I sit here, waiting, hoping. Why, It doesn’t change a damn thing, she’s gone. “Mommy.” I look to the others, all gathered around to give me support, but I can see from their tears and eyes, that they need me more than I need them right now. And Dawn, oh Dawn, I feel sorry for you the most. First you discover that you’re not who thought you were, not even human, really, now this. God why? I don’t understand. My tears start again actually they never stopped. And I cry now not out of sorrow, though that is part of it, but mostly it’s fear. What am I suppose to do now that I alone. There’s Dawn but for how long? Until Glory figures out what she is, or until the time comes for her to save the world, what then? Oh I know that Giles and the gang will always be there, but It’s not the same thing, and it will never be the same again. Never.
“Buffy?” Xander called out to her now with a gentle shake to bring her back from the sorrowful place she was obviously lost in. She looks up at him, blinking, with vagueness in her eyes, totally void of what was going on around her. “Anya and I, we’re going to take Dawn home with us tonight, if that’s Ok. And you should come too.” She shook her head.
“Dawn should definitely go, but I can’t leave her.” Buffy said, watching her mother’s form on the couch, as her tears plopped against her arms, as they clutched her in a tight embrace.
“I really don’t think.” Giles began only to have Buffy cut him off.
“I’m not leaving.” She snapped then softened. She knew they were only trying to help. “At least not until I find out what happened, Ok?” they all just nodded and moved to leave, each giving Buffy a hug and kiss on their way out. She slid against the wall until she crumbled to the floor. Sitting there she watched the homicide detectives paw over her mother, then the paramedics, now the Coroner. It still didn’t seem real to her, she expected at any moment for her mom to get up and inquire about all the people in the house. “Buffy, young lady I hope you’re not throwing a party.” She would say. Buffy smiled at the thought.
“Miss, you can’t be here right now. This is a crime scene.” A female detective said to her, crouching beside her.
“So, you think my mom was murdered?” Buffy asked, jumping to her feet.
“We don’t know, and we won’t know anything for sure until we get the autopsy report, but we have to treat it as such. That means that you can’t be here. You might unintentionally damage evidence.” Buffy understood but she didn’t want to leave her mom. As if sensing her thoughts the detective embraced her shoulders. “Sweetie there’s nothing more you can do for her. She’s in God’s care now. Do you have somewhere you can stay?” Buffy nodded her head. “Well, do you need a ride?” There was a shake of the head to that. She sluggishly made her way to the door, but before leaving out she looked back one more time, again waiting for her mother to get up, then she left walking aimlessly down the street.
She felt numb, and her mind reeled with thoughts. Her heart had yet to understand what her head already knew; her mom was dead and she was never coming back. He had been approaching from the opposite direction, lost in his own thoughts and lost causes. With his head downcast, he hadn’t noticed her until she had slammed into him. “Bloody watch where you’re going, mate.” He growled as he looked up, but then instantly regretted the remark upon seeing Buffy standing before him. “Oh, Buffy I’m sorry, I didn’t see you…” He bumbled, stuttering for words. “I want to you to know I wasn’t following you or anything, I mean you and your friends have made it quite clear that I’m not welcome.” He began, and then took note of the look on her face and the fact that she was paying him little to no attention. She opened her mouth as if to speak but the words wouldn’t come, but the tears did however. “What’s the matter Slayer?” He asked in his bad boy way. He had always hated for her to cry, he didn’t know what he was suppose to do or how he should act. She stumbled over her words as if they were trying to claw their way out of her throat.
“My mom…” Buffy cried softly.
“What about your mum, is she sick again?” Spike asked genuinely concerned, over the past few months he had grown to like Joyce Summers and her cocoa with marshmallows. The truth was Joyce reminded him of his own mother, or at least what he would have like his mother to be like.
“She’s dead.” Buffy said blankly, and then looked down at the pavement. Spike’s jaw dropped and the clenched tightly closed. Now he really didn’t know what he was suppose to do. He watched her and could see how fragile she was. She in that moment, reminded him of one of the dolls Dru use to drag around. They stood there for what seemed like eons, but were merely seconds. He watched her intensely wanting to swallow her into his arms, shielding her from the pain he could see in her eyes. She began to tremble, gently at first, and then more violently as if she were having a seizure. Spike instinctively grabbed her and clutched her to his chest, bracing them both from the rage, which was about to emerge from her. “Ahhhhhhhhh!” She screamed as if the loss finally hit her. Spike tightened his grip.
“That’s it let it out, luv.” He said as he looked up into the sky, his own tears falling from his eyes now. They just stood there with her screaming and crying, while he faced the fury in her cries and screams head on. After nearly thirty minutes of this, Buffy’s screams became moans, her tears mere sniffles. She had thrown all her weight against Spike and he welcomingly took it. In one swift motion, Spike scooped her up into his arms, and headed back down the street. The slayer didn’t protest nor struggle, but snuggled closer into the comfort that was Spike.
They walked silently, neither questioning the other’s next move, neither really caring. Spike for his part; only want to get Buffy someplace warm and comfortable, where she could rest. Buffy just wanted it all to be a dream, and any second she’s awaken. Spike steps had taken them to his crypt, he moved them inside and below to his bedroom, and Buffy never protested not even when he placed her on his bed, and began removing her shoes. Spike pulled back the clean cotton soft sheets on his bed, and put Buffy beneath them, she welcomely laid back against them, and Spike tucked her in. She now lay there watching him, for the first time her eyes actually seemed focused on her surrounding, as they locked onto Spike every movement. Spike finally settled into a nearby chair, which he had pulled closer to the bed, but not too close that his presence would feel threatening. Theirs eyes now locked to one another’s.
“How are you feeling?” Spike asked still not knowing what it was he was suppose to do.
“Numb.” Spike understandably nodded his head.
“It’ll a pass and the hurt will diminish in time. You’ll go on, you have to for Lil’ Bit.” Buffy closed her eyes tightly to the thought of a life without her mom.
“I just wish…”
“You wish she was here to comfort you, cause she’d know what to do.” Spike said with a small smile. “I know I felt the same when my own Mum died.” Buffy gave him a baffled look, quite taken aback by his statement. “Yeah I did have a Mum, once and two sisters, Emily and Justine, and a older brother Miles.”
“How did she died, your mom?” Buffy asked as she snuggled closer to the pillows.
“Shortly after giving birth to my little sis, Emmy. She basically bled to death, back then there wasn’t really anything they could do, and nothing we could do except watch her slowly slip away.” Spike said with a far off look, as if he were reliving it over again.
“God that must have been terrible.” Buffy said in a near whisper.
“No worst then what you’re going through now, but it will get better. You’ll never forget, I haven’t been able to and it’s been 135 years for me, but you’ll reach a point, when you think about her, you won’t cry but smile from remembering all the good and wonderful things she did or said. And with your Mum, you’ll be smiling a lot, she was a good woman, your mum was. Always real decent to me, even when no one else was, even when I didn’t really deserve it.” Buffy smiled at that.
“Yeah, she did like you for some strange reason, but she never cared for Angel at all.”
“Well, Joyce had taste.” Spike said smiling, as did Buffy, but it soon faded into a frown as her tears came again.
“I don’t know if I can do this.” She whined as Spike stood and moved to her. “I don’t want to be doing this.”
“Shhhh…” Spike whispered as he now held her stroking her hair. “It’s alright love, it’s alright.”
“No it’s not, it’ll never be alright, and Dawn..Oh god what do I say to Dawn? She’s already at a rough time of it.”
“So have you. You have endured in your short lifetime, more pain then any one person should have to. It’s ok to allow yourself a good cry. To have someone take care of you for once.”
“But I’m the slayer, I have to be strong for them.”
“And you’re just a girl.” Spike stated plainly. “With the weight of the world on her shoulders.” Buffy sniffled a little and wiped at her tears. “A girl who just lost her mummy.” Buffy lay quietly against his chest, as he continued to stroke her hair.
“But it will get better, this achy emptiness?” Buffy whispered as she closed her eyes, now welcoming the sleep that wished to consume her.
“Yeah, it will, I promise.” Spike whispered back. “I promise.”
Author's Chapter Notes:
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