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Author's Chapter Notes:
it's moving forward, who would have funk. also i wrote this story when i was depressed, so it is a bit dark but i like it.



Arriving to the Summers' residence Buffy jumped off the Harley Davidson and whirled around. “I live here. I-you...didn’t really need to escort me all the way back home. Good night, Spike” Buffy said, nodding feebly and hooking a stray strand of hair behind her ear.


Running a finger down her arm he spoke. “Uh-huh. Why don't you stay with me? You know you want to...” he said with carnal need, biting his lip seductively and leant in for a kiss.


In the house Dawn's eyes that were currently glued to the window in the living room and instead of hitting him, like Dawn had expected, Buffy merely punched him away lightly, all while grinning. Dawn shook her head and thought was this what had been doing on since Buffy had come back? With the late night patrols and the odd and sneaky behavior?


“No, I - I mean we can’t. Dawn’s asleep and I’ve gotta be there when she awakens” Buffy protested, turning to walk away again but Spike grabbed her arm and slammed the petit blonde roughly into the closest porch pillar.


“Then get up early” he said keeping her at bay, tilting his head expectingly while taking unneeded heaving breaths.


“No, get off of me, I just said I can’t” Buffy grinned despite herself and nudged him playfully. "Just give up, okay?"


"I will when you do," he smiled, lips descending on her. Then she stopped fighting him and she let herself be kissed.


After giving the door a quick glance, Buffy turned back to him, standing boxed in between the porch and his embrace with her arms gripping his forearms harshly, to prove her strength even in this position. Those blue eyes were gazing deeply into hers, as if pulling her into a thrall and the full lower lip begged her for a taste. Buffy felt her heart beating twice as fast in motion when he sucked in her gasp of surprise.


Their love affair was nothing out of the ordinary and nothing she'd experienced in her past relationships. This relationship was doomed from the very start. But even knowing that fact, she couldn't keep away from him. Their affair was all-consuming, breaking down all walls she put up around her heart, killing her softly from within.


“Buffy...” he pleaded quietly, drawing near her until their foreheads met and their fingers tangled.


“We just spent the past five hours with eachother so you gotta let me go...” she whispered, nudging her lip to his, smiling a little. But he did anything but letting her leave. “I mean it” she whispered sharply, giving him a slightly pointed look.


“Can’t. Love you” Spike retorted bashfully before pulling her form closer and letting his agile nose trail around her collarbone.


Intimidated she tried to push back his reluctant form. “I...just can’t. Stop it”


But he still wasn’t bulging, so she forcefully exclaimed. “Stop it, I said get away from me!” as she tore away from his embrace, he dove in for another kiss like a parched man and she slapped him hard over the cheek which shocked them both.


“Can’t let you do this to me...This gotta stop now” Buffy mumbled for herself, closing the door before leaning against it, breathing deep.


Digging her palms into her eyes, Buffy sighed in defeat and walked into the dinning room with heavy steps, completely missing Dawn's figure standing by the couch in the living room observing everything.


Standing in the kitchen Buffy leant over the sink, trembling. Closing her eyes, she took shallow breaths, blinking back the tears as she felt appraoching as her emotions overloaded her senses.


"Why do I do this to myself? Am I that masochistic?" Buffy muttered to herself, feeling like she needed to dull her senses.


In a distant she could hear the roaring of the Harley Davidson disappearing into a distance. Now that he was gone she could exhale in relief, grabbing a glass from the cupboard she filled with water and gulped it all down.


'They had the bad kind of sex together, the kind that was controlling and abusive, just check her bruises. Since coming back from the dead she was taking it to a whole another level. The sex was really depraved, but Buffy had come to the understanding that she was really into it so that made her one depraved pig. When she spent time with Spike it was as if there was a rule that the sex was always better if they broke things. In her past she'd never had any other sex than plain safe, consensual vanilla kind'


Glancing up, Buffy observed her reflection in the kitchen window taking in her state of distress; grim face, red rimmed eyes, smudged makeup and tears leaving trails down her cheeks.


"I'm barely a shell of what I used to be. I should have stayed dead" Buffy told her reflection quietly before turning away pressing her fingers to her temples, massaging her head to ease the pressure.


'I'm dating a former psychopathic murderer, there is something very disturbing about me fighting darkness and then going to the bed the undead by dark. I see him whisper 'I love the smell of dead Slayer in the evening' and I shudder, because he is like a sleeping jaguar waiting to somebody to rouse it. It is like we are stealing time or borrowing it, and one day the dream will shatter to broken shards.'


Her breathing became erratic and she felt the world spin around her. Hugging her knees to her chest on the floor she took shallow breaths as she tried to get a grip on herself.


Blinking through her tears, Buffy spotted Dawn standing in front of her. Scrambling to her feet Buffy tried to pretend as if nothing had happened, but her voice stammered once she broke her silence. “Is-s your arm healing okay, Dawnie?” she said, grinning wanly as she ran her fingers through her crow's-nest of hair.


Dawn choose not to answer, remaining mute with a dark expression and eyes narrowed into slits “I know about you and Spike. I saw you two.” Dawn said dryly and watched Buffy's reaction as she gulped soundly before continuing. “I can’t believe you didn't tell me! You’re my sister and Spike is my friend. How could you do that to me and to him? Explain that to me, Buffy!”


“Oh, Dawn, I’m so sorry, I-I didn’t think-“ Buffy started pleadingly, tears welling up.


“Don’t even! I won’t fall for that act. I DON’T feel sorry for you, Buffy. I feel sorry for Spike because you kept him as a secret! Why does he waste his time with you anyway? You've been nothing but a complete bitch to him!” she replied, eyes blazing.


“Dawn, that is cruel” Buffy replied, fat tears rolling down her face.


“Then explain to me why the hell you do use him then? I need to understand” Dawn said boring her eyes into her sister's with a determined set of her chin Buffy know there was no way to argue with her.


“Okay, since I got back, I-I needed something. I needed him" Buffy sniveled, eyes pleadingly asking her to understand.


“You are the monster, Buffy. Next time you plan on using people, try consider their feelings as well” Dawn said, feeling tears welling up in her eyes.


“Dawn, I'm sorry I-“ Buffy reached out her hand but Dawn flinched.


“What would mom say if she knew?” she countered, turning back to her sister again “You know how much she cared for him, she’d hate you as much as I do now! I want you to tell him the truth, that you’re using him and then apologize. I want you to break up whatever you two have and let him have a chance with someone better. Someone that is better than you!”


“Dawn, back off!” Willow said, coming around the corner ”Don’t you think that she had a hard time as well?” she said separating them two by the chest. “Buffy deals with this worse than anyone”


“Will, I’m so sorry.” Buffy nearly whispered, her emerald eyes wide and scared.


“It’s okay, but don’t you ever keep anything from me again, in this house we should speak to one another” Willow said, pointing her finger accusingly in her direction.


“Like you are?” Dawn countered with a flicker of annoyance “With your great handling-of-magic ways? You don’t even know right from wrong, Willow, so don't preach about truth. And you know what? You two definitely deserve each other, I'm so sick of you both!” Dawn sputtered acidly, spun her heel stalking out the kitchen.


“Dawn!” Buffy called after her, but Dawn was already gone, Willow gripped her arm from leaving and shook her head in negative.


“I don’t want to talk to any of you right now” Dawn called, stomping the stairs angry, leaving them to gaze after her. Upstairs, Dawn appeared in her room with tears in her eyes “Tara, I-” she motioned with a shaking hand.


“Calm down, okay? Dawnie, please tell me what happened” she patted the bed and they sat down side by side and Dawn settled into her embrace.


“I hate her! I hate her! I can't believe she lied to me” Dawn responded crying her eyes out and settled herself in Tara's embrace trembling heavily while Tara smoothed her hair down and that was how Willow found them later that night.


Motioning with her eyes to come with her, Tara let the now sleeping Dawn out of her embrace into the bed, smoothed her hair one last time and followed Willow into the hall.


“What's going on? She was so upset, Willow” Tara said closing the door behind them. “What happened?” she whispered.


“Okay, swear on your life not to tell anyone but Buffy is involved with Spike”


“What!” Tara burst out, eyes widening slightly, "But I-I don't understand"


“Dawn saw them two together and it's obvious Buffy is using him. She was feeling really bad because of that”


“Oh, but why d-didn't she tell us?” Tara asked shockingly.


“She's so ashamed, Tara”


“Oh, Willow, if Buffy is feeling bad we should definitely help her” Tara said, crossing her arms.


Willow nodded “And what about Dawn, she's not handling it to well, is she? I-I mean, did she say anything to you?”


Tara closed her eyes momentarily. “No, she - No! She didn't wanna talk at all”


“I told Buffy we wouldn't be all judge-y. I just hope she'll come around" Willow said, keeping her eyes glued to the floor "Promise you wont tell anyone? Especially not Xander or Giles, they'll totally flip” she said, shaking her head.


“Somewhat I understand her...” Willow continued silently “Feeling all alone in the world, unable to fight something inside you that you can't control...” she looked up, finally meeting Tara's concerned gaze “Tara, it's been awful”


Placing a comforting hand on Willow's shoulder, Tara said firmly “But you're doing better. If you can do it, so can Buffy”


“You're right, she'll probably...come around” Willow said unconvinced, rubbing her arms in the slight chill in the hallway. A moment of silence went by and then Willow's head tilted up hopefully “Will you stay the night?”


Blinking for a moment Tara finally answered. “Yeah, I mean...yes. I promised Dawn”


“Maybe we can, I don't know, talk tomorrow?” 'Please, pretty please,' Willow begged inwardly.


“Yeah, a-absolutely” Tara nodded hastily.


“Then I'll see you tomorrow” she said and Tara smiled, letting herself back into Dawn's bedroom and Willow found herself smiling brightly in the hallway and felt a little jittery seeing Tara walk off that set of a flurry of butterflies in her tummy for the first time in a long while.




Chapter End Notes:
i'll be updating since i have already finished the whole story.



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