liam. His sister gave him that name because she said he had a ‘face of an angel.’ So it stuck.”
“Don’t care how handsome a bloke is, that still is a Nancy boy nickname.” Spike huffed.
“Okay……are we done with gauging nicknames…..SPIKE? Can I get back to my trip down memory lane?” Buffy asked with a mock huff.
“Sorry, by all means luv. Proceed.” Spike stated with a grand sweep of his arm.
“Okay, so she went in for tests.” Buffy walked to the window and stared out at the beautiful view of Boston that lay past the pane of glass. The city below was covered with a fresh powder of snow that had started to fall since she arrived at Spike’s. The hazy winter sun twinkled off the flakes, giving the city a look of glass. The words to continue stuck in her throat. Saying them out loud would confirm that hellish time in her life existed.
Spike approached her rigid form, she stood motionless in front of the window. He placed a hand gently on her shoulder as he silently urged her to continue. Once Buffy felt his warmth and the comfort that he was willing to give her, she found the strength to proceed.
“After all the tests, the doctors told us that she had a brain tumor. They said they could perform surgery to remove most of it. After she would need radiation and chemo to ensure that it was completely gone.” The glass fogged with the whispers that escaped her mouth. Both stayed motionless for several moments, Buffy turned to face Spike.
“The surgery was a success. Besides the horrendous scar and her missing hair, you would have never known what she had gone through. I joked with her telling her that I was going to style her Barbie dream hair. After I brought in several wigs to cover up the residuals of surgery. Despite how the doctors told me that things might be different for her after the surgery; not just with the medicine, chemo and radiation, but her personality may change as well. I never believed them. When I saw her in the hospital, a few days after surgery, she was my mom. Before the cancer, before the headaches. When I brought her home a week later, I found out how wrong I really was.”
“She had nightmares. Well that’s an understatement. She would wake in the middle of the night, covered with sweat, screaming, and crying. When I would go to her, she would calm, I would get her back to sleep, for all of it to start again an hour later. She would yell and swear at me, which she had never done before. She told me that I ruined her life and I drove my father away because I was a selfish bitch.” Buffy’s eyes started to tear with the memories Spike pulled her into his muscular embrace.
Spike held her, as her tears soaked his shirt. He offered comforted words as he ran his hand gently over her golden tresses. After the tears passed, she pulled from his arms, stood next to the window, but remained facing Spike. With a faint smile continued.
“Well, let’s just say that all was not of the right in the Summers’ household. Looking back now, I would take those weeks over what happened next.” Buffy turned and faced the window again as she spoke.
“One day I came home, in a relatively good mood. Finished my mid terms, Angel and I were still together. Despite me being MIA from the relationship for months. Well, he didn’t have a hard time I wasn’t there, because he had another girl named Eve, warming his back seat. Anyway, I came home singing some stupid top 40 song, opened the door and called to my mom. After several bellows, I walked into the living room. That’s where I found her. She was lying on the couch. In all appearances, she looked like was sleeping, well with her eyes wide open. Time just stood still. All I remember is throwing up and then somehow I dialed 911. After that, I don’t remember. My memories are blurry. Not because I can’t remember, but because that is how my world appeared after I found her.”
As she finished her sentence, Buffy felt Spike’s arm around her shoulders as he walked her away from the window. As he allowed her time to collect her thoughts and emotions, he headed into the kitchen. When he came back, he offered her a bottle of water. Buffy took a heady swig, as she sorted through her thoughts. Spike sat at the end of the couch and waited for her to continue.
“Senior year….while everyone was deciding what dress to wear, flowers to hold and who to ask to Prom, I was picking out caskets, a headstone and eulogies. My next biggest memory was, standing at her grave, with my four-year-old stepsister Dawn holding my hand, telling me that my mom was in heaven.”
“After the funeral everything moved so fast. Dad told me that he couldn’t support two households. So he had to sell my home. He wanted me to move to LA, but I fought tooth and nail not to leave Sunnydale until after graduation. I won. I spent the next six months, with my best friend at the time, Cordelia Chase’s family.”
“Since my childhood house and my only family were gone, I decided that I needed to leave. Not only Sunnyhell, which I so newly dubbed, but the entire state of California soon became too close to the epicenter of my pain. I originally was going to Stanford for undergrad and law school, had a full boat too. On a whim and a prayer, I applied to Harvard and the rest is history.” Buffy finished with a shrug of her shoulder. After several moments of silence, Spike commented.
“I’m terribly sorry for your loss, Buffy. I can understand.” Spike stated. Deep voice filled with sympathy. Buffy’s anger flared with this statement. All these years, people giving condolences, saying that they understand. A dam in her mind finally broke.
“Bullshit! How could you possibly understand Spike! Nobody truly understands! All their sad glances and ‘I understands’, it makes me sick!” Buffy anger burst forward as she stood. Spike’s nostrils flared with fury. He gritted his teeth as he responded.
“I don’t bloody understand! Is that right Buffy? Well I’ll have you know that I loss my mum around the same age as you and my da several years later! I buried both my parents before I was even thirty! Before they could see me get married and give them grandchildren. I have no one! Not a bloody soul! Both my parents were only children, as was I. I’m all alone in this bleedin’ world. So you tell me Buffy, who doesn’t understand!” Spike growled. With a start, he turned and headed toward the kitchen. She could hear him as he rummaged through the cabinets, probably in search for some hard liquor.
With Spike’s disclosure, Buffy’s eyes widened and filled with tears. After several moments he returned with a bottle of Jameson’s Whiskey and two small glasses. He filled each with copious amounts of amber liquor. With a slight raise of his glass, he downed it all in one shot. Buffy did the same, followed by a loud ‘blahhhh’.
As smirk erupted from his face, as he poured another drink. He held up the bottle to offer another. She held out the glass as he served her. In silence they drank again, with the same affect from Buffy. Spike flopped down on the couch, with a loud sigh. After several moments he spoke.
“Buffy, I know that you don’t trust enough to believe that others have felt or feel pain. It may not be your pain, but its pain all the same. Some people get sucked under by it, like an undertow on the beach. They’re washed away in the sea of their emotions, some never to surface again. Others grow stronger from it. They use it as the armor that they present to the world. Their pain brings them character, shapes who they are. You and I are the latter. But it wasn’t always the case for me. After my mum died, I was swept away. My ocean was booze, drugs, sex and self-destruction. I completely lost myself. Do you remember months back when I told you there was only one other woman who I was with more than once?” With a slight nod of her head, he continued. Spike stared into the amber fluid as he spoke.
“Yeah, well I met her, Dru, during my dark days. She was as lost as I was. A right pair we were. She was certifiable, not only in jest. She was schizoaffective, heard voices, saw things that weren’t there. It all went away for her when she shot heroin. I loved her, so I followed suit. See this scar?” Spike asked as he pointed to the one that crisscrossed his eyebrow. Buffy softly responded “Yeah.”
“I got this little memento during those days. Dru and I needed our fix. We only had a few pounds, only enough for one of us to score. Well, I decided that I was goin’ to get our junk and keep my dosh at the same time. So when Dru was distractin’ him while was rubbin’ herself against the dealer, I attacked him. Hit him with a thin metal rod that I had tucked in the sleeve of my trench. Thought I was right smart. Wasn’t smart enough. Didn’t figure that he had back up. Well, his mate didn’t take kindly to me beatin’ his boss’ arse, so he threw me to the ground. The buy was at an ol’ rail yard. The burly bastard tossed me on the tracks. Since I was shite faced, I didn’t protect my face on the way down. Next thing I remembered, I was in the emergency room. My head pounding something fierce and half of my melon wrapped like some kind of mummy. Dru told me with shrieking laughter, that I had hit my eyebrow on an old rusty railroad spike, which she presented to me for a gift the following Christmas. After that, she called me Spike. Now I have a nickname and a battle scar to remind me everyday of my own personal hell.” Spike continued to gaze into the glass as he continued.
“With my love affair with death, I lost two years of my life. Till one day, an old mate of mine, one that I actually saw when I was back in London for the holidays. He told me that my da was dying from cancer. At that moment, I decided that I wasn’t ready for death, for him or me. So I left it all behind, my life that I knew, even Dru. A year later, she was found dead, in an abandon building, needle in her arm. Her passing was something awful. Blamed myself. My da told me that I couldn’t have helped her. Lead horse to water and all that rot. Deep inside, I knew I couldn’t have saved her, she was too far gone. But it didn’t make it hurt any less.” Spike opened his mouth, and let the firewater burn his throat as it traveled down. He filled his glass again, and then finally looked at Buffy as he finished his story.
“I went back to school, eventually became a barrister. Da passed before I finished. He never did see all that I worked for. But I know he knows. From what ever place he is, he and me mum both know.” Tears fell from his cerulean eyes as he placed the glass on the table. He swiped them away with the back of his hands then spoke again.
“So see, I do understand. More than you know. We may two peas in a pod, but I’ve worked through my trust issues, both with others and more importantly with myself. You’ve just begun your long journey.” Spike stated as he looked at Buffy.
“Without trust, you’ll never be able to truly love. I didn’t realize that until I left. I never understood or accepted that I deserve more than what you were able to give me. Our relationship was lopsided. You controlled our relationship, from beginning to end.” Spike explained.
“What are you talking about?” Buffy asked with a perturbed tone.
“Buffy, we’ve been so honest to this point, let’s not go back to covering the truth, shall we? You know exactly what I mean. You were the one that determined when we first went out. Then you set the pace on the intensity of our sex lives. How fast, when the first time happened, even when I first was able to taste you. You even determined, without me, when we were able to be together with no barriers, well physical ones anyway. There were always emotional ones. You were in complete control. When you decided that you were no longer at the helm, you jumped ship. Made me believe that it was my choices and down falls that broke us apart. When in actuality it was you. Your fears. Your distrust of yourself, of me and of us.” Spike explained with a level tone.
“So your saying that our relationship failing was all my fault?” Buffy asked as she stood and started to cut a swath on the living room rug.
“Yeah, I am.” Spike stated with a shoulder shrug.
“So,what? If I told you from the beginning my feelings about you being a defense attorney from Wolfram and Hart, you would have what? Quit?” Buffy asked with a clipped tone.
“See, you never gave me any options. Buffy, you were always, the bloody judge and jury. You could have at least told me how you felt. You’re right, I wouldn’t have quit, but at least I would of known the score. Like you said at the beginning of this conversation, you’re a control freak. You believe that if you have your pieces on both sides of the chest board that you can control the game. Well, you forgot one thing, that stratagey leaves you all alone. Life is about risks. It’s about conceding that there are others that do know how you feel and what is best for you. I’m not saying to follow someone mindlessly. That’s just the other side of the wrong coin. What I’m saying is that there are those that love you, and come hell or high water want what’s best for you. You just have to trust them enough to do so. Also, trust yourself enough to let them.” Spike responded as he stood. He walked over to her stiff form. He placed his hands on her upper arms and spoke as he stared into her emerald gaze.
“Buffy, words can’t describe how I feel that you trusted me enough to tell me about your mum. She sounded like a hell of a woman.”
“Joyce.”
“Excuse me?”
“Her name was Joyce.”
“Beautiful name, for a exquisite woman, if the woman before me is a testament to her legacy. Buffy we all deserve to be loved. A type of love that consumes you and burns away who you thought you were, but in its place, a new person rises. You become a part of something bigger. It’s no longer about you, your wants or your desires. You then become a we. This doesn’t mean that you lose who you were, you just become better. For once in your life, someone other than yourself feels your pain. They laugh with you. Share your hopes and dreams. Silence the fear and self-doubt. They become the one person that you long to see when the dawn arrives and at the days end. They become your everything. Now, I speak from the small taste I had with you. I loved you like that Buffy. Unfortunately, we weren’t in it together. But I do know this, I deserve that type of love and so do you.” Spike place a small kiss on Buffy’s forehead as he turned to walk towards the window.
“Spike, how did you know where Anya’s wedding was?” Spike turned away from the window and spoke.
“Willow told me.”
“Willow? She never told me that she talked to you.” Buffy stated with her voice becoming slightly angered.
“Well, I only spoke to her once. She gave me a ring about two weeks before the wedding.”
“How did she get her number?” her voice raising
“From Clem.”
“What? Clem told me that he didn’t know where you were! Was everybody in on keeping Buffy in the dark?” Buffy barked as she defensively crossed her arms around her body.
“Buffy, that’s not true. Clem didn’t know where I was. He only knew how to get a hold of me.” Spike clarified.
“Spike, that’s just a play on words!”
“No, it’s not. I asked him not to tell you how to get a hold of me. As for Willow, he knew both our numbers. He knew mine since I gave it to him. Knew hers, since she had been seeing him for a concerning mole she wanted looked at. Willow was worried about you. So was I. Buffy I didn’t leave to hurt you. It was necessary for me to work on myself. Clear my head. I wasn’t any good for anyone, especially myself the way I was. I did it for me.” Spike explained.
“I still think that it wasn’t right that she didn’t tell me.” Buffy huffed.
“Well, Lesson the first. Trust that Willow was doing what was in your best interest. Honestly Buffy, if you knew my number, would you of respected that I didn’t want to be contacted?” Spike asked he approached her.
“Probably not.” With a scarred eyebrow raise she amended “No, I wouldn’t of have. I probably would of called you right when I received it.”
“And….” Spike prodded
“It would have been a mess. I know that. I would have tried to have an intelligent conversation, but it would of quickly spiraled out of control. It would have ended in complete badness. As the old adage says ‘The road to hell is paved with good intentions.’ After that conversation, you may have never returned to the US in fear of the crazy American chit!” Buffy joked. A deep chuckled sounded from Spike as he stood in front of Buffy.
“So what happens now?” Buffy asked
“I don’t rightly know. Like the saying goes ‘Yesterday was history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that’s why it is called the present.’” Spike said with a smile.
“You know how I love new adages. Where did you hear it from?” Buffy asked with intensity.
“I heard it from Master Oogway, the giant tortoise, from Kung Fu Panda. Very perspicacious bloke.” Spike smiled.
“What?” Buffy chuckled
“Well, that was the movie that played from Heathrow to Logan Airport. Bloody brilliant flick, that Jack Black is a bleedin’ riot!”
“So are we alright?” Buffy asked as she looked down at her feet. Spike put his finger under her chin and tilted it upwards. As emerald depths met dazzling cerulean, he spoke.
“Yeah, we’re good.” As he released her chin he continued to speak. “Buffy, I don’t want to lose you from my life. Maybe when you’re ready to trust me as your friend, you’ll give me a call sometime.” Spike finished as he stepped back and looked towards the clock, it was 4 p.m.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I have to be somewhere by 7 p.m. I hate to cut our conversation short, but this was planned before I saw you last week.” Spike explained.
“No….no….don’t apologize. I’ve been here for over four hours. Let me head out. So do you want to give me your number, so I can call you sometime?” Buffy asked as she collected her coat and purse.
“You remember my number, don’t tell me you don’t. Lesson the second, trust yourself that you remember my number and trust that when you call that number, that my deep sexy voice will be the one that answers.” Spike stated with an eyebrow wiggle. Buffy nodded as Spike, the gentleman always, helped Buffy on with her coat. Buffy held her hand out and stated
“Friends.” Spike looked at her hand, as it was a poisonous snake, and then pulled her into his arms.
“Buffy, friends do hug.” As the pair, held each other, the passion flared between them. It took all their willpower to pull away from each other’s embrace. Spike placed a chaste kiss to her forehead and bid her goodbye.
After several beats, Spike walked towards the phone, removed it from the receiver and started to dial. Several rings, a sweet voice filled the line.
“Hello?”
“Hey Glinda. Are we still on for 7?……Yeah, I’ll be bringing Clem……Oh Red wants to talk, yeah put her on……Hey Red….Yeah, it went fairly well……no….I didn’t make her cry……well not that much……I’ll have you know it was an life altering conversation we had……no, I’m not being dramatic…..yeah, yeah mum……Oi, I’ll have you know that me mum was the light of my life and me calling you that is a complement……Ok, I forgive you…….You’ll probably hear from Buffy soon……Yeah, I did have to tell her about our conversation……Don’t worry I tied it in with learning to trust……I hope that it works too……Yeah, I miss her like hell…..I hope your right…..Alright, I’ll see you in a few, Bye.” With that Spike hung up, went into the bathroom to take a long overdue cold shower.
(1) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pv0hlbWpa1w&feature=related This is Fairytale of New York by The Pogues. Yes this is the song that they sang at the bar at the beginning o
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I hope everyone enjoys! Big Hugs and Kisses to by beta Sanityfair!
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