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CHAPTER 5


Riley didn’t even give her time to open her mouth.

“What is this?” he asked, putting the paper under her nose.

“A magazine?” she suggested.

“Don’t play the smart-ass with me, Buffy. You know exactly what I’m talking about.”

She turned the key in the lock and opened the door. “Let’s do this inside, and not where the world can see, ok? Because been there, done that. All day long.”

He followed her inside and closed the door rather brutally. She jumped.

“Hey! If you can’t behave yourself, you might as well get out!”

She forced herself to calm down. After all, Riley had every right to be angry.

“Riley, listen…” she paused for a moment. She was about to tell him the fake pictures version, but something held her. She was sick of lying. “I don’t know what to say. I kissed Spike. That’s it, and I’m sorry,” she shrugged.

Riley’s face turned slightly red. “That’s it? Buffy, do you know what I had to endure today?”

She looked at him, gob smacked. “What you had to endure? What do you think I went through? Everybody was staring or laughing at me, probably thinking the worse. And the Principal told me he had had some parents asking if I was fired. I am lucky he appreciates me, or I would be jobless right now. But he gave me three days free and adviced me to keep a low profile for a moment. All this because some stupid paparazzi thought it would be funny to expose my private life to the whole country. Did I do anything to deserve this? I don’t think so.”

“I certainly didn’t deserve that either. I was the laughingstock of the school today. I’ve never been humiliated like this in my entire life. All this because you couldn’t help but stick your tongue down your stepbrother’s throat!”

She blinked, slightly shocked by his manner of speaking.

“Your stepbrother Buffy! You know, I had sensed something weird was going on between you two the other night, but I thought it was just me. And I never thought for one second that you would do this to me. This is disgusting! It’s like…incest!”

She got angry. She was fed up of hearing people degrading her relationship with Spike. It was no one’s business, damn it. “Don’t be ridiculous. Spike and I have no blood relation. It is not incest.” She took a deep breath. “Riley, I’m really, really sorry. Of course I never meant for you to be humiliated. What happened with Spike…I didn’t see it coming. It happened, and that’s all. I can’t tell you more. If you want to end things between us, you have the perfect right. I would totally understand.”

He seemed to relax at that. “I don’t know what I want right now…” he came closer and instinctively she stepped back. “But I know one thing.” He suddenly grabbed her arm violently and spat in her face, “You’re just a filthy whore like all the others!”

As quick as he had grabbed her he let her go, and she stumbled. He shoved the paper in her face, hitting her cheek just under the eye. She couldn’t help but let escape a yelp of pain.

He smiled at that, before leaving the house, once again slamming the door violently.

Stunned, Buffy sat on the stairs. Her cheek was shooting with pain, but she didn’t pay attention. She was too shocked by the confrontation. Of course she hadn’t thought Riley would take it easily, but she hadn’t expected the violence and the insults. Maybe she should have. Willow had been right.
She got up but her legs were barely sustaining her, and she was shaking all over.
She didn’t know if there was a risk that he would return tonight, but she didn’t want to stay here alone.

A sudden sob caught her by surprise. She had repressed her emotions all day, with the exception of the few tears shed while talking to Spike. But now the dam was breaking, and the tears came back full force, with deep hiccups going through her chest and constricting it painfully.

Still crying, she took her bag and got out of the house. She climbed into the car and pulled out of the driveway.

There was only one place in the world where she would feel safe and good right now.

In Spike’s arms.

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

She had to stop several times on the way because she was crying so much she couldn’t see the road. So it took her three hours to arrive in Los Angeles and a few more minutes to stop the car in front of Spike’s apartment, right beside his. Which meant he was home.

She then realized she hadn’t quite thought clearly about this. What if Darla was there? She doubted the young actress would be glad to see her arrive like that. They had gotten along rather well until now. Of course, that was before Buffy kissed her fiancé on the front cover of a magazine. So she probably wouldn’t welcome her with open arms. But the need to see Spike was the strongest, and she got out of the car. She would deal with Darla if needed be.

She avoided looking at herself in the rear-view mirror. She knew she was looked awful, her eyes red and puffy, her face swollen from crying, and she probably had a slight bruise on her cheek from where Riley had hit her with the magazine. And if she needed any proof of that, Spike’s face when he opened the door was enough to convince her.

“Buffy? What…? My God, what happened to you?”

The concern in his voice opened the gates again and the tears were flooding in an instant. He closed the door behind her and took her in his arms. They needed to have a serious talk, but right now it was comfort time.

“Shhh…It’s ok. What happened? I thought you were fine.”

“I…I lied…” she managed to say between sobs.

He rocked her gently for a few minutes, murmuring soothing words in her hair. If Darla happened to walk in right now, he would be in a lot of trouble. But right now, he didn’t care. Buffy was his priority.
When she calmed down, he pulled away and looked at her. “You should never have driven the car like this. You could have been in an accident. What were you thinking?” he chastised her softly. Then he noticed the red mark on her cheek. He brushed it delicately with the tip of his finger and she winced.

“Who did this?” he asked, his voice suddenly hardening.

“Riley did,” she whispered. “He was furious. I can’t really blame him.”

“Buffy, that bastard has no right to lay a hand on you. I’ll make sure he understands that the next time I see him.”

She closed her eyes. Exhaustion after the events of the day and the journey were catching up with her. Spike caressed her hair. “Look at you, you crazy little bint. You were lucky I was even home.”

“I know. I’m sorry I showed up like this. I had this huge fight with Riley, and I kinda broke. I’ve been selfish. I don’t think Darla would be too happy to see me here.”

“Probably not,” he admitted softly. “But you are, and I’ll take care of you. Do you want to take a shower?”

She nodded and he led her to the bathroom, giving her a towel and one of his t-shirts. She reappeared a few moments later and came to sit next to him on the couch.

“Feeling better?” he asked.

She shrugged. He sighed. “Buffy, I think we need to talk about what happened.”

“I know.”

“I told you earlier today…I don’t regret it. But that doesn’t mean it can happen again.”

“I know,” she repeated. She had expected that, but it was painful nonetheless.

“There are many reasons why we can’t…why we have to stop this right now. You are tired, so I think we’ll keep that part for tomorrow morning. I just…Buffy, I acted like a jerk towards Darla and you. And you both are suffering because of that. I could apologize endlessly but unfortunately it won’t change anything. But it’s not too late to make things right. I hurt Darla and I hurt you. I hope you can forgive me.”

She looked him in the eyes. “I was there. I kissed you back. I’m responsible too. I know exactly what I was doing.”

Despite himself, he caressed her cheek with his knuckles. When he was in front of her, all the good resolutions he had made were melting like ice in the sun.

“Alright. We are both responsible. So Darla is the victim in this story. I don’t want to hurt her like that again.”

It was almost a plea. Help me fight this, Buffy. Whatever is going on between us, we have to fight it.

“I understand,” she said simply, not really committing herself. She hadn’t said her last word yet.

“You should go to bed,” he advised her gently. She nodded and he led her to the guest room. She slipped between the cover and he sat down beside her.

“Will you stay with me? Just for a while?” she pleaded, knowing well she shouldn’t ask him that, mostly because he couldn’t refuse. For a brief instant she saw him hesitate, but he finally gave in. He lay down beside her, although he stayed on top of the covers. Buffy spooned herself against his body, and he wrapped his arm around her.

Her breathing became regular, and he thought she was asleep when she spoke.
“You know what was hurting the most?” she whispered.

“What, pet?”

“The way people were looking at the pictures. At me. Like it was something gross and disgusting. I don’t know what’s going on between us Spike, but I know it’s neither gross or disgusting.” There was a pause and she asked in a less firm voice, “It’s not gross, right?”

“Of course it’s not, baby,” he said, the term of endearment slipping before he could help it.
She let out a sigh, of content or fatigue he couldn’t tell. But a few minutes later she was asleep.

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

Spike listened to her slow breathing but didn’t move. She had been asleep for more than one hour now. But he was still holding her, ignoring the little voice in his head telling him to safely go back to his own room.

It was wrong. He knew it. This was going too far beyond the ‘comforting between stepsiblings’. This was wrong in so many ways, he didn’t even want to start counting them. All those feelings he had repressed so far…he had almost succeeded in forgetting about them. But now they were back with a fiery vengeance, and whatever means he tried to bury them back were useless. They only seemed to grow stronger with each passing day. And he could tell himself that he loved Darla and was engaged to her, that Buffy was his stepsister and that Rupert would have his head the minute he heard about it…It didn’t change the fact that right now, holding her in his arms was the best, most peaceful moment he had had in months. He had never felt this with Darla.

He had been attracted to the young actress immediately. She was beautiful, of course, but she was also nice and not pretentious at all – a rare thing amongst the actresses he knew. She seemed to be in a perpetual good mood. He had learned afterwards that it was a smokescreen to hide how bad she was feeling after a very painful experience. And he had admired her for that. So they had gone out for a few months, and they were getting along so well it had seemed natural to take the next step and ask her to marry him.

Spike had dated a lot of girls before Darla. Being very good-looking and a popular actor, he never had any trouble finding one. But Darla had been the first one he had fallen in love with. She was different. He remembered thinking at that time she reminded him of Buffy.

He froze as an insidious thought crept up in his mind.

Had he fallen in love with Darla because of that? Because in some ways she was like Buffy?

No! A voice in his mind shouted. Of course not. He loved Darla for who she was. Not because she had some vague resemblance to Buffy…not at all.

Right, keep telling yourself that, stupid wanker, another voice whispered. The voice he didn’t like to hear because it was generally telling the truth, a truth he didn’t want to deal with. What’s better then, being a wanker or a coward? he asked himself ironically. But people would get hurt, starting with Darla and Buffy. If he still had doubts about his feelings, he knew all too well how Buffy was feeling towards him. He had read it in her eyes. He just hoped it was not the reflection of his own.

Tomorrow, he decided. Tomorrow we’ll talk and I’ll try to explain why this can’t be. I have to convince her.

If only he could convince himself as well.

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

When Buffy woke up, she was alone. It was day outside, but the clock told her it was still early.

She found Spike in the kitchen, reading a transcript. She didn’t offer to rehearse with him, though.

“Hey,” she greeted softly.

He raised his head and smiled. “Hey. Had a good sleep?”

She nodded, studying his worn out face. “Looks like that was not your case. You up since when?”

He shrugged. “Dunno…an hour, maybe.”

“Thank you for…for last night,” she said.

“You can thank me by preparing some coffee,” he said, smiling. “I could use a cup now.”

“Sure,” she said, glad to be of some help. She started the coffee machine and put some bread, jams and cereals on the table. When the coffee was done, she poured two mugs and handed one to him.
“Thanks,” he said, closing the script and putting it aside.

She smiled and sat in front of him. “You’re welcome. That’s what sisters are for.”

He took a sip before putting the mug on the table, his eyes never leaving her face. “You’re not my sister,” he said quietly.

She shook her head, her heart suddenly racing. “No, I’m not.”

She felt a new flood of tears coming but didn’t let them spill. Hearing that phrase –you’re not my sister – although it could have sounded mean and insensitive, was in fact the most wonderful thing she had heard in her life. It was finally the recognition that he wasn’t looking at her that way anymore.

He took her hand in his and entwined their fingers.

“Buffy…we can’t.”

She focused her gaze on their joined hands, still struggling against the tears. Deep down she knew he was going to say that. It didn’t make it less hurtful though.

“I didn’t sleep last night because I thought about us…and about all the reasons why this ‘us’ can’t exist.”

Her stomach made a painful twist and her hand tightened on his. “Darla,” she whispered.

Guiltily, Spike realized he hadn’t thought about his fiancée as the main reason. But she should be. “Yes, Darla. I asked her to marry me…and I will.”

Why don’t you break up with her? The little mean and selfish part of Buffy’s personality screamed. She could never say that out loud.

Like he had read her mind, Spike said, “I can’t break up with her. First, I don’t want to. And second…not a lot of people know that, but two years ago, Darla was engaged to another guy. He dumped her one week before the wedding.”

Buffy winced. “That must have been awful for her.”

“She was devastated. She agreed to marry me because she trusts me, Buffy. Can you imagine her reaction when she saw the pictures yesterday? And still she forgave me. So there’s no way I’ll hurt her like that again. Breaking up with her is out of the question.”

In Buffy’s mind, it was still unclear if he didn’t want to leave Darla because he loved her, or because he didn’t want to hurt her. But she wasn’t ready to deal with the possible answer, so she didn’t ask. She just said,” Darla’s not the only reason, right?”

He saw the pain and struggle on her face and cursed softly. Why did this have to happen? Why had things changed, inducing feelings that were only creating a soddin’ mess?

“Tell me,” she said finally in a damped voice. “I need to hear it.”

“I don’t want to, but I bloody well need to hear it too,” he muttered, pinching his nose in a way that reminded her of her father. “You know I don’t really give a damn about what other people think. But there are situations where you can’t just ignore it. You experienced it yourself first-hand yesterday. The way people reacted…In Sunnydale, most people know us as stepsiblings. But some of them actually consider us like brother and sister. They considered us like that for 13 years. You saw yesterday how they would react to any…closeness between us.”

“Gross and disgusting,” she repeated sadly.

“It’s not,” he said firmly. “But Sunnydale is a small town, and some things will never be accepted. If we were to be together, we could never stay there. You would have to leave your job, your house, your friends…and I don’t even want to think what impact it would have on your dad. How he would face the situation.”

She could have told him that she didn’t care as long as they were together, but she knew it wasn’t true. She could never throw her life away like that, and she loved her father too much to inflict that on him.

“Also,” he continued, “I didn’t tell you yesterday, but I had some reactions at work too. The people who don’t know you now think I’m a cheating bastard…and the others all think you’re my sister. You can imagine what they think. What I did…was very bad advertising for the show. To say Joss was furious is an understatement.

“And here I thought I had been the only one having a bad day. I’m sorry.” She had been selfish and had thought only about her problems, without thinking it could have dire consequences on his life too.

He lifted her hand to his mouth and kissed it sweetly. She watched him, not hiding the deep love she felt anymore. She smiled tentatively. “Well, that’s a lot of points in the negative column. Anything in the positive one?”

He closed his eyes for a moment, still holding her hand against his face. When he opened them, he said softly, “I love you.”

He put everything he had in him in that sentence, realizing also with terror that it was probably the first time he really meant it. That this was the kind of love you only met once in your life.

Buffy let the tears finally run free down her cheeks. “I love you too,” she managed to say, feeling so relieved to be able to say those words to him, even if at the same time it sounded awfully like goodbye. She got up. “I’d better get dressed,” she said, and he let go of her hand reluctantly. She smiled sadly at him.

She came back a few minutes later, ready to leave.

“Will you be ok?” he asked, concern written all over his face. “If you don’t feel ready to drive all the way back, you can stay a little longer.”

She shook her head. “No. I’ll be fine. And it probably wouldn’t be very wise to stay together right now.”

He knew she was right and that he had to be strong too. He was the one engaged to someone else. He was the one who had come up with all the ‘good reasons why not’. Still a part of him was frantically searching for a reason to make her stay.

Instead, he opened the door.

“Be careful, ok? If Finn is giving you any trouble, call me immediately.”

She nodded. “Don’t worry.”

She was about to go but suddenly he slammed the door and took her in his arms. Instinctively she put her arms around his neck and they held tightly to each other. They didn’t talk, they didn’t need to. Their bodies communicated well enough.
Spike drew deep down his strongest will to find the courage to let her go. He pressed a soft kiss on her forehead and they stayed like that a few more moments. She finally tore herself from him and ran to her car.

He didn’t watch her leave.





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