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It’s been another month. The fourth now. Still, no change. Well none except your hair which is now half light and dark.

It’s the one little thing that gives me hope, that you’re still alive. I know that you’re alive in there somewhere.

Because of your hair I have also stopped bleaching the life out of mine. You probably wouldn’t recognize me, but I have dark hair now. At least for the most part. Still, as Angel calls it “radioactive” on top. Looks like it did when you found me in the school basement in Sunnydale except that I don’t have the insanity that goes with it. Dawn says that she likes the curls. She has taken to ruffling my head when she goes by now, and one of these days I am going to bite her for it. I may be going soft but I am still a vampire after all.

After looking in the mirror one morning and yes I know I can’t see my reflection. I was standing there looking at nothing except what was behind me. It was then that I knew that I could never go back to what I had been. I would never get William back, at least not fully.
Inside I’m still Spike. Still full of piss and vinegar, but long gone were the days when I felt like I had to constantly prove myself to anyone. I’m still the Big Bad when I need to be, but I don’t wear it like a badge.

Angel of all people, Poofter that he is, has shown me that. It wasn’t the soul that controlled Angelus, but the part of him that was Angelus was part of his soul. Liam and Angelus together were his soul, together they formed Angel. Together they had formed the man he was today. He taught me that I was neither William nor Spike.

He also said that he was proud of me, his childe. Angel had been cursed with his soul, it was never something that Angelus would have sought out. Yet I, even if for selfish reasons had wanted my soul back, I didn’t want to be a monster anymore. I wanted to become the kind of man that you always wanted. The kind of man who was worthy of your love.

I know that my being a vampire was a drawback for you, especially since I hadn’t had a soul. I always tried to work past the demon although sometimes he won and I would do something idiotic, like chain you to a wall. Though I had good intentions, the blood flow just wasn’t going in the direction of my brain as usual.

So I apologize for my mistakes and hope that some day you can forgive me for them. Nibblet says I’m getting too soft. Told her I’m the same, maybe a little softer all around, inside and out. One thing for sure I still could give any Slayer a run for their money.

Speaking of which. Giles called yesterday from London. He wants me, after all of this time mind you. Watcher boy asked me to come to England and help him train the potentials.

I told him flat out no. I can’t train them to fight for their lives and others only to send them out and watch them die. I was right when I told you that just one vampire or demon need is one good day. I at one point in time thought I had two pretty good days. The only good that ever came out of my killing two Slayers were in you becoming one.

One night when I was having nightmares about them it was Dawn that got me through it. She said that we can’t go back and change things because it was destiny. Things happened the way they did because they were supposed to. Who knows what would have happened had I never became a vampire, or you a Slayer. Could be the whole world would have been gone long before now? The Powers That Be sent us on our path for a purpose. One day we would both give up our lives for everyone else’s. Why we’re still around, I don’t have a clue.

The way that Dawn tells it, we were all a part of some grand plan. She said that destiny never waits around, it just happens. Sometimes when you least expect it. I was supposed to become a vampire so that you could become a Slayer.

Right now I just feel like I’m waiting for destiny to happen again and bring you back to me luv. I have to leave things in the hand of destiny and go along the path that its steering me. I just pray that its steering you back to us.

Yours Always
William





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