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Author's Chapter Notes:
Firstly, I apologise for being away so long. I've actually had so much free-time, but I decided to spend some time working on my other fandom (Sherlock BBC). By the time I came back to Buffy, I had complete writer's block, and no matter how many times I opened Microsoft Word, the words wouldn't come to me. I've also been having a really tough time lately, a lot of horrible emotional bullshit that I've been trying to work out, and, well, when you hate yourself, it's not the best time to be writing emotional stories. I didn't want the story to suffer over my real life. I hope you guys understand.

Secondly, apologies for that awful cliffhanger I left you with. Honestly, the end of this chapter's not much better. But patience, my dearies, we'll see an end soon. I can't believe we're already on Chapter 9. I often abandon projects, but you are all so, so amazingly lovely and supportive that how could I not continue? Thank you for your overwhelming feedback and support. I really and truly appreciate it. You have no idea what it means to me. You guys are awesome. :)

Now, here's a long chapter for you all. I've been in bed with dancing pains the last couple of days due to my AMAZING Debs Ball this week (the Irish equivalent of Prom), and I've been typing manically. I hope you enjoy it.

Thanks.
Previously:

The ex-demon sighed. “A Glarghk Guhl Kashma’nik. Known for their hallucinogenic venom. If they sting you, you have your ideas of reality fragmented, distorted. It drives you insane until you finally snap and choose one reality. Usually, the victim chooses the false world, and uses desperate measures to rid themselves of reality. I’ve seen cases when victims would burn their homes to the ground, or even murder their family and friends to detach themselves. It’s pretty strong.”

“So, Spike’s hallucinating?” Buffy asked, looking down at the sleeping vampire in horror, wondering what images could be tormenting him to insanity.

“No. It only affects humans in that way, and they will be awake and lucid for some of the time. The rest, they can be awake and active, but their mind elsewhere. It’s complex.”

“Then, what’s wrong with Spike?”

“Well, that’s the thing,” Anya bit her lip, uncharacteristically tactful. “It’s different with vampires…”

“How different?” Buffy demanded.

Anya swallowed.

“It’s fatal.”


Buffy blinked, trying to focus, but her mind was spinning too quickly for her to get a grasp on sense. Instead, her legs weakened, and she dropped to the edge of the sofa, staring at Anya in confusion.

“What?”

Anya wrung her fingers anxiously. “It’s different, you see, to humans. They aren’t like us. Certain toxins and poisons from demons that would have a specific effect on us, if they infect a vampire or demon, they’re usually lethal. I’m sorry.”

Buffy shook her head. “That can’t be right. He can’t be dying. He’s not dust!”

“Well, maybe it didn’t work on him?” Willow offered feebly.

“It’s a slow-working death. Usually, for vamps, they end up in a coma, and the venom will move about their body, infecting cells like a virus, and then eventually, they burn up the borrowed blood store. It sends an inferno through their body, setting them aflame from the inside. Then they’re dust,” Anya told her bluntly, but with an apologetic expression.

It was a horrific thought, the idea of it eating Spike up from inside out, scorching him until he exploded into ashes. It seemed so… painful, so wrong. Spike was a warrior, like her. He deserved a brave death in battle, while fighting with all he had. Not days later, unconscious on her sofa.

It was wrong.

“We’ll fix him,” she told them determinedly. “Anya, how do you cure it?”

The blonde shrugged. “I’ve never seen it actually cured. I just see the insane humans and dead demons. I’ve never had to know the cure.” She paused. “I’m sorry, Buffy.”

But the Slayer was shaking her head. “We’ll fix him,” she repeated firmly. “Anya, write down that name on the drawing, and Willow start looking him up. I’ll get that vampire book and look up poisons.”

Both complied, and as Buffy and Willow began leafing through their books, they noticed Anya standing there expectantly, having finished her task.

“What?” Buffy asked.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” She offered.

Surprised, Buffy nodded. “You can help Willow.”

Nodding, Anya knelt on the floor, and grabbed a book.

Sometime later, Dawn stomped down the stairs, and was heading to the kitchen when she noticed the trio assembled around the pile of books.

“Anya? What are you doing here? What’s going on?”

Willow swallowed. “Dawnie, you should sit down. We need to tell you something.”

With fearful apprehension, Dawn sat on the edge of Willow’s chair. “What is it?”

Buffy cleared her throat. “It’s Spike.”

Dawn looked up in worry, her previous resentment forgotten. “Did you find out what’s wrong with him?”

“It’s poison. From the demon.”

“Well, you can cure it, right? Find an antidote?”

“We’re looking,” Buffy assured her.

“And if you can’t?”

“He’ll die,” Anya said quietly.

“We’ll find it,” Buffy growled. “We have to.”

The others watched her in silence as she tried to focus her concentration on the book for a moment, but failing, slammed it shut in frustration. Anya didn’t even reprimand her on the potential damage of the tome.

She turned in her seat at the edge of the sofa, and grasped Spike’s hand in hers, squeezing it gently. “We’ll find it, I promise,” she murmured in a hushed tone to the vampire, shutting her eyes.

Her friends said nothing, but continued their work quietly. Dawn herself took a book, and began to search for the name scrawled on the demon’s sketch.

Buffy leaned forward, and brushed her fingers across his injured face gingerly. “I promise.”

She couldn’t tear her eyes from him suddenly. The idea that he might not get better, that she would lose him, that he would die, it terrified her. All of a sudden, she realized his importance in her life, realized that his loss would be too much for her. Not now, not when everything felt good, and was beginning to improve.

God, not now.

The thought of him being absent in her life hurt. Every other had left her: Her father, Angel, Riley, and Giles. Parker hadn’t even deemed her worthy enough of more than a night.

But Spike, Spike made her feel as though she could have so much more, and that she deserved it. He looked at her as though she had set the world spinning, and created the moon and stars herself. He would give his life for her over and over again, just so that she wouldn’t have to hurt, and he’d protect the ones she loved in order to protect her. He would give everything he was and had to her.

He loved her.

She knew it. Of course she knew it. She’d known it when he was willing to give his life to Glory to protect her and Dawn. When he spoke those final words the night she died, as he accepted she would never love him back. When she walked back down those stairs after one-hundred-and-forty-eight days, and saw the look on his face. She knew it in every touch, and kiss, and look, and in moment they were together.

And it scared her.

She was the Slayer. The one in every generation. The one would have the strength to stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness.

Alone.

She was always supposed to be alone, and every time she had tried to be with somebody, it ended badly. And now, she had found somebody who was her equal in every way – he matched her strength, her skill, her power. She never had to hold back with him. She could rely on him to give her support, strength. For a while after she was brought back, he was the only one she could speak to honestly. He understood her, and she could show him how miserable she was, which she couldn’t with her friends. Ah yes, her friends. Even if she chose Spike, who perfectly matched her, her friends would have something to say about it. And they would fight to make sure she wouldn’t be with him. They would judge her, and bully her, until she gave in. Until she gave up.

It was so frustrating, so suffocating. Being with Spike honestly did make things simpler, and she felt happier with him. When she wasn’t trying so hard to block him out, he made her laugh, he was sweet, he made her stronger. To think that he might not be there anymore, that she would lose him…

She stood up suddenly, rushing out of the room

“You okay, Buffy?” Willow asked, following after her friend quickly.

Buffy went through the back door, sitting on the steps. “It’s fine, Will.”

Hesitantly, the witch sat down beside the Slayer. “But it’s not. Is it, Buffy? You can tell me.”

The blonde shook her head wearily. “I can’t lose him. I just can’t. Not now.”

Swallowing, Willow turned to her friend. “Buffy, is there something going on between you and Spike?”

Buffy’s head snapped up. “Why do you think that?”

“You’re crying.”

The Slayer frowned in confusion, and swiped at her face, realizing that there was tears slipping down her cheeks. “I didn’t even know.”

“So, is there?”

She sighed. “Um, yes. I’m, uh… I’m sleeping with Spike.”

Willow blinked. “Oh. Oh, well, um… Oh.”

Buffy sighed. “Yeah, big oh.”

“How long?”

“Um, about a week after you and Tara broke up, I think.”

“Wow, you kept it a secret that long?”

With a shrug, Buffy looked down. “I didn’t want to face you guys. If you all knew, you’d be so disappointed in me. I mean, you guys hate Spike, and after everything with Angel…”

“Buffy! You shouldn’t be hiding things like that just because you think we’re gonna be disappointed! God, we’re your friends and we love you. You should be afraid of what we think. Does Spike make you happy?”

Buffy swallowed. “He makes me feel like it’s okay to be me, like he doesn’t expect me to have to be anything more. I can forget with him, forget how unhappy I am, or how hard things are. He makes everything easier.”

“Do you care about him?”

“I do. I didn’t want to, but I really do. We need to fix him, Will. I don’t think I could take it if I lose him now.”

Willow shook her head vehemently. “You won’t! We’ll make him better, Buffy. We’ll find out everything about this demon.”

Buffy nodded, running her hand through her hair. “Thanks, Will. For not, you know, freaking out. Also, um, don’t mention this to the others, I don’t really want them knowing this yet. Only Tara knows.”

Her friend frowned. “You told Tara?”

“It just came out. I was upset because I thought that I was… That I was wrong, and I asked Tara because I didn’t want you guys to know about this. I’m sorry.”

Willow stood up. “I understand, Buffy. It’s okay. Now, we’ve got a vampire to fix.”

With a grateful smile, Buffy got up and followed her friend inside. In the living room, they were surprised to see Tara sitting on the coffee table, checking Spike’s bandages.

“Hey,” Buffy smiled, sitting beside her.

“Hi Buffy. Sorry I haven’t been around, I’ve been looking up some spells to help Spike.”

“Any luck?”

“Sort of. I was thinking of trying something similar spell to what Willow used for you when Glory took Dawn.” Tara flashed a sweet smile at her ex. “Basically, I could enter his mind, and see if anything’s keeping him from waking.”

“You’ll be inside his mind?” Buffy asked, grimacing.

“Oh, not like running around wherever I want. It’s up to his subconscious where I go. I can only see where Spike leads me to.”

“Do you think it’ll help wake him up? What about the poison?”

“Poison?” Tara asked in confusion.

“Oh, we found the demon!” Willow said, grabbing the page with its name.

Anya gave a cough.

“Er, Anya found it,” Willow amended. “She recognized the demon.”

“And it’s a poisonous demon? It poisoned him with the spine?”

At Willow’s nod, Tara frowned. “What will happen if we can’t get the antidote?”

“He’ll die.” Buffy’s voice was hollow, empty. Tara looked at her in concern.

“Well that means we’ve got to hurry and find the antidote. Anything so far?”

Dawn sighed. “No, so far we got nothing in the books. Except similar demons, and it was mentioned when they spoke about some species. Um, po-something…”

“Polgara,” Anya offered, absentmindedly, staring at the book in front her with disinterest. “They’re from the Polgara breed, which is a species of demons that can produce spikes and skewers from their arms and hands as a weapon. Some are poisonous, others are just used for stabbing.”

“So you haven’t found anything about the antidote in the books?”

“Nope, just mentions of its breeding patterns, physical appearance, and the fact that it’s venomous.”

Tara nodded. “Willow, have you looked on-line yet?”

The redhead shook her head. “No, I haven’t. I can do that now, while you’re doing your spell. Dawn, Anya? Can you two keep going through the books? Keep looking for anything we can use.” She headed out to the dining room and sat down at the table, booting up her laptop.

Tara looked at Buffy who had fallen silent, her small hand reverently stroking Spike’s hair. “We’ll fix him, okay?”

“I hope so.”

Slipping her arm around the Slayer’s shoulder, Tara gave her a gentle hug. “I promise I will do everything I can to make him better.”

Buffy nodded. “Thank you. So, are you ready to start this spell?”

Tara pulled away and opened up her bag, and set out a large purple candle, and a zip-lock bag of verious herbs. She knelt to the ground, beside the coffee table and lit the candle.

“Buffy, you need to make sure you aren’t touching Spike or me for this.”

Buffy stood up and moved away, but she looked alarmed. “Why? Is it dangerous?”

“No, but I need to be holding his hand to access him through the spell. I don’t want you to get in contact, and allow your essence to mix with his. Your minds would become jumbled and disjointed. It wouldn’t help the spell at all.”

Nodding, Buffy stood back, and watched as Tara opened up the bag of herbs and pulled out a thin sprig of a greenish plant, tinged with purple. Dipping the tip of it into the flame, she closed her eyes, grasping Spike’s hand.

“Goddess of knowledge, I ask thee, grant me access to his mind. Allow me passage in to the depths of his subconscious as I intend to heal him. Grant me access, I ask thee.”

Buffy watched as the candle flickered and a wisp of purple smoke streamed through the air, from the plant, and drifted up Spike’s nose.

With her eyes screwed shut, Tara frowned in concentration. Dawn, Anya, and Buffy were still now, their gazes focused on the witch, waiting for her spell to take effect.

A beat of silence passed, and Tara’s shoulders slumped, and her eyes opened.

The Slayer looked at her expectantly. “What did you see?”

“Nothing. It didn’t… It didn’t w-work.” She let go of Spike’s hand.

Shaking her head, Buffy moved closer. “What do you mean?”

The witch bit her lip. “I couldn’t see anything. Nothing happened. The connection w-went out to him, but it d-didn’t respond. I’m s-sorry…”

Buffy wrapped her arms around her friend. “Hey, it’s not your fault. Maybe the spell didn’t work ‘cause we were all here? Maybe we corrupted it?”

“I don’t think so…”

Willow appeared in the doorway. “What happened?”

“It didn’t work. Tara said that Spike’s mind didn’t respond to the spell.”

Willow looked at her former girlfriend. “Are you sure?”

“It didn’t reach him. It was like before…”

With growing unease, Buffy looked at the two witches, who both looked shaken by this. “Like before? Before what?”

Swallowing, Willow looked up at the Slayer. “Before we brought you back, we did some spells, you know, to see if we could reach you, find you…” Willow paused, and looked down. Buffy didn’t like where this was going. “We tried this spell, hoping we could tap into your essence wherever you were, find out how you were, and let you know we were trying to get you back. But we couldn’t get to you, the spell was fine, but there was no response. We kept hitting this wall, this blank…”

“What… What does it mean?” Buffy asked, instinctively moving closer to Spike.

Tara took a deep breath. “Buffy, the reason we kept hitting that wall was because you were… Well, um, it means that…”

“Buffy,” Willow said, “it happened because you were dead. I – I think that Spike…”

“Spike’s dead…” Buffy finished.

“I think so,” Tara told her honestly, tearfully.


Chapter End Notes:
Well, that's that! I hope you liked it. Feedback is always lovely. :) I will try and update soooooooon!



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