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Ch. 4: I’ll Never Tell

A/N: Because this song goes back and forth so much, the (X) is for Xander, the (A) is for Anya, and the (B) is for both. I’m sure you could’ve figured out on your own, but hey, better safe than sorry.



~Anya POV~

“Will you still make me waffles when we’re married?”

“No, I’ll only make them for myself, but by California law you will own half of them.”

Yes, it is true, half of the waffles will be mine, along with other possessions and money. After all, ownership is nine-tenths of the law. And my God! Is he STILL talking about breakfast? Oh well. Perhaps when he’s sated he can give me many orgasms.

♪(A) This is the man that I plan to entangle–isn’t he fine
♪My claim to fame was to maim
♪And to mangle–vengeance was mine

What, no coconuts this time? And no singing in my wedding dress on the balcony? What kind of crap song is this anyway?!

♪But I’m out of the biz
♪The name I’ve made I’ll trade for his

Well, maybe not trade. More like...accommodate. Mrs. Anya Christina Emanuella Jenkins-Harris. I like it, it has a nice ring to it.

♪The only trouble is...
♪I’ll never tell

Nope. Never telling. Not even for large sums of money. Well.....maybe.

~Xander POV~

Wow, this really is a musical extravaganza, isn’t it? At least there’s no coconuts this time. That was disturbing.

♪(X) She is the one, she’s such wonderful fun
♪Such passion and grace
♪Warm in the night when I’m right in her tight–embrace, tight embrace

Whew. That was close. A nice save, if I do say so myself. I mean, Anya had no idea that I was going to say...never mind. Not gonna go there.

♪I’ll never let her go
♪The love we’ve known can only grow
♪There’s just one thing that–no
♪I’ll never tell

Wait a minute. Aren’t secrets supposed to be a bad thing in a relationship? Secrets like, oh say, summoning a singing demon. But hey, I’ve got three things to say about that. 1) Don’t ask, don’t tell. 2) What you don’t know can’t hurt you. 3) Don’t ask me no questions, and I won’t tell you no lies. Which is kinda like number one, actually.

♪(B) ‘Cause there’s nothing to tell

~Both POV~

Pfft. Yeah, right.

~Anya POV~

♪(A) He snores

God, does he snore. The construction site during the day is probably quieter than Xander’s snoring. In all literal meaning of the cliche, he could wake the dead. Or, undead, as the situation may be.

♪(X) She wheezes

Oh no he didn’t. I do NOT wheeze. Well, unless I’ve been running from forces of evil. Or other such exhausting activities.

♪(A) Say ‘housework’ and he freezes

As is continually proven. Men are slobs. But hey, at least he’s not as bad as Olaf. It’s been about 1,000 years since I’ve had to clean up after a man!

~Xander POV~

Hey! I work construction all day! I’m not about to endanger my testosterone-ridden macho-manliness that I’ve worked so hard to gain when I get home. Granted, no one is around to see the lack of manliness besides Anya, but I can’t constantly have other people inflating my ego, can I? I’ve got to inflate it myself sometimes, too. And that REALLY didn’t sound how it was intended. Oh well. Y’know, I should probably get to work on breakfast.

♪(X) She eats these skeazy cheeses that I can’t describe

Oh. My. God. That is just so wrong on so many levels. Cheese should be yellow, white, or both. Not green. Never green. Green cheese is definitely of the bad. But don’t tell Anya that.

♪(A) I talk, he breezes


I breeze? What is that supposed to mean?

~Anya POV~

♪(X) She doesn’t know what ‘please’ is

Liar! I know what ‘please’ is! It’s a word meant to represent politeness. Like, “Please give me more money,” or, “Oh, God, please stop hitting me with my own rib bones!” That one never got old.

♪(A) His penis got diseases from a chumash tribe

~Xander POV~

Aww, now that was a low blow. Why would she bring up the funny syphilis? Didn’t I say last year that I was done being everybody’s butt monkey? So not fair. I mean, it’s not like I wanted it. I just...fell through the wrong hole, I guess.

♪(B) The vibe
♪Gets kind of scary

Kind of? There is no ‘kind of’ at all! She’s an ex-demon, and I’m...me. I’d be relieved if it was only kind of scary. Unfortunately for me, it’s downright terrifying.

♪(X) Like she thinks I’m ordinary

~Anya POV~

What? Just because his two best friends are incredibly powerful...I mean, slayer on one arm, and an incredibly powerful Wicca on the other. The man comes from Sunnydale–home of the Hellmouth! How could anything about him be ordinary?

♪(A) Like it’s all just temporary

~Xander POV~

Whoa, where did she get the temporary from? What’s temporary beside the life span of the windows in Buffy’s house? Or Drusilla’s moments of sanity? Or Harmony’s moments of intelligence. All of those are very temporary. But Anya...I love her.

♪(X) Like her toes are kind of hairy

Not a lot of hair. Just a little bit on the knuckles. They are called knuckles on the feet, right? I dunno. I was to busy saving the world in High School to pay attention in class.

~Anya POV~

Hairy toes? I think not. Xander’s toes on the other hand...

♪(A) When things get rough he
♪Just hides behind his Buffy

Or whoever is closest. But generally Buffy. After all, she is the strongest out of all of us. Except for maybe Spike. But Xander doesn’t like Spike. Although I do find him very aesthetically appealing.

~Xander POV~

I don’t hide behind Buffy...long. After all, I managed to survive the summer without her. But you have to admit, if you’re going to hide someone, Buffy is definitely your best bet.

♪(A) Now look he’s getting huffy
♪’Cause he knows that I know

Know what? What’s with the knowing? Yes, I admit, I’ve hidden behind Buffy. But what does she know? That I had a crush on Buffy in High School? Big deal.

~Anya POV~

♪(X) She clings–she’s needy
♪She’s also really greedy

I am so not needy. Sure, sometimes I find the need for orgasms or money, but I am not needy. Now that bimbo Harmony on the other hand...

♪(X) She never–
♪(A) His eyes are beady!

Well, they are! That and they’re kind of overshadowed by his huge eyebrows. If I could just convince him to get the occasional wax...

♪(X) This is my verse, hello
♪She–

~Xander POV~

I wonder if there’s any way to work ‘freakishly blunt’ in. I doubt it though.

♪(A) Look at me! I’m dancing crazy!

Hey, now, what’s with all the interrupting? It’s not fair. And, wow. She is dancing crazy. Oh well. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!

♪(B) You know
♪(X) You’re quite the charmer
♪(A) My knight in armor

Yay! We sounded pretty! Brownie points for everyone!

♪(X) You’re the cutest of the scoobies
♪With your lips as red as rubies
♪And your firm yet supple–tight embrace

I have got to stop doing that.

~Anya POV~

Why do we call ourselves the Scoobies anyway? I mean, it’s not like we have a talking Great Dane as part of our group. Although, I guess if Buffy was a redhead she’d resemble Daphne. The devil dogs from prom really don’t count, do they?

♪(A) He’s swell
♪(X) She’s sweller
♪(A) He’ll always be my feller
♪(X) That’s why I’ll never tell her that I’m petrified

Um, Harris? A little late, dontcha think?

♪(A) I’ve read this tale
♪There’s wedding then betrayal
♪I know that come the day I’ll want to run and hide

It’s like the merry-go-round of rotating knives. Everyone gets ripped to shreds whether they want to or not.

~Xander POV~

♪(B) I lied
♪I said it’s easy
♪I’ve tried
♪But there’s these fears I can’t quell

Commitment–my arch nemesis. But Anya...she’s special. Just as long as we don’t turn into my parents, we’ll be okay.

♪(X) Is she looking for a pot of gold
♪(A) Will I look good when I’ve gotten old
♪(X) Will our lives become too stressful
♪If I’m never that successful

The glorified bricklayer is worried about his career. Go figure.

♪(A) When I get so worn and wrinkly
♪That I look like David Brinkley

~Both POV~

Eww. David Brinkley.

~Anya POV~

♪(X) Am I crazy

Look where you live, Xander! Of course you’re crazy.

♪(A) Am I dreamin’
♪(X) Am I marrying a demon

Hey! No, you’re not. An ex-demon, yes. But I’ve reformed!

♪(B) We could really raise the beam in
♪Making marriage a hell
♪So thank God I’ll never tell
♪I swear that I’ll never tell

Broken record...broken record...broken record...

♪(X) My lips are sealed
♪(A) I take the fifth
♪(X) Nothing to see
♪Move it along

Yay! It’s ending!

~Both POV~

♪(B) I’ll never tell

Whew. It’s over.


TBC in Ch. 5: Rest in Peace

A/N: Yeah, I know, I said I’d do the Parking Ticket song, but it’s not vital. So, now that I finally have this up, I expect lots of reviews. Next chapter: SPUFFY! Woot.





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