She actually had the nerve, to come down here to see him after everything she had done in the past two days? Was she crazy? After using him to help her forget the horrible night she had last night, and then kissing Angel, she actually wanted to try to talk to him, make excuses for himself? He wasn’t falling for it. Nope. Not this time. “So, where’s tall, dark, and forehead?” Spike asked, as Buffy came down the stairs. See? Not falling for it.
“Lemme guess, you can smell him?” Buffy asked. Such sarcasm. Yeah, this was going to go well. He could already see it coming. Well, he was itching for a fight, and if she was going to push his buttons, he had no problem starting one.
“Yeah, that and I also used my enhanced vampire eyeballs to watch you kissing him,” he muttered, rolling his eyes at her. Was she that stupid? He couldn’t only smell them together, he had the image burned into his brain. It’s not like they were exclusive or anything, but after what happened last night, he thought at least something would change. Not… he didn’t think everything would be the same. Miss… I’m Not The Same Person I Was Last Year. Bullshit.
Buffy looked down with guilt. “Spike.” Good. She should feel bad. But there was nothing she could say that would change what he did. She couldn’t deny it. He saw them. But, he wasn’t the same person either. There was no way he was going to be her lap dog this time. He couldn’t take it anymore. It was just too much. She was on crack if she thought he was just going to open his arms and take her back like she didn’t rip his heart out and stomp on it, like she always did.
Spike went over and sat on his bed. “Let’s not talk about it Slayer,” he said. He wanted to be left alone. He needed to think. Every bone in his body was telling to run. Run away and never return. However, his heart wouldn’t allow him to move. He couldn’t live in the middle of an apocalypse. But when it was over, she was in for a very rude awakening.
“Spike, I know you’re mad at me…” she started.
“Why would I be mad at you? It’s not like you’ve never done it before. I was stupid enough to think that things have changed,” he rasped. Great. Stupid soul was going to make him cry again. He was so sick of crying, so was everyone else in the house. She didn’t deserve his tears, not anymore. His arms folded over his chest, guarding his emotions, which he could feel were going to come pouring out any second now.
“They have changed,” Buffy said, going toward him. “You know they have. We didn’t spend this whole year trying to work things out just to throw them away.”
He raised an eye brow at her in disbelief. “Are you kidding me, you daft bint?!” He flared. “You’re the one that’s throwing it away. You’re always the one that fucks it up Buffy. You aren’t going to blame this on me, and you aren’t going to make excuses. We spent the night together. You left and went to your ex. Its’ exactly the same and you know it. So don’t try to tell me that things are different, because their not and I’m not interested in anymore of your lies.”
“Spike, it wasn’t like that with him,” she said, wide eyes taking him in. “It was…” She shook her head once as she looked at the floor. “It was nothing.”
Spike scoffed. “Whatever, Buffy,” he said, with a glare. “It’s never nothing. You’ll be in love ‘til it kills you both. I just forgot my own advice. Thought I could one day be the number one in your heart. But I’ve finally accepted that I wont be. So if you could just leave me in peace, I’d appreciate it.”
“I don’t love him anymore,” she said. “I just… I hate all these mixed signals. Last night, I was gunna give up and you convinced me not to. It’s just like… one day we’re… doing great, then the next… you pull back and keep me at arms length.” She stared at something interesting on the washer before continuing. “Maybe it’s my fault, that I pushed you to the point that you don’t trust me after everything that I did to you last year, but I’m really trying Spike. I just… I messed up.”
“That was more then a mess up Buffy. You remember how upset you were when you saw me with Anya? And that was your fault. You left me. She had just had hers ripped out too. That’s all it was. Two people with shattered hearts, trying to find a little comfort. The rules have to be the same on both sides.” He eyed her closely. “What are you so scared of?”
For a moment, she didn’t reply and Spike was beginning to think that she wasn’t going to. “That I’m gunna fall in love with you and then I’m gunna lose you,” she whispered. She said it so softly, he almost missed it. Then he thought he misunderstood what she said. She couldn’t possibly be afraid of that.
Spike stood up, with a sudden softness in his eyes. “Buffy, you’re not gunna lose me,” he said, making his way toward her. This he could deal with. She hadn’t chased him away yet, so she should know that he was never going anywhere. Love’s Bitch. Unless he found someone better, Buffy was stuck with him, and there was no one better. She was the best woman in the world, with a few kinks that needed to be worked out, but that he could deal with, if she allowed him to.
“You can’t promise me that,” Buffy said, tears in her eyes. Well geez, she might as well have asked to pull the moon out of the sky. But she was right. He couldn’t promise that he’d never leave her, but she couldn’t live her whole life in fear of falling in love with someone because she didn’t want them to leave her. She’d always be alone, and someone like Buffy, deserved to be loved, taken care of, treated as if she was the most precious thing in the world.
“No, I can’t. The only thing I can promise is that I’m never going to stop loving you,” he said. That he could promise her. Maybe that would be good enough, but even if it wasn’t, that was all he had.
Buffy sniffled and wiped her face quickly. She hated showing emotion. He knew that. But he needed something to go on. “Spike, I don’t wanna end up living with out you again. Things are getting better. When this battle is over, I want things to be okay with us,” she whispered. That was almost the best news he could hear, but he couldn’t just forget what she did.
“I thought things were okay,” Spike mumbled, going back over to the cot. Now back to the original issue at hand. She kissed Angel and that wasn’t okay. He couldn’t just forget that. How could he? If he didn’t sort it out now with her, she could do it again.
She went over and knelt in front of him. “Spike I’m not gunna ask you to forgive me, because I don’t deserve it, but how long are you going to be mad at me?” She asked. He wanted to be mad at her forever, but they both knew that wasn’t going to happen.
“I don’t know,” he answered, honestly. And he really didn’t. He didn’t know how he was going to forgive her.
Buffy smiled a little and stood up. “That’s okay. I can wait. You know where to find me,” she said, walking towards the stairs, her shoulders lumped slightly with rejection. He knew that well.
“Buffy?” Spike asked, as she put her foot on the first stair. Spike stood up and walked over to her. “You know, I’m still mad at you, but you can stay here.” He really hoped he knew what he was getting himself into. He remembered how good it felt to hold her last night, with no issues to worry about. Even as mad as he was at her, maybe it would be okay to let her spend the night with him. Angel wasn’t around anymore, and the house was full. So it would be okay.
She looked up into his eyes. “You don’t mind?” She asked, shyly. “Because if you’re not comfortable I can find somewhere else to sleep. I’m, not expecting anything from you Spike. I promise you.”
He thought for a moment but then nodded his head. “It’s fine,” he said. “I know the house is crowded and this doesn’t mean you have a free pass. I just…” he really didn’t have an explanation for her other then he wanted her to stay with him. But he wasn’t into begging. He was still on guard around her.
Buffy headed over to the drier to find something to change in and when she found something that suited her, she put them on the drier. “Can you turn around for a minute?” She asked. He did as she asked, and he thought that was silly. Nothing he hadn’t seen, but if they were starting new, working things out, they both had to respect each other’s wishes. And he was willing to do that with her. “Okay, I’m done,” she said, going, over to stand behind him. “And I know you’re still mad at me, but I want to make it up to you.”
“How do you plan on doing that?” He asked, looking down at her. He wasn’t expecting her to lean up and kiss him gently, but he wasn’t going to pass it up and he slid his arms around to her pull her flush against him. When she needed oxygen, he pulled back to lean his forehead against hers. She was doing a good job of making it up to him. It had been a long time since he had tasted her lips. Way too long. “That was…”
“I know,” she said, nodding her head. She grasped his hand and led him over to his narrow cot. She licked her swollen lips and he smiled proudly. Good to know he could do that. Angel never kissed her like that, he was sure of it.
Spike laid down first so she could fit next to him comfortably. Her body fit his perfectly, as his arm slid around her waist. He kissed her neck tenderly, hugging her close to him. “I love you,” he whispered. He hadn’t said it right out to her since he’d gotten his soul, but he was willing to take a risk.
He heard her heart skip a beat as she turned her head slightly to press a kiss against his lips. “I know you do,” she said, pressing her nose against his cheek. She chewed her lip, like she was going to say more, and he knew what she was thinking.
“It’s okay, Buffy,” he said, his fingers stroking her stomach. “It’s enough that you let me say it. I know you’ll get there one day.”
