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Prologue

Sunnydale, December 2000


Buffy was clinging to Spike. Or was it Spike who was clinging to her? They didn’t know, and to be honest, they didn’t care.

Today, they were burying their mother.

The sun was shining brightly, contrasting almost indecently with the grieving faces of the few people surrounding the coffin.

They had wanted to keep it private, so besides the family, only their closest friends were present. Amongst them, Xander and Willow, Buffy and Spike’s best friends. They had spent most of their childhood at the Giles-Atherton house, and had always considered Joyce and Rupert like their second family.

The coffin was slowly put down in the ground, and Buffy squeezed Spike’s hand. Her own mother had died when she was three, so she barely remembered her. And she had considered Joyce like her mom ever since she had married her father. Even if she didn’t share any blood link with the woman, Buffy’s pain was the same as Spike’s.

Spike let go of her hand to put his arm around her shoulders and place a light kiss on her hair. Then each of them took a flower and threw it in the grave, before slowly going back to the cars.

A small reunion was held afterwards at the house. Buffy and Spike were standing next to each other, receiving the usual condolences.

“I hate those bloody 'appropriate phrases'. And some of those people didn’t even know mum very well,” Spike said, his English accent thicker than usual due to his emotional state.

Buffy gave him a soft smile. “I know. But some of them really meant what they said, you know. Joyce is…was very much appreciated.”

She caught a glimpse of her father talking to an attractive middle-aged woman.
“Look at that,” she told Spike, shaking her head. “Gwendolyn Post is already all over dad. I swear, that woman doesn’t have one bit of decency.”

“She never hid she liked Rupert. Even mum knew it. It was one of their favourite jokes, remember?”

Buffy laughed at the memory before stopping abruptly. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Mum told me she wanted us to remember all the nice moments. And we had quite a few, huh, pet?”

The smile came back on the young girl’s face. “We sure did. I’ll go check on dad, ok?”

Spike nodded. “Yeah, go ahead. I’ll be fine.”

She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and a hug before going to save her dad from Mrs Post’s clutches.

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§


A few hours later, all the guests were gone and the house was quiet.
After a quick shower, Buffy went to her father’s study.

“Do you need anything, Daddy?” she asked.

He turned his gaze from the picture of Joyce he was watching. “No, thank you honey. Where’s William?”

“I think he’s downstairs. Will you come down with me?”

He got up and sighed. “No, I think I’ll just go to bed and read a little.”

Buffy smiled and gave her dad a fierce hug. “We’ll be ok,” she told him, trying to convince herself as much as him.

They held on to each other for a minute, and then Giles pulled her away, cleared his throat and started to clean his glasses. “Right. Try to rest a little bit. The last few days have been exhausting.”

Buffy nodded. She wished her father would open up a little bit more. He had never been one for big display of affection, although Buffy had never doubted his love for her. In fact, the only person he had been more open to had been Joyce. Joyce was American but had married an Englishman and lived in England until her divorce. Then she had come back to California with Spike, where she met Giles. Giles was English too, but had been living and working in the US for a long time, even before marrying Buffy’s mom. When she died, he had raised her daughter the best he could, and even if he didn’t say it often, Buffy knew he loved her and was proud of her.

But she didn’t know what he would do now that he had lost Joyce.

She kissed him. “I will, I promise. Good night, daddy.”

“Good night, sweetheart.” He kissed her forehead before heading to his room, and Buffy bit back tears. She wished she could do something to ease the pain, but there was nothing to be done and she knew it. But she hated feeling so helpless.

She found Spike in the living room, slumped on the couch with a blanket, staring at the TV screen. The sound was muted.

She took a few minutes to observe him. Even though he was a bit paler than usual, and his face wore the lines of tiredness and sadness due to the recent loss of his mom, he was as gorgeous as ever.

Since Joyce and he had arrived in their lives ten years ago, Buffy had been drawn to him. First as the big brother she thought she would never have – he was four years older. When he was twelve, he left to pursue his studies in England at his father’s request. But he came back every holiday, and always treated Buffy like his little sister, being all nice and protective, and she had always enjoyed it. When he reached the age of 18, William – or Spike, like he wanted to be called from then – had become a very handsome young man.
And Buffy’s feelings had started to change. She was 14, and discovered she had a huge crush on her stepbrother. She had thought then that it would pass with the time, that she would meet other guys and forget about the hotness that was Spike. She had grown up, met and dated other guys. But it hadn’t worked. And now she was 18, and her feelings were still there, confusing and scaring her.

Maybe it would be more reasonable to leave him be and return to her room. Yes, but at the same time he probably needed some comfort, and so did she…

He raised his head and saw her. “Hey. I thought you had gone to bed already.”

She shook her head and sat on the chair next to the couch. “I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep. I’m exhausted, but don’t feel like going to bed. I’m too tired to sleep. Does that make sense?” she asked with a frown.

“Yes it does, miss babble mouth,” he answered with a smile. “So, how come I don’t see an army of boyfriends hanging on your skirt?” he asked.

She shrugged. “They are not exactly banging at the door…and lately, between the studies and Joyce, it was the last thing on my mind.”

Also, it would have worked out better if she had stopped thinking about Spike each time she was kissing one of her boyfriends. She had soon realized it was hopeless.

“That’s good,” he said without thinking.

“It’s good that I don’t have a boyfriend?” she asked with a slight smile.

“No, it’s not what I meant,” he said quickly, looking suddenly troubled. “But you’re still young, you should enjoy it, have fun.”

She raised an eyebrow. “I thought having a boyfriend was part of the having fun?”

She shivered suddenly. She was only wearing a tank top, and hadn’t bothered to bring a sweater before coming down.

“You cold? Come here,” Spike said, patting the place on the couch beside him and raising the blanket.

Pushing aside the little voice in her head that whispered it was not a good idea, she complied and snuggled against him. She needed comfort and so did he. So the confusing feelings would be dealt with later.
They stayed silent for a moment before she said, “It’s gonna be hard without her.”

“Yeah. I try to tell myself that she’s better where she is now, but it doesn’t help much. The last week, she barely even recognized me,” he said, with sadness in his voice.

“I worry about dad. He seems to cope right now, but who knows what’s really going on in his head?”

“You’ll be fine, both of you. You have each other. And I’ll come as often as I can. If there’s anything, you just call me.”

She nodded. “But you can’t leave the show like that.”

“I will if Rupert or you need me.”

She smiled, feeling slightly better. She ran her hand through his peroxide hair, a drastic change he had to make when he got a role in a new TV show a few months ago. “It took me a while to get use to it, but I like it now.”

“Do you watch the show?”

“Sometimes…I’m not much into science-fiction, so a show about a girl chasing vampires and demons…not really my style. But your character is cool.”

He snorted. “Cool? I’m a big bad vampire who killed hundreds of people!”

She pulled away from him. “Talking about the show…when do you have to go back to L.A?”

He sighed. “In two days. But if you need me, I can stay longer,” he said, caressing her cheek.

“No, we’ll be fine. Joyce would want you to go. It’s important for you.”

“Not as much as you are.”

Absently, his hand was still caressing her jaw and her neck. On an impulse, she leaned in and put a soft kiss on his cheek. Their eyes met and she lost herself in the azure depths of his. For a brief instant, their lips found each other’s. It was more a caress than a real kiss, but it was enough to shake them both to the core.

Buffy heard Spike gasp slightly. “Oh God, Buffy…I’m sorry. I…I wasn’t thinking…”

“No, it’s ok,” she managed to say, trying to control the frantic beating of her heart. “I guess…I guess we’re not in our right minds now, considering the circumstances.”

She struggled violently with herself to bite back the tears. There was no way she would cry in front of him.

“Yeah, that’s it. We’re both needing comfort. But still, I shouldn’t have…It was a mistake,” he said.

She got up. Stab me in the stomach, it will be less hurtful, she thought, anger rising. “Well, its time for the mistake to go to bed then,” she said in a harsh tone.

“Buffy, please…” He caught her wrist and she stopped, but didn’t look at him. “I’m sorry,” he repeated. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. Let’s forget about it, ok?”

She took a deep breath. That was so easy for him to say. She didn’t want to forget. And she wanted to know what it meant for him. Strictly nothing, obviously, a little voice said in her head. So it was probably wiser to let it go before he started to wonder why she was making a big deal out of it.

She finally looked at him with a fake smile plastered on her face. “Sure. I’ll see you tomorrow, ok?”

He nodded, not convinced, but didn’t add anything. “Ok. Good night, Buffy.”

“’Night, Spike.”

She went to her room, closed the door and sat on her bed.

She had trouble breathing. Between the loss of her surrogate mom, and her confusing feelings for her stepbrother, she was feeling a little bit overwhelmed.
She lay on her bed, and let escape a little sob, then another. She buried her face in her pillow to muffle her cries.

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

Spike climbed into his car and waved his hand one last time towards Rupert and Buffy.

Leaving her was both a relief and a heartbreak. He loved her deeply, and without her he wouldn’t know if he‘d be able to overcome his mum’s death, and his guilt for not being there more often. And at the same time, he had a lot of confusing feelings coming from God knows where, and he hated it. The memory of their kiss two days ago was haunting him. And it had not even been a real kiss!

The sign for the L.A highway appeared in front of him, and he stepped on the gas, trying very hard to convince himself he wasn’t running away.



TBC...





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