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DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters...Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy do...I'm just borrowing them.
KEYWORDS: Angst, hints of B/S
SPOILERS: Season Seven in general...Spike has a soul and the Big Bad is the First...
SUMMARY: Season Seven...What would Spike be like if he lost his soul? Angst, hints of B/S
He's sitting on the back porch again, staring up at the sky. He loves these times when I allow him to sit outside. Sometimes, though, he tries to sit outside and watch the birds play in the sun.
It's then that I have to pull him back inside, screaming, burns and blisters forming. He forgets that he can't go into the light.
He forgets that he's a vampire.
The First...The First stole his soul and with it, his mind.
Losing his soul didn't really change him, though. I guess he did change like he kept insisting. He didn't really need the soul. He was changing on his own. But I didn't see. I didn't want to.
For a while, he didn't recognize any of us, but he's getting better at that. He occasionally forgets though. He tries nevertheless. He tries very hard.
The worst part of the entire thing is the episodes. The episodes where he just sits in the dark corner and mumbles to himself. It took me a while to figure it out, but I did. "Gone, gone. So quiet. Took...took the spark." He repeats it over and over, tears streaming down his face. During those times, I pull him into my arms and try to comfort him, failing most of the time.
The strange thing is, he never has violent episodes. Just the quiet mumbling and tears. And those, by far, are more heartbreaking than violence. Violence, at least, I understand. But these, I do not.
Everyone tells me I should put him out of his misery, like he's some dog or something. But I can't because...
Because I think I love him. I think I always have.
And because sometimes, he looks at me and he's fine.
(A/N: Not sure why, but a part of me just wanted to post this...maybe this means that my mind wants me to take up writing again...)