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Disclaimer: I own nothing…

Summary: Set about three years after the 'Angel' finale. Buffy finally finds out that Spike is alive, but can't handle the fact that he kept it from her, so she runs. Both do their best to move on, but they find that it's not as easy as it seems…

Rating: R

Author's Notes: Okay, so, I know I’ve been gone forever, but let me tell you, it paid off. Finals are finally over and I came back with a 3.6 overall my first semester at college… Definitely worth it. I'm back at school again now, but I did manage to get a pretty good start on the next chapter of 'Concrete Angel'. However, from now on, I'm gonna have limited writing time, so it may not come as quick as I'd like...
And, to Beth, actually, the fic was inspired by that exact song… Thank you for picking up on that… I can’t believe I forgot to mention it before… I love Martina McBride, and I just had to use that song. Also, I doubt anyone’s noticed, as I’m only a few chapters in and I doubt too many people are familiar with “Where You Want To Be” and “Unlovable”, but the chapter titles are all Savage Garden/Darren Hayes songs…

Distribution: If ya want it, take it, just give me credit… And, if ya could, let me know where it's going.

 
~*~*~*~

 
Chapter 3: Unlovable

 
 
The next morning, he awoke to feel of her lips traveling down his neck; nipping and kissing, and when he opened his eyes, there she was. A small smile touched his lips as she murmured a soft “Good morning”, before returning her attention to his neck, her lips slowly moving lower.

For a moment, he let her continue; his mind not yet awake enough to register that this wasn’t a dream. Not this time. This time it was real. She was here with him, and she loved him… They had just spent a wonderful night together, making love. It was something he had been dreaming of for years. Something he had wanted more than anything…

But it was wrong…

He was finally drawn from his own personal heaven when he felt her tongue dip into his navel and he suddenly realized exactly where she was going. With a gentle hand, he tugged lightly at her pretty blond hair; pulling her attention to his eyes. “Buffy, pet, we need to stop.” he murmured; his voice easily betraying him.

“Why?” she questioned, pouting slightly; all innocence, as her hand moved lower to grip him loosely. Gently, she stoked him; watching as his eyes fell shut and he let out a quiet gasp. “I know that’s not what you really want… So why should I stop?” Her lips returned to his neck, this time moving up, across his sharp cheekbone, stopping just before she reached his mouth. “Just feel, baby.”

With that, her lips met his in a soft, gentle kiss, which slowly turned passionate… Until he broke away almost violently, refusing to turn back to her. “Buffy, we have to stop this. Now. It can‘t happen again…”

Immediately, she backed off; suddenly realizing exactly how serious he was. Pain was suddenly obvious in her eyes, as she pushed herself away from him; as far away as she could get. “This isn’t happening…” she murmured; tears flooding her eyes as she reached for the sheet, covering herself almost frantically. “It can’t be… How could you do this to me?!” she demanded as the tears began to slip. “You said you loved me and now… Now you’re just gonna push me away?! Why?! What is this?! Is it revenge? For everything I did to you? Why would you do this to me?!”

“Do this to you?!” he exclaimed, pushing himself off the bed and searching for his pants; pulling them on immediately. “I just spent the night with you… A woman who’s not Sam… Do you have any idea what this would do to her?!”

“But it’s okay for you to fuck me and then toss me aside like I’m nothing?! It’s okay for you to rip out my heart just to watch me bleed?!”

Upon hearing her words and seeing her tears, his features quickly softened. “Pet, what we did last night… That was so much more than just fucking--”

“Well, right now, it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it! Is that what this was about?! Showing me exactly how it feels to be used?! Getting back at me?!”

“Buffy, stop this! That has nothing to do with it! I love you! That’s what last night was! We made love… But you said one night. One. I love you. You love me… But this can’t ever happen again. We’ve both moved on with our lives, and we can’t just turn away from that… I refuse to turn my back on Sam and the kids.”

“I never should’ve come here…” she murmured; her voice heavy with emotion, as she pulled herself from the bed. With the sheet still wrapped tightly around her, she gathered her clothes, desperate to get away from him as quickly as possibly.

“Buffy, don’t do this…” he begged as he grabbed her elbow gently. He couldn’t let her walk away like this. Couldn’t let her walk out believing that she had simply been a quick fuck.

“Don’t touch me!” She spun on him then; the sheet clutched firmly to her chest. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she stared at him, fire in her eyes. She couldn’t believe this was happening… She understood that he was with someone else, but she had thought that if he had been willing to sleep with her, that maybe she would have a chance… But it was becoming painfully obvious how important Sam was to him. And it didn’t seem that she could change that… No matter how much she loved him.

“Buffy, please… Just hear me out.”

Shaking her head slowly as the tears continued to flow from her eyes, she pulled on her clothes; keeping herself covered as well as she possibly could. She felt dirty; used… Just like he must have felt the year she’d come back… It was horrible…

“Goodbye, Spike…”

As he watched her walk out the door, he broke. How could he have done something so terrible to the woman he loved? He couldn’t understand how he could have hurt her the way he had… She had been right all those years ago. He was nothing more than a monster...

While the tears streaked from his eyes, he collapsed to the floor. He had let her go… Again. He had let her walk out, and his damn pride wouldn’t allow him to run after her… Because either way, he knew she wasn’t coming back. Not after what he had just done to her…

He had lost her… Again…

 
~*~*~*~

 
As the door shut quietly behind her, she paused, trying her best to gain control. Leaning back, she covered her face with both hands, as she slowly let herself slide to the floor; her tiny frame shuddering with quiet sobs. It hurt her so badly, knowing that this was it… That nothing could bring him back to her, because someone else had already won his heart… She, of all people, knew that when Spike gave away his heart, he was lost. The man was the most devoted person she had ever met… When he fell, he fell hard…

And this time, she wasn’t the one he wanted to be with…

Last night she should have just let it go… Let him go… But instead she had pushed. She had seduced him, and now she was left with nothing but a broken heart, and the memories they had once shared. He didn’t love her anymore… Not the way she needed him to…

And he was right… She too had moved on. She had a wonderful life now... With Faith. The woman who loved her… So why was she so eager to find her way back into Spike’s arms? There really was no reason for it. She was happy now. Happy. With Faith…

And even as she thought it, she knew it wasn’t true. At least not completely. Her happiness relied on one person, and one person alone… Spike. The man she had abandoned all those years ago… The man she had left broken hearted…

What had she expected? That she would come back, and he would simply be sitting around waiting for her? Of course not… What more could he do but move on, let go? She hadn’t given him any reason to believe that she would ever be coming back to him… So why would he hold on?

As the moments ticked on, her tears slowly died away. Not because it had stopped hurting, but because she was numb… She couldn’t feel anything, save the fear of living without him. But she could no longer cry over it… The whole thing had been her doing, and that was something she needed to accept…

So with a heavy heart, she pulled herself from the floor. It was time to go home…

To the woman who loved her…

 
~*~*~*~

 
Carefully, Spike fought his way through the hordes of teenagers, moving very deliberately to the high school office. Sam had worked here for years. Long before he had ever met her. She was an office secretary. Always busy, but she loved her job… Especially now that Krystal was in high school. It gave her a chance to keep an eye on the rebellious teen.

“Sam, I need to talk to you.” Spike told her, his voice almost desperate as he reached the desk she sat at. He needed to talk to her… He needed to tell her what had happened. Never once had he lied to her, and he certainly didn’t plan on starting now… Not with this. If he kept it from her and she found out later, it would destroy her… He had to be honest… Now…

“Will, honey, could this wait?” she questioned, her eyes slipping over to the group of four students sitting off to the side, waiting to be called into the office to have a chat with the principal. Sam didn’t particularly trust the group, and she certainly didn’t want to have a personal conversation in front of them.

“No, Sam, it really can’t.” he insisted.

For a moment, she simply stared at him, trying to read exactly what was so important. She could see how serious he was… She knew there was something wrong, but it didn’t look like something they could handle here, in the middle of a crowded office full of high school kids. “William, could we please save this for later? I’ve got work--”

“I slept with her!” Spike cut her off, his voice cracking with emotion; tears clouding his eyes. “I left, and she was there, and I slept with her!”

All eyes were on Sam as everyone in the room, which suddenly entirely too tiny, awaited her reaction. Her mouth dropped open just slightly, and her eyes filled to the brim with tears. After the two years she had spent with him, she never would have believed him capable of such an act. And announcing it in front of everyone? What was that?!

Immediately anger swept over her, and she could think of nothing more to do than to hurt him. The slap rang across the silent room as her hand connected hard with his cheek. His head snapped to the side, and he stayed that way for a moment, fighting the tears that threatened to fall. Refusing to look back at her for fear of seeing exactly what he knew he would. Hurt…
When he finally did gather the courage to look her in the eye, all he could see was a mixture of pain and anger. Even after all the time they had spent together, he had never seen such a heartbreaking combination of emotions in her eyes… Then again, he had never before given her so much reason to hurt…

“Get out.” she told him firmly; her voice steady and calm. She wanted him as far away from her as he could possibly get without falling off the edge of the earth. When he didn’t respond, instead opting to stand his ground, her eyes hardened, and a tear slipped. “Get out!” she finally shrieked. “Get out of here, get out of my house, get out of my life. Get. Out.” she finished harshly, punctuating her words very clearly as she pointed to the door behind him.

She didn’t understand how he could’ve done such a thing. How he could have told her again and again that he loved her, only to run to the bed of his ex as soon as he was away from the house. In that moment, she couldn’t stand to look at him… In that moment, she hated him. Absolutely and completely hated him. She had finally gotten over her husband’s death, and she had believed that maybe, just maybe she had found a man who would love her and her children enough to stay… And now, he went and did something so completely unforgivable as cheating on her… It was one of the worst feelings she had ever experienced…

Finally, he turned away; walking out the door slowly, his head hung in shame, as he desperately fought the tears that were threatening to spill.

 
~*~*~*~

 
Hours ago, she had gotten home. Hours ago, she had locked herself away in the bedroom, begging Faith to give her some time alone… To let her work things out on her own. Hours ago, Faith had agreed reluctantly and stared after her as she climbed the steps slowly, all the energy drained from her.

Now she sat, curled in the corner of the room on a pile of pillows and blankets; arms wrapped tightly around her knees and her chin resting on them as she hugged herself tightly. From the moment she had gotten home, the tears hadn’t stopped. They were silent, painful tears that slid from her eyes one at a time. She did not give way to the sobs that were threatening to overcome her. Instead, she sat; steady tears flowing as she stared off into the darkness surrounding her.

It hurt so badly to know that she was no longer the center of his world… To know that, despite his love for her, Spike had other obligations, which even she knew were far more important than her silly attempt at reclaiming the relationship they had only just begun so long ago. Because no matter how much she wished it were untrue, it was obvious how much Sam meant to him. Maybe he even loved Sam… In fact, she knew he did. She had seen it in his eyes. Seen it rivaling his feelings toward her…

But last night it wasn’t Sam who had won. Last night, she had won… Last night, everything he was had been hers… Because last night, he had made love to her, exactly as he always had, except this time, she had been right there with him… This time, she too had seen it… Felt it. The love he had for her was so strong… And yet, she was really starting to believe that it was over. That no matter how much they loved one another, they would never be able to make it work…

Because they had both moved on…

It had hurt so badly that morning, when he had pushed her away from him. She knew that when they had made love, it had meant the world to him… But that had done little to ease the pain.

As much as he loved her, she had been completely unable to feel it when he had pushed her away, swearing that it would never happen again. She still felt as though her heart had been ripped from chest… Was she unworthy of being loved without question? Was it too much to ask to give and receive love from the man she wanted to be with more than anything? Was it too much to love?

Why was it that every time she began to get close, she was left alone? It had happened with Angel, Parker, Riley… And now Spike… The only man she had ever truly fallen completely in love with… And he was gone…

It had been her own doing. She knew that… But it didn’t stop the pain. In fact, it made it worse… Knowing that it was her own fault that every night he feel asleep in the arms of another woman… To know that she was the one responsible for their split in the first place.

All because she had been too stubborn to forgive him…

 
~*~*~*~

 
With tears in his eyes, Spike quickly gathered together everything he could think of that would be necessary for an indefinite amount of time away from home. He wanted to be long gone before Sam got home. As much as he loved her, he knew that, right now, she needed some space… And time. If she was going to recover at all from his incredibly stupid outburst, she was going to need a chance to cool off.

Besides, right now he wouldn’t be able to face her anyway. Not after the way he had treated her. He was absolutely appalled at himself. Of course he had needed to tell her, but that certainly had been no way to do so. He had announced it in front of everyone. Everyone. Her colleagues; her students… Everyone…

At the exact moment that he had finished packing and was about to gather his things and walk out, he heard the front door open. Immediately, he heard the sweet sounds of Alana’s giggling and for a moment, he allowed a soft smile to slip. Apparently, Grandma was bringing the kids home from preschool already. Really, he couldn’t decide whether or not that was a good thing. He loved the kids more than anything, but right now, that only made it harder… How could he show up here again, only to walk out, leaving the two little ones behind? It broke his heart to know that he had to walk away from them again…

“Daddy!”

He heard Alana’s excited voice and smiled again before turning to look at the little girl standing in the doorway, arms out; waiting for him. “Hey there, Princess.” he murmured, moving toward her and scooping the child into his arms. Her soft, chestnut curls tickled his cheek and again he smiled. After just a moment of hugging her close, he walked her to the living room where her grandmother and brother sat on the couch, Aiden talking animatedly to his grandma who was listening intently.

“Where you going, daddy?” he heard Alana question around her thumb; her gaze locked on the door of the room they had just come from.

“What makes you think I’m going anywhere, Precious?” he asked curiously as he dropped a soft kiss on the top of her head.

“The coat.” Aiden informed him, having been startled from his conversation by Alana’s question. “You only where it when you leave.”

“And the suitcase.” Alana added, finally turning her big brown eyes on him; both wide and pleading as she watched him closely, waiting for his answer.

He sighed in defeat, and smiled sadly at each of them in turn. “Daddy’s gotta go away for a few days, you two. I promise I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“I don’t want you to go…” Aiden complained, putting on an angry face and crossing his arms tightly over his chest; a pout making itself known.

Immediately, Spike felt guilty and he quickly moved to sit beside the child he thought of as his son, and put a comforting arm around the boy… When he saw Alana’s lip begin to quiver, he broke and pulled them both closer, his own tears threatening to fall. Never before had he been forced away from these two children like this, and never would he have imagined it would be this hard. He loved them so much, and he didn’t ever want to be away from them…

 
~*~*~*~

 
When she heard the door creak open, Buffy didn’t so much as glance up. She knew exactly who was there, and she simply wasn’t sure what to say… So instead, she sat; arms curled around her knees as she stared down at the floor, rocking just slightly. She didn’t want to talk… What was there to say?

“Am I right in assuming that it didn’t exactly go well?”

Faith’s voice was gentle, but it cut her like a knife. Right now, she felt so guilty. Not only had she seduced Spike into cheating on the woman he loved, but she had done the same… And she knew that when she told Faith, she would be heartbroken… Even if she refused to show it…

With tearful eyes, Buffy looked up to meet Faith’s gaze. “Am I unlovable?” she questioned softly; voice full of pain.

“Oh, God, baby…” Faith murmured as she took in the trembling form of her lover. Quickly, she moved to Buffy’s side; dropping to her knees beside her. Gently, she pushed the hair from Buffy’s eyes, and wiped away a few stray tears. “That’s not true at all…” she reassured the blond; tears forming in her own eyes as she moved to pull Buffy into her arms, as her quiet tears suddenly turned to heartbreaking sobs.

Immediately, Buffy collapsed against her, clinging tightly to Faith as she cried on her shoulder. “He didn’t want me…” she mumbled. “I told him I loved him, and I needed him, and I wanted to be with him, and still, he didn’t want me… He made love to me, but the moment he woke up with me in his bed, he wanted me gone…”

Upon hearing Buffy’s words, Faith shut her eyes tightly; holding off her tears and pushing back the anger that gripped her. This had been her own doing. She had told Buffy to find him… Forced her to seek him out and she had promised that she would support her through anything… And she certainly didn’t intend on breaking that promise…

“I’m so sorry…” Buffy murmured quietly; her voice breaking with emotion. “God, Faith… I’m so sorry…”

All Faith could do in that moment was hold her closer and swear to her that everything would be okay…

 
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