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Author's Chapter Notes:
Since this chapter is running 20+ pages and is not complete yet I will be putting it up in sections to make for easier viewing and to give you a chance to read it sooner. Hope you like.
The house had been finished in record time and today Spike would be taking Alyssa and Adrian to their new home. They still didn’t know what was happening and Spike was glad. He couldn’t wait to show them their surprises.

Before the trip to Disneyland he had bought a camcorder along with a digital camera and now had almost obsessively been recorded all of their moments. Disneyland had been a blast for all of them, everyone but Cordelia had joined in the four days of revelry, including astonishing enough Angel. Cordelia had chosen to spend the days working with the decorator at the house. She had said that it gave her four days of free reign, and knowing her she got a lot done in those four days.

Spike honestly didn’t know what he would have done without Cordelia. The house would have been no where close to completion. Their shouting arguments over the silly things like paint colors had the work crew in tears of laughter. But through it all along the way of the past two months, the former Big Bad and the Homecoming Queen had become best friends, much to Angel’s chagrin. Spike had actually come to like the cheerleader’s forthcoming attitude and the ability to dish out the trash talk as well as receiving it.

Angel had been the first to witness the transformation from friends to fully formed best friends. One long day at the house Spike had decided that he was bored and wanted to paint the study in the forest green that he picked out, the same day Cordelia showed up ready to paint in the Taupe color she had picked. Both of them being stubborn asses they decided that they would start painting, thinking that one or the other would give up sooner or later. Later had went into afternoon, the shouting matches between the two rousing the workmen to come and watch at the open bay window, a cooler of beer and chairs to enjoy the show.

It hadn’t taken long for the paint to start flying, not only onto the walls but onto each other. Cordelia had started it by flicking paint onto Spike’s t-shirt clad chest which Cordy promptly received back in spades. The show had sky rocketed from there, until Angel walked in, and found his pregnant wife and his childe covered in paint. They had been in the grand finale of the row, paint was splattered from wall to ceiling, thankfully someone had covered up the woodwork and the floor before the showdown. Cordelia’s face was covered in green and brown paint, her hair a mass of streaks and clumps, Spike was drenched from head to toe, his hair spiked no pun intended with green paint. The walls were a mismatched of color, one brown wall looked like green paint had been thrown against it, the same for a green wall. Hand prints and various body prints were also evident and drying fast.

“What the hell’s going on?” Angel shouted above the noise as he watched as his wife and childe were now still hitting each other with paint, Cordelia holding a roller and Spike a brush. His concern was for the child that Cordy wasn’t beginning to show yet.

Spike and Cordy dropped their weapons and backed away from each other looking like guilty school children. Both trying hard not to laugh as they finally looked at each other and then around the room.. Angel was surprised when Cordy was the first one to bust into a fit of giggles followed by the almost child like sound of Spike’s. Angel just stared at the two of them and ran his fingers through his hair.
“We’re just doing a little redecorating, aren’t we luv?” Spike casually threw his arm around his friend, which caused Cordelia to lay her head on his shoulder as they turned and looked around the room, that looked like a deranged blind artist had attacked it.

“I’d say it looks pretty good? What do you think?” Cordelia turned and looked at her friend, the first one she could say she never had to bully or whine to get her way. It was quite liberating actually.

“I’d say it’s damn near perfect luv. We work pretty good as a team.” Spike sheepishly planted a kiss on her head much to Angel’s rage.

“We sure do blondie, or should I start calling you greenie?” Cordelia wrapped her arm around him and surveyed a room that while looked like a disaster still held a lot of promise and now with the right furniture the room would look rather modern.

“Would you two, kindly get your hands off each other? What the hell was in that paint?” Angel went over and pulled his wife out of the arms of his friend and into his, growling when he got still wet paint all over his silk shirt.

“You’re buying me a new shirt!” He growled at Spike who only grinned in reply.

“What can’t two friends paint a room and have a little fun in the process. Wait a minute I forgot, you Angelus don’t know how to have fun..” Spike took his paint brush still full of green paint and threw it at his sire then took off at a run when the brush his his sire in the face. He hadn’t stopped until he had reached the beach with a hot tempered Angel on his heels, diving into a breaking wave in an attempt to get away.

Angel had in turn held him under the water, forgetting that if Spike didn’t want to breathe he didn’t have to. This led to both men wrestling in the ocean waves as Cordy watched laughing from the beach and using the ocean to get rid of the worst of the paint from her skin. The three had ended up cleaning up back at the house Angel having to borrow a pair of overalls from a workman because his shirt shrank, then having a barbecue on the beach as the sun set into the Pacific. That day had changed the three of them in a great way, cementing Spike and Angel now as brothers instead of sire and child and Cordelia as Spike’s little sister and a best friend.

*****
At the Hyperion that evening Spike looked in on his sleeping children’s faces. They seemed to relish having separate rooms for the first time. Alyssa’s room was filled with all of the Princess paraphernalia that she had gotten at Disneyland while Adrian’s was decorated in comic book heros, his favorite of the moment being Wolverine from the X-men. Adrian said that Wolverine reminded him of Uncle Angel mean on the outside but soft on the inside like the cookies that Aunt Cordelia made them.

Angel had quietly crept away to brood after the cookie analogy. Spike knew why and so did Cordelia so they chose to leave him alone, knowing his pain at not being able to be there for Buffy when she had needed him. He also still felt guilty for not telling Buffy about Spike and believed that everything could have been prevented if he would have let go of his damnable pride. Maybe Buffy would have been saved, maybe not but Angel felt guilty for doing nothing instead of something. Spike had went to him once the children had been bathed and put to bed knowing that Angel needed reassurance from him probably more than Cordelia.

Spike had even been polite knocking on the door before entering Angel’s old suite. Char marks covered the wall from a fire of some sort and Angel sat in a fire singed chair and stared into space a glass of scotch in his hand.

“It’s not your fault. She may have done it anyway, even knowing I was still around. Might have thought that if that blasted hole in the ground brought me back that it might do the same for her, so get over it. Buffy did what she did because she was miserable, there was no fight left for her, she’d finished her mission and didn’t know how to live a normal life. It’s no one’s fault, not yours, not mine, not Willow’s for bringing her back in the first place, or Dawn’s for being created, it’s not even Buffy’s for giving up. We all do what we think we should, what we must in order to feel alive, or in order to finally find some peace. Buffy honestly thought that what she was doing was right.”

“She thought that diving off the edge was the solution to her problem, sorry I don’t buy it. She was lured there Spike. The First evil lured her there because it wasn’t going to be satisfied until it had her in it’s clutches. It wanted her dead Spike, and I’m still trying to find a way to destroy it once and for all. It’s my fault for not paying more attention to her when she was here. I was so caught up in dealing with the Senior Partners that I didn’t see the signs right in front of me.” Angel had hauled himself from the chair and began pacing, losing what little restraint he had left. With a violent howl he threw the glass against the wall, watching the liquid stain the wallpaper and the glass shatter throwing shards at Angel that left small cuts on his face from the ricochet. Not bothering to stop he started pacing the floor again, this time his fists clenched tightly enough that the bones in his knuckles cracked with the pressure.

“You didn’t hear her when I was behind her Angel, you were too close to the plane. She was out of her mind. I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want them to know, didn’t want anyone else to hurt. Damn it Angel, she thought I was down there. She thought that by jumping she and I would be together. The First wasn’t there Angel, it might have been watching in some way, but it wasn’t calling to Buffy, why would it need to. Buffy was there to destroy herself, all it had to do was sit back and watch.” Spike stood his back pressed against the closed door. Emotions were hitting him hard, harder than he ever thought possible. Maybe he should have shared the things he knew sooner with everyone, maybe then they’d all be better now.

“But why would she do that, she had so much to live for, she would have had you if she would have just waited, hell another hour would have done it, then she wouldn’t be laying in that damned bed, not alive and not dead.” Angel was running his hands through his hair, wondering why someone such as Buffy could just throw life away after being given a second chance. Angel relished his second chance at life including the baby that him and Cordy would be having soon, he just couldn’t comprehend someone giving all of that up, especially when that someone was Buffy.
“Just wait here a minute and I’ll be back. Try not to destroy the room any more than necessary.” Spike didn’t bother waiting for a response instead slipped outside the door and down the two flights of stairs to his own room. In the closet he lifted out the small box. He’d found the contents when they were cleaning Alyssa’s room one morning a couple of months before. They had given Spike the bloody revelation that he had needed to finally continue his life. Buffy’s journals, the ones that she had kept since her calling at fifteen. He supposed it was Rupert that had gotten them out of Sunnydale. But it was three newer ones that would help Angel the most. They were the ones that Buffy had kept since she had come back from the dead taking out the three books he couldn’t help the flood of emotion they caused to his heart. Leaving the room he quietly slipped back into Angel’s dwelling. Spike didn’t know if he should be happy that Angel was no longer pacing and again sipping a glass of scotch or not.

“You need to read these, Dawn probably too along with Xander, Willow and Giles. They helped me and I think they will help everyone.” Spike set the books on the table next to Angel.

“For now, look at the last one, it’s the purple one. It’s was the most recent.” Spike sat in the chair next to Angel and waited as he opened the first one and began reading. He sat more than an hour while Angel turned page after page tears running down his cheeks and more than a few sobs catching in his muscular chest from time to time. The words written on those pages had registered the same emotions in Spike. Love, sadness and at times fury. When Angel was finished it didn’t surprise Spike that he went to throw the offending book across the room before thinking twice and placing it on top of the others.

Spike stood not sure whether Angel wanted him to stay or not. This was one instance that he didn’t want to wear out his welcome and Angel knew where he was if he wanted to talk or wanted to fight. Spike didn’t mind either and figured on the latter, knowing that if the rage wasn’t directed at Spike then it would just go someplace else until Cordy had enough and set Angel on the doorstep.

“You know where I’m at if you need me.” Spike walked toward the door.

“Want to meet me on the top floor in about ten minutes. I’m going to send Cordy home and I’ll be up.” Angel looked up at Spike his eyes were so dark with emotion that they were almost black.

“Yeah, see you in ten.” Spike walked out not bothering to close the door and went to see his children. He didn’t know what would have happened to him if they hadn’t come along when they did. If he’d found those journals before they came along chances are that he’d be out there every night begging for anything to take the pain in his heart and soul away.

Looking in on their lovely faces in the moonlight he felt the pain ebb away until there was nothing left in his heart except the love he had for them and for the rest of his rag tag family. They were his soul in the purest form possible and Spike would personally take apart heaven and hell if anything ever happened to them, he would leave a trail of death and carnage so wide that it would make Angelus look like a fluffy puppy.

As quiet as a mouse he walked to his daughter’s bedside, smoothing the hair out of her face he bent and kissed her brow, his heart swelling with her proclamation from her sleep.

“Love you daddy.” Those three simple words had a tear slipping from his eyes and into his daughter’s hair. Tucking the covers around her he kissed her brow yet again and left the room leaving her bedroom door open just a crack.

Into his son’s room as quietly as before, he moved a stuffed bear from his son’s grasp and onto the chair beside the bed. There was no proclamation from his son when he kissed his brow, but something just as precious when his sleepy son raised up and kissed him on his cheek before falling back to sleep.

This was a nightly ritual for them and for Spike every night felt like the first. He knew he could get through anything during the day that life threw at him as long as he could spend these precious few moments with his children at night. They gave him the strength to see the days through, they took the pain away and made everything new again.

At his son’s door he said a silent prayer into the night, knowing somehow that it would be heard.

“Keep our children safe Isabelle.”

Spike went into his room across the hall and shed his clothes quickly throwing on and old pair of jeans and a t-shirt along with a pair of steel toed boots. He had stopped wearing the offending boots in fear of stepping on one of the children and had opted for wearing tennis shoes so that he could keep up with their daily activity.

Stopping in front of the dresser mirror Spike took a long hard look at himself. Seeing himself in his old duds made him fully realize how much he had changed in the past year. No longer was his hair slicked back and bleach blonde, instead it was just a little longer and his natural dark brown with just a hint of curl. The frameless glasses he now wore made him look more like Wesley’s twin than someone who had cut a bloody swath through Europe. Regular blue jeans replace the black staple he hadn’t been able to live without since the early 80's, and now he’d been known on occasion to wear a brightly colored polo shirt instead of his usual t-shirt and casual button down shirts.

He now looked like a college professor, which was his next surprise for the gang. Spike had heard that the community college near the house in Tranquility was looking for someone to take over a Paranormal Psychology class and also a European History Class. With a little help from Fred and Wesley, the only two who knew of his plan, Spike was able to get some papers forged and one altered. His degree from Eaton all those years ago would now be paying off in a few short weeks when the new term started. Who knew he might decide to start taking some classes again as well as teaching.

Spike turned off his bedroom light and made his way through the hotel and up to the desolated and destroyed top floor. He would really like to know what happened here. He knew Angel was already here by scent and then by sight. The sight was a clenched fist slamming into his jaw from the shadows.

“Thought I always told you to watch your back William, never know what’s going to be there.” Angel had slipped into his Irish brogue with no effort. The voice reminded Spike so much of Angelus that a involuntary shiver went down his back.

“I didn’t think you were going to jack me in the jaw you wanker. Sides, who else would be up here besides you anyway. Though I always hoped that you would start to show a little more taste and at least fix the place up for a decent sparring, instead of wondering if one wrong footfall will send us both a floor below.” Spike went to grab at the shadow only to miss by inches. His miscalculation cost him a blow to his kidneys.

“You know William, you used to be better at this. Maybe being a father has made you soft. Giving up the fight is a good thing, especially since you can’t hack it anymore.” Angel threw another fist at Spike’s face his rage burning a hole through him and directed at the man in front of him.

“Still am better than you, you tosser.” Spike sent a blow to Angel’s nose, which left Angel’s nose broken and bloody.

“And don’t you dare bring my kids into this.” Spike knew the comments were coming from a part of Angel that housed Angelus, unlike some Spike was not naive enough to believe that the two were completely different. Angelus was just as much a part of Angel as William was for him. Right now both of them were pissing Spike off. It was one thing to come up here and fight, but Angel was making this damn personal and it was up to Spike to put and end to it.

With a growl Spike launched himself at Angel tackling the older man at the waist and driving him back to the floor. With a solid punch to the gut Spike rolled off and up planting a solid kick into Angel’s ribs.

“Say whatever you want about me, but you leave my children out of it. I won’t play Angelus’ mind games with you, not out of anger and not when others are involved. You’re pissed, yeah I get it. You wonder why she did it, well don’t we all. You wonder if she’ll ever be the same, it’s what I pray for every day of my life. You think you didn’t save her, well news flash, I was there and still didn’t get her in time. You want to talk pain and regret, then please take my burden for one day. The pain of knowing that I was seconds late. The burden of knowing that I am alive and relatively happy while she lays there day after day. Knowing that even though I love her more than I’ve ever loved any woman and know that it’s not enough. Take the days when I want to sit by her side and do nothing but hold her hand and talk to her, but for some insane reason, I am being locked out of her life. Try living with the wonder of what I did so wrong in loving her, why am I being punished, why I cannot spend just a little time with her every day. I’ve done my time, got on with my life and still it’s not good enough. I’m tired of all of it. If Dawn wants to be a bitch, then it’s her head, not mine. I’ve done everything they’ve asked, jumped through every hoop, but am I allowed to see her, No.” Spike was lashing into Angel like there was no tomorrow. He didn’t stop until he was physically and mentally exhausted.

It was then that the realization dawned on Spike. The whole time this had not been about Angel getting his anger out, it had been about Spike getting his out. Angel had turned it around on him, knowing some how the anger that had built up inside. He had to give Peaches credit, he was smarter than he looked. Spike slid down the wall he had been leaning against bone weary and truly tired. He rested his arms against his legs and wished he hadn’t given up smoking because of Alyssa and Adrian.

“Yesterday morning at the house as the sun was rising over the water I said goodbye to her Angel. No matter what I do they won’t let me see her. Why won’t they let me see her? Why did they shut me out?” Spike hung his head too tired to even cry. He was tired of the merry-go-round of emotions, tired of fighting everyone about Buffy. Maybe they did know best.

Angel sat on the floor next to his brother in all the ways that mattered. When he had read the journals he hadn’t just cried for Buffy, he had been crying for Spike too. To have gone through this alone, to feel that no one was on your side and still to fight every day was exceptional. He didn’t blame Buffy for her actions, hell once or even a dozen times he had sat and watched the sunrise hoping that it was the day that he would have enough courage to let the sun take him, every day he had been a chicken. Spike had not, Spike had looked death square in the eye and met it head on to save the people he cared about. He had made it through by sheer will, never once letting the other’s really see what was going on inside, that he fought every day to stay by there sides. It wasn’t the fear of dying that Spike had been fighting, it had been the fear of living, because he still felt that he wasn’t good enough for any of it.

Angel took a handkerchief out of his pocket, something he had started carrying since Cordelia had been going through wild mood swings with her pregnancy. He dabbed at the congealing blood on his face, wincing at the tender spots. Willow had given them the power to never die no matter what, but they still healed as slowly as they always did in some ways.

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. You’ve never said a word to any of us about what happened, you let us all assume it was the First pulling the strings, when it had been Buffy all along.” Angel put the square of linen back in his pocket hoping Cordy wouldn’t need it later.

“There was a time a few years ago that was pretty bad. Buffy got stuck by a Glarghk Guhl Kashma'nik, seems it had her thinking that she was in some mental institution. Then come to find out she had been in one back when she was first called, her bloody parents had put her there because she was scared and started talking about vampires and demons. Was there for a couple of weeks. It did something to her, closed her off so that she was afraid to tell people what she was really feeling. She kept it all inside until it was too much for her to bear.” Spike’s hands were itching for a cigarette.

Angel pulled a crumpled pack from his pocket and tossed them along with a lighter to Spike who gave him a surprised look.

“What, I thought you might need them. Cordelia found them one day buried in a filing cabinet.”

Spike shook one out and lit it up relishing the feeling of the nicotine hitting his lungs and he dragged deep. He hadn’t had a fag in months and he was damn sure going to make this last.

“So what happened to her.” Angel had never known about Buffy’s stint in a mental hospital, but in some way he didn’t surprise him considering the fear she had to have felt when she was first called.

“Well according to Buffy the first time she just quit talking about it, felt that by not talking about it, it would go away. Kind of did, they let her go home. Subject came up again later when Buffy told her mum about the vampires. That was when you were after her blood. This last time I don’t think she fully recovered in some ways. She went through hell when she came back from heaven. Never was the same after wards, things started with us because she said I made her feel. That was it, I made her feel. Those two years back for her where as probably as bad as the century you spent in Acathla’s hell dimension.” Spike saw Angel shudder, knowing he had gotten his point across at how hard it had been for Buffy.

“This last time though, she really didn’t believe that any of us were alive, said we weren’t real that we were all figments of her imagination or some rot. Tied Willow, and Xander up in the basement, pushed Tara down the stairs and was ready to kill Dawn when she suddenly snapped out of it enough for Willow to make up a second batch of antidote considering the first one she dumped in the trash.” Spike finished the first fag and moved onto the second, not sure when he would be able to smoke again figured he might as well take one for the road.

“What do you think we should do?” Angel asked Spike feeling he already knew what Spike was going to say. Angel didn’t like it, but what could they do, if Buffy didn’t want to live anymore, then maybe this would be the only peace they could give her.

“Give her one more month to get herself out. If she hasn’t come out in a year Angel, chances are she never will. Yeah who knows we could keep her on it for years and she could come out of it, but what kind of life is that for her. Take the machines off and see if subconsciously she fights to live. If she does then we’ll know that she wants us to keep trying, if she doesn’t then we’ll know to let her go.” Spike ground the second cigarette out and handed the pack back to Angel knowing that Angel would put them up for him in case he ever needed one again soon.

“I’ll let Dawn know and call a family meeting together. Ultimately we have no say and you know that. Dawn is her only living relative and has final say on everything. I only hope she’ll do what’s best for Buffy.” Angel slowly stood and offered Spike a hand up with Spike gratefully took not knowing if he would have the strength on his own.

“Once this last month is over Angel I’m done. The kids and I are just about finished packing for the house, tomorrow we’ll leave as soon as the rest is done. They’ll start school soon and need to be settled before then. You and Cordelia along with Fred, Wesley, Gunn and Connor are welcome at anytime. The rest of them I don’t know, we were never close not as close as the people in this hotel. You guys are my family and I want to keep it that way, besides the kids wouldn’t know what to do without the lot of you. Thanksgiving will be at my place this year yeah, maybe Christmas too if all of you want to come. It would be nice to have normal family holidays for a change. Apart from that I’m not fighting, not for you, not for her and not for the bloody Powers That Be. My children are going to try to grow up a bloody all American family. It’s the least I can do for them., it’s what their mother would have wanted, hell it’s what I want for them. Granted it will never be entirely normal what with a vampire human hybrid father, and an uncle who’s the same, an Aunt who gets visions plus a nanny who while wonderful has floppy skin and a taste for kittens.”

“You ask Clem to take care of the children?” Angel wasn’t as much shocked as surprised.

“Yeah, he’s ecstatic. Nice place to live with people who won’t try to kill him because he’s different and too nice to fight. I have a job teaching a couple of college classes so Clem will be with them when I’m at the university.” Spike looked at Angel with gratitude at everything he had done and had tried to do for him. He had needed to get some of the rage inside of him out. Now he had and he felt like a weight had been lifted from his chest.

“Wait a minute, your teaching a class. Since when were you qualified to do that?” Angel stared at him stunned, he had known Spike for almost one hundred and thirty years and had never heard of any higher education in his background.

“Since graduating Eaton at the top of my class four months and nine days before Dru turned me. I have a doctorate in English and History, told you I was a ponce back then. It never took someone as long to earn a degree back then, you didn’t have to take all the bloody useless crap that kids do now. We studied are field and that was it. I had it in my mind to be like my cousin “the wicked lord” and write poetry and travel.”

“You mean that Lord Byron was your cousin, why didn’t you ever tell me any of this.” Angel was still shell shocked that there could be so much about Spike he didn’t know.

“Yeah like I wanted you tracking down the remaining members of my family.”

“So you’re family was a member of the aristocracy. Here all along I thought you were some vagrant that Dru attached herself too. How did you come to be in that alley anyway?”
Angel and Spike were moving through the top floor toward the exit, chit chatting as if the fore, mentioned fight had never happened. It was nice for both of them to not be at odds with each other any more, except for the casual tiff.

“Yeah more or less, my mum was at any rate. Father owned a shipping business and traveled a lot so I grew up the apple of my mother’s eye and tied to her apron strings. She was the only member of my family that I turned and I only did that because she was dying of consumption, dusted her right after because I couldn’t bear to see what she had become.” This did stop Angel in his tracks, now he regretted killing his family especially in the way he had, but for William as a fledgling to feel remorse at turning his mother was something that left Angel stunned.

This new revelation for Angel into what make Spike and William tick through him for a loop. It made what the Judge had to say years ago ring true. Spike had kept his humanity, even with the demon living and breathing inside of him, he had been more human that what Angel had been when Angel was alive. It made Angel wonder if it was for Spike that the Shanshu prophecy had been written for all those years ago.

Angel and Spike stopped at Spike’s door and said goodnights. Spike watched as Angel sheepishly check the sleeping forms of his niece and nephew before hurrying down to the hall and to tell Cordy the gossip he had just learned up. Spike knew that Angel would be disappointed to learn that his wife already knew the juicy details. Spike threw his clothes off and jumped into the shower thankful for the hot water to ease away the tension and bruised muscles. Another new item for his look was a pair of silk boxer shorts that he threw on after his shower. This was the hardest change of all after getting used to going commando for over a hundred years.

Tomorrow was going to be a big and long day for them. Spike had already packed up his room and the kid’s would be taken care of tomorrow. Some things would be left here for whenever they wanted to visit, others would be taken to Angel and Cordelia’s for the times that the children were there. Spike only had a few hours now until he needed to be up and about by the time Alyssa and Adrian got up. Luckily his internal vamp clock still told him every time that the sun set and rose, it had become really handy lately when the children kept trying to get up earlier and earlier in order to surprise him in bed. Maybe he would let them do that this time. Turning off his bed side lamp, he crawled in bed and fell asleep for the first time not plagued by dreams of jumping women crying out for him to save them.





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