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The soft glow of the dozen or so candles illuminated the beautiful bedroom in a romantic fashion. The small petals of two bouquets of blood red roses littered the carpet and the four-poster bed with satin sheets. Music played in the background, mixing with the heavy breathing and passion-filled moans. Two people, a man and a woman moved in the rhythm of ages as they clutched on to the other’s naked body tightly, careful not to leave any marks for someone to notice.

Buffy Summers lay beneath her lover, blonde hair wildly about her head in a beautiful halo. Her bright hazel eyes stared up at him as he moved above her, inside her. Her tanned skin glistened with sweat from their exertion and her pink lips were swollen from passionate kisses. Her slender arms were wrapped firmly around his broad shoulders and rose up and down with his every thrust, filling her completely. The silky satin sheets draped across his lower back, covering both of their bodies from the cool summer breeze filtering in through the slightly open window.

Her legs wrapped around his waist, feet locking them in place. The new position gave him a better angle and he penetrated her deeper, hitting the special spot inside her reserved only for him. Her eyes slammed shut as she hollered out his name, uncaring that her neighbors might be able to hear them through the thin drywall. His thrusts quickened as they both neared their climax. He buried his blonde head in the hollow of her throat, mumbling intelligible adorations as her kissed, licked, and sucked her soft skin. She mewled in pleasure.

Their interlaced fingers tighten as they both came, together, as always. Buffy screamed, as her orgasm washed over her, burning her from the inside out. Her body shook with passion and her toes curled into balls where they rested at the small of his back. She sucked in large gulps of much-needed air as she repeated the single thought that she was reduced to every time he touched her. “I love you. I love you. I love you.”

He smiled into her neck after he came back down from his orgasmic bliss, kissing her there lovingly. “I love you too.” He whispered into her ear with more conviction than he ever said anything in his life. “Love you so much.”

She smiled at his admission as her nuzzled her neck, planting wet open-mouth kisses in various places. This had to be heaven. She thought. He placed a few more loving kisses before pulling out of her and rolling to the side. She moaned as her slipped from her opening and watched as he removed the thoroughly used condom before tying it off and depositing it in the bedside trash. He didn’t lie back down beside her though, but instead reached for his forgotten clothes as he stood up.

“You’re leaving?” She asked, sitting up while she held the sheet to her chest. She waited afraid of his response and yet, she already knew the answer.

“I promised Dru I’d be home in time to discuss the house she found in L.A.” He responded, pulling his black jeans over his slender hips and zipping them up. His bare chest glowed like ivory in the moonlight streaming in through the opened curtains of her apartment. She loved the way the light played off his chiseled six-pack and how it contrasted from the dark color of his flat nipples. He was beautiful.

But he wasn’t hers.

“Can’t you stay for a little while longer? I wanna hold you.” She said, making sure her love for him was shinning through her eyes brighter than any fire.

“Buffy...” He said, begging her with his ocean blue eyes to not ask him to stay. He wouldn’t be able to deny her if she asked him to stay.

“I know. I know.” She said, closing her eyes briefly to force back the tears threatening to fall, clutching the sheet to her body closer in an attempt to hide her jealousy. “I just-I just...”

He smiled kindly at her as he buttoned up his now wrinkled dress shirt. He came to her and kissed her lips fervently, pouring every ounce of love her felt for her into the kiss. He knew that she needed to know that he loved her. And he did. More than anything.

“I know.” He told her.

She opened her eyes and looked him square in the face. Nervousness vibrated through her being as she asked him the next question. “What are you going to do if she gets the house?”

She had never asked him that question before, even though they both knew she thought about every moment since he had first informed her of the possibility of him and Dru moving away. He looked her in the eyes and saw the fear she held in them. The fear of losing him, the fear of him not loving her back. He hated the fact that he was the cause for it. “Then I’ll be moving to L.A.”

Her expression was unreadable. Then it was disbelieving. Then impossibly hurt beyond the telling of it. She flinched away from him like she’d been slapped in the face. She scurried off the bed and stood up so it stood between them, the sheets askew. She saw the look of bewilderment on his beautifully chiseled face. Anger rose inside her.

“That’s it then, isn’t it? You’re just going to pick up and move away? Leave me to clean up the mess?” She hissed venomously.

“What other choice do I have, Buffy?!” He pleaded with her to understand.

“You don’t have to do this. You don’t have to move away and pretend to be happy with a woman you don’t love. You could stay...with me.” She finished quietly, blinking rapidly to fore back tears. She ran her fingers through her long blonde hair in an attempt to calm her nerves. It didn’t work. The room fell into an uneasy silence.

She began to quietly reach for her clothes that lay scattered across the room. She picked up her shirt and pulled it over her head, only to realize that in his haste to remove her of all clothing, he had ripped it down the middle. Their wild, passionate lovemaking was absolutely amazing, but damn! Did he have to destroy every piece of clothing she owned? She sighed, tossing the shirt back to the floor and kicked it away from her in an angry huff.

“I’ll buy you a new one.” He said, his voice raspy from not speaking.

“I don’t want a new one!” She shouted, not looking at him. Her hardened words cut his heart. She wrapped her arms securely around her tiny frame, hugging the sheet to her as she stared down at the carpet thoughtfully. Her bright hazel eyes glazed over with a mixture of unadulterated hate and pure hurt.

His heart broke for her in every way that it already hadn’t been shattered into pieces.

“I hate her.” She whispered fiercely, looking up into his stormy blue eyes, while her own filled up with tears. Her small fists balled and her perfectly manicured nails-ones that any California blonde would be jealous of- dug into the soft flesh of her palms. She never felt the pain in her hands though, but she cowered to the immense pain in her heart.

“I know.” He nodded in understanding. Buffy had every right to hate his wife. She should hate him more though. It wasn’t Dru’s fault that he was a lying, cheating, no-good- husband. Dru should hate him too. She had the most reasons to, anyway. ’Cause at this point, she was looking more and more like the other woman to Buffy, and not the other way around.

“Sometimes I envy her so much it kills me.” She wept, frantically whipping at the fallen tears. “I sit and I think about you, and then I think about her. And it hurts. God, it hurts so much! And there’s nothing I can do about it. ‘Cause I can’t not see you. I think I would die if I were to not see you.”

The deep frown that clouded his handsome features then was just the latest in the unhappy expressions both lovers had shared. God, he was such a prat for hurting her like this. Why couldn’t he just let her go? He looked at her then.

And he knew why.

He loved her.

He wanted to hold her. He wanted to make all her tears go away. He quickly walked around the bed and reached for her. She pushed him away from her though, and pulled back from him. Turning her back to him, she gazed out the window.

“I’m sorry.”

She turned back to look at him, a questioning expression on her beautiful face. “For what? For cheating on your wife? For not loving her enough? For loving me too much? For sleeping with me?” She asked, rattling off her insecurities on her fingers.

“For hurting you.” She didn’t answer, but instead returned her attention back to the open window behind her.

“I’m sorry too.” She amended, turning back around to look at him. “For what I said about Dru. It-it wasn’t my place.”

“Yeah, it was.” He breathed, running a hand through his platinum blonde locks. She sighed loudly.

“No. No, it wasn’t. I shouldn’t hate her. I don’t. I just...She has everything I’ve ever wanted in my entire life. How could I not feel a little envy?” She reasoned, avoiding his rain-washed, passion-filled eyes. He was quiet, so she continued.

“And now you’re gonna move away to L.A. and I’ll pro’lly never see you again. I just don’t know what the hell to do, really. I’m losing you.” She said, almost weeping. Their eyes locked and a meaningful expression was shared between them, and her face contorted in pain and she let the tears finally come.

He walked over to her then. Grabbing her bony shoulders, he forced her to look him in the eyes. He needed to know that she heard what he was about to confess to her. She needed to hear it and so did he. Their lives were getting so twisted and they couldn’t keep their stories straight anymore. What was right? What was wrong? Were did they draw the line in between the two? When did everything get so confusing?

Silence penetrated the air around them, suffocating them with its intoxicating feel. The fire that burned between them intensified and they both gasped. Buffy swallowed back the lump in her throat and waited for him to say something, anything. She watched him, her vision blurred from her shed tears. She was relieved when he finally began to speak in hoarse tones.

“You’re not gonna lose me, Buffy. I love you. Nothin’s gonna change that. You are everything to me, luv. I would die if I were not with you. I do. Everyday when I have to leave you and go on about my life like I’ve never had the honor of being in the same room as someone like you. Like I’ve never touched a real goddess before. I die.

“And I hate it! I hate that I’m married to a woman I’m not capable of loving. I hate that I’m cheating on said woman with the woman I do love. I hate that I’m not good enough for you, and that I have to take you to some cheap-ass dinky motel with leaky ceilings to show you how much I wanna be with you. I hate the way I try to justify what I’m doing by thinking that I can’t stop it-that I can’t stay away from you. I could, if I really wanted to. But I don’t, and I wont. Ever. But do you know what I hate the most? Do you? That I have to hide it! That I can’t shout it to the entire world that I’ve finally found the woman of my dreams and she loves me back! That I can’t marry her, or give her the life she deserves so much because I don’t have the balls to leave my wife. I hate that my entire life is a complete lie.”

By the time he was finished, they were both panting for air, one from the exertion of his speech and the other from the powerful emotion that dripped from every syllable that came out of his mouth.

Buffy was worn out from just listening to his speech, and collapsed into his muscular arms. She buried her perfect face in his strong chest and wept. For them. For Dru. For their love. He wrapped her up in his arms and held her close; seemingly afraid she might disappear before him. He rubbed her back and whispered soothing adorations into her ear to try to comfort his love. “Please, luv. Please don’t cry. You know I hate it when you cry.”

“I know.” She mumbled into his dress shirt, as she toyed with the buttons that held it together. “I’m sorry. I don’t want you to leave me- Not to go home to your wife, and certainly not to move to L.A with her. And maybe that makes me selfish, but you know what? I don’t give a damn!”

Pulling away from her slightly, while still keeping a hold of her shoulders, he looked into her brilliant hazel orbs, and was lost. She watched him, gazing into his stormy blue ones, equally as lost. She could tell he was about to say something important. She prayed that it wasn’t good-bye.

“If you ask me to stay, I will.” He stated, matter-of-factly, eyes never leaving hers.

Buffy saw the sincerity in his face and it made her shiver. She clutched to him for dear life; afraid she would fall over. She loved this man more than she would ever love anything in this life, and it pained her to finally realize that she would never have him. Not completely. In some unusual, but nonetheless reasonable way, Dru would always own him. Buffy believed that a person couldn’t be in love with two people at the same time, but she also believed in his love for her wholeheartedly. He loved her, truly he did, but he could never be hers.

At this thought she pulled away from his grasp. His face knotted with a look of pure confusion and he blindly reached out for her again. His hands grabbed on to her arms to stop her from fleeing.

And then she saw it.

Her eyes forced themselves to focus on his left hand. She saw the ring. She saw it like it was the first time she had ever laid eyes on it. The simple golden band wrapped around his finger glinted in the light from the moon. A recognition hit her for the first time. A tiny spark of light bounced off the band and directly into her eyes, causing her to shut them tightly.

In all the times she had seen his wedding ring, she had never really seen it. Not like she was now.

Adultery. That's what they call it-when you're married. When you commit such a pity crime of sexual indiscretion. Like they did. Like they were doing. Dru’s ring was on his finger, but Buffy’s heart was in his hands. They both knew it. She couldn’t even begin to imagine what the beautiful dark-haired woman who wore the matching gold band on her own left hand was feeling. Buffy wondered if she knew what her seemingly perfect husband did on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays in a dingy little room with a shiny brass number on the outside of the door, or in Buffy’s dorm room as they decided to commit the deed in today. His wife would probably be ashamed, humiliated by their friends and family, and embarrassed by the looks she would receive from the others that knew them. She would hate him. Both of them.

Because even though a tiny voice in the back of her head yelled and screamed and told her how wrong she was, a bigger, more pronounced little voice said that she didn't care. And she didn’t feel an ounce of guilt about it either. She loved this man, why should she want to share him with anyone or anything else? Including his wife.

But deep down she knew. What was right and wrong. He wouldn’t leave his wife, not even for her. And it hurt like hell, but she knew what she had to do.

She had to be strong.

So she kept this thought in her head as she looked him in the eyes and poured her heart out to him.

“Spike, I love you. I would give up anything I have to be with you, to be yours. To have you be mine.” She said the last sentence in a hushed voice, but she was sure that he was able to pick up on it. “You are my whole world. You’re the only thing that keeps me going each day. Just knowing that I’m gonna see you each day and hear you profess your love for me sends chills down my spine. You’re all I fucking think about...dream about. You’re in my gut, my throat. I’m drowning in you, Spike; I’m drowning in you.”

He smiled then, hearing just how much she loved him. He would never tire of hearing those words slip from her mouth like she had been saying them for years and years. He opened his mouth to say something to her when she put up her hand to show him she wasn’t quite finished yet.

“But I won’t ask you to stay.” She whispered with a newfound sense of power.

He looked at her baffled by her speech and at the last comment. Then his expression turned loving and he smiled a real, genuine smile that lit up all the shadows on his face. He nodded in understanding, and hugged her body to him tightly. “We don’t even know if Dru got the house yet.” He tried to reassure her, though nothing ever would.

She just smiled into his chest as she held him as close as possible to her, molding their bodies together. “I love you.” She whispered once again. She had to be sure that he knew undoubtedly. He had to believe her.

“I love you, too.” He said, giving her a gentle squeeze, before letting her go. He turned around, finished dressing and headed for the door. Just as he was about to reach for the doorknob, he turned back to her. “And I’ll be back.” He added.

Then he was gone.

Buffy stared after him for a few seconds, letting her mind and body fully adjust to the fact that his presence was no longer in the room with her. Her full, pink lips cracked slowly into a smile. It reached her eyes and lit them up like a jack-o-lantern on Halloween night. Her eyes filled up with the wonderful sense of hope and her body glowed with anticipation.

“I know.”


A/N: I was really gonna leave it a one-shot fic but my muse just wouldn’t shut the hell up about doing a chapter with more of a Buffy POV. Please review and tell me how I did. I might add one more chapter or two to the mix. Let me know if you want more.

Love To All,

Saltygoodness





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