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Disclaimer: This story is a work of fan-fiction. All used characters don’t belong to me and I just borrowed them. The only profit I hope to achieve with this story is the pure pleasure of the reader.
 
Feedback: All feedback, comments or anything else you might want to share is welcome and can be sent to LadySet@gmx.net

Author’s notes: This story changes between in storytelling between the story and the thoughts of a person.
 
 
Love is blind
 
by Belladonna
 
 
“Love is blind,
and love deceives you…”
(‘Prisoner of your eyes’; Judas Priest)
 
 
The skies were black, dark clouds had gathered above Sunnydale and darkened the otherwise so sunny and bright blue sky. In the distance the thunder announced the rising and fast upcoming storm that neared the small town. Heavens were in turmoil and mirrored that way the feelings one girl had these days, who was sitting underneath those clouded skies inside her home.
 
Buffy Summers sat on her bed in her small room; she was looking outside the window; to the day that had almost turned night because of the dark clouds gathering upon it. She was leaning with her back to the wall, her knees drawn towards her chest and her arms around them, pulling them towards her but also for her own reassurance of her feelings. Her chin rested on her knees and her eyes seemed distant, clouded with confusion by so many things.
In the past few days, so much had happened; so many seemingly unimportant things had rolled over her, causing her life to almost crumble. But in the end, it had been one single thing, one so small thing, a simple sentence that had managed to crush everything inside her, inside her heart to thousand small pieces.
 
‘I love you.’
 
Three simple words, three tiny simple words that had such a lasting and dragging effect; one she would have never imagined before or dreamed of. And still she wasn’t quite able to believe it completely. It couldn’t be, it shouldn’t be but even she could no longer deny it, no matter how hard she wished for it. And her thoughts always returned to circle again around what happened, continuing to come back to what he had said and even more to what she now was feeling.
 
~/~
 
I still cannot believe it but I can hear his voice over and over again in my thoughts, my mind; his words as he confessed his feelings for me and what he had wanted to do for me to prove it. I can hear myself answering to him, telling how less I could care about it and that it would be absolutely meaningless. But can I still be so sure about it now? Deep inside me I have understood, finally found comprehension to what it meant for him to kill his Sire for me, a crime that came close to patricide and was considered the most gruesome thing to be committed among vampires. This holiest rule that vampires had amongst themselves was it that he had wanted to break for me, only to prove his love for me. He wanted to sacrifice everything he had and knew for love.
 
I remember when Angel had killed his Sire back then, it had made him an outcast, a wanted man, but then it had been in defending me, something that already had made him an outcast before, but Spike wanted to kill his precious Drusilla for me, without fight or necessity other than to show me how deep his feelings for me went. He wanted to risk everything he had, just to show me that, to make it clear to me that he truly loved me and how much I meant for him. Only I wasn’t able to recognize the true and high value of his offer then.
 
I can still hear him telling me that he loves me and I myself cannot understand, cannot understand what he means or that it is real emotion coming from his long dead heart. Can I truly not or am I afraid of the truth? I cannot answer to that question, but I have to secretly admit that I am no longer that sure of my own feelings like I had believed to be before.
 
Now I know how he feels for me, how he feels for me for a long time but do I feel the same for him? Can I even feel anything for him other than disgust for all that he had done in his life, had been and still is; something that will never change? Can I really love a killer and believe that he has changed even though I have proof of that change in him right in front of my own eyes?
 
I too have to admit to that, that I cannot give an answer to that one either. I am not sure, but I do begin to feel something for him. But is that love? Do I really feel something for him and is it what he wishes for that I feel for him? To all these questions I cannot give an answer, I don’t have an answer, but do I want to answer to this at all? Or am I too much afraid to know my answers to that already?
 
But still the one question that nags more on me and causes me to think about and rethink everything I thought I knew is that of his feelings. Might he truly be able to love me? Is he really capable of love at all or is that just one of his fantasies?
 
He told me once that his heart had been caught by me from the first moment he had seen me in that alley behind the Bronze and that this feeling of love only had grown in intensity since then. Could that be the truth? I know him now for such a long time, but why have I never been able to see that, recognize it? Why was I never able to see this all like I now recognize it after he had confessed his feelings to me?
 
Why could I never see the pain in his eyes before when I had been with Angel? The sadness that rushed over his eyes, clouded them with pain when I had been in Angel’s arms; the pain when I talked about Angel in his presence and taunted him by doing so, willingly or unwillingly. It had been so visible but I have not seen it. Could I really have been so blind to not have seen these deep felt emotions that he has in his cold dead heart for me? And even worse, could I have been truly that blind to not have recognized that all within myself? To realize just how much he means for me, means to me?
 
He always had been there with me when I had needed him, when I had been alone he had been with me and given me company. When I had been sad he always was there for me for comfort, cheered me up when I’d wanted to throw it all down. He was always by my side, stood up with me and for me, helped me all the time and never wanted anything in return for it.
 
Oh, sure I have paid him for his help at the beginning, but that had been long ago. He didn’t want or ask for money anymore and I haven’t even noticed. He always was at my side, fighting with me and for me when I wasn’t able to and he had risked his own life more than one for us all though we never asked him to, only to be treated again like the worst scum that walked the earth by us, but especially by me.
 
He still is only tolerated among us and to be honest, he never had had any reasons for all that he’s been doing for us, for all the things he risks for me. Is that really true? Was there really never a reason for his faithfulness and loyalty to us all, to me? Or was I simply not able to see it, didn’t want it to see?
 
I am catching myself at the thought that I value his presence highly, admitting to me that I accept his help gratefully and feel lonely when he is not with us, with me. I miss those little verbal fights we have together, every time he is away and I also catch myself thinking that I need him and feel alone and empty without him. I would have never thought to feel that way, never even imagined to consider it that painful. Never would I have dreamed before to think that way and I would never admit this in front of the others; or in front of him but mostly in front of myself.
 
But I need him, I really do and it hurts me more than I could say to be without him, this terrible emptiness inside me tearing at me. When I am completely honest to myself, so have I to admit also that I really never thought to ever be able to feel this much or to feel anything at all for him and if someone would have told me this some months, years ago, I would have laughed in their faces, believing them insane, but what about it now?
 
He does mean more to me than I could have ever dreamed of and I can no longer fight what I feel deep inside my heart, to suppress those emotions that threaten to break free from within. I can no longer be without him, not anymore and I don’t want to but I have been too blind to realize. All those feelings I have for him I refused to believe, to see; like I had never been able to see the true reason behind his friendliness, his deep loyalty towards me that goes beyond death, before he had revealed it all to me.
 
I love you, Spike, that has come clear to me now. It had always been your love for me that kept you at my side, remaining with me and my love to you was it that had made me too blind for this; too blind for you and it is this love now that has opened my eyes truly and completely for everything. I can only hope for me, and for an us, that it might not be already too late for everything and that my blindness had not caused all that we could have together to be blinded too.
 
 
 
~fin~





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